didn’t believe
I would come to this point so soon
where the memory of your
eyes looking right into my soul
lips fitting way to perfectly on mine
mind discovering places no ones ever been
hands making every part of me burn like fire
would wash away like the tide
leaving me blank and vulnerable
forever wishing another wave would come
to remind me of how good we felt
how much the ever changing sea
desires to return to the land
because you come and go in waves
the only thing I can do, is burn.

I used to have a huge, underlying, at times all-consuming fear.

I have a huge, underlying, at times all-consuming fear.

Sometimes it catches me and, for a while, completely throws me off the books.

Having anxiety mostly means having very random, unexplainable fears. It’s hard to describe, really. Many tend to describe it as a fear of the future. Often, this is combined with an incredible fear of being alone. This fear can get so big, like a wall in font of you. It wholly consumes the present moment.

The fear is like a monster.

A monster eating away moments of your life, making you freeze like a block of ice, creeping up from somewhere inside of your mind and, well, completely taking over.
Sometimes the monster scares you so much that it makes you forget how to breathe, how to function properly.
You feel completely alone, trapped in your own body. Cut off from everyone around you. Like you are screaming and no one can hear you.

It feels like you are chasing the monster, chasing your brain. You are trying to catch it, put everything back into place, but it’s faster than you. It’s always a step ahead. It senses your imbalances, when you’re weak. And then it hits.

Although so many people struggle with anxiety issues nowadays, many can not express what exactly they are feeling. And, in a world like this, it’s very difficult to show vulnerability.

So, you feel alone. You feel like you’re the only one suffocating. The only person that is scared of things that haven’t happened yet, things you have no control over at all.

Control is a key term when trying to explain anxiety to people who have never experienced it. The issue, really, is control. We are control freaks. We love being in control.
We are the leader of every group. We are the ones who want to do everything on our own. We can never just do the bare minimum, we have to do it all. We need to know everything, be everywhere, we are like checkpoints that nothing can go through, uncontrolled.

And what is the only thing we really cannot control? The future, of course.

Anxiety is actually pretty simple, hey? Well, at least it makes a lot of sense.
So what do we do to not feel alone with our fear? To not think about the future so we don’t get scared at all? We distract ourselves in the present. We jam pack our calendars until every date has been scribbled on multiple times. We meet 4 different people at different times in one day, never all together at the same time, because what would we do with the rest of the day? We love to learn. We love to work. We love to socialize.

And we are fun! We are kind, we are loving, we are generous and caring.
Of course we are. We have to be, otherwise that many people wouldn’t want to be around us, right?

Often we compensate the fact that we can not treat ourselves as we deserve with caring very much for others. Dealing with other peoples problems, giving advice. Solving tiny little crises day by day, think about the fate of strangers we saw somewhere on the street for days.

Because it distracts us from ourselves.

So, what happens when it’s the end of the day, or the end of the week, and suddenly we are alone?
I have had many of these moments. I like to visualise it, describe it as a wave crashing over me. I start doubting everything. The monster starts whispering in my ear, and everything else around me becomes quiet. It tells me that I am alone. That I am alone because no one cares for me, because I am not worth it. And what is my plan, anyway? Why don’t I have a plan? It’s like the monster is dissatisfied with me, feels the need to take over. To put me on the right path towards...something. A great career, a “normal” life, perhaps.

The monster confronts me with the biggest of all fears: will I be alone tomorrow too?

And from there it goes on:
Why is my calendar looking empty in three weeks? Where will I live next year? Do I really want to have kids? What if no one will want to have kids with me because I am so fucking complicated and also my toes are really weird?

What do I do now? Everything on my to do list has been ticked off.
- Yes, anxious people love to write lists. Lists are the best.

For a few seconds, or a few minutes, or a few hours, or, if you’re unlucky, even a few days, weeks, months the wave drowns you in your fears.

Sometimes the wave will let you dive up, take a deep breath, glimpse at the light, then it sucks you back into the darkness.

Yes, anxiety is dark. It takes you to the darkest places within your soul. Places that many others will never get to see within themselves. Places that, fortunately, only you can really see. I believe in some ways anxious people know their souls, their deep consciousness much better than others.

Most people try to run away from the wave, try to run after themselves. Day by day, all the time. It’s an all consuming task.

But let me tell you: running doesn’t get you anywhere. You will never escape, you will never arrive if you run. The only thing that will get you out is standing still, and facing yourself. Facing the wave. Drowning and drifting up again. Waiting for yourself to come back to you. Staring the monster down.

There are always ways to come back to the light. To float on the water, sun in your face, rather than drown in it over and over again.
It takes practice, but I promise you, it will change everything.

It takes a whole lot of what you normally give away to others: love, compassion, patience with yourself. But it’s always possible.

It’s hard to say what exactly will make a permanent change for you. Not just a few moments in the sun, but a lifetime in the sun.

For me it was finding my spiritual path, starting to write down everything I feel and talking. Talking about everything. Saying all my thoughts out loud, no matter how painful they are. Letting the monster out, sharing it with the world, so it can’t consume me from the inside anymore.

Telling the people I love about the monster made it become smaller and smaller.

There are two things you will have to learn before you really can say you have the monster under control. Before you are safe and peacefully watching the waves crash before you.

These two things are to love and to trust. Not anyone else, you do that enough, but yourself.

The path towards you will be one of the hardest you will ever have to take. But in order to escape the darkness, to beat the fear of what you can’t control, you have to trust yourself to make the right decisions in the future. You have to learn how to trust that everything will happen as it should.
You have to learn how to really, truly love yourself. The feeling of loving yourself is incomparable to any feeling any other human could ever give you.

Love is the essence of everything. It should be where every single one of your actions come from. You have to learn how to love and appreciate every single decision you make.

You have to love yourself so much, you know that nothing you could ever do would shake this love.

Only then will you be able to let go of your desire to control the future. Because you have learned how to trust that you will make the right decisions for yourself. That the universe has a plan for you. And that it’s completely fine to leave some things up to fate.

My monster still turns up every once in a while. Which is okay. It reminds me of what lays before me. My true journey, the only one that really matters.

The journey towards my true self.

My anxiety has given me many things. Growing up quickly, independently. Incredible social skills. Deep feelings for all kinds of beings. An open mind. Compassion, kindness, love. My anxiety has made it difficult for me to love and accept myself the way I am. But it has also made it possible.
I guess many of the things my anxiety gave me have helped me save myself.
It was my anxiety that forced me to learn how to live in the moment. How to let the future come however it wants to come. This trust came slowly, through intuition, through self-love, through trusting and loving my future self.

I started realising that my future self is not a stranger.

I had always been so scared of her, but I don’t need to be. I don’t need to be afraid that my future self will fuck something up and that’s why I hectically have to make all decisions now. Because she is me. And she always will be me.

My anxiety is now my friend. My friendly reminder. Everyday it shows me how far I’ve come.
Truth is, I really don’t know if it will ever fully disappear. But it doesn’t need to. If I welcome it with love and warmth, it will reflect exactly that back on me. Because my anxiety is me.

My anxiety has made me feel completely alone many, many times. I am starting to realise, however, that through this voice in my head, the monster inside of me, I have never actually been truly alone before.

So, I guess the next step after letting go, releasing my fears and allowing the monster to retire, is exploring what it feels like to be alone with my thoughts. Alone in my body. How exciting.

a man without a heart

a woman who always loved to much

what a deadly combination

oh, she should have known

could she make him feel this love

she never knew

everything they did wrong

and so they fell apart

he did not run away

he just did not have anything to stay for

she had only stayed

because she could not run away

so they left

to discover themselves in solitude

a man

claiming to not have a heart

a woman

learning to love herself first

so far apart

like in a different world

forever imperfect

better without one another

but this kind of love

has always broken all boundaries.

I wrote you a letter.

When you left, I wrote pages and pages in the middle of the night.

Crying and laughing at the same time.

I sealed it, wrote your name on it and carried it around with me everywhere until I realised that you were really gone.

When I stopped looking for you while getting coffee in the morning, I took it and put it in a drawer. What felt like seconds later, I made a decision.

I packed my bags and left.

I left with the intention to become the person you always saw in me.
I left with the intention to become the person you wanted me to be.

The person that doesn’t need you.
That maybe doesn’t even want you because all she wants is herself.

And I’m doing really well. I’m getting there.
Well, most parts.
A part of me never really left.

Wherever I am on this planet, I’ll awlays be here.

Because I feel you.
I feel your energy still.

I still love every single person I have ever loved. I have not a single doubt that that could ever be any different with the human I maybe loved most deeply.

I now know that I wrote this letter for me. It allowed me to move on.

There are no finish lines. It wasn’t a goodbye. It was only another love letter. Not one just for you, but for me too.

And its still there in the drawer, waiting for us.
Because we’re not waiting for each other.

And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I explored the dark corners of my mind. I spent days in solitude. I know what it feels like to feel completely alone, misunderstood. I pushed thoughts, memories, humans away, only for them to come back at me like a wave when I was finally ready. I treated my body with dissatisfaction, completely looking past the beauty of all its imperfections. I mistrusted my intuition, unaware of it being the only guidance I can fully trust in. I spent years using all my energy trying to breathe, to get back to the surface, while I constantly felt like I was drowning.

I don`t know when exactly everything changed.

I`m not floating on the surface, I`m flying above the sea. Watching the calm, constant rhythm of the waves and the warming sun glistening on the water.

My soul is a beam of light, so bright that it has the ability to pull other humans out of the darkness.

My eyes see colors that only exists in my mind, while my thoughts flow endlessly.

My intuiton is my guardian angel, deeper and more connected than anything I`ve ever felt.

My past is a book, pages over pages written too hastily, bur still somehow readable.

The dark corners of my mind are easily resting, forever there but too far away to get a grasp of me.

My body is a river, indefinitely flowing and always in motion. Deep and shallow, curvy and straight, narrow and wide.

Solitude is my saviour

Intuitiuon is my guidance

Connection is my key

Love is my purpose.

Finally, I feel loved with every breath I take.

my thoughts are never clear

always messy

flowing in and out of me

like water into a cave.

the cave sparkles

with the most beautiful crystals

the water washes them clear

— we are the water.

we are likes waves

unpredictable

but we take it as it comes

one day calm, warm, beautiful

the next an explosion

cold

making us drown

in the cave, in each other.

the cave is not endless

but the water is.

— we are the water.

flowing in and out of each other

constantly changing

better without each other

but always longing

for our love.

to meet again

just for a second

to experience this wave

rushing over me

a familar feeling

my body in shock

of the cold

of the force of the waves

I would happily drown

every day

over and over again.

Who are you, when no one is looking?

I am lost in my own little world, creating a thousand parallel realities in my head, being conscious of every single moment.

I am constantly changing, forever wondering who I was a week ago.

I am unconscious of time, having breakfast at 7 in the evening and running late to everything.

I am alone, knowing I have the ability to choose every single soul I surround myself with.

I am an empty fridge, an unopened bottle of golden nail polish that I`ve been wanting to apply for weeks, a thousand different beuaty products that I never use.

I am too many gold rings, messy hair, the smell of incense.

I am going out for drinks on Wednesday`s and still getting up early the next morning because I`m craving the sea.

I am walking home at night and smiling at strangers.

I am at home. Wherever I go, because home is a feeling.

I am the person that loves to tell others how much I love them, how much I feel loved.

I am choosing life over everything.

I am sharing everything, all my thoughts, written hastily in between sips of coffee, in the metro, while taking a walk.

Because when no one is looking, I am me.

Who are you, when no one is looking?

life gets so busy, and memories are so easy to get lost

but then, sometimes, this littlw spark comes back inside you

hidden under layers of stress, fear, denial

reminding you of

dancing on the beach at sunset

hikes to hidden lookouts in the morning

heading to a party, stereo on full

falling asleep to the sound of the waves

watermelon on the balcony, watching the surfers

the lit up skyline of the city at night

running along the coast, waves on one side, bay on the other

falling asleep on the bus, listening to Sticky Fingers

sand and salt, everywhere

the sun on your face.

it makes you feel like you`re suffocating

it makes you question what you have right now

it makes you feel like you were living a dream

but it also makes you incredibly happy.

it`s better to have loved abnd lost than to never have loved at all.

maybe home is not a place

maybe home is just the way you feel

“Some people are old at 18 and some people are young at 90… time is a concept that humans created.” - Yoko Ono.

The concept of time and physical age being related to each other has always been strange to me. I grew up being best friends with a woman who was over 60 years older than me. I never ask people how old they are, because nothing matters less to me. I have just never been able to define someone over this number, so at some point I simply stopped even pretending to care.

I don`t believe in age of the body, I only believe in age of the soul. And I think that every beings soul ages in a different way and at a different pace. I, for instance, always felt more mature than many humans around me. The way I spoke and acted would confuse people all the time. My whole life I was confronted with shocked faces when people found out about my physical age. Still to this day I often feel very negative emotions coming towards me from people simply because they cannot associate a number, that they tend to connect with a certain mindset or stage of life, with the person I am. But I have learned to accept it and learn from every single one of these situations. I find it interesting, actually. The way I can intimidate people solely because they don`t understand that time is just a concept. It`s possible to spend only a few years on this planet and see, experience, feel more than another person who has had twice as much time just because one is fortunate, or ones mind is open.

Instead of listening to our intuition and believing in connection, we often simply go by the rules and concepts that society has created for us. The way many humans live their lives makes them forgot that it`s all just an illusion.

Letting go of the belief that your physical age determines at what point of your life you should be, how you should behave, how much you should know and what you should be doing holds a place of endless opportunities. It can make you look forward to ageing, it can take your fear of death and it can give you so much more freedom. Letting go of time, while learning that the only rules and limits are the ones you set yourself taught me to live in the moment. Everything is connected, look beyond the surface and start really discovering the beings you share this life with. It may not be the only one you get, but it`s all you have right now.

Your intuition is your gut feeling.

It’s you taking over once you’ve freed yourself from pressure, societal constructions, the expectations that you think lay upon you and the anxiety that you believe will always win.

Your intuition is what will save you, what will show you the way, if your mind is open to listen.

If you act by your intuition, you will never regret a decision you make, because it will never be wrong.

Once you learn how to follow it, it will be the most natural thing you’ve ever felt.

For me, following my intuition changed everything.

I started leading the way for myself, I overcame my indicisiveness, I stopped doubting myself.

No one leads the way for me in life, because I’ve learned how to find my way on my own. How to trust that’s it’s the right one, how to take full control over my life, knowing that I don’t rely on anybody to live parts of my life for me.

My intuition looks past age, physical appearance, gender or societal circumstances.

My intuition knows what will make me happy, and since I’ve began to, without a doubt, always listen and act upon it, I haven’t been unhappy in one single moment.

The person I am consists so much more of my mind, soul, intuition than of my hair color, clothing size or facial features.

I act intuitively, move intuitively, eat intuitively. If everything I do happens out of intuition, how could I ever think it’s wrong?

How could I force myself to act upon something, although my intuition tells me not to?

Learning to listen to yourself is more important than any other lection you will ever learn.

And you know what’s the most beautiful thing about this?

You are your intuition.