Whenever I think about 2024, my face curves into an involuntary smile. What’s not there to smile about? I thought, “Finally. My days of suffering were over, a relic of the past. Life has started. I’m off the strong soldiers’ list.” Every day got better and better. So I assumed every year would only get better and better.

Then came 2025!

This was my best New Year’s. I was on my feet throughout the night till 8 am. I reached home at 10 after breakfast — straight from the bar, kinda Javas breakfast. I slept for a total of 2 hours on the first day of the year. Thinking back to this day, I’m grateful to have enjoyed each second that I spent awake. This year gave me only 3 weeks to breathe and experience normalcy. Then it started falling apart before anything had a chance to build.

I lost my USAID job. Feeling like life had taken a pause, 4months later I was proved even more wrong. I was still going under. One random Monday afternoon in May, my dad had a stroke. A major stroke.

In a split second, everything changed, and life has never been the same again…

Everything ceased to be important. Nothing made sense. On some days, I still don’t think any of this makes sense. Everything, apart from my family, my dad’s health in particular, ceased to be important. Life slowed down, and yet time ticked faster. One day has turned into weeks and months of fear, agony, sleepless nights, anxiety, and on top of all that, hope.

t’s now the second half of the year — seventh month to be specific. And I still hope. Every day, every hour, I hope because without it, I’d not breathe into the next second.

He is out of the danger zone now, my dad. Week by week, we have watched him fight back. Being disconnected from all these machines and tubes one by one. And one by one, we praised. We still have a long way to go, God knows how long, but where He has brought us from was much further.

I think of that Morgan Freeman quote from time to time.

“If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?”

I prayed to bear the fruit of the Spirit, and I thought it would be pretty, like a walk in a rose garden. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.

We have shared moments of true joy, tiny pockets of laughter, and rare bonding moments as a family. I have experienced peace that surpasses human understanding. A season of patience where I slowly push forward, one day at a time. Extending kindness and goodness more often. I have learned to be gentle to myself and hold myself with the same grace that I give out. And lastly, in many ways, my self-control has been and is still being tested.

More days have been for surviving than living. Some days I get angry with God, especially on days when I long to hear my dad’s voice form my name in his mouth, but it simply doesn’t. When one rejection email comes after another and another, and our issues scream louder than God’s whispers.

This has been a “WHAT IN THE LOST SHEEP IS GOING ON HERE?” type of year. I am tempted to say that this is the worst year I have ever lived, but that’s not true at all. Has this year been the most challenging? Yes. But it’s defined for me what a good year truly is like.
Having a great family is such a privilege. I have been reminded of what and who truly matters.

It’s seven months into the year, and the season is starting to change now. Slowly, but ever so surely. The scattered pieces are coming into place, and by faith, I know, I shall wake up and not miss what I took for granted before. I shall be placed on an even higher ground than I was before.

God’s timing is always perfect!

2026.

Inevitably, life got even better, and it was the best year yet!

_J_

I’ve always heard this but never listened, never internalized the message behind it. Till now. I recently read a tweet that reiterated this message; “How people treat you says a lot about them rather than it does you.”
And I couldn’t help but think how true that is. You can level up, become the best version of yourself, move miles ahead, but there’s people who only perceive you as the person they found you as. For context, I recently had a conversation from somebody I used to know, let’s call them “Person X.” From this exchange, I gathered that Person X still perceived me as naive and quite frankly, dull. The way they spoke to me is the same way they spoke to me a couple of years back. Not once did they take into consideration that this Joyce right now, is much more wiser. Much more aware and capable of reading between the lines.

I never understood why people were so comfortable with lying to me. I used to question it. “Why? Why? Why?” What about me makes someone so comfortable with being dishonest? Especially when I care for them so deeply.
But I understand now that I was asking the wrong question. I was focusing on the wrong angle. Pondering over why someone is lying to me will not change the results. The right questions to focus on can include;
-Why am I tolerating this conversation?
-What do I need to pick out from this conversation?
-How do I stay out of this circus?

Notice how the focus is on self rather than the other person? Because you can change yourself. You can walk away from situations that don’t serve you.
Or, ask yourself, “how can I turn this situation around to my advantage”– STRATEGY!

Unfortunately, we live in an era where you have to apply strategy in even the most mundane things, like friendly interactions. Before I dive deep into this, I’ll clarify that strategy shouldn’t include exploitation or “matching energy” of the other party. Because as easy as this would be, it’s not rewarding in the least. Matching someone’s low frequency pulls you out of alignment with who you really are.
The strategy, in this case, is;

1. Staying ahead of the game. Learn the tricks of your “opponent”, know their tricks, watch their patterns, clock their deflections, and use them all to your best advantage.

2. Stand your ground. Picking up from my conversation with Person X, as we talked, I immediately realized their intention to deceive me. In modern day, we say “gaslight”. Have you ever talked to someone who changes everything they said and tries to convince you that you are the crazy one? I bet you have. It’s pretty common these days. Before, I’d take offense and become angry, defensive, irritated, and disgusted. This time, however, I stood my ground and showed this person that I am not gullible, nor will I just accept what they are saying just to please them. And I did it with so much grace, but from a matter-of-fact stance. I didn’t leave room for negotiation. I didn’t try to convince myself that blue is purple just because X said so. I didn’t even have to argue like I would have before. And guess what? It worked so effortlessly. They realized that they could only go so far with the lies.

3. Act dumb. Liars always slip. Always. Because they can’t keep up with their inconsistencies, they are prone to slip. And sometimes, it’s not worth digging up the truth from them, especially if you know they aren’t familiar with that concept.

4. Walk away. It is so empowering to walk away from situations that once held you captive. If there’s nothing to gain from certain situations or people, walk away without anger. Walk away without the need for truth. Walk away so that you do not contaminate yourself with that that doesn’t matter. There is so much power in exiting.

In this world, nothing outside of you is about you. So, don’t take things too personal.

My sister asked me this question over the Easter weekend. She noticed that I have never had anything nice to say about my previous relationship, (or any of the ones before.) It’s like there were never good times between the two of us.
But that’s not true. There were. Many of them actually. But that’s what makes a heartbreak so hurtful right? The better the memories, the worse the ache. The more you have to force yourself to let go thus forget.

It’s true, I can hardly remember anything good about that relationship but it was a coping mechanism that I had to embody in order to move on. One memory at a time slipping away each day, each month until there was hardly any left. It was the only way I’d let go of what I thought would be permanent. The only way I could make sense of the situation. I had to justify the pain by focusing on only the “bad” times so that my urge to go back evaporates. So that incase I turn back, all I saw were reasons not to return.

In the beginning, it was extremely difficult to forget. I mean, how could I just forget all those years of laughter, love, and joy. Almost a decade of them. They were a part of me. They were experiences that made me who I am. Why I had an interest in certain things, why I did some things in a particular way. They weren’t just add-ons. They were me and I had to let them die. I had to let a part of me die so that I don’t perish all together.

But now, I’m done healing. I’m beyond acceptance. I may not understand the “WHY” of everything but I understand why I need to move forward. I understand why I need to move on from forgetting to complete forgiveness.
I understand, also, that forgiveness isn’t reconciliation. That’s where I’ve gone wrong before. Thinking that I needed to recreate space for those people in my life once I forgave them. And I was wrong. I have tried it before, once. But it was another disaster. Maybe because I hadn’t fully moved on as I thought I had, but either way, I still am skeptical of reuniting with things or people of the past.

Recently, however, my mindset is starting to shift a bit. As each day passes, and I learn more about protecting my boundaries, I have understood that forgiveness is a package that I am still unravelling; one layer after another. I still don’t think reconciliation is on the table however politeness is. I do not have to pretend that this person is non-existent. I could be cordial, but that doesn’t mean I need to welcome them back into my life to reoccupy the space that once belonged to only them. Nor, mold a brand new space for them in my life. It’s about acknowledging everything that happened and finding peace with it. And how I choose to move forward should not be dictated by these non-erasable chapters.

To be honest, this mindset shift is freeing. I do not get to carry any burden no more. My mood doesn’t get to shift when I happen to be around them anymore. My heart doesn’t burn with hate no more. My mind doesn’t wander into a sea of negative thoughts.

Forgiveness doesn’t erase the scars. And truthfully, I wouldn’t want it to. It merely seals the reminder that once upon a time, a flame burnt bright. But eventually, all flames die down.

And this cuts across to everyone I have ever fallen out with. I do not have it in me, anymore, to try and make sense of why people did what they did, or treated me a certain way. Not everything needs to be rationalized. Whatever happened, happened. And knowing the reason as to why, won’t make a difference. Not anymore atleast.

_J_

I stumbled on the advert on the UAA Instagram page as I aimlessly scrolled through my timeline. I checked my calendar and my Friday was free. Seeking out sector expertise on a Friday evening wouldn’t be a bad idea. If I am building my brand, why not go and listen to what a big brand has to share? And to top it all off, get a chance to network with new people. You see, sometimes you become isolated while out of office. Maybe you get too comfortable staying home rather than moving out. But how do you expect to thrive in society when you choose a life of solitude? This was an automatic MUST ATTEND.

The event was set to commence at 5PM, as the flyer indicated. Unfortunately, I arrived 20 minutes past time. My hand dove into my bag to quickly pull out a new 10,000 Uganda shillings note that covered my transport fare. I could have told him to keep the change if I were in a better financial position. But maybe next time. I dusted my African themed blazer (which happened to be the same a the UAA theme) — I promise I did not plan this at all but it was an interesting odd. I widened my stride, trying to reduce the small distance left, as fast as possible. But one thing became apparent as I made it to the compound where the event was to happen. Ugandan events always operate on Ugandan time. I walked up straight to the cocktail table where Tony Otoa stood, alongside the president of UAA and GM of OMG Saladin Media UG, Rommel Jasi, and Grindstone’s MD Peter Igaga. I don’t think I’m the only one who gets nervous when thrown into a situation where you don’t know how to articulate yourself where most need be. “Should I walk past them or should I greet them? what do I say after greeting them?” So many thoughts swirling in my mind, and yet such a short gap left to fill before my feet halt at the table.
“Hello, good evening.”
“Good evening, you are welcome.”
“Thank you.” smiles
They smile

Before the awkwardness settles in any further, I excuse myself to go join my friend, Suzan who was already waiting in the tent. Why is talking to new people such a challenge? It really is a “cat got your tongue” moment. I do not like it when this happens. I am not implying that I should have pulled out all my networking cards on entrance, but atleast I could have talked about the weather 😅😅

But, after the “pep talk” with Otoa, I left a different person (hyperbole employed).

However, before I dive into that, the event commenced with a self-introduction session and God did I hate being put on the spot like that. More so, when the introduction includes your place of work yet you are unemployed at the moment. If only the ground could swallow me for a moment. The microphone moved from hand to hand, and in no time, it was my turn to speak.
One tip from me to you, Fake confidence until it kicks in. Do not, for one moment, exude timidness. Command the room when you walk in, and when you speak.
“Good evening everyone. I am Joyce Nalubega, a communications practitioner. I am a content creator, writer, and I have a podcast, conversations with J.

That wasn’t hard as I thought it would be. Matter of fact, it wasn’t hard at all. So why am I telling you this? At the start of Tony’s speech, he pointed out the importance of branding and being remembered for what you do. He singled me out as an example because of my introduction.

“People can remember you from what you say about yourself, about how you present yourself. I shall remember that there is someone who does this particular thing and connect them to someone who is looking for those services.”

Tonight, I realized one thing. You can only succeed when you choose that it’s the only option you have. We now call it “locking In” and that’s the most authentic thing you can do for yourself. Whenever I hear stories of people who are succeeding at this life thing, there are common underlying factors. Unique, but common. Factors like discipline, personal branding (which was the gist of the talk), authenticity, boldness, tenacity, and a willingness to learn. And it is always such a humbling revelation — these people who I look up to are normal people like me. They have a story just like I do. Not all were born into the life they live now. They made it happen. They turned their story around. Using a special talent given to each and everyone of us. But the ones who choose to study it, tap into it, and use it to succeed, are the ones at the top. And to be fair, this is exactly how it has always been since ages past.

One day, when my vision meets my reality, I shall also have my story. Another chapter added to the book of History’s greatest. That one day starts with today and every other day after. Every time I show up. Every time I choose my desire to succeed over my comfort.

Lessons, Laughter, wealth, and connection were shared in those few minutes of chatting. I do believe everyone present got something out of his speech.

It would have been a shame if I didn’t implement what I had just learnt. But to cut the long story short, I left the event with three new contacts, one belonging to a 3D artist (like how cool can people be)?

The last thing on the list when it comes to such networking sessions is trying to “see how you can get a job through them.” That’s boring, and frankly speaking, tacky. Don’t worry, no judgement, I have been there too.
But the more I attend such events, the more I learn the core purpose of why I am in such a space. That Friday evening, I acquired more knowledge, I made new connections that shall introduce me to a new stories, widen my perspective of life, and make genuine relationships in whatever direction it might take.

The night concluded ceremoniously with cake cutting and the Cafe Javas black forest cake did not disappoint. What a fruitful Friday evening.

I wish you all a lovely weekend and a successful April. Let us LOCK IN!

Friday night. It is a crispy one. The wind is lacing through the leaves and the goosebumps on my skin grow in an instant. I tug on my split sleeves to cover my exposed arms. It shall rain tonight, I think. Seated across from me is my girlfriend Suzan. She wears a black dress that hugs her body just right, accessorizing it with golden jewelry and a big, cream jacket draped over her shoulders. She seems warm and content.

We decided to go for dinner at one of our favorite restaurants in Kampala. The charm of this restaurant stole my heart from the first time I stepped foot here. It is an open space designed with intimacy. It is a resting haven hiding in plain sight. It is 8:00 PM. The different sections are dimly lit, the music plays at a moderate volume that does not compete with conversations, the DJ set comprises some 80s and 90s gems, the people are bopping their heads, some slightly moving their waists but clearly, everyone is having a good time. The LED lights accentuate the dark interior and compliment the brown, vintage furniture. It is all elegant. I simply adore this place.

A charming waitress presents us with the menus. And if i may say, the hospitality here is quality. You shall be received with warmth and shall receive all the help you need instantly. Right from the security at the door. Unlike some places you walk into and you, the customer, are begging to use your money.
We eventually place our food and drinks order, opting for hot beverages to fend off the coldness.

One thing I can vouch for in this place, aside the aesthetic, is the food. A juicy Aurous pizza special with hot, elastic cheese never disappoints. And as I sink my canines into my first slice to take the first bite, every taste bud, and muscle dance with excitement and glee. God really did a number when He created the concept of food.

And speaking of God’s creation — The men who come here…
Sometimes I am reminded that men can be ridiculously and painstakingly handsome. In which part of the country do they come from? Where do they live? or work? or hangout? And they are so rare that you shall not randomly bump into them again. These are faces that you long to see. Faces that God took His time with. Faces that make you pretend-turn in your chair to steal a glimpse of that fine, chiseled jaw, well-built body, handsome eyes, 6ft, beautiful caramel type of view. I love a good view on a chilly Friday night!

As the night stretches on, we get lost in deep conversation and the overall mood is highly elevated by the music waves. There’s moments I choose to keep quiet to just observe. To soak it all in. To allow myself to romanticize the scenes unfolding before my eyes. It is one of those nights that I may not remember in the far future. A filler page in my March chapter. I don’t even have a picture. But maybe immortalizing it in a few words can help jog my memory.

Goodnight.

It’s a quarter to 8PM and I’m approaching the evening of my daily walk. Here, where I stand, is the most satisfying part about my trek. Day or night, the view from this hill is breathtakingly stunning. They say the view from the top is always the best that’s why no matter how challenging the climb is, I still continue my ascent because what awaits me at the top is priceless. And I’m not the only one who thinks so. You see, every time I’ve passed by here, I find people who appreciate the view as much as I do. Unlike me, who just slows her stride but keeps on moving , this team seats and experiences sunrises and sunsets. Just like today, they usually comprise a team of 3–4 with a JBL speaker to accompany the mood. It is exactly the kind of small outing that I would prefer to have with my friends. Watching the sky change its colors as the stars and moon begin take their place in the night sky.

I started taking walks earlier on in 2024 but then I got busy with my corporate life and totally abandoned my new found passion. So at the beginning of 2025, one of my new year resolutions was to walk everyday. I started with a lot of vigor as we always do when it’s a new year. But even before I checked my Health app, I knew that my steps had noticeably reduced by almost 1,000 steps on average by end of February.

Walking has made me realize a couple of things about the world, my surroundings, and most especially about myself. I am someone who accustomed myself to using a boda boda (motorcycle) for wherever I went, regardless of how short the distance was. And by short, I really mean 5 minutes short or even less. I would rather pay that UGSHS 1,000 than to walk. I would aways have excuses like how the sun was too bright, or I need to get there as quickly as possible, or any other justification to my laziness.
But now, I realize how places I thought were very far, are actually quite close. Merely a 15 minutes walk or 30. The first time I took what I had considered a longer route, it actually ended up being merely a 20-minute-walk and I was in utter disbelief. If it weren’t me who had taken the steps, I would not have believed it. And the craziest part about it all is that I did not feel exhausted. Matter of fact, I felt rejuvenated. I felt like I needed to take one more step forward to see how far I could go. And I did.

One more step. One more step. Just, one more step.

Walking has made me feel so alive, not only physically but holistically. I get to think better when I am on these walks. I find inspiration in so many things that I see. I get to experience a heightened sense of sonder each and every single day which grounds me as a human being. I discover things and places that have always been in plain sight but were hidden since I would just zoom by. I now see my neighborhood with some new perspective and I do not hate it as much. And above all these, walking makes me feel accomplished. It’s like a reward that I give myself, knowing that it has paid off both now, and for my future self. Whenever I return from that two hour trek, I am filled with joy, and a lightness that goes beyond the physical. Who knew that I would have so much fun from something I dreaded for years?

I look forward to my next walk, my next discovery, my next adventure.

It was a few minutes past 6pm, the sun was sinking and the day’s heat was finally cooling. I dressed up, ready to walk out of the house but my legs couldn’t let me. My mind was in active battle of pros and cons of why I should stay or go.

The part of me that didn’t feel like walking whispered, “I’ll walk tomorrow” while the version of me that I want to be shouted, “action over feelings.”

Minutes passed quickly and i was almost giving in to stay home and chill. But I remembered who I’m doing this for and why.

Feelings are so fickle, you cannot use them as a crutch for your decisions. So you have to always stick to your promise of consistency regardless of how you feel at the moment. As long as you are capable, show up.

Hitting my feet to the ground, I pushed myself up and walked out before I could change my mind.

Breaking out of a comfortable shell is excruciatingly difficult and at times, unbearable. It’s trying to free yourself from what you find comfortable and familiar. It’s fighting yourself in almost every single choice you make. But what makes it worth it is what awaits you on the other side.

So, today I walked. I didn’t enjoy 90% of the walk but I found joy in the 10% when one of my favorite songs came on. With renewed vigor in my step, I ascended the hill (the steepest part of my walks) on the beat of “We are young” by Fun(whatever happened to this amazing band…)

In those 4 minutes, I was elated. I tapped into my main character energy step by step, hands swinging front and back, a smile on my face and determination coursing through my veins. Truly, it was the highlight of my evening because in those 4 minutes, nothing else mattered but me getting to the top. Winning.

So what’s the lesson here? — If you want to go far, you’ve got to stop leading your life with emotions but logic.

I was at Speke Resort Munyonyo last afternoon, a wholesome Sunday afternoon until it was interrupted by this unpolished male (the story shall unveil his race if you are keen). I had such a magnificent view of the lake, and the breeze was a reprieve from this un-bearing heat that has blanketed us for the past couple of weeks. I was sipping on my sweet sangria while listening to the band playing somewhere around the corner. A truly relaxing Sunday as they all should be.

This man was sitting adjacent from the table I was at. He seemed to know almost everyone else who looked like him. He was drinking Mirinda Pineapple soda and smoking cannabis (good quality it seemed because I couldn’t smell it until I saw a rolled brown blunt in his hand) as he engaged in conversation with his friends. Everything was going well and calm until in a blink of an eye, everything shifted.

His friends except the one he shared the table with had departed and an elderly waiter, of about 50 or so years came around. Now, the events that followed, I cannot piece together what caused them so maybe you, my esteemed reader, shall figure out the puzzle for me. Within a breath, the two men got into an entanglement, hands gripping the other. Immediately, I was caught in alarm-that kind of alarm that rises in your blood when you realize that you are about to become a witness to a nasty fight. But no sooner had it started than it broke off. So, at this point, I was thinking that maybe they are joking around with each other since you know, men can tend to play strange games at times. We have witnessed this in town when two motorcycle riders pretend to throw fists at each other only to be “joking.” However, this was far from a joke.

Probably realizing that he was starting to cause a scene, the man let go and retreated to his seat. But he did not retreat from the fight. What was physical turned verbal and that’s where things went downhill, quick and disgustingly obscene. I was too stunned to hear everything this man was telling the waiter, but also, his words weren’t coherent enough. With such a condescending tone, and pointing accusatory fingers at the waiter, he spit out abuses and insults that were uncalled for. But the one that stood out most for me was, “You think you are somebody yet you work but cannot afford a $450 room here per night. You are worthless, your father is worthless. You Ugandans are jokes..” and he used the “F” words more times than I could keep count. On the other hand, the waiter mumbled on, “I do not care what you say, I am not scared of you, I do not care, I do not care,” like a chant he had to use to protect himself from this man turned beast.

His friend who he shared a table with, held his head in his hands out of second hand embarrassment because the scene was escalating. People’s heads were starting to turn to our direction and things at this point were getting out of control. He told the waiter to calm down because if he kept on responding to the other man’s insults, the situation would get from terrible to ugly. At the same time, the other waiters tried to calm their workmate down as well, telling him to ignore.

Is it not truly sorry how society tells us to calm down and to be the “bigger” person in situations where we are disrespected? I hate it. Sometimes, you have to be a Kendrick. But unfortunately for this guy, the stakes raised were higher, and he would have much more to lose if he stood up for his rights. So he walked off. Leaving this guy to argue with the wind.

About an hour or so later, it was time to go and that’s when this rude man passed by to greet me and the company I was with. The change in demeanor was frightening because if I hadn’t bore witness to what had happened earlier, I would never have believed it if someone told me. He approached us, smiling warmly, hand stretched out to gesture greeting.

He introduced himself as a Human Rights’ Lawyer based in London.

I almost chocked on the last sip of alcohol I had just taken. I must have misheard him but no, unfortunately, I didn’t. Before we could even say anything, he tried to justify his earlier mannerisms by saying, “You see, Ugandans are not serious and are bad at business. Not all of them though,” as though that disclaimer would make us, feel any better about his sentiments. “You see, I am one of the people who was chased away from Uganda back in those Amin days but we managed to come back and do something for ourselves.” et cetera…

To be honest, neither of us was interested in what was coming out of his mouth. We just wanted to depart from his presence. In him, I saw a man drowning in trauma of decades passed, and projecting his insecurities onto an innocent man who has no power to defend himself. For a human rights’ lawyer, he should know better. He should do better. And yet, in a matter of seconds, he had stripped someone of respect and dignity, and even dragged his whole lineage along. This wasn’t a man I was interested in knowing, or in the least bit, interacting with. I did not feel any pity for him being kicked out all those years ago. Matter of fact, he should be kicked out now, I do not think he would be missed. I have no respect for someone who belittles another, more so, publicly like that.

Over a year ago, I read a book titled, “WE ARE ALL BIRDS OF UGANDA” by Hafsa Zayyan, I highly recommend this book to everyone. So, I had an understanding of the deep rooted trauma that was surfacing in this man. But never bleed on the ones who never cut you. Never! It doesn’t matter what was done to you, your responsibility is not to reverse it but to heal and create a better environment so that you do not impose that same pain upon others.

I was at Speke for roughly 3 hours and for those 3 hours, this man still sipped on his one Mirinda pineapple soda, the man who wanted the whole world to know how he sleeps in a $450 room per night.

On my way back, I couldn’t help but think of how this hypocrisy cuts across in different ways. How us, Christians, or people of any other faith, are supposed to be the good ones, and respectful ones. The ones supposed to spread goodness to the world and yet in some cases, we strip of others, grace. Or, how some people who identify as advocates for any category, sometimes are the ones who belittle the same people they are tying to save, or anyone who doesn’t agree to the dot, with them.

I do not care whether you are black, man or woman, white, colored, tall, short, religious, atheist, advocate or not. I care that you are humane. That is all that matters to me, and that is all that should matter in this world.

Lastly, you do not need to shout to be heard, or to demand for respect for it’s earned. You do not need to prove who you are if you know who you truly are.

Remember, “Any man who must say, “I am the king” is no true king” — Tywin Lannister

_J_

My earring broke a week ago now but I still have the broken pieces lying on my table. They were marble pink, and concave shaped, a unique pair really. I should have thrown them out by now. But, like every other thing that breaks in my life, I hold on to it a little longer. Even when I know that its purpose is non-existent, I still hold on to it. Secretly hoping and praying, that it magically mends itself and I can use it again.

For purposes of this story, I shall name the earring pinky (well, because it is pink after all)

I didn’t feel the impact of it’s loss even though I did really like it. Within a span of a few months, I have lost about three or four pairs of earrings — more like, something happens to one in the pair. Either it falls, or breaks, or simply misplaced. Last year, I lost one in the cinema. More recently, in January, I lost one in the club (this one was a gift from my aunt so the loss pierced my heart but just a bit). So by the time pinky broke, I was familiar with jewelry parting from me.

However when I look at pinky, I see more than a broken earring. I see my fear of letting go.

I know that it cannot be redeemed yet I hold onto it still. Like as though the longer I hold on to it, the higher the chances of it getting fixed somehow. I know the truth though. It cannot return to its original state. The fact is, it’s damaged beyond measure. I have to throw it away to declutter my room and to create space for more, and better jewelry.

I should be honest with you. Even though this pair was unique and pretty, the clasps were made of fake gold. This made me hesitate to wear them often because my ears are sensitive and would hurt each time I wore them. The pain would come instantly, even before I left the house, but I would persevere because “smartness knows no comfort,” right?

But this was not just about smartness because if it were, I would scout for new and genuine jewelry. I was just scared of letting go because I had purchased them with my money. I was scared of letting go because I saw potential in them. Since I did not wear them on every outfit, I could keep them for those few occasions. Even when my ears complained in frustration, and turned red, I would try to keep them on. I tried to make them work.
They were just pretty. I could easily find better replacements. Why could I not let them go? So what if they were imported into the country? How many pieces of jewelry fall under the same category? They were just pretty.

As I stare at pinky, I conclude that these earrings are a problem. And maybe I am too. They did not meet my expectations but rather than throw them out, I kept holding onto them hoping they become something they are not. Hoping that what was fake could make itself real. Hoping that what was meant to last for a short time would have no expiry date. Hoping that one day, the gold would become real and my ears would be saved. Hoping that the expectations I had of them would become their reality. But they stayed exactly as they are because that was just their make. Their disposition. They were composed of qualities that could never change into something else no matter how much time passed by.

As I stare at pinky, an epiphany stares back at me. The potential I see in people, in situations, and in things. I cannot let go of something big yet I am still holding onto the little things that do not make sense anymore. The process of letting go of people and toxic situations, has been extremely difficult for me throughout my life because I was learning to swim from the deep end rather than starting shallow. If I cannot let go of something like fake jewelry, I’m bound to suffer with letting go of the much, much bigger stuff. Letting go of the people who leave my heart frustrated. Removing myself from situations that leave me uncomfortable.

I have to give myself credit though. I am not where I used to be. I can now let go a bit. And by a bit, I mean that I physically remove myself from where I do not feel valued, loved, or respected. I can clock out emotionally, and this one, I struggled for the longest while so I am proud of myself. I have not perfected the craft yet but I am getting there.
However, mentally, I am still struggling. It is known that our minds are our greatest battlefields. Here, both believers and atheists can agree. It takes my mind such a great deal of time and strength to remove what shouldn’t be there. It’s like my mind is a whole being on its own residing within me but still completely detached from the rest of me. What my heart has acknowledged, my brain is still processing. Even when it knows the truth, it still tries to find a program that can fix the issue. It’s tiresome to say the least. There is a lot of trash stored in the recycle bin of my mind that I just can’t seem to find myself deleting permanently.

I know I have to give myself grace as I figure out how to take captive of my thoughts. And maybe it starts with the little things like these; realizing that I have to throw out the broken/useless materials in my life- worn out clothes that seized to fit me, books from primary/secondary that I can donate, spoilt gadgets that I should throw out, all accessories that I do not wear, et cetera.

Let go of what’s dead and create room for new and better things to breathe life into you. If you struggle like me, start small. Look around for the dead weight that you keep dragging along with you everywhere. Start small. What matters is you starting. And one day, that situation, or person, or place, that had so much power over you, will be thrown into the past where it belongs. It shall have no more power over your present, better yet, your future.

Good luck to us!

_J_

You convince yourself that you don’t like flowers.

He tells you that it’s a normal day just like the rest but like the rest, he does nothing but the bare minimum.

He tells you that he loves you-his words always being louder than his actions- and once more, you convince yourself to stay.

He tells you that a wedding is overrated. He is ready to start a family with you.

A family is all that you ever wanted. A wedding is all that you’ve ever dreamed of since you were a little girl.

You can compromise right? After all, relationships are about compromise right?

So you agree. You bare for him child. And some two more. You introduce yourself as the Mrs.

But the question is, Mrs. who?

He tells you that he shall provide for you. Work no more and give yourself fully to him.

You agree because suffering was never really your thing. Or should I say, self-reliance. Or Independence?

He is a busy man and keeps on climbing the corporate ladder. He doesn’t have time for you or the children. He demands that you understand. He demands that you be grateful for the roof over your head.

You understand. Even when it hurts, especially when it hurts, you understand. Because you want his love so bad. Because you need that provision. It’s been years of dependency, where would you start from having a life of your own?

Besides, it’s not just about you. You have the children. You don’t want them to grow up in a broken home like you did. You know the implications.

But you still hope. That he shall get better. That he is figuring things out but he will come around. He is still figuring out things from that first valentines where he didn’t get you flowers. He is still figuring out, years later, how to love you in your love language. He is still learning how to find the balance.

Like he is forever a child and you, his senior holding his hand.

Today, you learnt that he has another woman. You go through his phone and realize there are multiple others. You confront him and he says “but I come back home to you every night. I love you, not them. Baby, please understand that as a man, one woman cannot satisfy all my needs. But you are the one I love.”

Maybe, and just maybe, he brings you flowers the next day. He is sorry. He must be sorry because this time he went all out to buy you flowers. You forgive him. You understand him.

You buy a new set of lingerie to entice him. You wake up at 5AM to make him breakfast, lunch and supper. You prep. You want to prove yourself to him that he doesn’t need other women. Or atleast, that you are his number one even when his list keeps growing. Atleast you are number one.

Every man cheats right? Every man goes offside some times right? Whatever you tell yourself to feel better.

You envy women online who are properly loved but you deceive yourself that they aren’t happy in real life and they are just doing it for the socials. Your deceptions are truths that keep you going. This is not new. This is your routine. Him messing up, you making excuses. Over and over again.

It’s a new year, new beginnings. He is getting married to her. The one he told you never to worry about until he came home one night and told you that he was marrying her. “Babe, I didn’t see it coming. But we connected on a deeper level. I think I’m in love with her too.” Too, because he claims to still love you too.

It’s too much for you. You break down. You feel like the lose threads that were holding you have finally come apart. You feel numb. You feel hurt. You feel confused. You feel. You feel. You feel.

But you stay once again. Because you cannot lose all the time you invested into this relationship. You want to prove a point that you are God’s strongest warrior-He also wonders which God you’re referring to-

He buys her flowers. He takes her dancing. They were in Paris last week, Bali this week. Their house is double yours. He seems to always have the time for her. She is living out the dreams you had for yourself but unlike you, her dreams have come true. He has breathed life into them. His actions scream from the mountain tops. You know all this because you stalk her page, his page, back to her page, and her friends’ pages. It’s all you spend your day doing. The only thing your internet browser reads. The only company you have since he no longer comes around.

.

.

Finally, the text comes through. He frees you from the prison that you and him, both enslaved you in. He is doing you a favor. The only act of love he has ever shown towards you since the day you met.

And yet still, you don’t see it. You feel betrayed. It’s unfair that he is the one to end things like you’re not the one who endured all his bullshit for almost two decades now. His treatment was not unfair. Rather his leaving.

Until the very end, you still choose him. Every single day.

How, was he ever supposed to love someone, who never even loved themselves for a day?

_J_