I told him I admired his interest in music and wished that I too could sing. I know his dad has a great voice, but I have never once heard my son sing. On the other hand, I know my son does nothing unless he is already very good at it.

His response surprised me: “Everyone can sing.”

Yeah, okay, but seriously, I tried Karaoke twice and the crowd was so embarrassed, they couldn’t even look at me.

My son calmly continued, “People just need to learn how to sing, how to use their voice. It requires learning and practice. Some people sing well naturally, but most people need coaching.”

It was humbling to hear my son use the exact same words that I have declared over painting, or dancing, or writing, or cooking, or speaking, or a ton of other skills and talents people avoid, while claiming they simply cannot.

I spent 59 years telling myself I couldn’t sing.

And I love singing. I sing all the time in the privacy of my car, or in the company of my sisters, who don’t sing any better than me. I wish I had been told long ago that I could sing. I wish I had been told that I could sing when I was a toddler.

I am by nature a brave soul. I tend to speak up in a room, and risk looking foolish. But no one told me I could sing.

No one said that I could not sing. I just decided it was impossible.

Maybe I will take voice lessons too. Maybe I can sing.

Don’t forget that the tension between a reader and a writer is actually a good thing — most literary people read to consider another view, to be stretched — not to only be placated with mutual beliefs. Writers are often forced to risk disagreement and quietly stand their ground.

Beta Readers might justify their literary preferences.

If your reader only reads fiction, they are not the best choice for feedback on a nonfiction book. A biased reader may experience the unfamiliar landscape with a narrow scope. If they tend to avoid specific forms, for example, a complex preface, they might show intolerance for yours. This is not necessarily true for other well-rounded readers.

Beta Readers will mirror their own perceptions of your subject matter.

Let’s say your reader holds strong views that we must all find success on our own, and we should not expect any handouts. But your book celebrates philanthropy, thus promoting the welfare of others. Your reader might balk at your views. This contention could leave your reader feeling annoyed, or even guilty. As a result, the reader’s feedback suggests that the book is “a bit preachy.” Consider the source when a reader implies their own discomfort. There is no need to jump to defense, nor to necessarily make any changes.

On the other hand, Beta Readers could grant sensible change.

When a reader’s advice feels intuitively correct to you, it is valuable feedback. If you have had a nagging feeling about some aspect of your content, a beta reader can help nudge you to go back and address it.

Always thank your readers for their feedback, whether you fully agree or not. They are either going to help you revise and grow, or they will help you further define and stand behind your intent.

Inspiration

Let’s face it, the people we love are not always the people to help us with our writing. A proper and objective writing coach will be just as excited about your project as you are; a coach is often your greatest cheerleader.

Writers spend a lot of time up in their heads, contemplating, and even worrying about their current goal. It can be fruitful to build a connection with another writer, another set of eyes upon what you are doing, for brainstorming and a constant source of suggestions. We want to access the heightened energy that comes from another passionate human.

Expertise

A writing coach is skilled in the use of language. They are not too close to the project to hold biases, and therefore, they can tell you where to best slow down and expand, when to combine sentences to be more concise, promote an effective order of ideas, to improve clarity, and to share questions your readers might consider.

A writing coach can even step in when you are stuck and do some ghost writing for you. This can prepare you for meaningful shifts in tone, or provide samples of what you may try on your own.

Accountability

It’s easy for motivation to fade over time, which might lead to never completing your goal. An effective writing coach will balance patience with prompts, so you’re more likely to stick to a timeline. Structuring your time and commitments allows for checkins, feedback, and step-by-step goals. These check-ins can rekindle your fire, and remind you of why you once found this project worthwhile. A coach can provide tips on forming reasonable organization, how to create a book cover, an introduction, a foreword, an author bio, and acknowledgements.

The Clean-up Crew

One of the most common things I see in self-published books are far too many errors. Beware of overconfidence with this part of the project. Editing involves many tasks, such as copy edits, proofing, line edits, and sometimes documentation. Edits can help with formatting, mechanics, fluency, impact, and confidentiality. With a freelance editor, your writing will meet a professional standard.

Selective Spending

Writers can modify coaching and editing times to meet their individual budgets; a hired coach can help writers set parameters around necessary tasks. If you would like a free consultation to discuss coaching and/or editing, just reach out! I am happy to chat about this service. My website also shares more specifics on coaching and editing as well.

Last week, I attended a dinner out with my husband’s coworkers. I was privileged to sit next to a woman who had been suffering the pains of a divorce and likewise the glory of figuring out how she would eventually flourish, how she would reinvent herself and thrive. We fervently agreed that creativity was the answer. Among other things, she wished to write about the idea of place, even potentially personifying a place and all that it sees.

I longed to share all of my wisdom, having had several divorces stacked up like a cairn entitled The Past. I did my best to just listen. I longed to tell her that her anger would pass, and that her anger was just keeping her alive right now. I knew better than to share those things. No one in divorce wants to hear advice they never sought.

Suffering makes for good stories.

If I am being completely honest though, I sort of wanted to be her. I had spent so much of my life in that murky, familiar place of loss, humiliation, rage, and darkness — like a soldier home from war, I struggle now to live in the Peace.

Today, after all, is Good. Simple. Healthy. Hopeful and largely Healed. Where is the story in that? What sorts of paintings will bubble up and pour from my right hand now? Is it possible to be this calm and create anything worth a damn?

Intensity electrifies, while calm often sleeps.

The soul longs for the deep wounds that prompts our fierce vision, our brooding voices. When the world sees only blue skies, though lovely, it seems flat in the face of a roiling storm.

How can I be the new Isa, knowing closure on chaos and horror, and still feel the glory of being alive? How can I have once surfed the tidal wave of my past and now be satisfied with the lull of floating upon a still lake? Like many artists, I am best in a crisis. Maybe this is why I live in a van 30 minutes from a town. When things are this good for so long, I am nearly lost.

Truth ONE

If you write a lot, like volumes, and years, and perhaps you complete 10,000 hours, most of your work will go unread or unacknowledged. Remember the benefits: You are surely improving with practice. Also, you felt something like fulfillment while you wrote it.

Truth TWO

If you have 1,000 friends or followers on social media (because you are not yet famous), you will be lucky to get 50 of them to read your stuff. Do not assume they all want to read your work. Many of them will never read anything more than a 20-word post on social media. Many of your closest friends and family will not be likely to read your stuff. There will be a few lovely and loyal surprises, but many will show initial interest and then never follow through. Worse, some will buy it but never bother to read it. It is okay. They are just not where you want them to be at this time.

Truth THREE

The rare few people who actually do read your book and then fully share their experience are Readers. Notice the capital R? They love this sort of thing. They are Your People. They understand how to discuss your book because they understand how to discuss all things literary. They are the balm upon your wounded heart. It is certainly agreeable to learn of even their mixed review rather than to get no review at all. I have about 75 of these people in my life. Perhaps that is enough.

Truth FOUR

The nonreaders will never appreciate that your creation is a part of your soul. They may not even know that they have a soul that might have otherwise been touched. They might be easily bored, or demand a specific form of reading, oftentimes plot-driven, which is possibly not what you have delivered. Your work is not for everyone.

Truth FIVE

This abysmal form of writer grief has very little — if anything at all — to do with you, your skill, your beautiful mind, your years of effort, your gifts. It has everything to do with a bigger picture, the nonreader’s lives, their constant other distractions, duties, interests and priorities. Many horrible books have sold millions of copies. Many wonderful books only sold postmortem. Your literary creation is simply and straight up not important to them. This is painful, yes, but it is a brutal reality. Only the truly hardened writers will persist despite this humbling frustration, this dark and private injury.

And Yet…

We write anyway. We write because we want to, because we are called upon by some unseen force, because we are meant to do this thing. We write because we have hope that it matters anyway. We write because someone might one day see that our work is worthy of some quiet moments of thought, reflection, amusement, and discussion.

Dearest Writers, if we are true writers, we must write almost entirely for ourselves.

Chaos is Habitual; Order is a Choice.

I had a lot of order in my life, far more than many others. I was generally an orderly person; my car and common living space were kept tidy every day. But for whatever reason, I could not keep my clothing from piling up on the surfaces of my bedroom, random items sat stuffed into my dresser like dead leaves in a bag. This created a lot of low key frustration when choosing what to wear, and the irony was that 80% of my clothes went unworn entirely.

This wasn’t all that different with my bills and documents, I would feel intense anxiety every time I needed to find a legal record, a utility bill, a vehicle title, a birth certificate. I had them in one place and paid my bills on time, but it was a mountain of disheveled and disorganized papers without any sort of category.

My life looked pretty good to outsiders, but my hidden world was causing a steady stream of unnecessary stress. My old habits remained until I committed to creating a new habit.

Related Expertise

“Since the brain doesn’t distinguish between good and bad habits, and it’s difficult for the brain to unlearn them, it can take an average of 30 to 60 days to actually break a habit…. That’s why consistency is key when trying to reach a desired goal” (Deering, 2023).

Inspired Action

In what ways do you wish to find order, harmony, and balance? Can you begin with one thing until it is a new habit? Keep the kitchen table spotless for one month. Sweep the kitchen floor every Friday. Choose your clothes every night before you go to bed.

Can you ask for help? Is your home a constant source of physical neglect? Stop telling yourself that you have no choice. Take a small step to deal with it.

If it hurts, return to Source.

Sometimes people get annoyed with me. And sometimes when they find me particularly intolerable, they might smile and get real quiet. I ask if everything is okay, they say, “Yes, everything’s just fine.” Then I know for sure that they are unhappy and afraid to tell me. You see, I can feel that everything is not just fine, and then I get a little scared and confused and even angry.

When people take a long time to confess what disturbs them, I sink into such a state of angst, I go straight to shame. It must be true that I am a ridiculous human being, and I think that my behavior is so bad, they cannot even be honest about it from the start.

Related Expertise

“A lot of the time, these criticisms are not an accurate reflection of you but a projection of whatever the other person is struggling with. But if seeking approval from other people is your primary source of self-esteem, then it can be difficult to realize this and not let judgmental comments get you down” (Woolfe, 2018).

Inspired Action

When you feel like turning in on yourself, like deciding that you are unworthy of tolerance or grace, then you are sunk. We must detach from our loved one’s experience and see that another’s intolerance is far more about the story in the accuser’s own head than an accurate measurement of you.

You are lovable, and you are okay, even if your behavior meets disapproval.

Go to the earth and get grounded. Stand on the soft grass, or a smooth path, or sit comfortably with soft ethereal music, and take a long deep breath. Say out loud, It is okay. I know that I am enough. I have a divine source of well-being within me. I am only learning what behaviors are troublesome for others.

Emotional Maturity

I have made a lot of mistakes because I had been so emotionally immature. I spent many years avoiding my feelings, with addictions and denial, bravado, and contempt. I think I was emotionally 30 years old when I hit a physical 50. I sought a therapist to guide me, and I was very selective and patient this time. I finally settled on my fourth choice of therapists for the next two years. Before that, I was this physical adult walking the earth, a professional woman, and relatively intelligent, but with the emotions of a fourteen-year-old girl.

Related Expertise

Emotional immaturity can be the result of insecure attachments during early life experiences, trauma, untreated addiction or mental health problems, and/or lack of deeper introspection or work on oneself. It can manifest as self-centeredness, narcissism, and poor management of conflict (Psychology Today 2021).

Inspired Action

Identifying your emotions is the first step toward knowing yourself as a curious observer and an insightful, mature adult. Each evening, whenever possible, take an inventory of your emotional day. Consider what it was that generated feelings and identify those feelings. The four base emotions are fear, sadness, anger, and joy. It is likely you felt each of these to some degree today.

We need to learn how to process our feelings. This often requires another human to listen and validate you and to help you unpack the circumstances. This can also be done in smaller ways and privately with a journal. It is beneficial as well to speak with your higher power.

Do not be ashamed of your emotional world. Accept it. Declare it! Gently admit that these emotions are the result of something real. Even if that reality has become distorted. Talking about it will right-size it. Your emotions will pass when you stop berating yourself for being an emotional human.

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We rest for a reason.

In the winter months, and on rainy days, it is natural to regenerate, to rest, and to contemplate what we have learned. I like to burrow in and embrace the darker days. There are so many ways to allow the warm brews to steep. Light a candle. Cook comfort food. Wear woolen socks and soft snuggly hats. To leave the house, but to only stretch as far as the mailbox or curb, then return, stomp off the wet and meditate, to read or do a puzzle, to sit and visit quietly with a friend. If I am truly bored, I will throw an intimate dinner party with just a few of my favorite people. Together, we share stories. I will insist they participate and contribute to the meal, as I refuse to work too hard at quieter times. Some days are for stillness and quiet reflection. Stormy weather can bring the gift of restoration.

Related Expertise

Dr. Sandra Dalton-Smith, physician and author of Sacred Rest on why essential rest takes courage: “What I have found, in our culture particularly, is that people who are high achievers have this mindset that rest is not necessary because they think they can get more done if they don’t rest. But in truth, the most productive people — people who produce at the highest mental, physical, creative, emotional level of capacity — rest. Those people cannot do that unless they are getting adequate rest. Otherwise, you are creating and producing out of emptiness.”

Inspired Action

Move slowly and trust nature’s process. This is a wonderful time to surrender what has been and to soon prepare for what will be. Take time to recognize the five senses at play in this season of recuperation: Touch, Sounds, Sights, Smells, and Tastes. Take time to name and describe each one as you experience them. This helps us to be present. Don’t worry, you are still alive. You are still living. Like the bear in her den, you are gestating for a rebirth to come. Embrace the stillness, and notice the slumbering breath of the bear-spirit within you.

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Intelligence can block emotional bonds.

In my family, the mind was our higher power. The more knowledge and logic one applied, the more one could manage difficulties, control outcomes, and enact solutions. This was effective for the most part. However, there were times when bypassing another’s emotions by remaining cerebral was calloused and neglectful of a person’s need to experience feelings. People often felt that I was incapable of empathy, and therefore, I could not honor their emotional process.

Related Expertise

“Thinkers offer a more grounded, logical view of the world, while Feelers open the door to unbridled emotional potential and possibility. Unfortunately, the very things that make this pairing so powerful can also lead to communication mishaps. These mistakes can be productive at best and apocalyptic in the extreme” (Brown, 2020).

Inspired Action

There is a time to think it through and a time to stop and feel it first. Neither approach is superior, so we must honor both. For true intimacy in a deepened relationship, we must allow others to be vulnerable, let them feel their feelings, and to slowly come to their more reasonable side in conflicts. Be patient. Don’t bypass the emotions of others just because you are more comfortable with your logical side.

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