I know, I certainly do. And we’re definitely not alone.

Whether it’s exercise (we know it’s good for us and that we’ll feel great afterwards), meditating (same story), doing something essential without procrastinating…

For me right now, that’s therapy. Well it’s all the above. But also therapy. I want to do it, I know it will be great afterwards. But right now, I’m feeling an internal resistance. I’ve been putting it off for weeks. Why? Effort. I know, but it’s so simple. I work for an online therapy company for goodness sake, half of the work is done!

What else am I experiencing… Thoughts like:

• ‘What if I make the wrong choice of therapist?’
• ‘I have to actively make an effort to open up about myself, explain my past and my current situation. This feels messy and complicated.’
• ‘I’m managing currently, so why should I bother right now?’
• ‘Can I afford the expense?’
• ‘Will it be worth it?’

The anticipation of the emotional unburdening feels more like a burden to me right now — or at least a chore… like admin. Un-fun.

However, I’ve come to know and understand this inner voice, they’ve got my back but also want me to watch Netflix and chill rather than work on the old self-actualising stuff. To them (Who? You know that voice, the overly chatty one that’s always there but is not really you…), starting therapy again seems laborious, and uncomfortable.

But I know that’s not me! I feel ready to make the effort and I know that ‘Future Me’ will be thankful.

I’m sure that when I get started and settled with a new therapist I will find my flow, I always do, and will look forward to the coming sessions. And if not, I can always switch them up for someone different. We can do that on our platform. Every first session with any therapist is for the reduced rate of £25.

Feel the fear and do it anyway?

When you’ve been out of therapy for a while or if you’ve never had therapy, introducing regular time and space to offload and open up can feel ‘inconvenient’ I’m finding. I’m anticipating some disruption…

And that’s okay. I’ve learnt that it’s hard to force myself into taking action when it comes from criticism or punishment rather than love. As hippy and woo-woo as ‘self-love’ sounds, it’s not about ignoring your faults. To love yourself enough to want to improve or change old habits means discipline, effort and making a conscious decision — and practicing compassion and forgiveness along the way.

So I’m wondering if it’s one of those rip the plaster off situations, there’s never going to be a ‘good time’ to start therapy is there?

But maybe we can do it together?

Here’s some of the steps that I’m taking to get me in the zone.

Making moves

Firstly, I sign up and register at The Circle Line. I use the matching tool and am guided by the prompts. I think I know what I want. I want to focus on ‘the self’ and ‘relationships’ and I am drawn to approaches that are: ‘collaborative’, ‘creative’, and ‘holistic’.

I also want to work on ‘ingrained behaviours and beliefs’ and ‘understanding emotions’. I’m matched. But I have a general browse anyway, and I’ve narrowed it down to 3 therapists that I am interested in… I google them (obvs) before deciding on one I feel like I could gel with. Fingers crossed.

Okay, I’m booked and ready to go. Not so bad. I feel like I could prepare a few bullets of what I’m looking to work on but I don’t want to fret too much about this right now. The prompts gave me an idea and I can build on that.

So what next?

I know I’m going to have to to introduce myself, my past experiences with therapy and the reasons behind it, but I don’t want to rehearse it. I want to keep it natural, like a date rather than a job interview!

& just see what our chemistry is like. That’s it. I’m not going to spend any more mental energy on this right now, but if something comes up I will make a note of it.

I’m now booked in for 4 days time and these are some of the things I’m going to do to make myself feel prepared:

1. Give myself an hour (maybe longer) beforehand to feel ready.
2. Have what I need to hand and a quiet space. So, a cup of tea, some water and probably some tissues if I feel the urge to let out a cry.
3. I feel like a ‘braindump’ would be useful and I’ve got some time over the weekend to do this. I pencil it in for Saturday morning. I find free writing with the aim of 3 pages, helps me process my thoughts and clear my mind a bit.
4. We’re amid lockdown so like many, my social plans are non-existent… But I will still take it easy the night before, for me that means no drinking, so that I have a clear head.

Ahh, that feels better. This is just some guidelines I’ve put together for my situation so don’t feel obliged to do the same. Maybe you have your own preparation rituals.

Either way, what a journey! From ruminating, lots of mixed thoughts and feelings, to action. Writing this has helped me with the hopes that it might be useful for you too, but if you’re not there yet, that’s also fine.

I’ll let you know how it goes?

Love,

Nicci

X

The Circle Line

How do relationships start? Friendship? Chemistry? What does it mean to fall in love? The fluttering heart. The buzz, all-consuming thoughts of their greatness. Falling into a pile of nerves when they’re around.

MIND, BODY, SOUL

It all has to start somewhere. And many of us hope for a spark. Chemistry.

We meet someone we enjoy talking to, who we can have a good conversation with, who challenges us enough. A person who also shows affection, tenderness, and the ability to care; someone we like as a person. And yes, someone we want to touch, kiss, jump into bed with… Of course. The connection of mind, body and soul is magic when we experience it — a powerful force like no other.

When we make this kind of connection with someone it can feel like a mirror to our deepest depths, like we have truly met our match. As Elvis Costello sang:

She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream

But, let’s pause for a moment amidst the heroin-like chemicals that are stirred up and consider…

ARE YOU ASKING ENOUGH QUESTIONS?

In the heady heights of a new connection, it’s easy to forget our heads. But it’s well worth the self-control to check in and stop to think how much we really know about this person.

We use the word falling in ‘love’ — yet real love involves getting to know someone and treating them, and making sure they treat us, in a positive way on every level. See our article on ‘Learning to love’ for more on this. For all relationships change and evolve with time — we can’t know exactly how, but we can choose someone with whom we think we’ll grow together, not apart.

The 6 signs of Good Character

So amidst the chemical reaction, what do you really know about the person you are falling for? Hobbies and interests are irrelevant. What’s important is character. Not personality — but the fundamental building blocks of who they are that will run right through your relationship.

Considering these 6 characteristics will help you discover how capable your potential partner is of loving. Not just you, but full stop.

Ask as many questions as possible to find out about the following characteristics:

Commitment to personal growth

Integrity

Emotional openness

Maturity & responsibility

Self-esteem

Positive attitude

1. Commitment to personal growth: This is listed first for a reason — because with this genuine commitment the other 5 character traits will follow. Does your partner learn about themselves? Do they try to understand themselves? Have they considered their own conditioning and the baggage they carry in life and into your relationship? Are they willing to read, reflect, talk, having therapy? If you both have this commitment, you’ll both be willing to acknowledge and work on the relationship, understand each other and yourselves, and talk through the issues. Without it, you’ll just hit one wall after another.
2. Integrity: Honesty and trustworthiness are essential. How will you ever know where you stand, what’s going on and be able to relax if your partner cannot be honest and act with integrity? Lying, secrets and evasiveness kill love surely and steadily. Firstly, are they honest with themselves? Then, are they honest with others? And are they open and honest with you?
3. Emotional openness: Your partner has feelings, knows what they are feeling, shares those feelings and knows how to express them. Receiving only a tiny sliver of someone’s heart is not much fun.
4. Maturity and responsibility: Does this person do what they say they are going to do? Are they able to be accountable for themselves and their choices in life? Are they respectful? And the practical signs: do they earn enough to support themselves? Do they know how to look after themselves — their health, their home, their belongings? If not, you’ll be dating a child in an adult’s body.
5. Self-esteem: We all have insecurities. It’s part of being human. We don’t need to be brimming with self-love and confidence to fall in love — however, people tend to love others only as much as they love themselves, and to hurt others as much as they themselves are hurting. Do they take care of themselves? How do they allow others to treat them? What action do they take in life? Do they take pride in themselves — ask yourself, are you proud of who they are?
6. Positive attitude toward life: Do they turn obstacles and adversity into lessons? Focus on solutions, not problems? Trust that things can get better, that they can change things? Use their vision to change their reality? They will bring this attitude into their relationships; positive people create positive relationships. Love is a positive force; it will wither in negativity.

We might do well to forget their wealth, achievements and the colour of their hair — considering the above is the one occasion where some box-ticking may be no bad thing.

As you go through each of these with that potentially very special person in mind, remember to also ask yourself the same questions. For we must never forget to see and develop in ourselves what we ask for in others, to require of ourselves what we require of others. This way we find out if we too are ready for real intimacy, to fall into love ourselves.

Once we have established these basic building blocks, we’re safer to go ahead — knowing we’ve explored the facts and flaws and that things are basically ok. It make take a while, it may take several “failed” relationships, dead-ends or heartbreaks along the way. But once we find the above, then… then the chemistry, the flow, the intimacy, are even more magical…

Love… A pretty big subject. The heady whirlwind of passion. A cosy warm hug. A bowl of chicken soup when you’re sick. Love comes in various shapes and sizes.

A Positive Force

Whatever its form, the common dominator is that love is positive. It can be seen as all of the positive emotions and attitudes, from hope and respect to sexual excitement and euphoria, felt and demonstrated either separately, or —at its most intense — together.

It’s helpful to remember and explore the various types of love, not just the type involving sex. So that when the honeymoon is over, we know what else we can look forward to, what we can also aim for and enjoy.

The ancient Greeks had a nice explanation; they categorised love into 7 types:

Sexual love: Eros. The stuff of novels and Hollywood, a form of “madness”, desire and passion as well as respect and appreciation for someone, often believed to be brought about by “fate” — one of Cupid’s arrows.

Friendship: Philia, shared goodwill. Not just for mutual benefit (the stuff of many business relationships), but for companionship, dependability, trust. Real friends relate authentically and teach each other about their limitations, beliefs and defects — for which we need a degree of articulacy, insight and openness, both to change and to be changed.

Familial love: Storge. This tends to be unilateral or asymmetrical. Familial love is born out of familiarity or dependency and does not hang on our personal qualities. People in the early stages of a romantic relationship often expect unconditional Storge. Usually they find the need and desire of Eros then, with work, the maturity of Philia, and with enough time, Storge can develop.

Playful, uncommitted love: Teasing and dancing, seducing, flirting, sex. The focus is on fun, or conquest, with no friendship or loyalty attached. Works best when both parties are mature and self-sufficient. Problems arise when one party mistakes Ludus for Eros…

Duty: Pragma, a practical regard founded on reason and long-term interests. It’s the stuff of arranged marriages and, although unfashionable, it remains widespread (high-profile celebs, politicians). Many relationships start as Eros or Ludus and end up as a mix of Storge / Pragma.

Universal love: Agape, such as the love for nature, or God, or strangers. Also called charity, altruism and compassion. An unselfish concern for the welfare of others.

Self-love: Crucial. Unhealthy self-love is hubris; believing we’re one-up, above “the gods”, above human experience, above others, or above the greater good. Healthy self-love is self-esteem; our appraisal of our own worth. With enough self-esteem we don’t need to prop ourselves up with external things such as money, status, or fame, or lean on crutches such as alcohol, drugs or sex for kicks. We are able to invest ourselves in people and projects. We cry and get scared and angry, we suffer hurt and disappointment, but these don’t diminish us long term. We grow resilience.

Which have you experienced? Could you tell the difference at the time? Which do you want to experience?

For they are all available to us with a bit of courage… For being open and positive towards others can leave us vulnerable. It’s puts us out there. Heart on the line. But as we develop self-confidence and self-awareness, we start to be able to engage in and enjoy more of the types of love, and receive them in return.

Try it… We dare you.

thecircleline.co.uk

Every minute 207,000 people watch a video on PornHub. Which gets 42 billion visits a year. Porn sites get more visitors than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined.

It’s safe to say that as a species, we like porn.

And what’s wrong with that? Well, ethical issues aside, probably nothing.

Or perhaps sometimes, something. Perhaps you feel it might be getting in the way, inhibiting you in some way, or in some areas of your life. Perhaps you get more turned on by porn than real-life sex. Perhaps watching porn influences the type of sex you want, or seek.

When does watching too much porn get unhealthy? When it is something we do compulsively, feeling that we can’t control our behaviour.

Porn addiction is when we view pornography, with or without masturbating, compulsively, with little feeling of control over whether or not we engage with it. We may do it in inappropriate places, times or situations, or with inappropriate people or frequency. And 1.6 million people a month Google “porn addiction”. That’s more than either “depression” or “anxiety”.

Some Consequences

It’s clear that we’re interested in this topic. Perhaps we feel that we or our partner watches too much porn — and we know addiction has consequences. These include:

• An inability to form lasting social and intimate romantic relationships
• Intense feelings of depression, shame and isolation
• Disintegration of relationships with family, friends and romantic partners
• Loss of many hours, sometimes entire days, to porn use
• Loss of interest in non-porn activities such as work, socialising, family and exercise
• Trouble at work related to poor performance, misuse of company equipment and/or public use of porn
• Financial issues
• Legal issues (usually related to illegal porn use)
• Porn use combined with drug/alcohol abuse
• Physical harm caused by compulsive masturbation
• Sexual dysfunction with real-world partners, including erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation and an inability to reach orgasm

Sometimes, we find ourselves aroused by material that once didn’t interest us, or that goes against our moral values. Then, we may often experience great shame in watching porn; this in turn leads to secretive, highly stressful, behaviour. If this stress becomes extreme it can affect our physical and emotional health.

Why porn?

In the same way that sometime we don’t have sex primarily for the pleasure of the act, when we’re use porn compulsively it’s actually not primarily for sexual enjoyment. Instead, it’s often a way to escape from stress and other forms of uncomfortable and distressing emotions or to fulfil deep emotional needs. It may well be related to other painful feelings like that of depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.

Often there are deeper unresolved experiences at play from childhood. Alcoholics drink and drug addicts use drugs for exactly the same reasons. As with other addictions, in compulsively using porn we often aren’t looking to feel good; we may want to feel less, or to control what we’re feeling.

As with drugs of abuse, pornography triggers a chemical response in the brain that feels pleasurable. This is fuelled mostly by the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine, but also by other biochemicals, such as oxytocin, adrenaline, serotonin and endorphins.

Over time, over-use of porn teaches us to crave this naturally occurring reaction in the same way that alcoholics and drug addicts learn to abuse alcohol and drugs; we intentionally trigger the pleasure response over and over with pornography and sexual fantasy.

In this way, we create and use that high as a way to avoid experiencing depression, anxiety and other stressors. It creates a positive feedback loop of pleasure and avoidance.

So What Do We Do?

It’s not usually quite a simple as telling ourselves to “Stop it” or “Cut down”. Addressing the underlying reasons behind why we overuse anything is immensely helpful — and this may well be by working with a professional counsellor.

Much shame can be attached to such sensitive issues, so talking to someone in private or seeking anonymous therapy online can be a good option — and a huge relief. To explore something in confidence, and realise you are only human after all.

And remember, you’re not the only one — just look at those figures.

thecircleline.co.uk

Or not.

Why do we usually find it so very difficult to discuss sex with our partner? For most of us do.

We all have different desires, different levels of desire, and desire sex at different times and in different ways. Any difference between couples can be a cause of conflict, let alone one around something so intensely personal as sex. And conflict can bring with it negative emotions. And we’d rather just avoid those wouldn’t we. And besides sex is private, and it’s just so embarrassing to openly discuss it.

Why don’t we talk about sex?

Research has shown that couples avoid talking about issues that create conflict because they perceive it as threatening. We can feel this threat in three different ways:

1) Threat to our relationship: We fear the conflict discussion will irreparably break the relationship. We value our relationship, even when there are aspects we are not satisfied with. So rather than risk a conflict that might improve it, but might also tear it apart, we say nothing. It can feel safer that way.

2) Threat to our partner: We fear hurting our partner’s feelings. We care about our partner and so even when we’re not happy with something in our relationship we’d rather bumble on than risk hurting our partner. We tend to discount the fact that we have a chance of making things better by talking it through.

3) Threat to our self: We’re scared that conflict will make us vulnerable. If we reveal too much about ourselves, will our partner disapprove of us, will they still desire us? I might feel ashamed or humiliated. We want our partner’s approval, and the fear of losing it drives us to avoid talking about sensitive issues full stop.

The subject of sex leads to even higher levels of perceived threat. From our very first experience of gender, of our bodies, we learn that sex is different; it’s naughty, taboo, or at the least intensely private. We don’t talk very openly about it, however we still want to be good at it; we believe it would be the utmost humiliation if we can’t please our partner.

But how are we to please each other if we don’t know and share what we like? If we don’t show them, or — god forbid — tell them?

Revealing our fantasies and ourselves

This is especially true of revealing our secret fantasies to our partners. Since we probably believe that our desires are weird, we assume our partner will think so — and then decide that we are weird too. Our urges seem deeply personal, to be built into our innermost being; what turns us on just turns us on. To dare to discuss our secret fantasies might mean we are judged, and rejected at our deepest level. So we keep pretending we don’t have any. And maybe let things go stale.

But how are we to keep things fun and exciting if we don’t acknowledge and communicate what would help? Are we missing out on something if we keep this part of us locked away?

Voice your desires — out of the bedroom first

We can grow in confidence to voice what we want out of the bedroom, so we can also — gradually — grow the confidence to explore and express what we want in it. It may help to start with something less personal and build up to it. Get used to expressing yourself and simply learning to say “I’d really like…”

Difference and conflict don’t mean that the relationship is doomed. When we work through them, it can mean the opposite. If both partners want to explore, to discuss and to resolve issues, we can learn to enjoy our differences all the more, and enjoy our relationships growing stronger as a result.

www.thecircleline.co.uk

By Philippa Richardson, Founder of The Circle Line

Far from being wrong or dirty, fantasies can be fun — and they can be illuminating. They tell us what we want, like, what we desire, what we deserve — how we feel about ourselves and how we want to feel with others. And if we think harder about it, why.

What is your go-to fantasy?

• BDSM, kink, whips and chains?
• Roles: doctor and nurse, boss and secretary, prostitute and client?
• Food, dirt, blood?
• Groups, threesomes, gangs?
• Outdoors? Voyeurism? Being caught in the act in public?

Which aspect turns you on? What role do you adopt? The one in control or the one submitting? The one initiating or the one going along for the ride? Getting dirty or being dirtied? Objectifying or being humiliated?

Powerful or Powerless

Many fantasy sexual scenarios involve two halves… the dominator and the dominated.

When we long to play dominator perhaps it reflects how in much of real life we want to feel powerful too. If we think about it, we may play power-games and adopt powerful positions in real life because underneath we fear, or have experienced, the opposite — being powerless, out of control, unable to trust or get our needs met.

Maybe it turns us on to use force. What does this suggest? Perhaps this the only way we believe that we’ll ever get we want, we need to force someone to give it to us. In this way sex wields the ultimate control — over another person — to possess and penetrate and get what we need.

Conversely — we may like to finally give up the control we try to wield in our daily life; to submit, be passive and powerless. To trust ourself to another. Or be used by another for their pleasure. How are you in everyday life? Do you usually over-compensate with controlling habits? Is submission an antidote for you?

But it gets a little more complex as submission is also given with consent; the dominator doesn’t actually force us (that would be rape) — instead we consent to their force in the hope, or knowing, that they will take care of us.

In this way, fantasy can be a powerful way to get our emotional needs met.

The Delicious Elicit

We’re all entitled to our secrets. Many fantasies just wouldn’t be the same without secrecy… an elicit touch under a table, sneaking down a dark alley, doing something that in real life you wouldn’t dream of actually doing. Shining a light on it, and bringing your dreams into everyday life, makes the tension of transgression vanish.

Not all fantasies are born to be played out. Some should stay firmly at the back of the closet. Because that’s not the point of it is it. The pull of imagining being bad is often enough to satisfy us (perhaps in real life we’re always being “good”, or always pleasing and taking care of others).

In fantasy we have a safe space where we can shed our inhibitions and responsibilities without actually having to do so. And perhaps it’s best it stays that way.

The Red Light District Within

But keeping some fantasies strictly to the bedroom doesn’t mean fantasy can’t be a bit of fun. Even if we stick to well-worn paths in life, we all have within in us some form of red light district that society has made taboo.

A varied sex life is healthy and often enhances closeness and satisfaction in a relationship. As can sharing our fantasies with our partner. They are especially useful to us when we’ve examined what we like about a certain scenario and why we like it. And as long as we are exploring with respect and trust for ourselves and others, and of course our partner expressly tells us that they like it too.

Being Emotionally Open

There aren’t so many fantasies, and even less porn, based on open emotion, affection or loving respect — and when they are we tend to dismiss them as not really porn anyway, and for some they become less sexy for it.

When the fun of fantasy can wear a bit thin is when there is a lack of honesty — and when the only sex we have is fuelled by fantasy, when we are constantly in character. This may indicate we’re hiding a fear of dropping the mask and really connecting, of showing our true feelings and risking vulnerability with another person.

It might help to occasionally ask ourselves: How much do we please others in our fantasies and how much are we ourselves being pleased? How much do we want it this way, and how much are we going along with what our partner wants? What would we like in real life?

The Window to the Soul

We’ve all heard the saying “The eyes are the window to the soul”. We could argue that fantasy gives us a wide open door to it.

Fantasy offers an intriguing and, let’s face it, very sexy way to allow ourselves to explore and find out more about ourselves and our partners.

Sexual instinct is as old as we are; and sex and emotion are inextricably bound. As human beings, we can rarely shut off one part of us completely. It just comes out in another way.

In this way, elements of sexual fantasy point to deep-rooted, unfulfilled, emotional needs in us — often echoes from our past. These quirks can signpost parts of our childhood where our emotional (or maybe physical) needs weren’t met, and to experiences when we were tiny when we felt — and perhaps were — powerless.

A Golden Opportunity

And there lies the opportunity — to use ‘adult play’ as a chance to explore what makes us us, to learn our needs and ask for them to be fulfilled in reality too as well as in our sexual dreams, and so to evolve as real adults.

Best of all, exploring in this way can also let us show and be loved for who we are, underneath the soldier outfit or that leather mask… complete with all our fantastic and fantastical “filthy” quirks.

thecircleline.co.uk

By Philippa Richardson, Founder of The Circle Line

Mental health is important. Self-development is helpful. Emotional regulation is good. We all know this, right. (Right?) But how does it underpin a thriving team day-to-day?

I recently emailed the team at midnight with a heap of ideas and tasks to improve our service. A week or so later a colleague picked me up on this — “That email you sent the team so late at night… Don’t do that”, they said. “It doesn’t set a positive example of healthy company culture”. They also said I needed to get some sleep.

I saw red (defence mechanism kicking in). Don’t? I was working two jobs, whilst finalising my divorce, and I was tired. I was doing my best and I felt criticised and told-off: I felt like a kid again. As a new founder trying to do new things and building a new team who I valued enormously, I was put out. And underneath that I hated the thought that I’d started this new thing and then messed up already, which then for a moment turned into “I’m not cut out for this” (despite having built and led teams for years!).

I stewed on this. I didn’t want to let it go, because although I realised it was fundamentally my issue to address not my colleague’s, also:

(a) the “Don’t” language bugged me — and I knew would keep bugging me if I kept hearing it, and

(b) I knew my colleague was right.

So, I decided to raise this with my teammate (after a good night’s sleep). I thought it through first (thankfully), and said the above (without snapping). What astounded me was the way they responded…

No weirdness, no arguing; instead my colleague simply said they were sorry for the way it came out, and that in fact they were worried about me. And then they thanked me for raising it as now they could consider the way they expressed themselves in future. Their lack of defensiveness highlighted my own. It was so refreshing. We both acknowledged our part in the tension — transforming it from one mired in negativity and resentment to one underpinned by clarity and supportive understanding. We then carried on our merry way more positively, more collaboratively, with a stronger “cleaner” relationship and a juicy company culture thread on Slack to boot.

Unusual? It certainly felt it.

But our thinking is that this is a great way to do business. It helps that most of us have or have had therapy and work hard to understand and regulate ourselves.

Self-Regulation

Our belief is that a good level of self-awareness and emotional regulation helps business; it helps us make decisions for the right reasons, it helps minimise our egos, it helps us create thriving teams and collaborative relationships, sustain high performance, and know when to rest.

Our approach is to focus on 4 key areas to help develop this in every business, from the top-down (HR, leadership) as well as the bottom-up (individual support and self-development):

The importance of listening

If we don’t try to gauge the mental health of our team, how do we know how fulfilled or stressed they are, or if they’re going through divorce/family/health issues/[enter any personal situation that may affect their work]? If we don’t know what’s going on with them, both personally and professionally, how can we understand and support?

And talking

Make self-development ok. Give the subject visibility. Be open about it. Encourage introspection. Encourage honest expression. If we aren’t open, how can we hope to learn?

“Provide a crisis line, for sure, but also a work culture where openness and self-awareness are the norm”

Information helps

Provide easy access to trusted self-help material. Professional and peer content that will help them do that introspection that you’ve decided to encourage.

Support is key

With discretion and respect for employees’ privacy, encourage therapy as the norm — to boost your team further when they’re on a high, as well as bolster them when they’re going through a low. Therapy supports as well as challenges, and everyone needs regular unbiased support in their lives. Give your team some.

A tall order? We hope not. At The Circle Line we bring this approach to businesses together with the professional resources to deliver it. And this is also what we try to live and breathe, to practice what we preach… It seems to be working so far. But I’m all ears as to what works in your company to support an open attitude to self-development and positive engagement with our mental health.

thecircleline.co.uk/employers

What is potential, you may ask? Whatever you want to be, is the reply.

Being ready to fulfil it is a wondering, an itch in your insides somewhere, a curiosity to see what happens, what could be round the corner, wanting to lift the lid of a locked box, wanting to see what’s in the next aisle. Willing it.

Being not ready is a fear, a solid dark fist gripping what currently is, pressing its fat thumb on the known and keeping it there, shutting down the question, blocking out the answer; its silence and its repetition.

Being ready is not a circumstance, its not “time”, it’s not seeing a bright green light and pressing go. It’s something invisible inside us that is either growing or it is not, because we’re not letting it. We’re not allowing ourselves — for whatever secret reasons — to want something, to will it and therefore make it happen.

Making what you want to happen happen takes a bit of work. Work on ourselves. Work with others. Work that might not be easy. It takes dedication and practice. But we have the power. For the power is all in our minds…

The Power of The Mind

“It’s all in your head”… something often said to dismiss lots of useful things — intuition, the imagination, psychosomatic illnesses, the fascinating phenomenon that is the placebo effect. And yes, yes it is.

There lies the opportunity.

Watch this a mesmerising experiment by Derren Brown that beautifully demonstrates the power of the mind. This isn’t magic. No one is pretending it is. It’s the power of subliminal suggestion, almost-invisible cues, body language, the power of will and belief.

What we believe, what we imagine, what we feel and what we will to be, really does affect our outcomes. All things that are “just in our head”. Which is why being ready for change, really intending to make what we want happen, is all-important. For the power is inside us already, waiting to be found and released.

The Power of our Unconscious Mind

Why will two people respond to exactly the same external situation in a different way? Why do people have different dreams? Say a word to two different people and why do each instantly come up with different associations? Here, it’s our unconscious that creates the difference.

As shown in Derren Brown’s experiments, subliminal unconscious signals and beliefs have real influence. These signals can be formed in the here and now, but they were also given and engrained in our emotional brains before we could talk or remember them — hence these influences become a deeper part of our subconscious. Subjective fears, dreams, memories, our interpretations of reality… all are examples of our subconscious emerging. They are so deep and hidden they become automatic to us, often we aren’t even aware of them…

Unconscious brain activity happens when the brain is at rest — brain scans show that when we daydream or switch off from the external environment, quiet parts of the brain (medial pre fontal cortex, medial temporal lobes, medial parietal cortex) come to life. This coming to life happens during REM sleep, meditation, creativity and when we’re not thinking but listening to our intuition.

Unconscious brain activity also happens when our brain is very much alert, as part of our automatic survival system. This system responds to threats (both perceived and real) to our physical safety, and also threats to our emotional safety. When we are aware of and in charge of our emotional selves, there can be little real threat to our emotional safety — we are in fact safe. But often it doesn’t work like this. Instead, our powerful subconscious mind hijacks our reason, triggers an ancient survival strategy that was seared into our emotional brain before we could talk — and we respond accordingly. Often not to our benefit. This experiment shows how the brain can’t tell the real from the imaginary so when the brain detects a threat it thinks is real but isn’t, we auto-react in the same old ways, in keeping with what is just our imagination of how the world is and the threats it contains. In this way our subconscious limits us.

The Power to Heal

Such is the power of the mind that we are starting to learn how it can heal — heal itself, but also how it can even heal the body. The scientific evidence for the link between the mind and the body is compelling.

Dr David Hamilton, a former chemist at Astra Zeneca, brilliantly explains the research into the power of the mind to help heal the body. Fabrizio Benedetti, a neuroscientist at the University of Turin School of Medicine and who runs the most advanced placebo research lab in the world, demonstrated this power in an experiment with Parkinson’s patients. He showed that dopamine was produced in the brain of Parkinson’s patients and their tremors were reduced — merely by placebo injections. Placebos have been shown to work as well as painkillers. Viagra is called Viagra (not Floppy) for a reason… (to conjure images of Niagara, in case you’re wondering). And the vagus nerve, which connects our brain to our body, has been shown to be connected to cancer — high vagus nerve activity is linked to lower cancer progression. And how do we increase our vagus nerve activity? Exercise, yoga, meditation and practising compassion… That is, through the power of the mind.

As we know from seeing our hands shake when we’re scared, from when we can’t sleep from worry, from when our stomach is upset before we fly or do a public speech, emotion has a direct effect on the body. Stress increases free radicals and weakens our immune system; kindness decreases free radicals and so strengthens the immune system. Evidence shows how the love hormone oxytocin softens and enlarges our heart’s arteries. Evidence shows that in relationships where there is more kindness, love and affection, there is also less hardening of the arteries. Soft on the outside, soft on the inside (and vice versa)… It works both ways.

The emotions are powerful beasts. Beasts that can ravage or nurture our bodies. And if the mind can heal our body, the mind can certainly heal itself. It’s up to us to harness that power — by recognising and feeling the negative emotions, then letting them go and cultivating the positive ones.

Where There’s a Will There’s a Way

Most of the time we harness our conscious brain, apply our conscious thoughts, those we are aware of. We do this every day. We use logic and reason. They are more easily identified and controlled. It’s the stuff of our subconscious that is harder to identify — and so harder to either heed or ignore.

But imagine (and rationally deduce) what we can do if we harness all our faculties of thought and belief, both conscious and subconscious… Our limits start to fall away.

Luckily, where there’s a will there’s a way — by psychotherapy, creativity, meditation, exercise, writing, workshops, dreams — or a combination of all of these — we can let the unconscious beliefs at work in our life gradually emerge. And start releasing the power of our entire mind.

So, what do you really believe? And what do you will your potential to be?

Are you ready to find out?

thecircleline.co.uk

What Drives You?

Money, job security, fun, pleasure… The list could go on. But these are just some of the manifestations of deeper drives that we’ve carried with us a long, long, time. Since we were children. Since our thoughts were simpler, even if the times were scarier.

The thoughts and feelings we experienced as children eventually — after much repetition and testing on our part — produced in us some key beliefs and approaches to life, key motivations that we internalised. These “Drivers” (a catchy name coined by a therapy model called Transactional Analysis) seem to be universal — they are the five patterns of human behaviour that tend to occur regardless of age, sex or culture.

Our main Drivers are developed at a young age, by the approval or disapproval from the grownups around us. Some of the approval/disapproval messages that created them were verbal and many were subtler non-verbal messages that we received as kids. By testing our behaviour and seeing the response we got as kids, we learnt to adopt these Drivers to ensure acceptance and to feel ok about ourselves, to “survive” life. They are like our armbands. Sometimes they are very useful; without them in times of stress we can feel like we’re drowning. However, all of the Drivers all carry benefits and they can also be very limiting when we act them out through habit and out of awareness. We often display a variety of them in different situations, though we tend to favour two main ones.

So, see if you recognise yourself below…

1. PLEASE OTHERS (Please People)

Characteristics

Widened eyes; raised eyebrows; nodding; toothy smile; horizontal forehead lines; look up with head down; tone of voice goes up at the end of a sentence; qualifying words (sort of, kind of, ok); palms up gesture; reaching forwards; body moves forwards.

Benefits

Understanding and empathic. Considerate of others feelings. Good team members, enjoying being with others and aiming to please without asking. Use intuition. Notice body language and other more subtle communication signals. Encourage harmony in groups/teams. Invite quieter members into discussion.

Difficulties

Avoids any risk of upsetting someone and therefore challenging ideas or behaviour (even if justified). Cautious with criticism. Appears to lack commitment. Appears to lack assertiveness, critical faculties and courage of convictions. Takes criticism personally even if constructive. Allows others to interrupt. Presents own views as questions. Tries to mind-read instead of asking for necessary information and feeling misunderstood when others don’t like the results.

2. BE PERFECT

Characteristics

Upright erect posture. Precise. Words attempt accuracy. Even, steady tone. Looks up to right frequently. Mouth goes slightly out. Often over-detail and use parentheses. Counts on fingers. Steepling hands. Qualifies, such as saying “exactly”, “roughly”.

Benefits

Accurate, reliable work. Checks facts thoroughly. Looks ahead. Prepares well. Attention to detail. Well organised. Plans well and makes contingency plans. Smooth, efficient, well-co-ordinated projects with progress monitored. Cares about how things look.

Difficulties

May not be relied upon to produce work to deadlines as may check endlessly and too often for mistakes — asking for minor changes and doing drafts rather than final versions. Finds it difficult to incorporate others’ input. Misjudges level of detail. Applies high standards, always to self and others, failing to recognise when good enough is good enough. Demotivates with criticism. Problems delegating. May feel worthless and dissatisfied.

3. TRY HARD

Characteristics

Hand on side of cheek or behind ear; peering — lines on forehead and around eyes as a result of screwed up face. Tone strangled, tense, muffled, choked back. Incomplete sentences. Words such as try, hard, difficult, can’t think. Body moves forward.

Benefits

Tackles things enthusiastically. Energy peaks with something new to do. Others value their motivation and ability to get things off the ground. Popular. Problem solver. Volunteers for new tasks. Follows up all possibilities and finds out the implications. Pays attention to all aspects of a task, including what others overlook.

Difficulties

More committed to trying than succeeding. Initial interest wears off before task is finished. Others may resent not doing the interesting bits when they are left with the mundane bits. Makes task impossibly large. Creates difficulty with time schedule. Written work contains lots of irrelevant details. Communication may be pained, strained and frowning — listeners become confused. Too many questions given — answers don’t relate to questions asked. Gripes. Sabotages.

4. BE STRONG

Characteristics

Erect, stoical posture; body defended, still, rigid. Face expressionless, few wrinkles. Monotone, long pauses, short sentences. Uses “fine”, “one”, “it” — absence of feeling words and uses distancing pronouns.

Benefits

Stays calm under pressure. Feels energised when having to cope. Good in a crisis. Thinks logically when others panic. Keeps emotions in check, problem solves, deals with stressed people. Can make unpleasant decisions without torturing self. Seen as reliable and steady. Handles others firmly and fairly. Gives honest feedback and constructive criticism. Even tempered.

Difficulties

Hates admitting weakness: sees failure to cope as weakness. Gets overlooked rather than ask for help. Highly self-critical. Others uncomfortable about lack of emotional responses — hard to get to know robots or masked people whose smile does not extend to eyes. Fears being unlovable, so doesn’t ask for anything, in case it’s refused. Mind flits in circular motion. Hides work away — tidy appearance. May become absent minded. May withdraw.

5. HURRY UP

Characteristics

Agitated gestures (looking at watch, fidgeting, tapping foot etc). Screwed up face, eyes moving around. Rapid staccato tone. Words such as quick, got to, and time words.

Benefits

Works quickly and gets a lot done in a short time. Responds well to short deadlines — energy peaks under pressure. Enjoys having too many things to do. Believes if you want something done give it to a busy person. Prepares quickly, saves time on tasks. Juggles.

Difficulties

Delays until deadline is near. Makes mistakes in haste; corrections can take time and so misses deadline. Quality of work may be poor. May come across as impatient. Rushes with crammed diary, forgets things, frequently late. Doesn’t get to know people, feels an outsider.

Taking the Driving Seat

Of course these drivers are layered in with our various other experiences and — importantly — all the things we’ve learnt that we mustn’t do or be (for more on this see our post on The Injunctions). They aren’t a complete blueprint but they can reveal insistent patterns that are, well, sometimes just downright exhausting.

Quite why we’ve adopted these drivers is a whole other ball game, for you to explore…

But a first step is that we see them in ourselves. Because then we can practise whether we keep doing them, if they’re helping us and making us happy, or not, if they’re not. By recognising them in ourselves they lose some of their super-charged power. They become the fancy dashboard or the go-faster stripes that we choose when and how to apply.

They don’t have to actually drive us; we can take the driver’s seat instead.

thecircleline.co.uk

What exactly is stopping you?

So many things, yeah? Money (or lack of), family commitments (too many), time (there never being enough), time (it never being the right one) etc etc etc…

Years of international research has shown that, actually, there are twelve underlying beliefs — or “injunctions” — (identified and named by the field of Transactional Analysis, a theory of human behaviour and development formed after Freud’s psychoanalysis) — these form the secret rules that really hold us back in life.

They came from the often unconscious messages our parents gave us when we were kids. They can be taught through example, through rewarding certain behaviours and ignoring others, and through indirect and direct expression. Sometimes, they are not even given by the parent but by our grandparents or significant adults in our childhood, or by our “cultural parent” — the society we grow up in. Sometimes the child creates them themselves through misinterpretation.

These secret rules are held not in words but in our emotional brains that formed before we had words — and it’s that which makes them so powerful. We’ve believed them for so long that we can’t see or hear them, or see the difference between those beliefs and “me”.

Here’s the list. The twelve Injunctions have the power to shock when we see them put into words. They have such a cruel bluntness about them. And that’s not surprising because they are child-made and child-held beliefs about how to stay safe in the family we grew up in. The problem is that our inner child still believes them.

Which of them still secretly haunt you?

1. Don’t be (don’t exist).

This is one of the most harmful — but common — messages. Perhaps your parents clothed and fed you but weren’t interested in you. Maybe they felt your needs were too much. Maybe your parents didn’t want you in the first place. There is a Facebook group called ‘I regret having children’ that keeps growing. Those parents need to be careful what they unconsciously communicate to their children. Comments and behavioural messages that convey ‘If it weren’t for you I’d…divorce your mother / have a career / be free” etc can send this message to any child. A lot of people with depression are complying with a ‘don’t be’ injunction.

2. Don’t be who you are.

Maybe your parents wanted you to be more like them and less like you. Maybe they had different expectations about your appearance or your personality. Maybe they wanted you to be a different gender. The parent might compare siblings ‘oh, he’s the quiet one’, ‘she’s not very sporty’ and the child might absorb this whole and decide ‘oh ok that’s who I better be then’.

3. Don’t be a child.

‘You’re a big boy/girl now’, ’Don’t be such a baby’, ‘Grow up!’, ‘Act your age’. This sort of message is often sent to first-born children. You might have been expected to look after your siblings and be responsible. To not make mistakes or act daft. Do you tend to feel the weight of the world on your shoulders? Some parents want their children to parent them, relying on their children to comfort them, give them advice or a shoulder to cry on. People who hold this secret rule often have difficulty having fun, letting go; they might feel scared if they get too happy or excited in their life. Because they weren’t allowed to be children when they were children.

4. Don’t grow up.

Some parents want their little one to stay little — and keep needing them. Some parents define their identity solely by being parents. This message is often directed to the youngest child in the family. It can be worse when the parents do not have a strong relationship of their own or with each other. Their purpose in life comes from having a ‘baby’ to look after. You may have complied by being immature, being “naughty” or delaying leaving the nest. Adults who still allow their mum to do their laundry take note!

5. Don’t think.

When you started questioning everything as a toddler, perhaps your parents got annoyed. Or as you grew they discouraged you when you had a different opinion to theirs. This may well have gone on into your adult years. Some parents undermine confidence in their child’s ability to problem solve. You might have been made fun of for your ideas by parents or teachers. If as an adult you regularly get confused or agitated when you need to work out a problem, you may hold this injunction.

6. Don’t feel.

This one’s particularly British; the stiff upper lip. Good ole’ Blitz spirit. There are all sorts of messages in British culture around feeling our feelings: ’Keep calm and carry on’ ‘, ‘Boys don’t cry’, ‘Man up’ and ‘Don’t cry over spilt milk’. Some families pretend not to have feelings. When you cried or were upset, your parents felt uncomfortable. They got annoyed with you, they shut you out or tried to distract you. They may have said things like: ‘Big boys don’t cry’ or ‘Nice girls don’t shout.’ Do you have tears in your eyes when you get angry? Do you get angry when really you are sad? You may have learned to substitute certain emotions with others that were more acceptable in your home.

7. Don’t be well (or don’t be sane).

You may have only got the attention of your parents, or got far more of it, when you were sick. This is common, especially in a large family with lots of siblings to compete with the mum and dad’s attention. So you started not to be well more often. Whenever life feels too scary or demanding you may feel the only way to be is not to be well. You have learned to get attention from others by being unwell or unstable.

8. Don’t be important.

This may have formed in reaction to a lack of attention from your parents. Often it was about your parent not wanting you to be more important than them. Think of families that organise themselves around the needs or demands of one parent. The child’s way of seeing themselves in relation to others is then to hold an idea that they and their needs aren’t as important to others. This message is swallowed whole and believed so that the child might spend their entire lives not feeling important to anyone — not even themselves.

9. Don’t make it.

Did your parents set high or unattainable standards, so it was very difficult for you to succeed? Do your parents caution you against success? This ‘Don’t’ often comes from a parent being unconsciously jealous of their child’s abilities, or scared of disappointment and failure themselves. They might have given their child opportunities they never had and secretly resent this. They might feel threatened and not want their child to be more successful than them. The child might then obey the ‘Don’t Make it’ by unawarely sabotaging themselves, or not fulfilling their whole potential, so as not to challenge their parent.

10. Don’t be close

As a child you may have picked up on a parent not wanting to be physically or emotionally close to you; this would lead to natural feelings of rejection in any child. A parent might not have formed an emotional attachment with you, or they felt uncomfortable with intimacy and expressing emotions. Maybe they didn’t show affection, or they may have taught you not to trust others or not to share your self or your life. So in order to protect themselves from the unbearable pain of feeling rejected, the child decides it’s safer not to get close to other people.

11. Don’t belong

Perhaps your parents didn’t have many friends or judged your friends and any group you attached yourself to. Or you may have moved around a lot as a child. Parents can give a message of ‘you’re the odd one out in the family’, ‘you don’t fit in around here’, ‘it’s you not us’, ‘we brought the wrong baby home’. Or the family as a unit might not have shown it could integrate in a community. All can lead to us holding the ‘Don’t belong’ injunction.

12. Don’t. Don’t do anything.

“Don’t run.” “Don’t touch.” “Don’t get dirty.” “Don’t climb too high.” “Don’t do that.” Don’t, just don’t. Your parents were too afraid for your safety or too controlling. They tended to do everything for you, or stop you from doing anything remotely risky. You may struggle to make decisions as you think the world is a scary place. The secret message you were getting was ‘Don’t go out, explore and be yourself in the world’. People who have been magically spelled with ‘Don’t’ might lead very quiet lives, possibly finding it hard to take even small risks to get their needs met and get more out of life.

So. Do…

As a child, we did the best we could to deal with the situations we found ourselves in. We all made unconscious adaptations at the time that helped us get what we needed — at the time. Are they still working for you? Are these cautionary beliefs still what you need? With increased self-awareness we may realise that these adaptations may not serve us so well anymore. We’re adults now. And it’s our free choice how we live our lives. And the more we notice the negative injunctions we carry with us, the more we are free to stop doing them, stop blaming our parents… and to let go of all their don’ts.

thecircleline.co.uk