I have heard people say that grief never ends; rather, it changes.

I think that is a very complex question. It depends on how one defines grief, I suppose. There are several constructs of how we process grief: Kubler-Ross being the most referenced. These constructs identify the stages we experience as we pass from the initial devastating event to a more peaceful stage of acceptance and building a life in the aftermath. For example, Kubler-Ross’s stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Not only do we go through these stages, but we can expect to revisit them from time to time.

So, I wonder: when we get to the stage of acceptance, have we put grief behind us? We are not likely to ever forget what happened to us that caused grief in the first place, but do we continue to live with grief, however mild it may become?

I don’t know; nor have I read anyone else’s work on that question so far. I am certainly not there yet myself.

What I can say is there are things that bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart, even as I live in the aftermath of many losses. These things see me through the sad spaces and help me know there is life still to be lived, a future to be built.

I understand that when we are in the depths of grieving even the most pleasurable things in our life cannot touch the spot where joy lives. I do think, though, that one little step at a time, one wee smile at something we love, will open the door for more wonderful things to walk through. And life will return.

Plus, I don’t feel that I am being disloyal to the people I love who have passed on. I need to move forward with my own life, while I still have it to live. Yes, I still shed tears….and I laugh.

So here we go…..

Weddings

I love weddings. One is standing in front of the guests with the officiant, waiting for their sweetheart to enter. My heart fills with joy in response to the joy which is so clearly expressed on their face. In comes the beloved, dressed as never before, face shining, coming toward them eager to join their lives together. Wow!

It is a precious, life affirming event. And afterward, the community joins together to welcome the couple to this new stage of life, this new place in the community….dancing, food, laughter, gifts, visiting, sometimes for days.

Talent

I also love seeing people stand up in front of a group and share their talent, sometimes overcoming great odds. Great, bad or indifferent, they are hoping for applause and risking criticism. Poetry slams, karaoke night, jam sessions, talent contests, or simply a family barbeque, they are sharing their authentic self. What better gift is there?

More

v Kids baking shows always make me smile.

v Cute kitten and puppy reels and videos never fail.

v Babies are adorable. Have you seen the video where a parent puts their head on their little one’s lap? Right away their child hugs and kisses them.

v Coffee visits with friends are a joy.

v Scones flood my system with dopamine!

v Baby turtles rushing from their sand hatchery to the water.

v Two little boys running toward each other with big laughs and arms wide open — like long lost friends.

v Oh yes — Bubbles — Yay!

Sometimes I simply remember with pleasure…

v Winter weekends at my in-laws’ cottage, especially Christmas.

v Bundling up as my husband and I hustled to the sauna by the frozen lake and walking back, carrying our coats, steam rising from our bodies.

v Walking our two cats along the lake front road.

v Outdoor breakfast cooked on a camp stove.

v Dancing at an elegant club, dressed to the nines.

v Wearing clothes that I made myself.

v Favorite songs from the past.

v Special places my husband loved to surprise me with.

What about you?

A walk, jog, or run?

Walking the dog in a wonderful setting?

Hiking in the woods?

Running a marathon?

Developing a skill?

Fulfilling a dream?

Hiking up a mountain?

Feeling the ground under your feet?

Sitting in the yard on a warm summer’s day?

Concert in the park?

Swimming in the ocean?

Meeting new people?

Surprising a friend?

Surprising a stranger?

Volunteering?

Playing golf?

Gathering with friends?

Taking in a play, or the opera, or ballet?

Going on a one-day tour to a local attraction?

Dinner with family?

Life is full of so many wonderful things.

We are entitled to grieve; we must give expression to it.

And we are entitled to find joy in life.

Be well. Be happy.

(Thanks so much to Kay Martin for some editorial help.)

Cathy Carphin is a Certified Grief Educator, writer and poet, living in Victoria, BC, Canada. You can connect with her for individual discussions by visiting her website and contacting by email: cathy@letstalktogether.ca

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The Journey

If you can look upon the life event that turned your world upside down and acknowledge that it happened,
I say you are brave.

And if you are allowing those feelings of grief to come up and be expressed,
I am happy for you.

If you have accepted what has happened, even though you didn’t cause it, or ask for it to happen,
then I say you are a star.

Sometimes we look back on the event and feel responsible, or guilty, for whatever part we think we played in the event and/or outcome. If you can come to a place where you realize that the event was likely to happen regardless of your presence, or participation, or lack of either, then I say not only are you a star;
you are a rock star.

If you are able to reach out to other people and have your truth be heard,
I say good on ya’ — it can be hard to reach out and say what we need to say.

If you can accept that not everyone in your world will understand your truth,
I say you are wise.

If you can seek out, recognize and reach out to people who will come along side and support you,
I say you are blessed.

And if you are still feeling your way through the brambles and sludge, through the tears and the pain,
I say you are a hero.

The Destination

Your destination is not a restored you as you used to be. That person is becoming part of the new person who is emerging from the devastation with new wisdom and gifts forged in the wilderness.

Keep on. You are doing what must be done — this is the journey to your own health and wellbeing.

And if you are not there yet,
I say be kind to yourself. It is the first step to wholeness.

The hero(ine) lies within.

You will get there in your own time.

Cathy Carphin is a Certified Grief Educator, writer and poet, living in Victoria, BC, Canada. You can connect with her for individual discussions by visiting her website
and contacting by email: cathy@letstalktogether.ca

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Sometimes I hear people comment on how this person’s grief is more or less difficult than that of someone else they know. I guess they mean to be helpful but really any observation like that only serves to deny the very real pain that either party is in.

I could cite examples but I cringe when I think of them, so why would I give space to any of them?

Do we compare ourselves?

We don’t want to hear those comparison’s from other people. Do we do it to ourselves?

I know that when I hear some of the devastating things that have happened to other people, I think I hardly have anything to complain about. They have experienced horrendous events, or multiple tragedies coming at them one after the other. I don’t know that I could have survived some of the life events that they are dealing with.

And while that is truly how I feel, what I am also doing is discounting my own experiences, my own pain, my own coping skills and my own successes.

Was that too much?

In the last nine years I have dealt with two car accidents, cancer, caring for my husband’s wellbeing after a stroke that excavated his cognitive abilities, his death, my retirement, and now moving household. Oh yes, and loss of community due to COVID and my build up of grief over that time.

In some ways, yes, all of this was too much. I certainly had a meltdown a year after my husband died. At that point, I decided to look after myself, take time off work, take counselling, learn about trauma recovery and the grieving process. I built a community of supportive people who know about grief.

I was heard, understood, and supported.

In some ways, no, I didn’t experience it as an overwhelming period in my life. Each event came along in its time, some overlap to be sure, but I had taken action on each piece before the next piece came along, so while I was going through these life events, it didn’t seem to be too much to handle.

Until it did.

And when it did, it was clear that I had to focus on my own wellbeing and healing.
First, I had to recognize that all these life events were creating inner wounds.
Wounds that I didn’t recognize and therefore couldn’t heal. Finally, I was taking action in both realms. It was the difference between focusing on external circumstances and attending to the internal impacts.

What I am saying is, we are each on our own journey.

When we are hit with a world-shaking event, first we are in shock. Our mind tries to make sense of what happened and how our own life is changed. Our mind and body sustain invisible wounds. We are faced with the challenge of deciding how to respond and how to make over our life in face of this change.

Comparing our journey with someone else’s in terms of “Am I doing this right?” “Am I crazy?” “Has anyone else been through what I am going through?” doesn’t get us very far.

It helps to hear that we are not alone in our internal responses; the weirdest thoughts are common. I think what that does is help us to understand that as grievers we are equal. There is no better than, or worse than.

Grieving devastating loss is basic to every human.

We differ in how we respond. We interpret and act according to our own life experiences, our sense of agency in our own life, our expectation of continuity in our world, and maybe even our sense of entitlement and fairness.

So, if you are tempted to compare one person’s loss with someone else’s, stop. Remember that each person is coping with their own loss in the best way they can. Your pain is real, your loss is real.

We are each unique. We deserve to restore equilibrium in our life.

Be blessed. Be well.

_________________________

Cathy Carphin is a Certified Grief Educator, writer and poet, living in Victoria, BC, Canada. You can connect with her for individual discussions by visiting her website or by contacting by email: cathy@letstalktogether.ca

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We learn more from pain than from calm. Even though I have known this for many years, it isn’t something I think about on a day-to-day basis. However, I had this lesson brought home to me again recently.

My Lesson

It is a simple example really and one to which almost everyone will relate. I was complaining to a friend about how I am aware of my stomach almost all the time. I get signals that I interpret as hunger, but when I eat my stomach still sends signals of discomfort.

I don’t think I am lactose intolerant or gluten sensitive but something was definitely upsetting my system. I do eat a lot of dairy and bread; have done all my life. I am aware that so much of our prepared food has more additives than when I was young. Even the source foods, like grain have undergone changes in recent decades. I wondered if these factors were the source of my problem.

My friend suggested I try bread made from original grains, also called Ancient Grains — made from grains that are still genetically unaltered and grown in natural soil. There is a bread readily available in the grocery stores where I live, so I gave it a try.

Ureka! Stomach pains are gone.

This little lesson reminded me that pain is a great motivator. It is true of physical pain, like my tender stomach. It is also true of emotional pain. No one wants to be in pain of either variety, so it causes us to take action with the hope of alleviating it or, preferably, getting rid of it altogether. But first, we have to recognize it.

Back in the day when I went to the gym we heard ‘no pain, no gain’. Sometimes we just accept pain as a necessary part of not only physical activity, but also loss, or even growth (remember growing pains?). When we know the source we can more accurately predict when it will come to an end on its own, or through proper management.

Did anybody see that truck?

In grief, pain hits like a Mack truck (as the saying goes) attended by confusion, brain fog and fatigue. At this stage we have only shock and pain; we don’t have the capacity to think about remedies. If we can think about it at all, our main thoughts are “What just happened” and “When will this end?”

The good news is that it will end. How long it will take is dependent on so many issues that are unique to our circumstances, our life experience, our resources and our access to a supportive community.

The Purpose of Pain

How is pain a blessing? I would say it is because it prompts us to take action that could save our life. It is the body’s way of letting our conscious mind know that something has upset our well-being. Something needs attention to get us back to health, either in mind or in body, or possibly both.

Pain is universal. While the source of pain is not always identified, or understood, until the source can be dealt with, the pain will continue.

Bodily pain cannot always be resolved even if it’s original cause is physical (impact, infection, inflammation). To complicate matters, emotional pain sets up a cascade of hormones that affect body tissues and organs. Acute events will be resolved by the body’s normal systems. If, however, the emotional source is not resolved, the chemical output continues, eventually wreaking havoc on living tissue, setting up chronic pain.

In Canada we have many organizations to address the issue of pain management. They focus primarily on chronic physical conditions. For example,

· Health Canada

· Pain Canada — a National Action Network

. The Canadian Pain Task Force — established in 2019 to advocate to the Canadian government for an improved approach for the prevention and management of chronic pain in Canada.

· The Canadian Pain Society

· Pain BC (other provinces as well)

Other organizations help us address the emotional pain that springs from loss. These are some:

· Canadian Grief Alliance

· The Compassionate Friends of Canada

· Grief Share

· Hospice

· Alzheimer’s Association

· Siblings Canada

· The Canadian Centre for Caregiving Excellence

For me, the search to understand the impact of my complicated grief was long and arduous. I sought counselling and education.

If I have any words of wisdom to share, they are:

· The earlier we address the emotions arising from devastating loss the better.

· We can interrupt the development of chronic conditions and restore our sense of personal agency in our world.

· We may have to go back to earlier losses, even from childhood, to resolve old hurts and unproductive messages that live within us still.

· It may not be a quick process, but there will be little wins along the way that add up to restoration and renewal.

· If you do the work sincerely, you will reap the rewards.

Many blessings. Be well.

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Cathy Carphin is a Certified Grief Educator, writer and poet, living in Victoria, BC, Canada. You can connect with her for individual discussions by visiting her website and contacting by email: cathy@letstalktogether.ca

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Grief is a weird thing. The more unfamiliar we are with it the weirder it is.

Consuming to fill a void.

Before my husband died, I had decided to do a bit of redecorating, nothing much, just replacing some outdated furniture. Then he died. I continued with my plans even though I was deep into early grief; brain fog and a huge amount of fatigue had settled in. But I was determined to go ahead. I now had the bonus of choosing what I liked without referring to anyone else.

What grief brought to the table was that I now found it monumentally challenging to sort through possessions, decide what I wanted to keep, recycle or discard. I enlisted the help of a professional organizer. By the time the new furniture arrived and I had pared down a lot of the small items that no longer had a purpose. Sounds good, right?

Problem is, I didn’t stop buying stuff. I didn’t go to the brick and mortar stores because of my fatigue. If I did go out at all, I had only enough energy to do one thing, then I had to get home to rest. On line shopping made it easy to get items that I wanted but didn’t have the physical or mental energy to source directly.

Great. I got my home looking the way I wanted it to be. I bought clothes and other goodies; things that supported my new life, and made me happy.

Then I decided to repurpose the spare room from a home office to a roommate space. Off I went again. My organizer and friends helped me with the next round of sorting and discarding. I went online to purchase the appropriate furniture to help a roommate be comfortable.

Seems sensible, right? It was… to a degree. It took a couple of years for me to realize that, partly, I was trying to fill the hole in my heart that appeared when my husband died. Two years in early grief had begun to mature into transitional grief and I now had more perspective on my life as a widow who had retired from the working world.

That is my story of consumerism brought on by grief.
Yours may be different.

Grief is about profound loss.

Traumatic life events threaten our sense of stability and agency in our own life. Our world is turned upside down. The first time we encounter a huge loss, our brain reels with trying to understand what has happened and what to do about it. Brain fog and fatigue are very common effects of the shock we experience. These effects can last for a few weeks, or a few years. It all depends on our past, the depth of trauma, our current resources and access to a supportive community.

In trauma we feel like a hole has been opened up in our heart, in our spirit. There is an emptiness that needs to be filled.

Retreat

One response to this enormous change is to retreat from the normal things of life. I often hear people say they do not want to live. They don’t actually have plans to end their life, or even really want to; they just cannot see any value in continuing to exist. The loss is too big; what they thought life was about suddenly is not their reality.

Retreat is staying in bed for most of the day, being unable to eat; not answering calls or engaging with friends and family, or even going back to work.

Distraction and Addiction

Some grievers go the other way. They distract themselves with entertainments, substance use, partying, travelling, anything not to be reminded of what happened. Addictions often have their root in these major life changing events.

In its simplest terms, addiction is the over-consumption of anything that eases emotional pain, even momentarily. These are things such as food, drink, drugs and physical activity that directly influence the brain’s production of dopamine, the ‘feel good’ hormone. Of course, addiction is more complex than this alone, but we are talking here within the specific parameters of grief-induced addiction.

In fact, any activity that causes a rush of dopamine production, repeated many times becomes a habit, possibly even an addiction. What is the difference between a habit and an addiction? Not sure; I think they are very similar. Habits are often considered to be supportive of a good quality of life whereas addictions cause harm to self, family dynamics, finances,
and/or health if left unchecked. For example, gambling and shopping may not readily spring to mind as addiction, but we know that when these activities divert financial resources meant to cover the basic needs of living, we are definitely in addiction territory.

Filling the Hole in the Heart and Soul

The healthiest way to fill the hole created by profound loss is to let the grief be expressed. Turn to someone, or several someones, who will come along side us, hear the story of loss and not judge our tears, our anger or any other emotions that need healthy expression. Healthy means allowing expression without causing harm to self or anyone else. Our supporters also need to be able to tell truth. If they can see that we are moving along the path to addiction, they do us a service to bring our attention to the risk they perceive us taking and help find resources to address the matter.

A poem……

HOLES

What if we wore a hole in our chest ... in our stomach?
Would others see?
Would they know of things lost?

Shards of pain rising from the chest out into empty air.
Mountains of anguish rising into nothingness;
Loss is fresh.

Gut-born howls, arms outstretched, eyes wide, looking to the sky!
Finally drained … they collapse… into holes ….. holes where the pain is held .... where the loss is stored .... silent suffering.

Memories horded, sifted through in quiet hours. Inside weeping .... nourishing holes.

Would they show .... these holes of personal pain, of loss, of treasured things, of people gone, of body betrayed?

If we could see,
who
would be whole?

Am I there yet? Am I healed?

I am working on it. My chosen path is to share my experience, lessons and training with other grievers and their supporters…..to wish them health and a good life.

________________________________________________________________

Cathy Carphin is a Certified Grief Educator, writer and poet, living in Victoria, BC, Canada. You can connect with her for individual discussions by visiting her website and contacting by email: cathy@letstalktogether.ca

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A (writer) widow’s struggle in grief.

My Muse and I…..

Some time ago I wrote a lament about searching for inspiration. I don’t know if it was writer’s block or something else, but I just couldn’t think of anything to write about. I took the tack of teasing my muse, suggesting that she had gone on vacation. Well, let’s face it, we all deserve a little time away from the every day requirements of life, so who could blame her? She finally came back and my writing continued.

Well, I think she has been taking another time out. Is she back today, or is this article an act of sheer determination on my part to meet a deadline without her inspiration?

Maybe my muse has been here all along, trying to get my attention. Or it could be that this ennui I have been living with for the last few weeks is a manifestation of grief.

The feelings generated during the grieving process have a way of ebbing and flowing. The more mature the grief is, the easier it is to live a ‘normal’ life. That’s not to say normal is what it used to be before the extraordinary event which caused the grief, but at least it could be a new routine built in the face of grief, or even in spite of it.

The impact of grief on daily living …..

Even so, ennui will still come up from time to time, as will all the old feelings we experienced during the early stages of our grief. And as new challenges pop up we can be thrown back into those intense feelings we thought we had resolved from other, earlier, events of the past.

For me, I have been stuck for weeks now. I am moving households. I have a ton of things to do to make that happen. No husband, no family, and I don’t want to recruit my friends to help with the downsizing, sorting, culling, arranging, lifting and toting, and all the many aspects of leaving one home to create a new, supportive environment.

“If it is to be, it is up to me” has been my mantra since my husband died. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. Building a new life on my own is one thing; moving households is a whole new dimension. Happy as I was to decide on this move, I didn’t anticipate that I would be thrown into this period of inaction.

My mind has been struggling with thoughts of planning, organising, sequencing and detailing all the parts of the moving process. I try to do at least one thing a day to move forward: deciding what furniture will fit into a smaller place, deciding what items I really want with me and what are optional; creating a floor plan; writing out a timeline of all the things that need to be done — mail forwarding, notifying utilities, getting estimates from moving companies, and on, and on. Then, wanting to be a good steward of the environment, deciding what goes to charities, what to recycle, what is destined for landfill; when and how that will be done.

My brain is fried. My equilibrium is askew. No wonder my muse feels distant. She is probably trying to help me with both parts of my life, but I am so off balance I cannot feel her promptings.

What is the remedy? …….

My ‘go to’ is to talk with a friend. I turned to my friend Debra to help me sort through my current angst. Dare I say that a problem shared is a problem halved? We talked about the benefits not only of talk therapy but of somatic therapy as well. I decided that with all this mental rumination I have probably been neglecting my physicality.

Grief lives within the body. These huge feelings need to be aired, vented, released. If not, the body holds onto them. They will manifest whether we are aware of them or not. How, varies from person to person and duration. For me, when I feel the stress of it all, I am uneasy from my belly to my throat — Vagus Nerve territory. These feelings demonstrate that my Vagus Nerve has been suppressed by the Sympathetic Nervous System in preparation to fight an unseen foe.

There are many ways to reset the nervous system so that the Vagus Nerve can do its proper job of ‘rest and digest’.

Here are 4……

· Breathing is the easiest, most accessible way: through the nose — normal breath in for 4 counts, hold briefly, contract the belly as you gently breathe out for 8 counts. Do this several times; careful not to hyperventilate. This signals the brain to slow down the Sympathetic Nervous System and activate the Vagus Nerve, generating calm. It may take some time to register the effects, but it does work.

· The simple act of smiling, engaging the cheeks and eyes, signals the brain in the same way. It may feel false for a while, but this simple act signals the brain that life is good and has the added benefit of causing others to smile back. That return smile helps us feel connected.

· Make sound — sing or hum, the lower the register the better. Notice the vibrations that resonate in the belly, chest and throat; this helps loosen any stuck feelings. And if you can move, walk or dance, then you also can dissipate energy that has been generated by the Sympathetic Nervous System.

· If you have muscle tension anywhere, try this. Find the tension. Scrunch that spot up more. Tighter. Then release and breathe out, letting your body sink into the chair, or wherever you are. Allow the earth to support you. Do it again if you need to, until you can feel that the tension has gone.

Grief is long lasting. ….

It doesn’t have to be devastating. When we know how grief behaves in our brain and body, we can live with it, live through it and make a new life in the face of it.

Cathy Carphin is a Certified Grief Educator, writer and poet, living in Victoria, BC, Canada. She leads healing conversations on grief. Learn more by visiting her website and contacting by email: cathy@letstalktogether.ca.

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Cathy Carphin

Jun 22, 2024

Normally I write about grief, the process of grieving and all its nuances.

This article is written in respect of the resilience of First Nations peoples and is a testament to how all people can and do overcome the challenges of life.

We must grieve what has been lost and allow grief its time to start the healing process. Eventually we can turn the pain of that loss into purpose to restore life and build a better future. When we come together as a community around a cause amazing things happen.

I think most of us are aware of the history of Europeans taking over land and establishing its authority in the Americas. The history that modern generations learned was written by the dominant culture. We were told about battles for land, treaties, and carving out places for the local Indigenous population to live. And we were told that the dominant government provided funds to the local tribes based on the terms of the treaties.

What we weren’t told about was the ambition to wipe out Indigenous language and culture and the mechanisms put in place to achieve that goal. Ostensibly the idea was to absorb the Indigenous population into the dominant culture. The outcome often was poverty and substance abuse along with all the individual and cultural challenges that ensue.

But the resilience of human nature is that many Indigenous people learned to use the systems of the dominant culture to build their traditional communities back up, in abundance of resources and restoring cultural pride. Before the generation of elders who could still speak their native tongue died, young people began to learn the language, stories and history of their own people, in their own words.

A new era of pride has begun, learning from the past and looking forward to a bright, self-actualized future.

In British Columbia alone there are over 1,100 Indigenous, First Nations and Métis organizations and services for:

• Culture and Languages
• Business and Economic Development
• Child and Family Services
• Communications
• Education
• Employment
• Friendship Centres
• Health and Healing
• Housing
• Legal
• Women and Youth
• First Nations and Métis communities and councils

You can download the Guide here.

Each Province has its own local organisations.
Universities now have First Nations departments.

Nationally, The Assembly of First Nations (AFN) provides an advocacy role that works to advance the collective aspirations of First Nations individuals and communities on national and international matters.

In my observation there is still a huge challenge of earning trust on all sides, for individuals, organisations and governments. I expect it will be a long, slow process and will only work if both sides follow through on commitments.

The Government of Canada has declared June National Indigenous History month and June 21 as National Indigenous People’s Day. This not only gives official recognition to the history of the interactions between First Nations and European settlers, but also invites Indigenous and non-Indigenous citizens alike to learn about and acknowledge the full scope of the journey from first encounters to the present day.

___________________________________________________________

Cathy Carphin is a Certified Grief Educator, writer and poet, living in Victoria, BC, Canada. She leads healing conversations on grief. Learn more by visiting her website and contacting by email: cathy@letstalktogether.ca

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“The weaving of Coast Salish blankets is a sophisticated art form that has evolved over centuries. Objects of great significance to the Coast Salish peoples of southwestern British Columbia, these beautiful blankets are a symbol of purification, endowed with spiritual powers and play an important role in Salish ceremonial exchanges and provide economic benefits to their communities.” Canadian Museum of History

Many Examples of Blanketing

Here on South Vancouver Island I have witnessed blankets being used in many ways. For example, when elders open or close a meeting they offer their address and prayer draped in a traditional blanket. This not only identifies the elder’s position in the community but clothes them in the spiritual support of their ancestors.

I attended a workshop where blankets were used to identify tribal land. The workshop was a metaphor for lived experience of the advent and impact of colonialism on the indigenous community.

Blankets are worn by some dancers and drummers as traditional dress in ceremonies, PowWows and potlaches. They are used to welcome a new member to the community and to acknowledge and honour contributions.

Blankets are given as gifts. I have received several over the years. The most precious blanket I have was given to me for protection and emotional support when my Indigenous friends learned that my husband had died. They were concerned that I might not want it because I had posted a general request that, in lieu of flowers or cards, friends donate to one of the several societies that had supported my husband in his years of illness. While wanting to respect my request, my friends also wanted to show care and protection. Of course, I was honoured to receive it.

Recently, I attended another day of events given to honour several elders. People were buzzing about, ensuring that there was plenty of food and water available for attendees, and they were setting up for lunch. In the bustle, one young lady dropped a box of dishes, many of which broke.

Very shortly afterwards a senior member of the community stood up, acknowledged the accident that had occurred and asked for the young lady to stand beside him. He requested that a blanket be brought to him. As the blanket was put around the young lady, the elder explained that this was part of affirming her place in the community, of surrounding her with care and inclusion, and helping her restore her dignity. Shame has no place in community. He then turned his attention to healing, speaking to the young woman in their language.

It was very moving. I wondered why this isn’t a common practice, everywhere.

Everyone needs a blanket.

How often do we make mistakes in this world? I can remember many, many times that I have erred. And I remember being ridiculed, laughed at, and even shunned for doing so. I would dearly have loved a blanket of protection and care in those moments.

How much healthier this world would be if it were common practice to help each other maintain our equilibrium and our sense of place in community.

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June is National Indigenous History Month in Canada. Visit the website.

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Cathy Carphin is a Certified Grief Educator, writer and poet, living in Victoria, BC, Canada. She leads healing conversations on grief. Learn more by visiting her website and contacting by email: cathy@letstalktogether.ca

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INTRODUCTION

This article was posted on Facebook in March 2024. It is reproduced here by the kind permission of Drum Circle Harmony.

I wanted to share it with you because it is a beautiful tale about the grief journey from the deep sadness of the loss of someone we love, through our journey of self discovery to healing and a renewed life.

THE LEGEND

Many, many years ago when the Earth was still quite new, there was a beautiful butterfly who lost her mate in battle. To show her grief, she took off her beautiful wings and wrapped herself in a drab cocoon. In her sadness, she could not eat and she could not sleep and her relatives kept coming to her lodge to see if she was okay.

Of course she wasn’t, but she didn’t want to be a burden on her people so she packed up her wings and her medicine bundle and took off on a long journey. She wandered about for many days and months, until finally she had gone all around the world.

On her journey she kept her eyes downcast and stepped on each stone she came to as she crossed fields and creeks and streams. Finally, one day as she was looking down, she happened to notice the stone beneath her feet, and it was so beautiful that it healed her sorrow.

She then cast aside her cocoon, shook the dust from her wings, and donned them once more. She was so happy she began to dance to give thanks for another chance to begin her life anew. Then she went home and told The People about her long journey and how it had healed her.

To this day, The People dance this dance as an expression of renewal, and to give thanks for new seasons, new life, and new beginnings.

The shawl in the Fancy Shawl Dance represents the butterfly’s wings, the fancy steps and twirls represent the butterfly’s style of flight. This is another reason you will sometimes hear the Fancy Shawl Competition Dance referred to as “ the butterfly dance.”

I have been to several Indigenous events where this dance, among others, was performed. Young and old, The People gather and participate in dance or drumming competitions and in processions. To me, they are all inspiring. I invite you to attend a PowWow or other event where the public is invited.

Thank you for reading Let’s Talk Together. This post is public so feel free to share it.

June is National Indigenous History Month in Canada. Visit the website.

Cathy Carphin is a Certified Grief Educator, writer and poet, living in Victoria, BC, Canada. She leads healing conversations on grief. Learn more by visiting her website and contacting by email: cathy@letstalktogether.ca

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Wow! Life is hard enough just as it comes. Never mind second guessing whether our response to life’s events were the right ones.

Truth is when we are hit by a tragic loss, we reel under the shock. When the dust settles, we start to question whether or not our actions at the time would have changed the outcome.

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If the names and situations described here bear a resemblance to actual people it is purely coincidental. The stories, however, are entirely real for someone, somewhere.

Joan’s husband went away for a few days to visit family in another city. On this rare occasion when she did not go with him, he died. For a long time, Joan second guessed her decision to stay home. If only she had been with him to be sure he took his medication, she thought, or to be sure he had company on his morning walk, or a hundred other scenarios she could imagine, he would still be alive.

Tom’s grief over his son’s death by suicide is compounded by feelings of regret that he told his son to move out. John’s behaviour had been so disruptive to the family over the last few months that, at the time, Tom thought it best for John to leave. Tom tried to keep in touch, but life at home was a bit more settled without John’s moods. Tom is sorry to have acted out of frustration and wonders that, if he had made other choices, John would still be alive.

When Megan’s daughter was in hospital, in a coma after a critical car crash. Megan visited her every day. All she could do was sit with Angela and watch her ‘sleep’. She didn’t know if Angela could hear her. Megan’s pain was so deep that words wouldn’t come anyway. All she could do was hold a hand. Thoughts whirled endlessly in her head …. Why couldn’t I tell Angela that I love her and encourage her to fight to come back to us? Why couldn’t I even read to her? Why didn’t I phone her before she went out that day?

Albert’s wife died seven years ago. He wonders why he still misses her. Shouldn’t he be over the pain by now? He doesn’t expect any longer to see her when he comes home, but the house still feels so empty without her there. Shouldn’t he be interested in finding a new bride? Could he have helped their children with their grief too?

These are such normal responses in the aftermath of loss. We like to think that somehow we could have controlled the circumstances better, if only we had been more informed at the time.

The loss is real; the pain is real. The ‘should’a, could’a, would’a’ thinking won’t change anything. Even if we could go back and change events, death may well have happened anyway.

We did the best we could at the time, with the information we had. We will never forget the person who is no longer with us. The shock, pain and second guessing will ease over time.

And, by the way, this applies not only to losing someone we love, but to other major life altering events we didn’t anticipate or desire. Could we have prevented job loss, financial setback, romantic breakup, physical injury, and on it goes.

Life is unpredictable. There is so much that happens beyond our control; the only control we really have is our own perspective and response.

The best we can do now is forgive. Forgive the person who left us, rejected us or otherwise hurt us. Forgive anyone else involved in those events.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning, agreeing, or welcoming what has happened. It means releasing ourself from the pain, resentment, anger, bitterness, that are natural responses to what has happened, and opening ourself up to healing. And, mostly, forgive ourself for any actions or thoughts that we judge to be less than helpful, whether they are real or imagined.

Love is the answer to should’a, could’a, would’a.

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I invite you to comment on what you read here, ask questions and engage in discussion in Comments section. Please also feel free to join a discussion group with me or meet one to one. Send me an email grieftalk1to1@gmail.com.

Cathy Carphin is a Certified Grief Educator, writer and poet, living in Victoria, BC, Canada. She leads healing conversations on grief. More articles by Cathy can be found by scrolling this page and by searching her name online.

Discover your path to healing with professional guidance and a supportive community.

You can encourage this writer and help keep this page going by subscribing, sharing and donating.

Let’s Talk Together is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.