Friends and clients alike often ask me how to build self-confidence and move past the self-doubt and imposter syndrome many of us feel plagued by. Here is a simple answer: the cure for self-doubt is not self-confidence. It is compassion.

The Trap of Self-Confidence

Self-doubt is quite a familiar place for me. When I first became aware of this tendency, like most of us, I stumbled upon various therapeutic, coaching and spiritual aids to “build self-confidence”. I don’t know how that worked out for you, but it really didn’t work out for me.

The trouble is that when we work on our self-confidence, we replace one belief about who we are (a negative and unhelpful one) with another BELIEF (a more positive and constructive one). The key word here is, of course, “belief”.

By definition, beliefs are not facts, neither are they an embodied truth. Because of that, wherever there is a belief (let it be positive or negative), there is also space for doubt, second-guessing, comparison, self-deflation, self-inflation and so on…

But that’s not the only obstacle. Here is the bigger one: the deep-rooted beliefs we hold about ourselves are not easy to let go of or “just replace” by shinier ones, because they are consistent with our internal image of who we think we are. In other words, those of us who struggle with imposter syndrome believe on some level that we are our deflated separate identity or ego.

This dynamic becomes obvious when the self-doubt persists despite many examples of the opposite. For instance, we may have objectively had many “proofs” in life that we are competent or loved, good enough, successful by societal standards, you name it… And yet, there is a part of us that struggles to enjoy the success, receive the love that is expressed or feel “enough”. This part stubbornly continues to whirl in the old “not good enough” swamp. We either identify with it fully and continue to self-sabotage, or we rebel against it and try to prove the opposite. In both cases, there is an inner struggle and an old belief that has gone unexamined — that we might indeed be “not good enough”.

Now here is the surprising bit…

The part of us that feels “not good enough” is intelligent

In my personal experience, becoming curious about this part was the beginning of transformation. Ironically, it started with giving up all my efforts to fix it, meditate it away, get rid of it, overcome it or push through it. None of it truly worked. And what a blessing!

When all my attempts to fix myself and become more confident failed, I could finally inquire into it with a beginner’s mind. I first discovered that this part of me felt very young — it had the temperament, stubbornness and shyness of a child and was somehow arrested in an earlier stage of development. To try to reason with it and talk to it in a judgmental and directive way was just as helpful as it would be if I tried to reason with a 4 year old having a taper tantrum. More surprisingly, I discovered that this self-doubting part of me was intelligent and not to be fixed or suppressed.

Indeed, the seemingly unhelpful and debilitating beliefs we hold about ourselves are not random, however absurd they may sound to others or to our rational grown up mind. They have played an important role in our survival as a young nervous system and typically protect a deep wound. In other words, they’ve played a benevolent and loving role. To ignore these beliefs, dismiss them or simply plaster them with some other more positive beliefs is to ignore the lessons they hold for us. As we finally learn these lessons, there is a possibility to heal & expand into a freer, more fulfilled and open version of ourselves.

The Cure for Self-Doubt is not Self-Confidence. It is compassion.

So what’s the secret — how to move past self-doubt? The simple answer is…don’t “move past”. Instead, let your attention turn TOWARD it with utter curiosity. In other words, follow the pain of “feeling not good enough” in the body. It will lead you to parts of your psyche that you may have overlooked. It will uncover cognitive mistakes that you made about your nature at a young age. It will help you discover first hand what is actually true for you, beyond your beliefs about yourself or the reassurance of others. No belief would do here.

Here is a simple inquiry that you can do on a sheet of paper or as a meditation.

1. Connect with your body and your breath, feel your feet on the floor and your bum on the chair. Invite a sense of grounding and feel the support of the earth or chair underneath you.
2. Instead of pushing the negative beliefs away or quickly switching to “I’ve got this”, try the opposite — invite the pain to be fully experienced without judgment or agenda. In other words, for a moment, put down all your mental attempts to convince yourself that you are indeed “good enough” and allow the fear of being “not good enough at all” to arise. It is already alive in you, so why deny its presence?
3. Take a moment to examine it directly and experientially. What if what you fear is true — you are indeed “inadequate”, “a failure”, “a fraud” (or whatever words come for you)?
4. Notice whether it has a physical location in the body. How would you describe it to someone who has never felt like this before? Does it have a colour, a weight or any other characteristics? Allow it to be for a moment, dare not to fix it or soothe it. Be as you are. You may discover that this small surrender is already a relief.
5. If it feels good, you can go deeper. How old is this feeling in your body? When do you remember feeling this way for the first time? What was happening in your circumstances?
6. What else do you see from the perspective of a grown-up that could explain what happened (other than this younger self not being “good enough”)? This is the cognitive mistake I mentioned above.
7. What did this younger self need back then that she didn’t receive? What have you been giving her all this time? Are you willing to support her with what’s actually needed?

That’s all. It is a radical, but honest and loving self-investigation. Mysteriously, as we turn towards rather than away from these old wounds, we find deep compassion for the tender parts of ourselves that never grew up. We also find love and gratitude for the mechanisms that protected us. We see first hand that the very impostor syndrome we were fighting against is actually made of love. It falls naturally when it is no longer needed to protect the old wounds that lie underneath it.

In this sense, the cure for self-doubt is not self-confidence. It is your natural wisdom and compassion that arise from seeing yourself more accurately and clearly than you did as a child.

How reconnecting with Nature and its cycles can support you

We all know intellectually that we are part of Nature, made of the same elements and following the same laws of birth, life and death. Yet as human animals, we have a unique and beautiful tool called mind, which helps us attempt to dissociate experientially from this simple truth. I say “attempt to”, because this dissociation doesn’t fully work and that’s a blessing.

Our life does come to an end and for me, this mortality is the greatest teacher. When I manage to dissociate from this simple fact and avoid the fear of death, I live on autopilot — as if my life and the lives of those I love are going to last forever. They won’t. This impermanence of things teaches me to be present in this moment, to stop postponing things to an imaginary future, to live this life fully as if this is my last day here. It might be. How would I spend this last day? Would I dwell in regret or ponder a 3-year plan? Probably not.

In much the same vein, since we are made of Nature, our life follows four long stages - the four seasons. It starts with our early months and years in the womb of Winter, completely helpless and dependent, through the spring and individuation of our youth, the expansion, growth and maturity of summer, the harvest and decay of autumn and back to death and silence of winter.

Needless to say, these stages occur at different times for each of us. Yet in our Western societies, this natural connection is largely severed and replaced by an artificially imposed school, working and retirement age.

We all have felt to some degree the pain of our bodies and psyches not matching the societal life calendar: the child that was too young for school, the adolescent that still felt like a child, the young man or woman who felt pressed by societal expectations of family, career and children, the mature person who felt exhausted and ready to rest earlier than required…

This same disconnection between our cyclical bodies and minds happens every year. As facets of Nature, our emotional & physical bodies feel (consciously or not) the pull of the seasons, yet our minds are in service of yearly goals, corporate calendar, short-term and long-term business and personal plans.

Though we may not be aware of this disconnect, we feel its effects as being out of balance — exhausted, anxious, moody or confused. And what a blessing! These very feelings can be a dharma bell to look within and re-establish the lost connection. In other words, return to balance.

This series of short essays is an invitation to use the wheel of the seasons in the outer world as a wisdom mirror to see, understand more deeply and tend to what is happening in our inner world. In truth, there is no “inner” and “outer” — these are mere distinctions of the mind. Letting go of these artificial distinctions is the beginning of health and natural wisdom.

The Wisdom of December

Without further ado, let’s begin where we are. The theme that I like to use every year for our December yoga & mindfulness immersions is called Healing Darkness. Not that there is any darkness to heal, but that the darkness itself is healing. As the days become shorter, December is an invitation to retreat from the world of lights, objects, intentions and into the womb of the night of winter.

For many of us, this time of the year may feel challenging. It is somewhat in-built in our bodies — after all, a few generations ago, our ancestors didn’t really know whether they would survive the harsh winter conditions. Naturally, the darkness and cold outside can stir discomfort and difficult feelings within us. It is equally natural to seek a return to comfort, warmth and ease.

And if this is what you feel is needed for you, I encourage you to look after yourself wholeheartedly. At the societal level, this urge to comfort ourselves in the darkness is very much reflected in our Christmas decoration, lighting and shopping. But if you feel called & curious, you can go one step deeper. You can stop distracting yourself, leave all comfort and turn your gaze towards the darkness itself.

December is an invitation back into the original dark womb, where we can meet ourselves fully — naked, stripped of definitions, unembellished, unfixed, imperfect, struggling, scared, hurting, broken. It’s a possibility to shine the light of our attention where it is needed and move towards these places rather than away from them. Instead of ignoring them, we can allow them to be and simply ask them “What do you need? How can I support you?”.

I’ve learnt and keep learning through my practice as a therapist and human being that the more we ignore these corners of our psyche, the more they command our lives in many unconscious ways. They show their hydro-like head when we expect them the least in cycles of repeated suffering.

To pay attention is all that is needed. And this attention IS love — it is the ultimate act of courage, self-care and self-compassion. As we tend to ourselves in this loving way, without judgement, agenda or expectations, we break the cycle of self-abandonment and return home to our wholeness. Then there is no “inner” and “outer” and no division within ourselves.

From that womb of wholeness, we can be reborn into the light of Christmas or the Winter Solstice — fresh, immaculate, whole as we’ve always been. May we be whole, free and happy. May all beings be at peace. Happy December to you.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a place. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.”

— Rumi

A few days ago, we honoured Spring Equinox — a time of balance of darkness and light. I see it as a powerful reminder of our capacity to hold polar opposites. More importantly, I see it as an invitation to go beyond them.

Our minds consume information in this way — they are wired to notice differences, change, boundaries, separation. There is nothing wrong with that — it is useful to know whether it is day or night outside. However, seeing the world as “black & white”, holding tightly onto our opinions of what is right and what is wrong, good and bad, beautiful and ugly can be a form of resistance in our minds to feel the (usually uncomfortable) emotions hidden underneath that. As we militantly support one side or the other, our vital energy is depleted and the seemingly benign polarities become a source of suffering.

A few days ago, one of my clients asked me a beautiful and difficult question how to move beyond “Kind vs Cruel”? Kind vs Cruel seems so difficult to soften into. Some events are so clearly cruel that it seems we can’t ignore them, we can’t drop this battle. Can you relate? I sure can.

But it is not about ignoring anything, it is not about not acting and it is not about getting rid of the polarity either. It is about getting past our ideas, allowing our minds to open and inquiring more deeply.

If our mind is open rather than engaged in this battle, we can ask what we mean by “cruel”, as this is where the tension is. My inner definition of “cruel” had to do with doing harm to another in an insensitive way. It may be something different for you — the meaning of words is not fixed and objective. They are charged with our conditioning, our emotions and inherited ideas.

Then, if we believe that the polarity is “our there” in the world, we can examine this idea too. Does “cruel” exist within me? Very much so. If I followed my own definition of “cruel”, I could see that on purpose or not, I’m often cruel — it’s not just “out there”. I can be cruel with words or lack of words, cruel with actions or lack of actions. I also discovered that outward cruelty is not even close to how cruel I can be to myself. At this point, there is already a sense of “sobering up”, of loosening of the notions of good and bad, victim and perpetrator. There is a recognition that what I believed may or may not be the final truth.

Once we have access to the “cruel” within us, we can explore directly the energy that fuels it. In this particular inquiry, we discovered that it was usually propelled by feelings of righteousness and anger. Then there is a possibility to open to feel this anger without expressing or suppressing it — as pure energy. When we experience emotions in this pure way, without a story, we discover that they move through us and a deeper layer is revealed.

Deeper than the surface level anger, we discovered pain and helplessness. Ironically, what propelled the so-called “cruel” was a very innocent feeling that wanted to be met. Then, we have a beautiful opportunity to open and meet what is truly going on within us. In this brave opening, we reclaim a tender and vulnerable part of us that we have disowned. There is such healing, such self-compassion in this simple decision.

Surprisingly, underneath the “Cruel” side of the polarity appears Kindness itself, deep self-compassion and ultimately, compassion for the cruelty “out there” in the world. The polarity can finally soften and the energy that was spent fuelling the polarity can be spent in right action or right inaction — whatever the present situation requires. Such action or restraint comes out of love and compassion, not out of anger or unprocessed remnants of past experiences. We are free to act in the moment as the moment calls for, rather than react based on past woundings and conditioning.

What polarity depletes your precious life force and no longer serves you? What does you mind naturally drift towards? I would love to investigate with you. This is an invitation to see through the ways, in which we make ourselves suffer and choose differently. We do have a choice, I promise that much — the rest is a question of willingness to be true.

Do you recognise this question?

Many of us live with the impression that we are at the mercy of life’s circumstances. Whenever we encounter difficulties, we tend to feel like powerless victims of an unfair universe. We may highlight this cosmic injustice to people around us. We may even think that it is their fault. I only say this because it is part of my behavioural make-up. Please do let me know if it’s just me.

For others, the feeling of being ‘in control’ of things is the preferred option. If we happen to be part of this latter group, we can’t live without to-do lists, rule of law, cleanliness. We like a good pecking order and we stay well organised. In fact, we organise everything…and that includes other people’s behaviour, ways of doing things and lives. Of course, all of this is done as an act of ‘generosity’ or a piece of ‘wise advice’, yet we feel triggered by those who ‘refuse to receive it’ and stick to their own (inferior) ways. Again, I only say this because I see it in myself.

There is yet a third group that swings between the two roles in different parts of their life. Here, we dance between “I’m a hero — I’m in control” and “I’m a victim — bad things just happen to me”. I suspect that we all can recognise ourselves in this interplay of roles to some extent — it is called ego.

I say ‘roles’ because they are. You may have already guessed where I am headed with all this — none of these behaviours are our True Nature. They are learnt, perhaps modelled and well practiced roles. Playing either of them out feels so familiar that we cannot help it. We enact the usual well-tested script and the hero or the victim rocks on to the stage. Yet after the show is over (and sometimes even before the curtains have closed), there is an equally familiar feeling of emptiness. Deep inside, we know it is a farce and this farce can never bring us lasting fulfilment. So why do we keep doing it?

The victim and the hero have both served us well. They kept us healthy, alive, allowed us to digest certain events at tender age, for which we may have been unprepared. But we are no longer children and most of us have observed these cycles of boom and bust enough to know that they don’t work. Worse still, they are the very reason for our suffering.

The truth is we are neither in control of circumstances, nor are we victims of them.

The ‘in control’ crew would perhaps be disappointed to learn that most of our ‘decisions’ appear to be conscious, but originate in the subconscious mind. In other words, they are the by-product of our conditioning and childhood traumas, our negative beliefs, our early perception of the world, our genetic and neurological make-up etc…But they certainly have little to do with our great decision making skills. A team of scientists in the Max Plank centre for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Germany has unraveled how the brain actually unconsciously prepares our decisions up to 7 seconds ahead of them ‘appearing’ in our conscious mind. Just ponder that for a moment. Scientists are able to tell what ‘conscious’ decision we are about to take before we *think* of it for the first time…What we call ‘free will’ may well be an illusion.

The ‘victims’ crew is equally left with no support — there is evidence that we shape our reality in both physics and neuroscience. The Law of Attraction, which in short states ‘you attract what you are’ has left the realm of what some consider ‘woo-woo’ New Thought philosophy and made it to the ‘safe’ world of evidence-based science. The double-slit experiment in physics shows that by the mere act of observation, we influence what we perceive as ‘objective’ reality. The experiment demonstrates the probabilistic (as opposed to deterministic) nature of quantum mechanical phenomena. In other words, the smallest phenomena that make up our ‘reality’ are uncertain in nature and what makes them ‘appear’ certain is our observation of them. Neuroscience reveals that what we see as reality is pure subjective perception. Our Reticular Activating System (RAS) acts like a filter for our conscious mind — it sweeps through the huge amounts of information that our brain processes every second and brings to our conscious awareness only the ‘relevant’ stuff. Thus, it presents us with a very subjective version of the world, biased towards the survival of our genetic code. In other words, it constantly brings to our attention what we have perceived as ‘threats’ in the past. Remember those negative beliefs that formed when you were 2 or 3? Well, the RAS makes sure you do not forget them. And while all of this feels ‘very real’ to us, it is all well made up by our miraculous brain.

So what does this leave us with? Well…the confusing idea that we are neither in nor out of control. That’s right. It would appear that we shape our reality (to the horror of our victim mentality), yet it happens mostly subconsciously, as much as we’d like to sometimes credit our mind with its cognitive and decision-making abilities (sorry, heroes). The Law of Attraction is real, but also subconscious and this leads me to the next point.

The ‘Fix’

Many have interpreted the Law of Attraction as something we can work at to get what we desire. In other words, if our outer world is truly a reflection of our inner world, then we can change our beliefs and thoughts to attract the circumstances of our dreams, they say. Positive thinking philosophers, empowerment gurus, affirmation teachers are all here to tell us to practice our power of intention and have a life of abundance. And there certainly is merit to this, but…

Something feels wrong — it is a strategy of ‘fake it till you make it’. And as previously mentioned, any strategy of this type, however powerful it may be, leaves us eventually empty. In a moment of honesty with ourselves, we may discover that no achievement, no fulfilled desire has brought us a lasting sense of inner peace. And this is because underneath the superficial layers of thoughts and intentions hides a deeper, often subconscious layer of fear, anger, hurt — a hungry ghost that no fulfilled desire can feed in a lasting way. Call it ego or simply the human condition. And as previously explained, it runs the show in ways we don’t always understand.

So what to do?

What if the answer is ‘just dance’. It appears to me that the Law of attraction is an inevitability — it is always true, always in place. It is not something to manipulate or ‘use’ to attract the life that we superficially want, an ‘empowered’ life of sorts. It is instead a precious mirror for us to constantly learn about our inner world, the beliefs that operate our behaviour and the wounds that we need to tend to. Indeed, I have no doubt that the outer world is a perfect projection of our inner experience, but I also see no point in trying to manifest a ‘better projection’.

Our triggers are our greatest teachers and this dance between hero and victim mode is part of the textbook called life. The more we turn its pages, the clearer we see through the dance, the more we heal what needs to heal naturally. No need for pushing, nor pulling. Circumstances and our reactions to them reflect back to us all that our soul needs to see, learn, experience in order to grow and transcend this human experiment. Life in itself is a path to freedom. Life IS freedom itself. There are no mistakes, no alterations needed.

The sacred dance between power-full-ness and power-less-ness cannot deliver lasting fulfilment, yet we are born dancers. Without partaking and learning the steps, we stand no chance at seeing its futility. It is only then that we can choose to hear the music and stay still.

So dance, loved ones.

Friends and yoga students often share with me that they would love to build a meditation habit, but they find it difficult. Indeed, meditation takes commitment and for many of us, it is uncomfortable to begin with. I find that deep motivation comes with understanding why we do it. Today’s post is dedicated to this question.

We meditate to still our mind and move in the direction of rest and focus. In an age of multitasking, digital overstimulation, stress and noise, meditation allows us to stop. Multitasking has been shown to impair cognitive skills (attention, processing speed, memory, logic, reasoning). Digital multitasking has been unsurprisingly shown to have negative long term effects on mental health, emotional regulation and sleep.

Meditation counterbalances these trends. Learning to still and focus our mind has been shown to increase our capacity to solve problems, abide in peace, handle stress and work productively. And if this is not enough for you, check this out: there is a growing body of scientific research pointing to physiological changes due to consistent meditation practice. Meditation increases the cortical thickness in the hippocampus, which runs our memory as well as the ability to learn new things. The amygdala (our fight or flight response centre) is shown to be reduced in meditators compared to non-meditators. Long term meditators are therefore less reactive and more efficient decision makers.

We meditate to restore balance. Mindfulness-based methods, including meditation and gentle yoga, have been shown to nearly halve the relapse rate in people with recurrent depression and offer sustainable long-term support to a range of mental and physical illnesses. It works — I don’t think we can safely say the same about antidepressants or psychotherapy.

We meditate to heal. Meditation helps us process negative emotions, such as grief, anger and fear. Consciously or subconsciously, we often spend our lives trying to escape them, yet if we’ve tried this strategy for a long time, we would know it doesn’t work. The only way is through as they say, and that means welcoming and experiencing those feelings completely. Meditation cultivates stillness of body and mind so that we can meet emotions and trauma with compassion for ourselves and for all the different aspects of our being, including the ‘monster in the closet’. More compassion for ourselves means more compassion for all beings.

We meditate to fulfil our innermost purpose. Rod Stryker, author of “The Four Desires” says that we all come to life with a unique soul purpose. True fulfilment is found when we discover it and align our lives with it. Yet, “under ordinary circumstances, your mind is less than ideally suited to “hear” your soul”, he writes. Therefore, to access our own inner wisdom, we need to train our mind to be still.

We meditate to serve from a place of never-ending fullness. Matthiew Ricard, a Buddhist monk, researcher on the effects of meditation on the brain and author of “Why we meditate?”, writes “The Ultimate reason for meditation is to transform ourselves in order to be better able to transform the world. To put it another way, we transform ourselves so that we become better human beings and serve others in wiser and more effective way. Meditation thus gives our lives the noblest possible meaning”.

Finally, we meditate to be free. This comes last, but it really is the only true and underlying reason to meditate, at least for me. Papaji says that the purpose of all practices is Silence and this Silence- Awareness-Bliss is our very Nature. It is ever present, yet difficult to see as it is covered by the clutter of our own mind and the resulting suffering. We meditate to remove this clutter and inquire deeply into the source of our suffering. It is my personal motivation to sit quiet every day. Nothing is of greater priority.

So find your own unique reason, connect to it and let it guide you. Despite everything good that I knew about meditation, it seemed that I needed to FEEL and KNOW my own reason. So may you uncover yours and practice with joy! If it doesn’t come immediately, don’t worry, don’t force it. It will come in its own time, if it is needed.

Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti!

With Love.