Lately, I have been unconsciously comparing myself, especially with friends or colleagues who seem to have reached their goals earlier. Some have already completed their PhDs, some have grabbed awards I still feel far from, and it’s hard not to question my own pace, my own life, which is the opposite.

I also think about expectations, especially in relation to my family. I know my mom has long accepted me as I am, including my learning disability. Her care often comes in the form of reassurance (you’re doing fine) rather than pressure (you should this and that). However, I wish I could give her something more “tangible” to feel proud of, for example an award. Ugh, maybe I deserve one, one day.

Previously, my advisor mentioned that I was (really) behind compared to my classmates because I had not made significant progress yet (lol and cry). Hearing that honestly made me questioning myself. Sometimes I honestly didn’t know what I should do next. Being a fully independent graduate student (esp PhD) also takes time to adjust to, and I am still learning how to manage it.

Maybe my pace is slower than my seniors. Maybe I need more time to understand things properly before moving forward. And for a while, I kept judging myself a lot because of that.

But fortunately, my co-advisor recently saw me with a different perspective. He agreed that my current progress is still very much in the “beginning phase,” and that it is completely fine. He believed that, despite everything, I must’ve learned a lot throughout the process already. He added that what I need to do now is simply continue and finish all of my “beginning experiments” first.

What shocked me the most was not the advice itself, but the fact that he understood me in the first place. Somehow, that alone gave me a lot strength. I thought maybe I am not the first “gifted student” he has encountered, so he understands that every student grows at a different pace. Yet, I felt very grateful for his patience toward my existence.

Recently, a senpai, someone who doesn’t usually talk to me often, noticed that I had been absent from the lab for a while. He reached out and asked if I was okay. That simple question somehow turned into a longer conversation, and we ended up texting in the middle of the night. Then, he said, “Don’t judge yourself. This is important.”

Silly me, my mind didn’t immediately process that sentence. I even went to ask chatgpt just to understand what “don’t judge yourself” really meant. It basically means do not too harsh or critical toward ourself, especially in moments when we’re in difficult time. Not every slump is a mirror of our ability or self-worth. Sometimes we’re just tired, overwhelmed, or going through a hard time and adding self-judgment “topping” only worsen the moment.

At the same time, I also felt a sense of gratitude. Maybe my current life is actually someone else’s dream. What I saw as “ordinary” things might be something someone else deeply wish for. This mindset makes me feel more grounded, it reminds me that I’m already living through something meaningful. This might help me stay humble as I continue moving forward.

Nevertheless, I feel like I’m still in the middle of figuring things out. I’m slowly learning how to live with uncertainty, comparison, and expectation, and none of these can fully define myself.

And maybe I don’t need to figure everything out. Or maybe not yet.

All the best, is a powerful phrase when you wish someone for their birthday. Means they hope the same what you wishes for, what you dreamed for. And yup, all the best for myself. Happy birthday and be happy, healthy, wealthy.

Fortunately, other good things happened. My second semester went really well in class, I got straight As. I’m glad that at least I did something well in important classes. I’m also glad that my teacher gave me another chance. I’d better utilize it well, and I hope I can bring good news to him really soon.

Too much has happened in my first year of PhD. When you ask me, am I sick? Yes. Am I tired? Yes. The pressure is too high, but I guess I need to be stronger than before; otherwise, I’ll end up like autoclaved microorganisms.

My senior who often helped me, as well as scolded me, has graduated. I’m so happy for her, she finally became a doctor. Anyway, I haven’t contacted her for a while. I’m also confused about where to start because, you know, I still don’t have any good results from my experiments yet 😭😭 I think she might scold me again, huhu.

Oh, and about my condition, I recently found out that I can make mistakes even though I’m being focused. I do have some ADHD symptoms (neurodivergent sometimes shared some similar symptoms), but there are some differences between dyslexia and ADHD, and that is one of the examples. That means I need to be more careful and work more slowly, because it’s better to check everything over and over again rather than repeat the same experiments, which can make me a little bored since I already know what will happen. Also time management, sometimes i read the schedule wrong. For example, I got an email “We’ll have a meeting. Wednesday 12”. And I set my alarm as 21. Based on true story sadly🥲

But the problem is I still cannot justify what happened with my organism and what they actually do for a living. I need to explain it to my professor as well as my lab members, but yeah, until now I’ve gathered some information and read a lot, but I still can’t manage to elaborate on it.

I actually feel so grateful. Even though there were some unfortunate events, I’m glad that some people still chose to give me strength. Of course, I understand that not everyone will understand my default condition (you know, the neurodivergent thing). I also won’t use my condition as an excuse or for justification. But just so you know, I’m trying hard to be as “normal” as you guys.

Anyway, I’m writing this in the middle of the last 10 days of Ramadan. I got sick, particularly with the flu, fever, and a headache. I don’t know why, but I guess I pushed myself a little bit too much. I don’t know what to write anymore. Bye.

First semester as a PhD student

Now that I’ve entered the best university in Taiwan, I’ll be honest, I felt overwhelmed, both academically and socially. Best university means best people from all over the place, right? My friends here are no joke. For example, I’ve made friends with undergraduates who are either science Olympians or top of their high school class. Meanwhile, I’m just a “mid-brainer” trying to socialize with them without melting down.

Research-wise, my professor is very ambitious. He once told me, “You’re in the best university now, so please act like it.” While most of my PhD friends from other universities start their projects in their second or third semester, I started mine in the first semester. And before the second semester even begins, I need to present everything I’ve done so far.

On top of that, I have to take five basic departmental courses to qualify for the PhD candidacy exam. These are undergraduate-level courses (classes I already took in my undergrad) but since I didn’t graduate from here, I have to redo them. This means splitting my focus between coursework and research, which is a nightmare for someone like me who’s terrible at multitasking (thanks, dyslexia). Result: I kind of messed up both for REAL.

Now I’m spending my summer vacation working hard to get back on track. I’m hoping things will go smoother before the next semester starts.

Socially? Let’s just say I have two friends in my lab and three from another lab. I have never eaten out with my lab-mates (unless my professor is there), but I have eaten out with my Taiwanese friend from the other lab. Why? No idea. Life works in mysterious ways. But finally, I managed to eat dinner with one of my lab-mate before she graduate.

First trip to South Korea

One of my classmates here, let’s call her Z (also Indonesian), was the one who started it. When we first met, it was awkward for me, but over time she started chatting more. One day she suddenly said, “Let’s go to Korea!” I thought she was joking, so I just said yes. At the time, I had not consider her as “the close friend, as close as we’ll go abroad to travel together”. Turns out she was dead serious, a month before the semester ended, she told me to buy tickets and apply for a visa.

Through her, I met A, an Indonesian senior who’s about to finish his master’s. At first, Z introduced us for matchmaking purposes (?), and after a few conversations I just thought, “Okay, he’s a good friend.” Later, I found out it wasn’t him joining our trip, it was Z joining his trip. She just didn’t want it to be the two of them, so she asked me to tag along. Completely random, yes IT IS.

Arriving in Seoul felt refreshing, new city, new air, new vibe. I love how Korea balances the traditional and modern so well. You can walk out of a busy street and suddenly find a beautiful traditional palace.

We ate a lot of snacks and dishes, but my favorite was samgyetang (chicken ginseng soup). We visited several universities, and I get why people want to study there, the campuses are gorgeous, i can imagine in winter when they’re covered in snow. I also went to Kwangya (SM Entertainment’s official store) and bought RIIZE’s mini light stick because I love Anton ❤, don’t ask me the corellation.

Itaewon was an experience. Clubs everywhere, people dressed beautifully and stylishly, while I and A were in our plain shirt and Z was in her hijab. We looked like lost exchange students. We also went to Hongdae, hoping to spot the infamous “Hongdae guys,” but clearly we weren’t their target audience.

Of course, there were some culture shocks. In Taiwan, you can board a bus from the back door, but in Korea you must enter from the front, we messed up once and the driver yelled at us while everyone stared. Also, trash cans are rare. Taiwan already makes you hunt for them (unless there is mrt station or night market nearby), but Korea? It’s even harder.

After six days, I left thinking that I should come back soon.

First Online Lecture

One of my master’s friends, T, recently became a lecturer and asked me to help with her first guest lecture invitation. Apparently, she thought I was the best candidate for the job. At first, I hesitated but after a few minutes, I decided to go for it. It was a good chance to practice public speaking and boost my confidence.

Since it was an international class in Indonesia, I prepared everything in English. My friend said I did well overall, but she noticed my random habit of saying “lol” while talking, especially if I (myself) find it funny. Still, compared to my very first seminar presentation during my master’s, my random habits were way less noticeable. Such a progress!

Anyway!

First encounters are always so hard because nothing ever goes exactly as planned. But in the end, I still enjoyed the ride. Now I have my professor’s “annual evaluation” coming up — if I pass, I can continue my PhD. Let’s see if I can survive my first year.

It sounds like a simple question. But for someone who has dyslexia, it’s a bit complicated. Also for a someone like me who has humorous side, I actually get confused on how should I answer him. Like I cannot read whether he would like to listen the serious one or the humourous one.

So here’s the truth:
I’m both a genius and a disaster.
It really depends on the subject.

My learning style doesn’t fit into a neat box. There are some subjects that just click in one shot. I can go through them in a day, sometimes even in a few hours, and everything just makes sense. I absorb the concept, connect the dots, and move forward.

But then there are other subjects that feel like walking through mud. I put in hours. I try different methods. I re-read, re-write, re-watch, watching Indian youtube channels, and still, it does make ZERO sense. Sometimes, even after all that effort, it feels like I barely touched the surface. And that is VERY frustrating, not because I’m not trying hard enough, but because my brain is wired differently.

So what do i do?

For those “muddy” subjects, I shift my mindset. I stop trying to master them perfectly and aim for what’s realistic which means enough understanding to pass, to get by, to meet the requirement. Tbh, not everything needs to be done at a hundred percent tho. I save my energy for the things that matter more to me, the things where I know I can shine like Kumon’s logo.

Dyslexia doesn’t mean I can’t learn or I can’t study, it just means I learn differently. It’s not about speed or slowness. It’s about rhythm. And sometimes it syncs with the world around me, and sometimes it doesn’t. But that doesn’t make it less valid.

So if you ask me, “Do you learn fast or do you need effort?” the answer is: both. I learn fast when the path is clear. I need effort when the road is rough. And either way, I keep going anjaaaay.

But sometimes I overthink, becasue when I talk about something like this I’m afraid that I will sound like a “pick-me girl” when I actually NOT. ARRRRGHHH never mind

I can hardly believe I’m now in my second year of graduate school at National Taiwan Ocean University (NTOU), a public university located in Keelung, a port city at the northernmost tip of Taiwan. The twists and turns that brought me here began with an unexpected suggestion from my cousin, Nanda. At that time, she was exploring different activities and suddenly invited me to apply for a master’s program.

Back then, I wasn’t in a good place. After burying my father, all my beautiful plans seemed to vanish. I was no longer just the eldest child, I suddenly had to shoulder the role of head of the family. Fortunately, both my mother and younger sibling gave me their full support to continue my education. Okay, that’s enough about the tears and the cortisol spikes, let’s move on to brighter parts of the journey, which I’ve broken down into a few chapters.

Part I: Reunited with Taiwan

Honestly, Taiwan was never part of my plans for further study, even though I’d once spent time here back in 2018 during an undergraduate exchange program at a university in Pingtung. I was doing my undergraduate thesis research under a British professor, and all the lab members were international students from Latin America and India. That diverse environment made the cultural transition quite smooth for me. I’d grown comfortable with multicultural settings thanks to previous exchange experiences.

Then, in 2022, I was accepted to NTOU. I never imagined I’d end up with a local Taiwanese professor and lab mates, all of them are Taiwanese. That’s when the culture shock hit. With all due respect, I found that many locals seemed quite individualistic. Coming from a warm, supportive culture, I was startled to find myself in a lab full of people whose outward personality similar to my own which is quiet and reserved. At first, I felt overwhelmed. However as time passed, we grew closer, and I discovered that they could be incredibly helpful, too.

Part II: Cold Winters, Hot Summers, Rain All Year

One thing my body was not ready for was the climate in Keelung. The city experiences all four seasons since it’s in northern Taiwan, though it never snows due to low elevation. Winter temperatures can drop below 5°C, and the strong winds combined with rain make the cold even harsher. If you’re not good at adapting to cold, this place can negatively impact your health.

Fortunately, students in Taiwan are covered under the national health insurance (NHI), just like the locals. Still, for those entering in the fall semester, I recommend bringing a good stock of medicine and multivitamins to stay healthy until your NHI card is issued.

Summers are no better, scorching heat, mirages on the roads, and hot rain. The high humidity means mold can grow easily in your room. I learned to use disposable dehumidifiers or the electric one to keep things dry. Whether it’s heat exhaustion or cold chills, health maintenance is a constant challenge here.

Part III: Bland Food? No Problem!

One of the perks for not being a “picky eater” is not having food issues abroad. Taiwanese cuisine offers variety, but many dishes are quite bland by Indonesian standards. Some of my friends complained about this, and if they have the money, they’ll eat at the nearby Indonesian restaurants. Those on tighter budgets often just cook for themselves.

One day, a local friend told us she liked spicy food. Intrinsically, we assumed she could handle the typical level of Indonesian spice. So we cooked her a spicy dish and she was shocked: “How can you eat something this spicy?” We laughed and told her it wasn’t even that hot. I, someone who doesn’t even love spicy food, could eat it just fine. She never touched our food again. I still wonder, did she get diarrhea from it?

I even created an Instagram account dedicated to sharing food photos and spots around the university, as a reference for fellow students. I enjoy recommending affordable meals and occasionally post my own recipes when I cook.

Part IV: Dorm Life vs. Living Off-Campus

Graduate school was my first time living in a dorm. Our room had four students, three Indonesians, including myself, and one Malaysian. Even though we shared similar backgrounds, differences in habits and opinions were inevitable.

During Ramadan, I had to wake up before dawn for suhoor. One night, Nanda and I were cooking quietly with just a desk lamp on. But apparently, we were still too noisy. Later that day, one of our roommates messaged us asking to keep the noise down. We immediately apologized and promised to be more considerate.

After two semesters, Nanda and I moved off-campus together. We found a room for two. In the dorms, we’d been in separate rooms, so I didn’t know her daily habits well. Even though we’re related, we discovered small differences in our routines. Still, we adjusted. Living outside gave us more freedom, plus we no longer had to pay for laundry. Our new place is conveniently close to both our departments, just walk for a few meters and all good.

Part V: Will You Be My Friend?

Socializing isn’t easy for someone like me. I’m reserved and slow to open up. Unlike my cousin Nanda, she’s sociable and friendly. At first, I clung to her and knew more people in her department (Aquaculture) than in my own (Food Science).

Thankfully, I had a fellow Indonesian labmate, Adnan, who helped me get to know people and introduced me to many, even though I’d forget most of what he told me.

Then I met Sela, another Indonesian student in Food Science, who first called me “Kak” (older sister) when we met at the prayer room. I politely declined as I didn’t want age-based hierarchies limiting friendships. Interestingly, another student, Kia from the Food Safety department, initially wasn’t interested in being friends with me. We used to just exchange polite greetings. But somehow, Sela and Kia became my closest friends and helped me become more independent from Nanda.

During a Christmas gift exchange, I received a note with a present from a Taiwanese lab mate named Jeni. She wrote, “I hope we can become closer.” It made me reflect: Am I really that closed off? Later, another local friend, Chewy, opened up to me, and I made an effort to respond thoughtfully. Jeni joined in, and from that moment on, we formed a deeper bond. Now, they are more than just colleagues, they’re my friends.

Part VI: Chinese, A Beautiful Struggle

I was born with a genetic brain condition, dyslexia, which makes language processing a challenge. Learning a new language, especially Chinese, is a huge but exciting hurdle for me. I had some exposure to Chinese in primary school and a bit in a course later, but unused languages vanish real quick, especially with my short memory span.

Even writing this essay, I rely heavily on autocorrect. Dyslexia causes me to mispronounce words or even invent new ones. For example, I often confuse 報告 (bàogào, report) with 包裹 (bāoguǒ, package). The easiest solution is to memorize the characters visually, but if they’re similar? I’m in double trouble.

Grammar is also a minefield, as I often mix up word order and accidentally create nonsensical phrases. Despite this, Chinese classes are mandatory for two semesters at my university. Though it was hard at first, I eventually became one of our teacher Debbie Laoshi’s favorite students. She probably saw how hard I tried. She often corrected my grammar but praised my progress. My Taiwanese lab mates helped me learn new vocabulary as well.

To practice, I wrote some Facebook posts in Chinese. I’ve participated in two Chinese storytelling contests and won as 1st place and popular place, respectively. This year (2024), I passed the Chinese proficiency test with an A1 level. I plan to keep improving and aim even higher on the next test.

Part VII: Graduate School - Class, Lab, and…

Multitasking is hard especially for me. While many students begin their pre-experiments in the first semester, I focused on classes. Friends would ask, “Have you started your research yet?” and I’d just shake my head.

By the second semester, I had fewer classes and finally settled on a thesis topic, one I’d never encountered before, which meant I had to learn quickly. Research began before my proposal and continued after, of course with many revisions. I was not overly active in the lab, but I contributed where I can, including being the fourth author on a senior’s published paper.

My professor was quite flexible, encouraging us to try new things. He can be sensitive at times, but I understand — it’s probably because he’s so busy and tired.

Outside academics, I made time to heal and recharge. Photography is one of my favorite hobbies. I often go sightseeing just to capture beautiful shots, which I shared on Instagram stories. I’ve even taken graduation photos for seniors. In less than two years, I’ve already attended three concerts of my favorite idols.

Final Thoughts: Thank You, Me

Thank you, God, for allowing me to study in Taiwan, grow into a better version of myself, and keep rising after every fall. Thank you, dear self, for enduring so much and continuing to face life with courage. Thank you to my family, my mom and sister, for their unwavering support from afar. And thank you to my cousin and all the friends, named or unnamed, who walked this journey with me.

I believe this adventure in Taiwan is only a small part of a much longer journey toward my dreams. I hope that, no matter what lies ahead, I will always remain grateful. May this story inspire others to pursue their studies abroad — wherever that may be — as long as it is done with good purpose and sincere intent.

-S