I had no idea for my birthday this year. But i’ve got a big present from God, it’s actually THE BIGGEST PRESENT i ever had. Thanks god, my heart is fully blessing about my health past day.

I get an accident, a week before my birthday.

Break a leg! Nah, my leg actually get injured. But let’s make it out!

No celebrate birthday for each year, so it’s not such a problem for me. Honestly after the accident, i have lot of free times. Since i live as college student. I already had break time in the middle of semester. But anyway…I wanna whispering my wishlist for my 21st live. Just simple wish.

On my last year as a college student, i just wanna make it out with joy, bless, greetings, lucks, patient, also easy. Graduate before my last card please. Under 4th years and already have a job before it. God please i manifest on it.

And also, i wish my thesis could be easy for my health (mentality and body).

Jujur takut.

I’ve past my life for three years in college, i had learnt many things. Now i’m becoming the new version of me. I’m an adult right now. A woman who can manages all of that craziest duties. You did well za…

For my own self in the future, hopefully we can figure it out ourself. Being a good person, meet good people, being kind for the surrounding, make lot of money, go study abroad or living abroad, especially for Edinburgh, long live with family and friends, traveling around this country, have a good day, and the other kindes that i want to be exist on my life.

And for my past, accept the trauma that i’ve ever got. You just a kid whos tryng to figure it out. Surviving in this cruel world. And you did it very well. Hopefully you can forgive all the cruel things behind you. Don’t ever hold your anger anymore. Your feel have a space to be shout it out. Accepting life will save your future life. So please, be heal.

I’m the 21 years old version of Izza, hopefully i can be the best version of me anymore.

And hello adult life, i should to be ready face it out!

Manusia hidup dengan terus mengejar segala hal di hdapannya. Segala cara dia lakukan. Banyak jalan dia lalui, dari berbagai jenis garis awal. Pencapaian yang belum pernah diperoleh sebelumnya, menjadi sebuah hal istimewa. Terutama di mata orang lain. Pujian kerap hadir di sekeliling kita. Lalu bagaimana dengan diri kita sebenarnya dibaliknya? Is it as good as the cover too? Bisa iya, bisa tidak.

Satu tahun bukanlah waktu yang singkat. Setiap hari berganti, setiap malam berlalu. Satu perasaan yang sama selalu hadir. Sebuah ketakutan.Ketakutan untuk melakukan segalanya. Hal ini bermula dari menyalahkan diri sendiri.

Ekspektasi, tuntutan, perasaan bertanggung jawab, harapan, target, dan waktu. Semua bercampur menjadi tidak terarah di dalam benak ini. Lalu menghadirkan satu hal. Perasaan menyalahkan diri sendiri. Bukan perkara mudah untuk menyadari hal tersebut. Ketika segalanya mengarahkannya padamu, apakah kita pernah terpikir dengan kondisi kita sebenarnya????

Semua orang melihatmu dari satusudut pandang. Baik atau buruk. Mereka cukup memilihnya setelah melihat dirimu sekilas saja, bisa jadi. Tapi, apa mereka mengerti segala hal yang kamu pikirkan? kamu usahakan? beban yang bertengger diundakmu? People didn’t care. They only care about their own perspective.

You have many people to talk. Tapi kamu bingung tentang cara mengungkapkan semua pikiranmu. Setiap kamu kembali ke ruang kecilmu. Berbagai pertanyaan menghakimi menghujam isi kepalamu. People can’t see it. Even yourself!

Bukan hal mudah untuk melewati itu semua selama satu tahun. Then i relize now, i can’t remember every single thing at that time. Satu jawaban untuk hal tersebut. Mungkin terlalu banyak trauma yang dihadirkan oleh lingkunganmu saat itu. Hingga otak kita tidak bisa menyiapkan sebuah ruang memori untuk hal tersebut.

Sebuah perasaan yang menghantui dan menggagu setiap tidurmu, mandimu, makanmu. Dia tidak pernah benar-benar pergi. Dia terus berteriak di dalam kepalamu. Menyalahkanmu. Maybe i get depressed.

Tahun telah berganti, semua beban tersebut benar-benar sudah pergi. Dua bulan aku menjauh dari dunia. Tidak ada tanggung jawab, tidak ada tuntutan, dan hal lainnya. Hantu itu juga menghilang.

Aku kembali seperti semula. Aku bisa mengingat berbagai hal dengan baik. Tidurku nyenyak. Hidangan yang kumakan lezat. Ruang kecil miliku terasa nyaman. Aku benar-benar kembali menjadi diriku.

Lahir di kota kecil ujung barat Jawa Timur, lalu ikut merantau ke pelosok negeri. Tanah yang kaya akan sumber dayanya. Pulau Babo, Papua Barat. Dari kota kecil beralih ke sebuah pulau kecil di ujung timur Indonesia, ibuku sering menyebutnya “pedalaman”. Dan aku adalah bocah pedalaman itu.

Julukan spesial dari Ayah adalah “Cemo Papua”

Keluarga kami hidup jauh dari hiruk pikuk dunia selama dua tahun. Bukan hal mudah tinggal di sebuah daerah terpencil. Kalau ingin mengerti bagaimana menderitanya hidup disana, tanya saja dengan ibu. Dia adalah orang yang paling merasakan dampaknya. Seorang ibu muda, dengan dua anak, dengan usia dini. Ayah? Dia bekerja untuk mengurus area pulau itu, selayaknya seorang abdi negara.

2 tahun kami akhirnya terhenti, keluarga kami meninggalkan Pulau Babo dengan segudang cerita menuju Pulau Jawa. Setidaknya kami kembali ke daerah dengan infrastruktur dan fasilitas memadai. Kota Malang. Tapi, bukan tepat di tengah kotanya, kami singgah di sebuah daerah yang kini menjadi kabupaten. Terkenal dengan julukan ‘Kandang Arema’. Kepanjen.

Usiaku menginjak 2 tahun saat kami tiba di Batalyon Zeni Tempur 5, atau sering disebut Zipur 5. Banyak kawan sepenanggungan nasib disana. Kami sama-sama anak kolong. Aku bertema dengan tiga kawan, kebetulan rumah kami berada di komplek asrama yang sama. Komplek para perwira.

Seorang anak laki-laki yang tinggal di rumah sebelah, dia menjadi tetanggaku setelah berlabuh dari Kota Makasar (jika aku tidak salah ingat), seorang anak perempuan dan anak laki-laki lain yang sudah lebih dulu mendiami komplek asrama itu. Dan kami menjadi kawan akrab. Rumah kami saling bersebelahan. Setiap pagi, kami selalu berjalan bersama menuju Taman Kanak-Kanak Kartika IV-12.

Kepanjen, 2009
Hari-hari kami dilalui dengan bermain bersama. Kami ber empat memiliki kesamaan. Kami memiliki seorang kakak yang juga seumuran. Jadi, tidak heran jika keluarga kami akrab. Selain nasib mereka yang sama-sama menjadi bagian dari zipur 5, putra putri mereka juga sepantaran.

Jika kisah hidupku di Kepanjen diceritakan dengan detail, akan memakan banyak kata dan kalimat. Jadi cukup sekilas saja. Aku memiliki 4 kawan akrab, yang harus berpisah diusia 6 tahun. Nasib anak kolong, kami harus berpindah-pindah tempat tinggal. Keluarga kami kembali ke kota kelahiranku. Ngawi.

Keluarga kami memutuskan untuk menetap di Ngawi hingga masa tugas ayah purna. Karena kota ini adalah kampung halaman ayah dan ibu juga. Tapi, kembalinya kami ke kampung, menghadirkan banyak pengorbanan. Termasuk dariku, seorang bocah yang belum mengerti banyak hal.

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Ayah ditugaskan di Madiun, sehingga ayah selalu berangkat kantor pagi-pagi sekali. Saat itu, adiku belum hadir di kehidupan kami. Selagi ayah bekerja di Madiun, ibu mengurus kami berdua. Mulai dari mengantar sekolah hingga kami kembali kerumah sore harinya. Namun, saat pulang sekolah, aku dan Mas Habib menggunakan angkot sebagai transportasi kami. Kami biasa diantar Pak Bon sekolah di depan Bank Jatim Ngawi, lalu menumpang angkot berwarna kuning dengan kode ‘C’. Biasanya kami dikenai tarif Rp. 5000 untuk berdua. Saat itu, aku adalah murid kelas 1 dan Mas Habib kelas 6.

Waktu berlalu, Mas Habib mendapatkan hari kelulusannya dari Sekolah Dasar dan kami akan mendapatkan anggota keluarga baru. Saat itu, aku kelas 2 SD. Satu hal yang mengubah hidupku sampai hari ini. Aku harus tinggal di dalam asrama, karena jarak sekolahku yang cukup jauh dari rumah dan tidak ada seorangpun yang bisa mengantarku.

Bocah 7 tahun itu terpaksa mandiri. Bocah yang belum bisa mengerti banyak hal, harus belajar bagaimana mengurus diri, bagaimana mengerjakan pr matematika yang terasa sangat sulit itu. Hingga nilai yang kudapat saat kelas 3 turun drastis.

Pernah sekali aku mencoba kabur. Hanya bermodalkan baju seragam dan tas sekolah, pukul 3 sore sepulang sekolah. Semu aorang dewasa juga tahu jika angkot berlabel ‘C’ jurusan Geneng sudah berhenti beroprasi.

Bocah 7 tahun itu, duduk merenung menunggu kendaran umum yang bisa dia tumpangi menuju rumah. Dibawah lampu merah pertigaan PDAM Ngawi, bocah itu menunggu hingga langit siap menumpahkan air. Satu keajaiban hadir sore itu. Seorang bapak tukang becak menghampiri.

“Nduk, kamu nunggu siapa?”

“Saya mau naik angkot pak”

“Lo angkot jam segini udah ga da dek, kamu mau kemana?”

“Saya mau pulang ke Geneng”

“Saya antar saja kalau gitu”

Belum ada setahun aku tinggal di kota itu, dan dengan modal kepercayaan dan keinginan untuk pulang kerumah. Bocah itu menumpang becak bapak tersebut. Sebuah becak motor menerjang hujan deras sore itu. Jarak tempuh yang umumnya 15–20 menit jika menggunakan motor atau mobil, menjadi 1 jam jika dirasakan.

Sore itu, aku kembali ke rumah dengan selamat berkat bapak tukang becak. May Allah always bless you pak. Walau keberadaan beliau entah dimana sekarang.

Sekilas cerita dari memori masa kecil seorang anak kolong.

Have you ever feel about love is unecessary in your life??? specifically in romantic way….

Yes i’m.

Could you be imaging about finding love while you never see it in a good way. I mean, we have family. The first enviroment that taught you about it. But it’s not work as well. My parenta raising me with a good servant, delicious foods, cousy house, well dress, but…. they never show me a real love?!

I was grown up with nonchalant people, which mean they never show love as act. I never learned before. I taught, if we love someone, we don’t need to express our feelings to someone we love. So i became a person with cold heart???!

I grown up, met people, make a friends with their variousity background. Then i relise. Love’s is an act. Love is a word. Love isn’t unseen. The little girl was grown up in a quiet world. So she refused about this fact.

I’m the nonchalant girl.

In fact, i was wondering about how beautiful to be loved by someone. But you can’t trust them. Many risk behind it. And i was scare about it. As child, i’m looking how my parents showing love. They should to act like a good couple as a parents infront of their child, otherwise i got in bad way.

Have you ever see your parents arguing each other infront their kids? I hope you’re not….

Have you ever seen women get mistretment on your family?

I hope you get a good treat by men in your environment.

I have lot of trauma about it in my mind since i was child. And i hate it. I never grow to dreaming about married life. It’s look like jail.

Married avoiding women from their world. And i don’t to become them. I’m the independent girl who can live with my own place. Love by men is dellusion. And i dream to not become my mother as a wife and parent.

I’m a victim of married life.

Love is unecessary for me.

I had dreamed about to get free live. Free spirited. No rules around me.

I was 10 yo when i decided to fall in love with books. The first novel distroy my exam at that time. I’m spending my night to reading a book instead of studying. But i never regret. The more i grow, the more books i read. I think book contain heroin in it, lol.

Then while i’m in college, my genre of book changing. I can’t read a simple topic of book anymore. I’m interesting about politic, humanism, philosopy, psychology, and history. So i find out a book that change my entire life since i’ve read the book.

It’s The Alchemist

The book has changed my perspective about life. You just a girl who confuse directing your own way, figure it out your life. I was blind at that moment. Everyone whispering their voices through my ears and think these must i take to get a better future life. I can’t walk on my way.

I was thinking a lot about one thing that i never done before. The big dream i nevere reach out. The regret feels haunted my entire life. Then i read one line on The Alchemist.

Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You’ve got to find the treasure so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense.

I was make a big decision since that day, i must to follow my own heart. The voices whisper it out from my heart. It’s seem scary at first. I’m looser at first, then i dream about to being a knight for my own self??? How it could to be…. There many gifted people who can defeat you in a easy way. The reality becomes scary suddenly.The more pages i read the book, i find another line that hit my mind.

And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to acvieve it.

We called it as ‘Manifesting’. We whispering our wish, suddenly the univerese help you to reach it, in any way.

In islam, a hadits said

‘I am as My Servant thinks I am’

Even think that we’re not competen to reach out our dream, but who care about our mind. People must have struggle too before they make it out. So we have too.

A gratitude to Paulo Coelho.

At this time, that one habbit will come out. My biggest fear. The atmosphere that i really hate.

comparing my self with others

I feel never enough for everything that i have right now. I get jelous. I angry for my own self!

Even while i get back, looking at my whole way that i’ve passed…. it’s look messy. It’s mean i’m growing up, i’m different from the last time

I have an achievment!

How ever the small step i made, it’s still an achievment. I’ve being brave to growing up. There are lot of fear behind me before, but i defeat them!

So stop comparing youraelf with othees

If you feel wasting time while you do nothing, you just taking rest for a moment.

Your body and soul must to have a break from all of suffering moment. Stop checking others people’s achievments, cause everyone have their own way. The start line is different! Even it’s same, the process isn’t. You have your own journey, so enjoy it. The spirit, the struggles, the hopeless moment, the blind ways, the motivation, and the tears.

You have your own way, so focus on it

Firstly i wanna say

‘i live in the life that i’ve prayed for’

Since the day of college i’ve make plans about my future life. But most of it are didn’t happen yet. I’m a girl who standing alone between two choices. Then i make a big decision at my 19 y.o

My whole plan has change since that day, i pray a lot to make my dreams happen, and its happen right now.

What a best life when you living in your own dreams. You have work hard to make this happen, and everyone appreciate you about it.

Until the familiar feeling comes again into my life.I feel unmotivated.

I feel tired.

I feel confused.

There is one song that hit me about my current condition. The song is ‘What You Want’ by Cortis.

I was thinking about the meaning of this song.

“What i really want?’

Previous day, i feel confident about my future life, but maybe i’?m wrong.

The girl who has optimism yesterday, was asking about her own self today. That girl is me. The quarter life crisis hits me again.

Why am i not focusing at my current life? Why am i musy to think about the next step? Why am i can’t enjoy my work yesterday at today?

I was thinking a lot about thinga that may not happen yet. People around me lost on their own life to. So is it normal at our age? Why is it look so hard and exhausted our energy?

When i was child, i’ve never expected about life that i have right now.

The more i think, the worst feel i get.

20 y.o isn’t easy, cause we often lose our sparks.

Like Lorde said on her own song:

It’s feel so scary getting old

No one telling me about a quarter life crisis phase on life. We should trhough it by ourself. By my self. And i’m not prepare anything. The process from being a teenger to adult is really HEAVY. Lot of my plans failed. I’m fail repeatedly.

Sometimes i feel like, i have founded my passion but at the another time, the feels will change. I got confuse with my own self. Making a decision about life is really hard. You must to be brave for taking a risk from your decision the you will make good or you will fail. The Fail is my biggest fear. Until right now, i’m still looking for what i really want.