In undergrad, an academic advisor once CC’d me in a frantic email to my scholarship coach. “I am concerned about Brittany; she often jumps between topics and interests. I am afraid she will drop out of school altogether.” I remember rolling my eyes and thinking the woman was old and out of her mind. What was wrong with having multiple interests? At the time, I was a freshman at Purdue University, double majoring in Law & Society and Spanish. I planned to be either an immigration or health care attorney. My brain constantly hatched plans for me to keep myself busy. At one point, I sparked an idea to create a student radio station. I was even accepted into the Disney College Program during my first semester of college. Things were on the up…until they weren’t.

My mental health spiraled out of control by the end of my first semester of college. My social life was a nightmare. When I tried to communicate with peers, I often lost my train of thought and had trouble recalling information in chronological order. My thoughts would race faster than I could speak, so I would ramble or stumble over my words. I was often accused of being selfish or self-centered for losing track of time and forgetting to check on others whenever I was busy.

I failed nearly every class on my first-semester schedule. Not because the work was excessively difficult but because I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed and go to class on time. The study methods I used to skate by in high school no longer work. I could not keep up with the increasing executive functioning demands and broke down. I scoured the internet for answers and convinced myself that I had some type of Bipolar disorder. My thoughts constantly raced. I found myself in the student counseling center in tears. I couldn’t bear the humiliating thought of losing my full-ride scholarship or, worse…getting kicked out of school. The idea of failure had me in a chokehold.

“It got a lot worse before it got better.”

On my first visit with the psychologist, I was misdiagnosed with cyclothymia and prescribed Abilify by a psychiatrist. It addressed none of my symptoms. I would attend class the next semester but drift to sleep during the lecture and even have scary blackout moments in my resident hall. After several horrible, impulsive decisions, I ditched the medication and self-medicated with several cups of coffee. It wasn’t until the summer of 2017 that I was finally diagnosed with severe Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The diagnosis would be confirmed twice after the initial one.

There are two main features of ADHD: hyperactivity/impulsivity and inattentiveness. Some people will present more as inattentive, and some will present with more hyperactivity/impulsivity. Others can regularly present with both, which we refer to as Combined Presentation.At the time of my diagnosis, I regularly experienced all of the inattentive symptoms. Looking back on my life, the signs were always there. I remember silently crying myself to sleep from elementary to high school. I lost more phones, eyeglasses, keys, books, and wallets than I could count. I was labeled the smart, quiet kid who gave inconsistent effort and didn’t try hard enough. No matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t good enough. I’d spend hours on homework assignments that would normally take thirty minutes. I would triple-(if not quadruple) check my homework before turning it in and still make “careless mistakes.”

I was drowning for nearly 21 years, and no one knew. As a therapist, I know that I am not alone and others are like me. Learning more about how my brain processes information (along with self-compassion) has improved my life. My experience has ignited a passion for helping others feel understood and teaching others how to thrive in a neuro-typical world.