Scared. That’s what I feel right now. I weaver every time I think about it, thinking about my future although my past has more scars than anyone can imagine. But future is what I’m terrified of. My heart beats slowly as if being cautious of what is to come ahead, my chest heaves longer than normally and my eyes, my eyes try to stay focused.

I feel it deep down. My truth. My real truth that I am good for nothing. I have no potential, no personality, no ideas, no originality and no positivity. I am not even an average person. I can’t even cook food or iron clothes, I can’t get up from my bed because sleeps help me escape from the world and it is where I find my solace.

Why? Why can’t I get what I strive for? Is my hard work not enough? Am I too low for people who are naturally good at everything and seem to get it easy? Maybe I am judging them too quickly, saying their talent is just their luck but I wasn’t born in a rich family, or in an educated one. I had a house full of broken people who would pretend to be perfect while they were just killing everyone around them. I didn’t understand them. Why be so pretentious? Why be “fake”? What’s wrong to be the real you? And now I finally understand what’s wrong with being YOU.

If you are you, you cannot enter the competition, you cannot ask for the things you want, you cannot love, you cannot get where everyone wants to go and you certainly cannot be accepted anywhere if you are you.

Is it so hard? To ask for what I deserve?

I regret it. I regret doing things for the sake of loyalty and respect. I regret being out there, putting myself, my career on risk because I was too dumb to be myself. I chose the wrong self. I remember begging my dad to let me go to the university I wanted to go to. My sister backed me up, said she’ll pay for my tuition. You know what I did at the end? I listened to my dad and went to a place I really hate. I hate it. I hate being there. I would not deny that I found people who I cherished and started to love but in the end it will all become my weakness once again.

Why is it so hard? To accept me?

Once again, I stop my tears from flowing. I realize it once again. I am pessimistic, lazy, not good enough, and most probably living my life wrong. And because I have such negativity I am not good enough candidate to be accepted. Because I am such a wreck, I shouldn’t be helped. And because there is no chance of good future for me, I should be rejected.

Why select me?

To reject. That’s all I ever be selected for.