You are not going to be able to do it all.

You are definitely not going to be able to do it all perfectly.

Our time is limited.

There is a subtle art to letting the little fires burn so that you can tackle the meaningful ones.

President Eisenhower laid out a decision making matrix to help him delegate the responsibilities of beign a General and later a President.

His time and energy were too important.

Certain things shouldn’t cross his desk.

We get so bogged down in all of the tasks we could do that we don’t focus on what we MUST DO.

I often think it is a product of our current time.

But then I realize that people have been managing overwhelm and uncertainty for thousands of years.

The version of overwhelm and uncertainty that we manage in our day and age is just more elaborate and intricate.

Let me tell you a story.

My wife is self employed.

It’s good but also overwhelming.

She is also a mother, and a spouse.

I recently pitched the idea of getting a house cleaner and I could see her tighten up.

“I like to clean. I’m not paying someone else to do it.”

I didn’t tell her what I’m going to tell you.

It’s not about liking to clean or even paying someone.

It’s about the time you get back by paying someone to do that task that is low on the totem pole.

Cleaning is not high on my totem pole.

I do enough of it to keep things tidy and help out.

But I don’t see the “problems” my wife does.

We can be looking at the same kitchen and I’ll think “good enough” while she’s thinking “this is a disaster”.

Don’t get me started about when company is coming over.

The point here is that something has to give.

Trying to do it all is not worth the time, energy, or stress.

She either has to offload something or allow the house to be kept a bit less clean most of the time.

A popular same is “you can have anything you want, but you can’t have everything you want”.

I think it holds true.

Often, it seems like we are having everything we want…except for the peace, calm, and lower stress that comes from letting some of the little fires burn so we can take care of the big things like our health and happiness.

A cold Fresca on a hot day.

Going to the gym and trying hard.

Clipping the grass.

A good brownie.

Ice cream.

My son’s smile.

A book that draws me in.

A cool breeze.

A smile from a stranger.

The thought that pancakes may be on the menu over the weekend.

Seeing someone who didn’t think they could do something do it.

A really well thrown football.

A goal in the 87th minute of a soccer match.

Someone telling me that it’s called football.

A re-run of The Office or Seinfeld.

That random memory of something funny happening in high school.

Going out to lunch and getting a Diet Coke.

My wife and I driving each other insane, but knowing that it is what love is all about.

I could keep going.

I will stop here because this little exercise has pulled me out of my existential and pessimistic funk.

Sometimes all we need to do to keep going is to look for all the little things that keep us going.

Mental Health Struggles Are Not Battles

Stop fighting depression.

You are not in a battle.

You are in need of love, kindness, hope, and rest.

I saw today that a celebrity “lost their battle with depression”.

To think that we are battling things all the time in this life is misguided.

The words we use are important and the notion that we have to battle ourselves gives way to more despair.

I know what it feels like to be inside a body that seems like it is exhausted and failing you.

I know what it feels like for the mind to be constantly looking for threats, and like we are our own worst enemy.

The despair and the internal strife are strong.

But they are not an enemy to be defeated.

They are parts of ourself that need to be loved.

You are not going to win a battle with yourself.

That is why so many people who end their “fight” or “battle” with depression leave us.

I’m not saying those are the wrong choices.

I’m saying that what we need to do is find love, kindness, and healing.

Those are not typically tools of warfare.

The thinking patterns we create have profound effects on our physiology.

The notion of warfare is in and of itself quite stressful.

So much of our mental state is based upon imposed physical, mental, and social stressors.

We don’t need to battle.

We need to be able to rest and recharge our mental reserves.

Depression and anxiety ebb and flow for me.

Learning to love myself and be kind has helped me navigate them far better than when I tried to fight them.

How could we fight something that is part of us?

It pains me to see someone take their own life after a “battle” that didn’t need to occur.

Every life and every experience is unique.

There is no doubt about that.

But at the same time our common narratives shape us powerfully.

End the war on ourselves.

Be kind instead.

How to Take Care of Yourself

At the core of a lot our problems in life is the fact that nobody ever teaches us to take care of ourselves.

No one teaches us to take care of ourselves in ways that help us learn to understand our emotions and ultimately our unconscious controlled safety mechanisms.

Nobody teaches us that exercising to feel good, and be strong and capable is something that is healthy and confidence boosting.

Nobody teaches us how important relationships with people who avoid drama and help us grow can be.

Instead, we get a bunch of bullshit that disconnects from what being a healthy human looks like.

We get sold messages oriented around vanity, perfection, and being better than other people.

Health is complicated on one hand and really simple in the other.

Are we able to do what we want physically and mentally.

If you only want to sit on a couch and rot away then you can settle for minimal from your body and mind.

But if you want to live with minimal restrictions so you can travel, play, and be there for your family you will have to pursue more.

I often struggle with the question of “healthcare being a right or a privilege?”

Receiving care is a right and we should compassionately help those in need.

But our health is a privilege that we all too often take for granted.

At the same time we need to learn this stuff.

We need to learn that so much of our automatic behaviors stem from us developing as a kid.

We need to learn that training our body and mind will be hard in the moment but beneficial after each session.

We need to learn that having quality relationships with people we love and who love us back is invaluable to our health.

In short we need to learn to be human beings again.

Nobody taught us.

But we can learn.

About Fitness and Health

I remember believing that if I did this 15 minute ab circuit I would get a six pack.

I remember believing that this stretching routine I found in a soccer magazine would make me faster.

I remember believing that whole milk was the key to gainz.

I remember believing that I had poor mobility.

I remember believing that the key to shoulder health was a 1:1 push to pull ratio.

I remember believing that cardio killed my gainz.

I remember believing that running 5 miles was making me stronger.

I remember believing that I had bad genetics for strength.

I remember believing that if I only at chicken and broccoli I would get jacked…I just got really skinny.

I remember believing that carbs were bad and that sugar was poison.

I remember believing that the key to building muscle was “shocking the body”.

I remember believing that machines weren’t functional.

I remember believing that I was just plain slow.

I remember believing that I wasn’t good at chemistry, math, or physics.

I remember believing that “abs were made in the kitchen”.

I remember believing getting old sucked.

I remember believing that diet soda was bad for me.

I remember believing that bread was why people got fat.

I remember believing that if you lifted with poor form you’d break your back.

I remember believing that burpees were the ultimate functional activity.

I remember believing that I had to eat up to 2g of protein per day and cut carbs.

I believed that bacon was a health food.

I believed that the knee extension was bad for people's knees.

I believed that I needed to foam roll.

If you made it this far just realize that this is only the stuff I remember believing.

I have changed my mind many times, and I still don’t know much.

But changing my mind on a bunch of this stuff has made me a lot less wrong.

A lot of things don’t matter when you remember that you are going to die.

Family feud.

You are going to die. Do you care about your family? Okay, get over it.

Work troubles.

You are going to die. Either accept your work for what it is or move on. Your time is limited.

All the bullshit that we get bogged down and emotional about.

You are going to die. Might as well get busy living.

So much of the drama of our daily lives isn’t going to matter in 15 minutes, much less 15 years.

It really isn’t going to matter when your dead.

So you should go about living in a way that doesn’t impede your living.

Getting emotionally wrapped up and drained by the events of today isn’t serving your life.

It’s just you trying to keep your ego happy.

Guess what.

Your ego is going to die.

Not to long ago a friend reported to me that he felt like his mom didn’t respect him.

“I’m a grown man, and she treats me like a child.”

I asked if he had openly talked to her about it.

His reply was no, but that he shouldn’t have to.

Moms and Dads are interesting people.

They spent all this time raising their kids, and they put a lot of time, energy, attention, and love into it.

So its understandable that they don’t always look at their kids as adults.

My friend has a few options.

The first is to do nothing and move on. If his mom never treats him like an adult so be it.

The second is to just conduct himself like an adult and teach her, by his actions, how he wants to be treated.

Finally, if he wants to address things directly he can do that too. He just has to be patient and kind about it. She probably just wants to make sure he is happy and comfortable. It’s not personal. Okay, maybe it is, but not in a bad way.

All this to say she’s his mom and at the end of the day you are both going to die some day. So figure out how to get what you both really want and move forward without making a big stink of it.

They both just want a good relationship. So make that the focus.

Don’t worry about most of the other shit, and move forward.

Time is running out.

We are going to die.

Let’s not let our petty bullshit get in the way.

Break Free

I am a firm believer in the necessity to change and evolve. It’s not an easy thing to do. I try to help people do it every day as a coach. I have no secrets, hacks, or quick fixes. I believe in creating behavior change through understanding ourselves.

The first step is almost always developing some form of awareness. Awareness of our goals, identities, and where we currently are. As I started reading Anna Lembke’s book Dopamine Nation I couldn’t help but realize the fact that most of us have no idea what we are going up against when it comes to managing our mind against addiction, burnout, and the stresses of life.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with pursuit and eventual reward of a substance or activity. How dopamine contributes to feelings of pleasure, happiness, and ultimately addiction is beyond the goal of this post.

The brain, neurotransmitters, and the complexity of human experience is fascinating. I want to touch on a framework Lembke lays out and how I am already find it useful when helping people break habits, manage pain, and move forward in life.

I present DOPAMINE.

There were two big things about this framework that stood out to me. The first was how damn clever it was as part of the book and as a useful tool for patients, clinicians, and everyone else.

The second was how well it encapsulates the scientific method applied to humans.

In the book Lembke lays out how to use the framework with a teenage girl who is trying to navigate her anxiety and using marijuana to cope. Lembke tells the story of non-judgmentally helping the girl realize that trying to cut out marijuana for a month could be useful as part of managing her anxiety and all the problems she associates with it.

Data

The first step is to take stock of how often, how much, and when you are using any drug or performing an act like watching pornography or doomscrolling your phone. Taking a step back and noticing how much you do something is often jarring.

Objectives

Again, taking a step back and trying to understand why we are doing what we are doing is a big piece in developing awareness. In the case of the girl from Lembke’s story the teenage girl had started using to manage her anxiety. The problem was that she had continued to be anxious and was constantly thinking about how to manage her use.

Problems

What are the problems associated with this behavior. It’s not always clearly evident to individuals that the behavior is causing problems. Kids don’t often associate the massive amount of time they spend gaming or on social media with problems. It’s only when their grades start tanking or their lack of self esteem gets in the way of living life that they can see.

Abstinence

Going off the drug or behavior is important for bringing us back to baseline, homeostasis, so we can start to make change. There is almost always a period of withdrawal, anxiety, and pain. Going off the sauce is not easy, and it’s often scary but it also tends to show how much the person was addicted.

Mindfulness

The practice of stepping back and learning to sit with ourselves is a lost art in our day and age. Mindfulness and meditation have turned into boxes to be checked. This is not necessarily bad, but the utility is learning to objectively and kindly sit with our thoughts and realize that we have choices. You can become an observer that dictates the path instead of being jerked around by your desires. This is not easy, and it requires practice and patience.

Insight

What did the period of abstinence and mindfulness do? This is a sort of “metacognition” phase. We are thinking about our patterns and behaviors and how the actions we have taken has effected us.

Next Steps

A lot of people actually choose to reintroduce drugs into their life. The narrative that someone is addicted and they must completely abstain is often put forth by groups like Alcoholics Anonymous. But many people have the potential to reintroduce something like alcohol or marijuana at levels that don’t decrease their function. It’s tricky and some people are better off completely abstaining. Still, for other problems like cell phone usage, gaming, or other “addictions” reintroduction is possible.

The big thing is for the person to dictate the next steps based on what they want to have happen in their life.

Experiment

Finally, what do things look like with or without the use of the drug or behavior. Giving yourself permission to experiment and observe yourself are powerful.

Using DOPAMINE to manage dopamine is a powerful tool for personal change.

Anxiety is the feeling of fear, dread, or uneasiness associated with the future.

It manifests as fast heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, and feeling tired.

Anxiety has widespread physiological effects.

I never identified as anxious before 2020.

I really didn’t know what it meant prior to me going through a pretty big wave of anxiety and depression starting in July of that year.

In hindsight so much of what I was experiencing makes sense.

But in the moment I was afraid that I was on the path to chronic disease.

In some ways I could have been.

The thing most of us overlook is the fact that our emotional state has widespread effects on our body.

The short term state of a fast heart rate, breathing hard, sweating, and fatigue turn into more chronic things like regular headaches, a sense of doom, and elevated blood pressure.

I thought that I was on the path to chronic fatigue syndrome.

Chronic fatigue syndrome was something I had seen as a healthcare practitioner.

People feel a constant sense of tiredness, low energy, and no motivation.

It feels like being trapped in their body.

When you zoom out and think about what chronic worry and a low sense of safety would do to you things start to make more sense.

2020 was a wild year in many ways for the entire world.

Our technologically connected world faced a pandemic for the first time.

There were probably pros and cons to this.

Widespread information probably helped manage the spread of the disease and helped treat it in ways that would have never occurred prior to our current era.

But we were also constantly bombarded with the news, things turned political, and I constantly thought about the potential to pick up and spread the infection.

I eventually had a panic attack.

That set off a cascade of fear that something was wrong with me which created another vicious cycle of anxiety that perpetuated how I was feeling.

Understanding the physiologic impact of our thinking and behaving doesn’t fix anything.

Mostly because you don’t need fixing.

You need to understand how that big beautiful brain you have is a tricky thing to manage.

But if you don’t it could end up wearing you down.

Part of how you manage your mind is by building confidence in your body via solid nutrition, exercise, and sleep.

Learning to relax physically and mentally was something that I had to work on.

Learning to give up worrying about things I couldn’t control and be present was another.

I also had to learn to manage how I consume media and realize what things like the news, social media, and politcs can do to us.

In our day and age it is quite easy to be constantly stimulated.

We don’t even know what we are doing to ourselves.

I don’t want you to go down the rabbit holes I went down, and I don’t want you to create the vicious cycles that often come with not managing your physiology.

I love Gregg Popovich so much.

He’s an amazing combination of class, wit, and brutal honesty.

One of the things that make me love Coach Popovich so much is how his players gravitate towards him.

It’s love.

You only get that kind of love by giving it.

One of my favorite stories about Coach Popovich is that he was once asked if he could eat dinner with anyone in recorded history who would it be.

This leaves potential options of Jesus, Marcus Aurelius, Mother Theresa, Elvis, and many other notable figures.

Popovich replied, “Timmy.”

He was referencing Tim Duncan, his long time player.

Here’s the rub. Popovich goes to dinner with his team regularly.

He can eat dinner with Tim Duncan any night of the week.

But he would still go to dinner with his player and friend.

Love.

That’s the measure of a person.

How much love they give out.

I’ve read in multiple places how “Pop” is a master of culture and team building.

Team dinners are one prime example.

Winning in the NBA require cohesion of a group of diverse talent.

Taking a roster of individuals and building a team who can collectively, and unselfishly work towards a common goal is not easy.

To bring the group together the team and their families often eat meals together and have conversations about things bigger than basketball.

Sharing food, drink, and conversation leads to bonds that aren’t just formed at practice.

Relationships and spunk are what I found so attractive about Coach Popovich.

In a time when things seem to becoming more superficial, short lived, and transactional Coach Popovich is a good example that we should strive to emulate.

It’s not about the wins and losses. It’s about how you build the team.

Doing the behavior activates the feeling

It seems so simple right?

But think about the last time you have been stuck in the endless cycle of thinking.

Should I go to the gym?

Should I get up and do the dishes?

Should I start working on the business?

Should I write that post?

We rarely feel like doing most things.

If we were pulled along by the necessity of money we would probably lounge around all day.

That may sound amazing, but I am regularly astounded by people who retire and then go back to work because they can’t stand the boredom.

Behavioral Activation is a treatment approach for managing anxiety and depression.

It boils down to this.

We get stuck thinking.

Our lack of action makes us feel bad.

We tell ourselves well get started when we feel good.

We don’t do anything and continue to feel bad.

The loop repeats itself.

It’s a vicious cycle.

You break the loop by taking action.

You don’t have to be perfect.

You just have to get moving.

Take the walk.

Empty the dishwasher.

Brush your teeth.

Go to the gym.

Set a timer and write for 2 minutes.

Humans are so freaking smart that we can think ourselves to death.

Nothing is going to change without action.

You aren’t go to feel better until you start doing.

Break the loop and take action.

Our behaviors are what make us feel good.

We don’t feel our way forward.

We move.