Vacations are supposed to be relaxing and a time when all your worries can fade away. Does anyone actually believe that? I can tell you that’s not what happened to me.

I’ve come to realize three ways vacations actually cause some harm with personal evidence.

I have high blood pressure, not like super-super high, but high enough that I take medication and I’m given the “lose weight, eat better, and less stress” talk every single doctor’s appointment — regardless of what doctor I see and even if I’ve seen them the day before. It’s like a memorized script to incite my giant eye roll and almost puppeting of their well-meant speech.

I understand good living and I take all precautions to ensure my continued good living, but there are times when I want a great glass of expensive wine and a juicy steak and butter-laden dessert, so I live in the eye of balance, which doesn’t always equate to a lower number on the weight scale or the blood pressure machine.

At home every morning before or during my one and only cup of coffee — because caffeine too can up my blood pressure even though there are conflicting studies — I use a battery-operated blood pressure cuff to monitor my number. Before going on vacation I was running right around 135/95. Yeah, not great, but when it used to be in the 170s/110s, better is much better, in this case.

But after running decent numbers for the last 45 days, I went on a four day vacation to see my best friend in Arkansas. The state is lovely, so welcoming, picturesque vistas in the mountains, great food and shopping, and I’ve never been called “ma’am” more in my life to make me feel both precious and… old. So we did both touristy jaunts to Memphis and low-key local haunts to the Ozark Country Market but during the excitement and adventure I started to feel something.

Stress. Fatigue. Anxiety. And… the headache.

When I had really high blood pressure, my head pounded. Constantly and unforgivingly. Note: I’ve never told anyone that. I thought maybe it was just time catching up with me. Looking back, I felt there was something wrong, but like many, I had a full plate of responsibilities, with children, work, home, and outside life. So I ignored the pain until I couldn’t anymore and I’d gone to one too many doctors and they’d noticed the abnormality until one finally was like, take the meds or have a stroke or die.

I want to live. So meds…lose weight…exercise…eat better. Yadda, yadda, yaaaadda.

I’ve gotten into a good routine and mostly moderation, minus a few days of decadence in life, but those are stress relieving as well. And the numbers came down, slowly, but surely. Can’t say if it’s the meds or the better living, but whatever it is, the doctor is/was happier. Are they ever truly happy? And I felt better, which is usually my personal litmus test for how I want to live my life.

And then I decide to go on vacation. Dun. Dun. Duuuun.

I love my friend. Like sister of my heart love. We laugh so much when we’re together. We tell stories of life, love, family, failing, achieving, searching for meaning, sharing secrets, and finding time for just amicable and relaxing silence.

But in the midst of all of this greatness, there is still the fact that it’s a vacation and I was out of my element. She and her husband make every effort to provide a lovely home and accommodations that rival any 4-star hotel, but there were still underlying issues that are typical of a vacation and why my blood pressure was back up to 149/99 this morning.

First, the unknown. Travel is a great unknown. Travel is something that most of us do and we face it without true and confirmable knowledge of what lies ahead. Whether it be by plane, train, auto, or teleportation — I really want this to become a thing so I keep talking about it in great hopes — we face obstacles and detours and roadblocks and scheduling changes and broken equipment and so much more. The stress of driving or flying eight hours away can cause exploded my blood pressure. What was supposed to take 8.5 hours on the way down, actually took 9 because of the “summer road construction hurry-up before fall and winter get here” mentality of the Midwest. I get it. Roads need to be replaced, but taking a three lane road down to one lane… not cool. Not cool at all Missouri Dept. of Roads.

Other unknowns are around accommodations, food, and entertainment. I’d really love to say that I’ll never be a victim of violence, but these days we have proof that too many find themselves facing their mortality when least expecting it. I passed by at least four accidents with ambulances outside of them this weekend. Four car crashes that might have had fatalities or injuries that could be life threatening. Tires blow out. Vehicles have mechanical issues. People are texting while driving — that’s for another story. There is so much out of our control that the anxiety that comes along with longer road trips or even shorter in town driving can raise anyone’s blood pressure. Including mine.

And when it comes to mass shootings, we all know that it can and will happen to someone we know and the effects can be life altering for those who live, not to mention the families of those who are victims. I’ve written on this subject in a past article and won’t rehash how devastating these events are…but they are.

What Parents Need to Know ASAP: School Shooting Aftermath

Food is a huge unknown, especially in a foreign place. If you have allergies — I have a gluten intolerance — it can be a struggle to first, convince your loved ones and travel companions that yes, that biscuit tastes so good, but you can’t have a bite unless you want to be in pain and agony for hours. And two, to make sure that restaurants take your dietary concerns seriously. By the way, found out that Latin American cuisine uses corn and yuca for dough and that, my GF and GI friends, is gluten-free in itself and delicious. The heavens will open up and your intestines thank you if you try a pastel de mandioca or a pupusa.

But sometimes you don’t think about it and you eat that fried donut hole that’s the size of your fist and you just live with the consequences… at least if you aren’t like allergic-allergic. But you still suffer. And so travel comes with consequences that aren’t just exhaustion and worry, but physical ones, too.

Second, schedule. I found out pretty quickly that my normal eating routine is pretty set in stone by my stomach and my past. I think my husband must’ve realized that I’m a scheduled eater because he sent me with a bag of basically gluten-free groceries. He also knows that I have food insecurity issues from childhood, so not having food available at all times — even if I never eat it — is important to helping me to feel comfortable and safe.

I don’t expect my friends to have extra food for me, but I also know that eating off schedule for me makes me… hangry. Grumpy and grouchy and not a lively friend. So when I say I’m hungry, it’s well past time for me to eat. I’ll remain calm until my head starts to pound and then I feel those feelings of my youth — the panic that there won’t be another meal, that my stomach will hurt and water won’t stop it, and that all the means in the world won’t fulfill the issue because it’s not about money at that point, it’s about access.

My friend knows I come from a poor upbringing, but she was middle class, so she probably doesn’t truly get how a schedule of meals really makes me feel comforted and secure. I don’t blame her. I blame me. I should’ve spoken up. They are reasonable people and they would’ve tried to make an effort, but when you’re traveling and going places, you just don’t always know if there will be time or you’ll be in the right area to eat nutritiously and expeditiously.

But also sleep is thrown for a loop. I’m relatively structured in my sleep habits as well. I find a 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. schedule suits my body and gives me the best energy levels. Traveling doesn’t always fit into those parameters. I’m often on the road or in the air to get the best timing around my other life commitments and leaving ultra-early or getting in really late to get the best fit for my budget. When I’m driving, I know that being behind the wheel for six hours is generally my maximum before I’m spent. I don’t know how long-haul truckers do it. They have all my respect. The road starts to look the same and I don’t realize I’ve gone miles in a trance state. They have a talent and a skill, that’s for sure.

But my schedule often gets messed up. Plus, sleeping in a foreign bed can be rough. Not to mention, the sounds of a new place. Our brick-sided house keeps out a lot of sounds that others around us hear in their houses with metal or composite siding. And different places have different sounds — trains, traffic, animals, past residual energies, and more. Getting used to these sounds can take some time. Time you don’t have if you’re just spending a few nights. Thus, sleeplessness and then lack of energy and then extra expended energy from sight-seeing and touristy events… it all starts a vicious cycle. Until you collapse either there or back home. It’s not a vacation, it’s exhaustion that you enjoy. Until you don’t.

Lastly, personal conflicts. We all have different opinions and lately, we’re being more vocal. Some of us are enjoying the state of our union and some of us want to make sweeping and wide changes to make it better for everyone. I’m the latter, not that it should matter. And I don’t always see eye to eye with my friend or my family, so it’s a delicate balance, especially if they’ve opened their home. Being a good guest can be holding your tongue and a lot of smiling when you feel like screaming. It’s knowing what buttons are worth pushing and what will cause a five-alarm disagreement. I don’t have many of these with my friend, but that’s because I know what is important to her and what’s important to me. Our friendship is important. We make sacrifices and we are allowed our own opinions, as much as they might not mesh… or make sense sometimes.

But keeping our thoughts and opinions in can cause an internal fight. We want to be heard. We want to have a voice. We want to change the world. We want to live in a world that has meaning to us. It’s a hard balance to know that someone feels and thinks so different from you and that you still want to appreciate their opinion even if you don’t agree. Anxiety is soon to follow and that blood pressure just climbs.

So I took a vacation, but it seems in many ways, the vacation took over me. Took my energy. Took my normalcy. Took my sharp tongue. Took my four days and maybe it’ll take me another four to recover and maybe more for my blood pressure to come back down.

I’d love to know how you truly find relaxation on vacations and if you find them as stressful as I do.

My newsletter can keep you apprised of my publications, speaking engagements and other writings you might enjoy. https://julesdixon.substack.com/

As a romance author, I live in a world of happily-ever-afters. I write them. I read them. I live them. I breathe them.

I find a way to bring two people, who fight against the odds of being a couple, together forever. If I don’t do my job, the hopeful lovers won’t get a fairy tale ending and readers are disappointed.

But real life can be disappointing, too. And finding love as an actual person can be much harder and discouraging than writing that happily ever after for a character ever is.

My husband and I have been together for thirty years, married for almost twenty-eight of those. And I will admit that the start and continuation of our relationship has been something out of a college romance, but it seems that this isn’t the way relationships happen these days.

I have some feelings on why that is, but that will wait for another day.

What I want to do today is talk directly to my almost twenty-three-year-old son about finding love.

Dear Son,

Yes, you’re going to roll your eyes and possibly text me with “WTF, Mom?!,” but I want you to know a few things about finding love and keeping that love growing and thriving.

First, the meet-cute of a relationship probably isn’t like in a romance novel or rom-com movie. That first contact takes… effort.

No, it’s probably not easy to put yourself out there, and today you have more issues to deal with. We didn’t have texting that convolutes meaning. We didn’t have dating apps where people tend to over-exaggerate their positives and eliminate their negatives. And we definitely didn’t have the career, social, and environmental pressures and issues that can interfere with even being able to get out there to find someone.

From what I hear, meeting someone in college is hard. And, son, I believe you. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

I’ve never heard of a person remembering someone who didn’t put himself or herself out there. Simply put, they can’t remember something you never did, and in general, if it doesn’t go well, they won’t remember that either.

Don’t worry. I’m not putting all the onus on you. Women need to step up and make a move, too. But if they don’t, there’s no reason you can’t.

So, what do you do? You be you. You be the sarcastic, but easy-going young man that I love. I know, I know… I have to love you according to you. But that’s the thing. If I love you, and your sister loves you, and friends love you (I know they do by their interactions), then there is a person out there who will love you romantically, too. It’s math and you know how much I hate math. But this just plain adds up. There are too many known variables not to come up with this conclusion and the conclusion is that you can make the effort to go up and talk to a young woman, or an older one, that’s up to you.

Genuine interaction is all about listening and contributing. Make eye contact, actively listen, and react to what the other person is saying with non-verbal confirmations — a smile, a nod, a grunt (a nice grunt, not like when you’re acknowledging that you’ll take out the trash).

When someone says something that makes you think, then respond, respectfully. Find common interests by the process of asking questions.

What if you’re the one starting the conversation? If you have to, make up a list of five questions — just five, not a hundred and five because then you’re avoiding actual accomplishment — that are inquiries to lead somewhere.

Where are you from? is good, but Tell me about a place from your hometown that is one of your favorites. And What are you studying? is interesting, but Why did you choose your degree? will make a better impression that you want to get to know people. Go deeper with your questions.

And when the person engages with you, answer questions honestly and openly. These are the only two ways to be when starting a new relationship. Authentic and unguarded. You be you.

Second, rejection is going to happen. And it’s going to hurt.

I think you’ve already had a couple of close encounters with at least attraction. You know, that magnetic pull between two people that readers love to devour and can really make for an exciting read?

And I believe you’ve experienced interest and shown interest in finding a partner. But I also hear you might have gotten a taste of the not so nice side of relationships, too. Here’s the thing. If someone doesn’t love you for who you are, they aren’t the right one. They never were. They’re the one missing out and maybe they’ll come to that conclusion and maybe they won’t, but you shouldn’t care either way.

When we get rejected, we wonder if putting ourselves out there is worth it. I want to tell how much it is. Love brings so much color into a person’s life. It paints dark times into bright memories you can’t forget. Love helps you realize how much you don’t know about yourself, especially when there is someone who can read you so well and calls you out on your B.S.

So, sometimes we really need to think about how we see ourselves and who we are. If we need a little work, then we put in the work. We eat right… okay, we eat better. Less Taco Bell or Qdoba and more salads with lean chicken and veggies. We get some exercise — yes, I know you and I will agree that exercise sucks — but it does make us feel better physically and mentally. We also focus on letting go of the past and hoping for the future.

I have so much hope for your future. I can see the success you’re going to have in life. Believe that the right person is out there and you have the power to make love happen.

Third, love takes more vulnerability than it does strength.

Love is about giving more of yourself than you ever thought you could to another person. It’s about dropping shields you’ve built over time. It’s about telling secrets and truths you don’t even dare to tell me.

And I want to be clear…the person who is the one must be more important to you than I am, by a long shot.

And no, it doesn’t hurt me to say that. I’m okay with knowing that I’m always your #1 Mom.

The right person will mean the world to you and you must give them the respect, reverence, and self-abandonment they deserve. Leave your ego, that thing that tells you how great you are and how you deserve so much, at the door (whatever door that may be — home, restaurant, work) be in the moment and tell that person how you actually feel whether it be about them or an emotion that’s bubbling inside of you. Be genuine and clear.

Third, love is the desire to see someone’s happiness until the end.

But when it comes to love and happiness, compromise and sacrifice aren’t the same things. Not by a mile. Compromise is a combined effort. It’s two people deciding to change something, each giving a little, to make the road better for the relationship. This isn’t easy. It takes practice and sometimes it takes trial and error, but in the end, the connection will be that much stronger because each person feels respected and valued in the relationship.

On the other hand, sacrifice means continually and always putting your happiness behind that of your partner’s. As I said above, love is the desire to see someone’s happiness through until the end. That means the other person should want your happiness as much as you want theirs. Sure, there might be a little sacrifice over time, but aim for a compromise, for finding that middle ground. If you find yourself giving in just to avoid confrontation or compromise, then it’s time to reexamine the relationship.

Relationships take practice, like everything else in life. Your father and I work for our happiness, both individually and together. We understand each other’s needs and find a way to communicate and breakthrough to compromise when it seems like an impasse has been reached. It’s that continued commitment to fighting for what we have when sometimes it would be so much easier to give up that keeps me in love with him.

You deserve love. You will make someone a wonderful husband and they will adore you.

And yes, you have every right to ignore everything I’ve just said. But I hope that you will listen to your mother one more time in life and hopefully, you’ll find something in here that will resonate with you and lead to your very own happily ever after.

Love, Mom

I invite you to join my newsletter to hear about updates with my writing and future speaking engagements. https://julesdixon.substack.com/

Password Invalid. No doubt you’ve seen those iconic words before. And if you haven’t, please leave a comment with your secret to the Universe.

Today’s technology should be seen as a blessing. However, there are too many ways that it doesn’t fulfill the trust level that we are expecting. Let’s break down three of the ones I’ve recently experienced.

1. Passwords

Every site has its own standard. And although I’m supportive of cyber and data security — my husband has worked in the IT security field for a major credit card processing company before, so I understand the importance — but I also know the password I entered and the variations on that password that I use.

When I get this message, “Password Invalid” or “Password not recognized.” I instantly have this feeling of both fear and regret. Fear that someone has possibly infiltrated my personal equipment and information. Is it me or is it an outside force?

And we have a right to question how and why it’s happening. After all, we can’t forget some of the biggest data breaches of this decade — Yahoo, First American Financial Corp, Facebook, and Equifax. Millions and sometimes billions of users had their information accessed from an unknown and infrequently a known source.

Data breaches sadly are becoming a common occurrence (CNBC.com)

And I often feel regret after my inability to access my information. As in, why did I trust this entity with my information? Granted, there is a possibility that they have requested my cat’s blood type, my second cousin’s favorite pizza topping, and a sample of my grandmother’s crocheting to set the password, and I’ve forgotten what information I provided. But I refuse to accept all of the onus. I’ve written these phrases and information down on paper before only to have to turn around and sign back in and be told that the password didn’t match the one on file. And a crack in my trust was created.

For the average consumer, a password manager probably isn’t necessary, but using the password memory system that comes with a browser isn’t always the smartest idea either.

As much as they’re convenient and save time, browser password managers offer a false sense of security, especially in the event of a browser breach (Maketecheasier.com).

So utilizing the one thing that makes it easier, leaves a consumer as vulnerable as almost nothing at all. No wonder we scrutinize the password we choose until we can’t remember it and some people still use 12345 or their birthdate or their address. It’s a system that’s not meant to simple for a reason, but on the user side, it’s not usable either. All of this adds up to both distrust of myself and whatever company had denied my access.

2. Credit/Debit Cards

That chip that was supposed to ail the world’s problems with fraud? At least that’s what was touted. But turns out, not so much. There are too many user loopholes in the system to really make a huge difference. Sure, it’s made capturing the actual credit card number harder at the point of sale device and during transmission, but in the last two years, my daughter’s card has been compromised twice and my son’s once. I have yet to face the security text from our credit card company or bank, but they have.

And for those who already have a level of anxiety that is heightened, these incidents can cause an escalation of unease. Knowing that your card has been compromised can cause a fight-or-flight response to the attack, especially if the associated account has had funds withdrawn. People living paycheck-to-paycheck cannot afford the disruption in financial security.

Additionally, identity fraud is at an all-time high.

An estimated 36 percent of identity theft victims reported moderate or severe emotional distress as a result of the incident (U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics).

The financial losses, as well as the personal emotional detriment, make financial fraud damaging to our trust of the financial system as a whole.

I’ve met millennials who operate on a cash-based living and not necessarily because they’ve ever been a victim of fraud, but because they don’t want the hassle and trust issues that come with being a victim.

I want to believe that chipped cards are secure, but I can’t. One, we don’t have chip readers at home. Thus, interactions, where my card number is inputted over the internet, may or may not be encrypted based on the website. I try to make sure the protections are in place and the site is valid, but sometimes the truth only comes out when something happens. Two, skimmers aren’t prevalent are still an on-going problem. Skimming is when a reading device is placed over or in place of the original magnetic stripe reader, like at gas stations and ATMs. Then the numbers are collected through these mechanisms.

Using a card anytime is opening a risk to theft of the actual card. Consumers have to weigh the risk of accessing their money versus inconvenience. It’s either access funds immediately or the inconvenience of having to withdraw and carry cash around, which sets forth another set of risk factors that draw anxiety.

It’s the trust that sometimes can never be retrieved after being a victim of fraud.

It’s hard to believe that something that shouldn’t have happened won’t happen again if the side that didn’t protect the consumer won’t take responsibility in the first place.

There has to be a better way, I just really wonder why the credit card companies, transaction processors, and financial institutions aren’t making changes. Perhaps there is something in the system that creates an incentive for fraud or makes reaction unnecessary from their perspective. I will do more research on this.

Using a credit card comes with risk. It’s mitigating those risks by using proper precautions to limit fraud and theft that can protect a consumer.

3. Internet.

The other day I was in a local teashop. I hadn’t asked for the Wi-Fi password and honestly, was being a little lazy. I was only going to be there for about an hour, but then an appointment canceled and I found myself with an open afternoon. Instead of burning through my data, I decided to get on their complimentary Wi-Fi. I looked at the choices and saw there was a “free” guest link and I hovered over that choice. But then I stopped.

They’d never had an open link before.

I walked to the counter and asked about the change. The looks on their faces were of confusion and disbelief. So I brought my computer over and showed the three choices: FreeTeashop, GuestTeashop and Teashop Private.

That FreeTeaShop was not theirs. It was a phony hotspot. At least the person used a different name, sometimes the hackers imitate the originals, which I suppose they could’ve been doing both. I decided access to the internet wasn’t necessary and did not access any of them. The risk was not worth the reward.

The owner was mortified, but it’s not like there’s Wi-Fi police so what could he do?

It’s becoming more and more common. But I could see that he was thankful I had brought it to his attention and since I’m a normal customer I will be back, but this really could’ve ruined a new customer experience.

By imitating a legitimate hotspot and tricking users into connecting to it, a hacker or cybercriminal can then steal account names and passwords and redirect victims to malware sites, phishing sites, etc. The perpetrators can also view the contents of files that the victims download or upload while they are connected to the Evil Twin access point (Lifewire.com).

I’ve also had people request to join my phone’s hotspot until I turned that “feature” off. Sometimes there was no one in the café or shop with me because I was alone, except for the employees. It was creepy. It was an invasion of a different type. It was thwarted intrusion, but I felt violated all the same.

After these two incidents, I trusted my instincts less and overall, I trusted Wi-Fi at locations less. I definitely question the validity and honesty of Wi-Fi now.

Since the 1970s, trust has been on a steady decline in society as a whole. People are questioning more and believing less. It’s sometimes good to be skeptical, but when it comes to technology do we really have another choice?

We’re trapped between being connected and able to interact and protecting our personal information. As technology advances, we may have to decide which is more important and how much we are willing to risk to accept what is latest-and-greatest.

I invite you to join my newsletter to hear about updates with my writing and future speaking engagements. https://julesdixon.substack.com/

References:

BJS.gov. Victims of Identity Theft 2014. Erika Harrell, Ph.D. Retrieved August 10, 2019 from https://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/vit14.pdf.

CNBC.com. 5 of the biggest data breaches ever. Kenneth Kiesnoski. Retrieved August 9, 2019 from https://www.cnbc.com/2019/07/30/five-of-the-biggest-data-breaches-ever.html.

Lifewire.com. The Dangers of Evil Twin Wi-Fi Hotspots. Retrieved August 10, 2019 from https://www.lifewire.com/dangers-of-evil-twin-wi-fi-hotspots-2487659.

Maketecheasier.com. Are Browser Password Managers Safe? Elsie Biage. Retrieved August 9, 2019 from https://www.maketecheasier.com/are-browser-password-manager-good-enough/.

Omaha, Nebraska, like a lot of cities, is known for two seasons:

Winter and Road Construction.

The later is almost worse than the former.

Roads need to be improved after harsh winters and the sweltering heats of summer, much like our lives need constant maintenance, too. A road that is used regularly will start to deteriorate, and if we live the same day over and over, eventually there will be cracks in the surface of our happiness and enjoyment of life.

I started to see cracks in my living in mid-June. A Groundhog Day kind of living that only gets less funny and more ironic over time. It was hard to notice that it had happened. I thought I was doing everything I should be. Working. House cleaning. Cooking. Gardening. Caring for the animals. But that was the problem.

I was only doing what was expected of me. Not what was unexpected by me.

I’m forty-nine, now. I was forty-eight back then. But the number on the calendar wasn’t the problem.

My issues stemmed from not putting anything new or different into each day. I was living ho-hum and very… comfortable. And comfort is the water that drowns creativity and excitement.

That’s when the action potholes started to appear.

I slept in a little later. I ate a little less healthy. I ignored signs of monotony and maybe even mild depression.

And just like the city decides to repair and replace roads, I decided to do the same with my life.

Now, I’m not saying that what I did pulled me out the next day. Not even close. It’s been 46 days since I started implementing changes, but I think that instead of filling the potholes, I’ve actually given my life a new perspective. I’ve ripped out the old pavement and put in concrete. Something permanent and strong that will help me to face the big-50 with renewed energy and purpose in the last half century (fingers crossed) of my life.

I have some ideas on how you can do the same.

1. Potholes can be jarring, protect your mind and body first.

At first, I wondered if anything was actually happening. It seemed possible that I was just living. Boring living, but living all the same. Then one day when I was outside feeding the chickens, one of them pecked me. Apparently, I looked like food that morning.

I glanced down and a trail of blood ran down toward my ankle. There was little pain, but I felt something else… a fear that I wasn’t feeling. Why am I not conscious of my body lately? I’d found bumps and bruises that I’d had no idea how I’d gotten. I’d ignored the numerous times I was staring into space and not focused. I decided to be more in the moment and protect the one vessel that I have to use.

Living in the moment — also called mindfulness — is a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present. When you become mindful, you realize that you are not your thoughts; you become an observer of your thoughts from moment to moment without judging them. Mindfulness involves being with your thoughts as they are, neither grasping at them nor pushing them away. Instead of letting your life go by without living it, you awaken to experience (Psychologytoday.com)

To be more mindful, I meditated again. Every morning, ten minutes. Every afternoon, ten minutes. Freaking out my neighbors by sitting in the middle of my yard and focusing on my breathing, but that’s their issue, not mine.

During my sessions, I would stop worrying and focus on what was right in my life. Having gratitude for what was happening that was going well. Making a concerted effort to forget about the past and things that hadn’t gone right. Using the mantra: I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’m on the right road, in the right direction, and with the right focus.

I saw my empathic energy healer three times. I absorb others’ feelings and emotions and allow them to bottle up inside of me. My daughter was having a hard time with some issues in life and I took on a lot of her stress and emotional energy. I needed to dispose of this energy, but sometimes I’m just not good at getting rid of it myself. So I see someone who helps me to scoop it into a pile inside of me and then poof, whisk it away. I always feel more centered and more in touch with my own feelings after I’ve seen my empathic energy healer.

If you’re not familiar with an empathic healer, I suggest you do a search and read about it and reserve judgment until you’ve tried it. I think an in-person session is best, but I’ve heard that many can conduct Skype sessions or phone conference calls for meetings as well.

2. Remember that the road can turn at any time.

During this time I started writing for Medium. One, a friend encouraged me to, believing in me that I had something to say. And two, I really liked the name of the site, and it seemed to fit what I was going for during this time of my life. With the alternative definition in play, I was living standard, not big, not small, just medium.

For the past six years, I’ve written almost exclusively fiction. Romance. That’s my focus and I’ve hit some pretty good high notes, but after writing a non-fiction how-to for authors, I felt a calling. I’d always loved academic writing: the research, the outlining, the development of a thesis, the information dissemination, and the conclusion. Finding myself in a new topic conundrum each time.

Plainly. I missed it. So this was the perfect way for me to have some balance and my friend knew it without me knowing it. I was doing something I loved, but wasn’t quite right.

Imbalance can come out of nowhere. Make sure you are willing to make a change. Think of the adventure as bringing back balance, not adding to the imbalance. You deserve to be happy in your career.

I’m much happier now while doing both fiction and non-fiction and have really found the non-fiction has spurred my fiction writing, too.

3. Mix up your daily route.

I decided to start exercising. Wait, nope, that wasn’t right. I exercised. See — sometimes it’s how you say something vs. what you say that can lead you to a different way of thinking.

I walked my nephew’s dog almost daily. There were some days when it was 110+ degrees, so those days were a big not gonna happen. But on the days around or below 90, he and I did one or two walks a day. Not long ones, but ones nonetheless.

But I decided to let Lucius, the spunky 5-month-old Vizsla, make the decisions on which way we would go. Until…one day when we were walking and there was a section of sidewalk that had been torn up for replacement. Lucius stopped and seemed very confused as to why there wasn’t any more sidewalk, so he sat down and looked up at me. I encouraged him to follow me. We stepped into the road and walked around the blockage in our path. He was so excited to be back on concrete and a path. Sure, we could have turned around and walked back the way we came, but I made the conscious effort to keep moving forward because we’d already been there and done that stretch behind us.

The movement to continue forward made me think about all the times when I just gave up. Like Lucius I pretty much sat down and said this isn’t going to work. I could have found a way around the problem, but I didn’t. This attitude pretty much explains about ½ of my unfinished works. There was a plot point or character that just wasn’t working, so I gave up.

I opened up a couple of old projects and re-read them. One was crap. The other was good, just needed some changes. Transformations I could make and then feel really good about the story.

Don’t be afraid to take look back, but keep moving forward. The path might not be the one you expected but the journey might end up being one you love.

4. Detours are a good thing.

This one is actually courtesy of the City of Omaha Roads Department. We have so much road construction. So much. Seriously, it’s unavoidable on any trip, and I have learned that if the GPS says the normal route that normally takes ten minutes is gonna take twenty today… Believe it!

I got stuck in traffic hell in July. I’d sat in the same place for fifteen minutes and there was no sign of us moving. Granted, I know that in big-big-big cities like Dallas, L.A., NYC, and Atlanta, this amount of time is nothing, but here, where we say you can “get anywhere in fifteen minutes” — which is a little bit of an insider Omahan joke, but also pretty close to true — anything over ten minutes of sitting still and there is always a better or at least alternate way to go.

So I did. I started driving through neighborhoods and exploring alternate routes. I realized the rut that I’d been in by taking the same route to places I frequented. I felt refreshed on the drives. I became less concerned with the destination and more with the journey. I waved at people I didn’t know. Yes, some of them looked at me cautiously, but I found that what used to take me ten minutes, often only took me a couple of minutes more but with better scenery and less stress.

Detours force us to explore new opportunities. When we can’t go in the direction we anticipated, we’ve got to switch gears and adapt. We have to resource inner strengths that we never knew we were capable of accessing. When we achieve the “unthinkable”, we discover who we really are (Lifehack.org)

And…I spent less money at the end of the month. Why? Because I wasn’t going by those shopping malls that I would frequent only because I was near. Not because I needed anything, but to “browse” or “window shop” which always meant a drink purchase or snack while I walked around. In effect, the detour helped me put money in my wallet. Or at least keep it there.

Make an effort to think of a detour as an opportunity to explore your world and learn something new. Detours can open windows and keep your wallets closed.

5. The road less traveled.

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Excerpt from “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost

How many times have we heard this saying that’s basically a twisted and distorted quote from Robert Frost’s poem? It’s kind of a standard when it comes to making changes in our lives. And as much as I can’t agree totally with going off the main path, I also don’t disagree because that is when we can find the most inspiration and excitement in life.

When was the last time you did the opposite of what you wanted to do? When you wanted to take the easy way, the direction of least opposition and maybe call it good before you actually knew the project was…good? This down period of my life was a time when I found myself examining what it was that I wanted from my career, friendships, relationships, and myself. And that last one is always the harder look than any others. I tend to play it safe.

And that’s where my son comes into the picture. We both have a love of Formula 1 racing. He’d told me that his college Formula 1-style racing team was going to do a local autocross event and asked if I would come to watch him drive. Of course!

It was the weekend after the 4th of July and we were ready to get away from the constant barrage of fireworks that Omahans are known for. We traveled the three hours to the town where they were competing. Got parked and noticed that the trailer for the team wasn’t there, but the car that my son uses that is still mine technically, a 2014 Ford Mustang, was. And it had numbers on the side in blue painters tape — 24 — in honor of his sister’s birthdate, which I’m sure was meant to be part of his con job.

I quickly texted him in a frantic state: Why does my car have numbers on it?

Minutes went by and finally we see him walking toward us as we sat in our lawn chairs and watched others take the course, whipping around the figure 8 and in and out of cones.

The team was unable to get a truck from the motorpool to transport the race car because of the holiday, so…

Pleeeeeease… was his plea.

Instantly I was a hard “Hell, no.” But then I remembered where I’d been for the last half a year. How hard I’d fought against exploring and being adventurous.

So I told him, “Okay, but pleeeeeeease, don’t wreck it.”

Halfway through the competition he walks over and says, “Mom, I want you to ride with me.”

Again, I fought myself. “Nope. I’m good. Have fun.”

It was my husband that said, “You will regret it if you don’t.”

We’d already discussed that we would put the brakes on our son ever racing my car again, so this was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I got into the car. Helmet on. Seatbelt on. And I held on for dear life.

For 81 seconds of my life, I didn’t breathe, but I did live. One of the most invigorating and thrilling things I’ve ever done in my life.

Just doing that one thing inspired me to get back to writing in a racing series I’ve been working on that benefits his racing team. They deserve to have their happily ever after, too.

So, don’t say ‘no’ take the road you wouldn’t have journeyed. Make your life go zero to sixty in 4.7 seconds. And if needed, go find an autocross race near you and ask for a ride-along. You’ll be amazed what a thrilling and wobbly-kneed ride will do for you.

I’m not a changed person. I’m still me. But I have made changes and I think that’s what this story is meant to be. If you’re in that rut, if you’re looking at your life as a repetitive scene from that famous February 2nd movie, then stop what you’re doing and do it different.

Other articles that inspired me and might interest you:

• Empath Medicine: Emotional healing and releasing the past with love
• 5 Reasons Why You Need a Website if You Write for Medium

References:

Psychologytoday.com. The Art of Now: Six Steps to Living in the Moment. Jay Dixit. Retrieved August 8, 2019 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200811/the-art-now-six-steps-living-in-the-moment.

Lifehack.org. How to Turn Life’s “Detours” Into the Best Road Trip of Your Life. Amy Oestreicher. Retrieved August 8, 2019 from https://www.lifehack.org/414501/how-to-turn-lifes-detours-into-the-best-road-trip-of-your-life

We tend to think that today’s world is a scary time. And don’t get me wrong, it is. It’s downright terrifying to be a child these days. But if people think that it was so much different forty years ago, I will tell you about the three events of my childhood that still plague me to this day. Even just thinking about one of them makes my heart palpitate and my stomach roller coasters like I’m sitting in the seat and not on solid ground.

These events don’t just happen and fade into the distance. At least not for me. They have built up walls in my life. They have affected how I connect with people. They have altered my actions.

Childhood trauma is when a child feels gravely or mortally threatened by an event either personally endured or witnessed from an outside perspective. There are many kinds of trauma.

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network breaks it into twelve types, including bullying, intimate partner violence, disasters, physical, terrorism and violence, and sexual abuse. Of these, one is not worse than the others in scale. They all take a toll on a child’s ability to deal, causing anxiety, health issues, depression, and self-esteem issues. And those effects are documented to reach into adulthood, too, leading to feelings of anxiety, worry, or helplessness, higher rates of anxiety and self harm, and development of what is called “heightened stress response,” which impacts their ability to regulate their emotions leading to sleep issues, immune problems, and other physical illnesses (Istts.org).

These incidents don’t have to happen over and over to make a lasting effect and that is what I’ve found. These three events have followed me through my adulthood as ones that I’ve never gotten over.

The first incident involved a phone call. Now, in my family answering the phone was an honor. My father dictated how we answered the phone. “Good morning/afternoon/evening, XYZ residence. Jules speaking.” If you didn’t answer it that way, you were admonished and your privilege to answer was taken away. I don’t know why it was such a big deal, but it was.

One night, the phone rang about 9:30 pm. Now, there were other rules with the phone. If it was a call before 7 am or after 9 pm, it was only for the adults because someone was either dead or dying. That, unfortunately and weirdly, is pretty much true. People respected each other’s boundaries of time and the evening was for families and relaxing.

In this incident, I believe I was twelve and my father was outside so my mother directed me to answer it, even though it was late.

I picked up the phone, answered exactly as directed, and heard this:

“Oh, I know which one you are. You’re that skinny little one with the big green eyes. There are lots of things I’d like to do to you. Do you know what I’d like to do to you and your sister, too?”

I answered. “No, sir.” One, because I had no idea where he was going, and two, I was taught to answer adults when they ask a question.

And then the things he said to me weren’t ones I’d ever write on paper. Seriously, extremely depraved and positively evil garbage spilled from the man’s mouth. I gasped and stood frozen. Here I’d done exactly as my father had instructed and on the other end, I was met with a monster.

My mother saw my reaction and asked who it was.

The monster must have heard her because he laughed and said, “I’m just kidding, but if you tell anyone what I said, I’ll kill you and your sister. Tell your mother it’s Frank XXX and let me talk to your father, you little…”

And he called me a word that I’ve (almost) never said in my life because I find it so vulgar. And I can swear with the best of them, believe me. But this word crosses a line and definitely, it’s a black and white line with a pre-teen.

By then my father had returned inside and I held the phone out to him with a shaking hand. I couldn’t say a word. I ran to my room and cried until I fell asleep. My mother tried to console me, but I couldn’t even explain what had happened.

I can’t remember exactly what he said in those probably thirty to forty-five seconds of describing his desired cruel escapades. But I remember the sentiments and how they made me feel violated and distrusting of men.

The second incident happened when I visited my aunt in Boulder, Colorado as a freshman in high school. My aunt had to work for some of the days while I was there so I was left in the care of her, I think at that time boyfriend but might’ve been husband. I’ll call him boyfriend because I hate to think that she was ever married to him. Note: They’ve since divorced and you’ll find out maybe why.

The boyfriend asked me if I wanted to accompany him into Denver to go see one of his friends. I believe he needed help fixing his vehicle. I was bored and had visited the local mall about ten times in the last five days, so I said sure and we headed out. Now, this guy didn’t give me a bad feeling or any indication that he was a creep. I’d watched him and several of my relatives get high the previous weekend, and that was in front of a fourteen-year-old me and several young children, so I wasn’t so thrilled with any of them. Granted, I’m not against enjoying yourself, but out of the sight of impressionable young minds until they can be fully informed is definitely desired.

I was going to find out that his fondness of pot was the least of the secrets I’d be keeping from my parents… and also, my aunt.

We get to his friend’s house and he introduces me to a girl a couple of years older than me. I’ll call her Annie cause I can’t remember her name, after all this was thirty-five years ago. Annie took me into her bedroom and we talked about bands and things we liked and disliked. I’d gotten my hair cut while in Colorado and she was jealous. It was this whole asymmetrical cut that back in my tiny hometown caused quite the hubbub — that’s small town for “It looked too city-girl. Not good Mom and Dad. Not good.” All with a shake of their head.

But anyway…

Annie and I were bonding nicely and the topic of heartthrobs came around. She’s going on about the normal ones back in the mid-eighties, including Wil Wheaton, River Phoenix, and the Corey’s. I chose Haim. She chose Feldman. We bonded.

Until…

She said, “You know who else is hot?”

I asked, “Who?”

“Your uncle. I rode the bus to Boulder and we #$%#$ last week. But don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret.”

Yes, the #$%#$ means what you think.

I don’t remember anything…not a word…of what she said after that. I stood up, told my uncle I was getting sick, and in ten minutes, we were on our way back to Boulder. And from that point on, if I was going to be alone with him, I was alone behind a locked door.

I do have some remorse about not telling my aunt, but come on, I was fourteen, naïve as all get out because my parents liked me that way, and I didn’t know if she’d be mad at me or even believe me.

There are many reasons why a child doesn’t tell about a traumatizing incident including being believed, feeling protective of the abuser, and punishment (Stopitnow.org).

This is a general theme of children when they are traumatized. Believing in a child is the one thing that can make a huge difference in how they continue down life’s rocky road as a well-adjusted (not that I love that term) adult and have relationships that include trust and affection, both of which are documented to be damaged by abusive relationships and events.

The last incident happened when I was in my senior year of high school. I helped out in the library. I loved the librarian. She was sweet and kind and really encouraged me. Thanks, Karen. But the librarian wasn’t there that day, so yes, as a senior, I was put in charge of the library. But that day turned out to be my last to ever step foot in that room.

I was putting away books and I thought someone was behind me, but I was leaning over to file one on a lower shelf and didn’t look. Before I knew it a broom handle was lifting my cheerleading skirt and the janitor was getting an eyeful what lay below.

Never in a million years would I have thought that this nice old man would do something like that. I pushed the cart forward and ran from the room. I cried in the bathroom until the next period. I never went back into that library. Never. Ever. And I loved books. Like crazy loved books.

And that’s the thing that I want to share from all these horrible incidents of assault, verbal or otherwise, and misbehavior on those men's parts. My life was changed. My ability to go places, do things without having a horrible memory attached, and to act in a mature way was swept away by these events. My trust in men was altered in very subtle ways that are insidious to this day. For instance, I don’t like men standing behind me. I find answering the phone to be trying and cheating has become a hard no for me in any relationship.

I did therapy for two years in my early forties and worked through a lot of these issues, coming to terms that by altering my behavior I gave them the power over me still. It wasn’t easy and I find myself slipping back into my developed coping and protective mechanisms.

I know that there are far worse abuses out there, but we have to stop thinking in terms of gradients of trauma and start thinking about the child behind the pain first. Any trauma is bad. Any trauma causes lasting effects. Any trauma shouldn’t happen.

I encourage you to find peace with your past and please, don’t let the past define your worth, your happiness, or your future. And if you have children…please, ask them to be honest with you and please listen and believe them.

I invite you to join my newsletter to hear about updates with my writing and future speaking engagements. https://julesdixon.substack.com/

References:

Istss.org. Effects of childhood trauma on Adults. Retrieved August 7, 2019 from http://www.istss.org/public-resources/what-is-childhood-trauma/effects-of-childhood-trauma.aspx

Stopitnow.org. Why don’t children tell if they have been abused? Retrieved August 7, 2019 from https://www.stopitnow.org/faq/why-dont-children-tell-if-they-have-been-abused

Every week, I see another prompt in a Facebook group that goes something like this:

Yes, as with every year, or month, or, it seems like, week, it’s announced (does anyone really know for sure?) that Facebook is making changes to algorithms and those changes could (maybe, possibly) profoundly (or minimally, depending on who you talk to) change how reactions to a post make the post visible or hidden.

I recognize the purpose for those changes may be to manage clickbait and spammy type posts and limit propaganda and misinformation, but if you’re a valid person, organization, or group and you are putting out worthwhile and relevant content to your audience, there is no reason to worry about reactions. You’ll desire honest reactions. You’ll want to build genuine connections. You’ll appreciate comment interactions as well as emotive icons, no matter what they are.

However, that meme and the corresponding escalation of words with it, that is an intimidation tactic and emotional invalidation, and I’m not falling for it.

When we respond to Facebook posts with our choice of an emotive icon — also known as emoticon — we are giving an external representation of our feelings. There are only so many of these emoticons to choose from, so by telling someone that their angry reaction to a post isn’t a valid one or is an unacceptable reaction, it’s taking away their sense of ownership of their emotions. It’s diminishing their authority over their reactions and autonomy of personal choice. It’s a form of manipulation and control. And much like in an abusive relationship, it’s hard to recognize this type of abuse.

It can seem harmless. But it’s not.

And maybe it’s not meant to be toxic. But it is.

“We know that something doesn’t feel right, but we can’t put our finger on it. One reason that we’ve learned to think that invalidation is ‘normal’ is because it is so common. It might be common, but it’s not healthy.” — psychopathsandlove.com

And it’s definitely not acceptable. Those who have been victims of trauma already have enough challenges with authenticating and determining their feelings. They struggle to understand their base emotions, much less nuanced ones.

“Emotional invalidation is when a person’s thoughts and feelings are rejected, ignored, or judged.” — blogs.psychcentral.com

This invalidation can be verbal, written, or non-verbal. And yes, this emotional invalidation can be accidental or without malice, but that still doesn’t make it right. Every person is allowed their independent thought, regardless of what a Facebook algorithm will do with their opinion and reaction. And no one should tell us how to react or feel.

Society shouldn’t encourage people to indicate a laughing face when they want to be angry about something. Society shouldn’t mandate that people use the heart icon when they just want to say, “I like this and I’m moving on.” Society shouldn’t say, “You can’t feel sad or angry,” because again, that’s telling the person that they aren’t allowed their independent feelings. It confuses people into thinking that their reaction isn’t appropriate, and then they become anxious. This is a vicious cycle that can lead to constant anxiety from not understanding their own base reactions and the world around them.

It’s clear that free will has taken a hit with this meme and the corresponding decree.

This removal of personal choice can cause stress to those who already have issues with social media and bullying. I consider this a form of emotional abuse. There is a demand that a person reacts or use a certain method to react, and I see ramifications if someone goes against the demanded norm.

Every emotion is valid. Even ones on Facebook. Even ones in an email to your boss. Even ones said to your significant other. All.

We as a society need to remember those people who have faced a previously abusive relationship that told them their feelings weren’t appropriate. Or someone who has problems deciphering social norms and becomes anxious from being forced into a reaction. And since others can see how someone has reacted by hovering over the emoticons, people could be chastised for their genuine reaction to a meme, a post, a comment, etc. This might cause social humiliation and, again, additional invalidations of their feelings or at least regret for their reaction. This is how we get people who bottle up their emotions and then one day burst like Vesuvius.

In the end, I don’t care what Facebook’s algorithms think about my reaction and you shouldn’t either. Their business is to get views so they get advertising dollars. But my reaction is mine. And yours is yours. It’s ours to own, and no one should tell us it’s wrong or not to feel it.

The post above was on a public-facing page for a local authors group that I’m a part of. I’ll indicate my displeasure with this tactic to the president of the chapter, and I’m hoping the post will be removed. However, if it isn’t, I want people to understand that the mutual respect that comes from acknowledging someone’s emotions is huge.

Let me rephrase that.

When you respect someone’s emotions, not whether you validate or approve of their reaction, but when you respect them, you are creating a social pact of kindness and care.

And don’t we need more kindness and care in our lives?

I’d love to know what your take on the subject of emotional invalidation is.

References

Psychopathsandlove.com. Invalidation: I Refuse to Have This Discussion. Adelyn Birch. Retrieved August 5, 2019 from http://psychopathsandlove.com/invalidation/.

Blogs.Psychcentral.com. The Emotionally Sensitive Person: understanding Invalidation. Karyn Hall, Ph.D. Retrieved August 5, 2019 from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/emotionally-sensitive/2012/02/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience/.

Don’t Use Facebook’s Algorithm Changes to Intimidate Your Community was originally published in Better Marketing on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

My childhood was spent as a poor kid. Deep in poverty. My father was an auto and body mechanic who had problems with collecting on bills, allowing people to take advantage of him, and my mother had severe undiagnosed depression that kept her housebound and anxiety-filled most days. Together they earned less than five figures a year total for most of my childhood years, with a family of five.

While my childhood would be viewed by most as “normal” from the outside, on the inside it was anything but. We had clothing, although it was mostly hand-me-downs and garage sale finds. We had a house, albeit one that my maternal grandmother financed so we wouldn’t end up homeless. And we had we had our smiles.

That smile was a façade for our fears and the anxiety that came along with being financially unstable.

Those days were literally feast or famine.

I didn’t know how poor we were until one night when my mother had been crying for hours. I asked her what was for dinner and she said “Nothing. There is nothing.” As much as I probably should’ve appreciated her honesty, it wasn’t something that should ever be said to a child. Her fear and anxiety over being able to provide then coursed through me. Those words continued to haunt me through my teen years and even into my adulthood with a myriad of issues, but that’s not what this story is about.

This story is about the five lessons I learned from living in poverty and how I’ve come to realize that being middle class now has taught me so much less.

Lesson 1- Money might not buy happiness, but it can buy food.

Being poor is uncertainty in many ways. Not the least is food insecurity. Today, one in six families don’t have enough to eat. I can’t say if it was worse back in the 70s and 80s, but it wasn’t better from my perspective.

Food insecurity often isn’t about having nothing to eat but it’s about not knowing how much or when you will have food to eat. When I was a child we pooled food resources with my mother’s sister and my grandmother. They raised chickens, rabbits, and at one time, I believe a goat for milk. Yes, the first two animals were for food. But even with that, there were only so many of them and we got parts, not wholes of the animals.

I remember many nights of having a fried egg for dinner. One egg. Nothing else. I also remember that normal meals for us were macaroni with tomato soup (which isn’t as bad as it sounds, but it’s not nutritious either) with a piece of bread and butter and one can of green beans for five people. I’ve figured out the calorie content of that meal… 287. And probably more like 200 for us children and mother because our father always received a double serving of the main course and sometimes an additional piece of bread but never the kids. Even if we expressed hunger, we were quickly dismissed and sent back outside or to our room to play.

Ultimately, our parents couldn’t stand to hear the pleas for more, so they chose not to.

Lesson 2- Many people with limited financial means make questionable financial decisions and extravagant purchases out of the need to “show off.”

My parents, mostly my father, made extremely odd and sometimes very selfish purchases of unnecessary and expensive items. We never had new cars. Being a mechanic, my father pieced together decent cars, most of the time. They had their issues, including I don’t remember any one of them having air conditioning. And if it did, there were many excuses why we couldn’t use it including the cost of gas, which was about $.36 in the 70s and $1.19 in the 80s, so not extreme, but still, a tank did take an investment, at least to my father and gas was to be used wisely. Tires were purchased at the junkyard and parts sourced from the same to save money.

But one Christmas, I believe 1982, he purchased a Commodore 64 “for the family” and then proceeded to invite almost everyone in the town — all 200 people at that time — over to “see his new toy.” That computer probably cost more than he made all month, $595, but when people would oooh and ahhh at the piece of equipment he was so happy and seemed to believe he’d made it by having this one item in our lives.

I remember that Christmas being a good one, but I figure that might have been due to a new credit card in hand. Which was a lesson being poor taught me, too. Credit isn’t always good or needed. Keep finances in check and don’t overspend. Limit and monitor cards and lines and you’ll always be better off.

But why do those living in poverty spend this money that might be best spent on basics — food, shelter, clothing?

“The poor are skeptical about their supposed opportunities, and the possibility of any radical change in their lives…Therefore, they focus on the here and now, on living their lives as pleasantly as possible, and on celebrating when the occasion demands it.” (Interculturalmeanderings.wordpress.com, Banjeree & Duflo)

This quote totally summarizes the mindset of those living in poverty to me. My father believed that if he had it, he had to spend it and why not on something that would impress and possibly make himself feel good. This is why we ended up with many odd items but ate meagerly at dinner. That $595 for that computer would have paid for several weeks of food, adding in some nutritious fruits and vegetables that were rarely on the menu.

Lesson 3-They always had their personal vice fulfilled.

This one has been a major reason for me being in therapy. I know, that sounds odd, but here’s the deal…

They always had cigarettes, even if we didn’t have food.

I’m not sure what more I can say about that, but I guess research has something to say.

In the U.S., people living below the poverty level and people having lower levels of educational attainment have higher rates of cigarette smoking than the general population (Cdc.gov)

I still can’t believe how much money my parents have spent on cigarettes over the years. They both started smoking around 1964. If their pack a day habit costs approximately $2292 a year, then over twenty years of smoking, if that money was put into investments instead of burning it up in smoke and laid there in ashes — literally — they would accumulate over $100,000, figuring a 7 percent return (Thebalance.com). Imagine that for five-plus decades…that could be well in the $200,000 range that they could have for retirement. But nope. To them that high was more important that saving money, the health of themselves or their children, or providing the basics of life.

And I’ve seen that unhealthy habit transfer to other family members, too. Although I was able to get out of it and have never smoked, and never will, I think addiction is somewhat chemically ingrained to almost make them impervious to what’s right and wrong when it comes to this. This addiction has made me cautious of what I put into my body.

As a child I knew that it was wrong that we had no food and they had their cigarettes, and I still know it.

Lesson 4- Motivation and acceptance issues.

There were days when my father didn’t work. Weeks. Months. No, poverty does not make people lazy. No, poverty doesn’t make them not want to work, but when you don’t get out of poverty by working, it can be defeating. Poverty does tend to lead people to depression, which can lead to poorer health decisions and health issues. And simply, those in poverty tend to work in conditions that people with education and means do not.

From my experience those with less means tend to be more accepting of people, in general, there are of course exceptions, but really in our town, the people with more money were more closed off and stuck to themselves. I saw this many times. My parents would let people sleep in our basement who just wandered into town. And sometimes those people would take advantage of my parents, but it seemed my parents almost enjoyed it. They invested in schemes that never panned out. They purchased lots of junk that they never needed to fill some hole inside of them. And although I think they thought they were doing the right thing, it really only transferred the wealth in their small circle of friends.

I have taken a similar vision about people, accepting all and finding purpose in serving others. But when it comes to my money, I don’t put it into things. We have a small house with only things we truly love in it. I don’t accept donations or hand-me-downs anymore, but selectively choose clothing and furniture based on the item being the right piece. Gifts are either used or put into a container and re-gifted to someone else. I figure, if it wasn’t meant to be mine, maybe it was meant to be someone else’s. We put our money into our children’s futures, our retirement, and events, travel, and experiences.

Also, after living in poverty, I have an acceptance of the fact that I won’t ever be rich. I don’t go for get rich quick schemes, which many in poverty refuse or decline to see how their money can be better spent and want that quick high of having money in their pocket.

“Twenty-eight percent of Americans who earn less than $30,000 a year play the lottery at least once a week. They spend $412 a year on tickets. (cbsnews.com)”

I play the lottery once a year, usually when someone else is going to get the tickets and is only asking for $5–10. I use it as a carrot. I can only do this…when…I get 5000 words written today. And if that goal is fulfilled, the possibility happens. But I don’t dream about winning. My realism from being poor makes me appreciate what I have.

And although I suffer from seasonal depression, I face my mental health issues and have gotten help. Being poor doesn’t allow for healthcare and up until age twenty-one, when I married my husband, I never had insurance. So having some means and understanding that putting money into quality insurance is important.

Lesson 5- Teachers, school staff, clergy, group leaders, and even doctors ignored my circumstances to my detriment.

Granted, I don’t blame those people for looking the other way. But I do find concern that this probably still happens far more often than we believe. For instance, the “No Child Left Behind” program sounds good, but it ignores socioeconomic factors.

In many states, large numbers of schools with needy students have ended up labeled as “failing” under No Child left Behind. State officials may respond to their apparent failure by cutting resources for public schools. Or officials may simply lower standards for all schools in the state (scholars.org)

Not only are poor students more likely to not have good nutrition that hinders learning, but also they don’t have the support mechanisms for doing better either. Their parents may not have advanced degrees or have education themselves or see value in having them.

When it came to medical personnel, when we did go to the doctor, they pretty much ignored our circumstances and acted like I wasn’t underweight and my sister didn’t have teeth issues. If they’d have asked, maybe my parents would have at least accepted help.

But my father was too proud to ask for help and my mother was admonished if she even suggested finding assistance. This definitely showed me that pride can be a downfall. We all need help every once in a while. Pride is a universal factor unrelated to your financial status, but when you don’t have money it’s a double-whammy in that you won’t accept help, but you’d never ask for it anyway.

I still hate seeing my parents living in poverty. They have separated and live independently now. My mother accepts assistance because she has to. I talk about living through a gray divorce in this story. https://medium.com/@julesdixon/the-black-and-white-of-gray-divorce-surviving-parental-divorce-as-an-adult-ca8087386251.

I myself am middle class. I have two Bachelor degrees as a first-generation graduate. I was a stay-at-home mom for most of my adult life. I don’t wish I’d lived a different life, but I do wish that so many children didn’t have to face the same lessons I’ve already learned.

References:

CBSnews.com. Who Buys Lottery Tickets? Those Who Can Least Afford Them. Retrieved August 4, 2019 from https://www.cbsnews.com/news/who-buys-lottery-tickets-those-who-can-least-afford-them/

CDC.gov. Cigarette Smoking and Tobacco Use Among People of Low Socioeconomic Status. Retrieved August 4, 2019 from https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/disparities/low-ses/index.htm.

Interculturalmeanderings.wordpress.com. “Foolish Spending Habits” of the Poor-Now explained by Economists. Retrieved August 4, 2019 from https://interculturalmeanderings.wordpress.com/2015/06/24/foolish-spending-habits-of-the-poor-now-explained-by-economists/.

Scholars.org. To Help Disadvantaged Children Learn, We Must Acknowledge that Poverty Hampers Education. Retrieved August 4, 2019 from https://scholars.org/brief/help-disadvantaged-children-learn-we-must-acknowledge-poverty-hampers-education

Thebalance.com. How Much Money Does Smoking Cost You. Retrieved August 4, 2019 from https://www.thebalance.com/how-much-money-does-smoking-cost-you-4143324.

What I Wish I Didn’t Know About Poverty: A Journey to Middle Class was originally published in The Startup on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Just over a year ago, I took into my care three Speckled Sussex chickens. With the help of the hubby and nephew, we painted and constructed an adorable hen house from a kit which is the picture above, and after about $300 spent at my local Tractor Supply on supplies, and a pair of designer muck boots that I still haven’t used cause they’re just too cute, I was ready to be a chicken lady.

My dream was to sit out back with my chickens, write and relax, and forget about my worries. But that’s not exactly what happened. I actually learned lessons from those clucking pecking wonders that I’d like to share.

1. Rise early.

Every morning. Every. Morning. Before the sun comes up, they’re making noise to get let out of their hen house and start foraging in the yard. Without effort, my chickens have taught me that getting up early is essential to a productive life. I’m now a go to bed at 10 p.m. and get up at 6 a.m. kind of person. All due to having chickens. Those cluckers have taught me how to get more out of my day by starting early. I never expected that.

In addition to being able to focus on goals and task lists without being interrupted by family members or coworkers, getting up early means that by the time you get to work or school, you’ve had hours to properly acclimate yourself to the day. You’ll be more alert during peak hours as a result. (Sleepadvisor.org)

There is so much to be gained by getting up early, including an additional 15 days of productivity in a year with just a one hour time adjustment. Yes, if you get up an hour earlier than normal for 365 days, you achieve over two weeks more time to get things done. Now I see why the hens want to kick off the morning early.

There are also other benefits to getting up early like alone time, increased creativity or inspiration, a more relaxed start to the day and possibly enjoying breakfast. I’ve found I’m much calmer and focused.

2. Get dirty.

I didn’t know that chickens roll around in the dirt to bathe and to fight mites, lice, and parasites, but also as entertainment. I don’t need protection from the ickies of the land, but I decided to do more digging in the dirt this year and see if I was more entertained and happy in life. And you know what? I really was.

I planted more flowers and vegetables this year. I cleared out areas of the yard that had overgrown with an unruly raspberry bush. I pulled weeds directly from the yard instead of using hot water to kill them. I got down on my hands and knees with the chickens and communed. I learned that being connected to the earth made me more conscious of other areas of my life.

Research supports getting dirty, too.

Often called the ‘farm effect’, researchers postulate that in our overly-sterilized modern world, developing immune systems don’t encounter enough bugs to learn how to regulate properly. Others have found evidence that there’s an exchange of DNA between soil microbes and those in our gut that positively affects immune function. (learn.eartheasy.com)

I like thinking that I’m farm affected and also possibly dirt infected, as well as experiencing the farm effect. It’s getting back to my farming roots of childhood, which seems many others are considering as well. “The annual National Gardening Survey finds the proportion of older gardeners is holding steady (35%) but younger households reached an all-time high in gardening participation.” (globenewswire.com)

Maybe we all just need to get back to the way our ancestors may have lived — raising chickens for eggs (and possibly meat) and planting a garden to sustain them during the summer and through the winter months.

3. Make noise.

When you’re happy…make noise. When you’re scared…make noise. When you’re hungry…make noise. When you’re laying an egg…make so much noise that neighbors four houses away show up to make sure that someone isn’t being attacked. True story. But they’ve taught me that there’s no reason not to speak up. It’s my world, too. I need to make some noise when I’m upset, unsatisfied, and in pain emotionally or physically. Life isn’t about being silent.

This started me thinking about finding my voice, in my writing, my relationships, and in my world. I started writing daily. I talk more with my husband about issues that matter to me, even if I know we won’t see eye to eye. I joined a political campaign and contribute both time and money to a candidate has a voice that is similar to mine.

Just 1 percent of Americans engage very often in eight or more of the activities — from attending town hall meetings to volunteering in the community to giving money to a cause or political candidate. (Theatlantic.com)

That’s a lot of people who don’t actively seek out activities that will give them more information and insight into who a candidate is and what that candidate stands for, the consequences of not knowing seem greater than the time given to finding out.

I love my chickens, and I think over time they’ve given so much more to me than eggs. I find a little more happiness in each day and hey, a fresh-egg omelet doesn’t hurt every morning, too.

Are you an early riser? What do you find you get done before your day starts? Love to hear your insights.

I invite you to join my newsletter to hear about updates with my writing and future speaking engagements. https://julesdixon.substack.com/

References:

Learn.eartheasy.com. The Health Benefits of Getting Dirty. Retrieved August 3, 2019 from https://learn.eartheasy.com/articles/the-health-benefits-of-getting-dirty/.

Globenewswire.com. Gardening Reaches an All time High: Your typical gardener is younger these days and has a lot of questions! Retrieved August 3, 2019 from https://www.globenewswire.com/news-release/2018/04/18/1480986/0/en/Gardening-Reaches-an-All-Time-High.html

Theatlantic.com. Only One Percent of Americans are Politically Active. Retrieved August 3, 2019 from https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/05/only-one-percent-of-americans-are-really-politically-active/425286/

Sleepadvisor.org. Benefits of Waking Up Early. Retrieved August 3, 2019 from https://www.sleepadvisor.org/benefits-of-waking-up-early/.

When it comes to doing my part, the efforts starts with small changes. One of the ways I’ve learned to both save my wallet from depletion and the earth from additional waste is to use every last bit of products that I bring into my home.

I was surprised how much toothpaste is left inside the tube after you squeeze it down. I was equally as dismayed with how much facial lotion is left in the jar after you’ve pumped it to where product stops coming out. And I was stunned how much conditioner is inside a container even after you’ve squeezed a hundred times. Now that I’m aware of the waste I was allowing, I get great satisfaction from utilizing the very last bit of ketchup — or any condiment — out of the container! Or any other product. There’s no reason to waste it, but what do you do with it?

Here are my top ten hints for maximizing things already in your cabinet long after you think they are done.

1. Ketchup. Yes, we’ll start here. First, when it stops squeezing, there is clearly product left inside. So when I know that it’s getting close, I make this ten ingredient recipe. By the way, I’m generally low-carb and gluten-free, except… when I’m not. This recipe is neither. Sometimes I power through, damn the consequences when it tastes this good.

Cheeseburger Casserole

Ingredients:

Half small onion, diced

1 lb. ground beef (90/10)

20–25 chopped dill pickle rounds

½ cup water

½ cup ketchup — You’re seeing where I’m going, right?

2 tbsp. mustard

1 ½ cups of shredded Monterrey jack cheese

1 can of crescent roll dough or biscuits

Pepper and salt

Instructions: Fry up the pound of 90% lean hamburger. While that cooks, cut up one onion and add it into the pan when the beef is about halfway cooked. Add in the pickles when it’s fully cooked. Take the water and carefully pour it into the ketchup container. Shake the dickens out of that ketchup bottle. You’re making ketchup slurry. Note: if the mustard is almost gone, split the water ½ and ½ between the two and shake like Taylor Swift is singing in your ear. Shake it Off!…the inside of the bottle that is.

Pour over the hamburger mixture and add the mustard, salt and pepper to taste, and 1 cup of the cheese. Mix until well blended and let simmer on low for at least five minutes to develop the flavors and cook down the sauce a bit. Pour into a 9” x 13” baker or 2-quart casserole dish. Top with the remaining cheese. Set crescent roll dough or biscuits on the top carefully pinch the open edges in the middle. It’s okay if the edges are a little open they’ll get nice and browned and the inside bubbles up. Bake for 25–35 minutes. Enjoy!

Voila, you just used every bit of ketchup (and/or maybe mustard) and it’s delicious. If you’re Keto or Gluten-free take off the top and just pile on more cheese. You can never have too much cheese. J

2. Lip gloss and lip treatments. After you’ve twisted the container to the top, there is always still some left down in there. You have two options. First, for both gloss and treatments, take a cotton-tipped swab and use it to dig out a small amount and use it as you would before. Or, save up a few of these almost depleted containers of lip gloss. Dig out the contents into a small bowl, heat in the microwave for 10 seconds at a time until liquefied, then pour that mixture back into one or more of the lip gloss containers that has been rolled back down. Put it into the fridge to set. Now you have more lip gloss!

3. Fabric softener sheets. You can reuse sheets. I run each sheet through two or three loads. Then after they’re done, use them to clean dust and lint off the dryer, front and back and the lint trap itself. Fuzz and dust are attracted to the sheet. Seriously, keep your dryer working for you by treating it nicely.

4. Soap in dispensers. When those pump dispensers get low, I add some water to them and I shake them really good. Sometimes you have to come back after a while and shake them a few times. Then use that soap slurry inside the toilet bowl, swipe with a brush, and flush. Not only does it work — it’s soap, after all — but it also smells good.

5. Mayonnaise. You can make a salad dressing right in the mayonnaise container. Here’s one I love to use on coleslaw. When the mayo gets to about ½ cup, add 3 tablespoons of white vinegar, ½ tsp. of red pepper flakes, 3 tablespoons of sugar, and salt and pepper to taste. Shake the dickens out of that jar to combine. Pour over bagged coleslaw or your favorite coleslaw mix with half a jalapeno cut up into tiny pieces. Mix to coat and let set in the fridge for at least 4 hours to develop the flavors. Remix and serve. And it’s so good with pulled pork sandwiches.

6. Hand lotion. Add body-safe coconut oil (or hard coconut oil briefly heated in the microwave to liquefy) to the bottle, again — shake! Then apply in the shower right before you step out. I swear, you will never feel softer skin. Do run the shower for a minute after to wash any you got on the floor down the drain and be careful the next time you use the shower because it can be slick.

7. Toothpaste. Cut that sucker open. Cut the flat end off first, then slice it down the long way to toward the twist off end. Then every day for a week or more, scoop out a little to brush your teeth. Put the sliced open toothpaste tube into a sealed container to keep it fresh. Another idea is to scoop the content out using an old toothbrush and use it to clean your sink and around the handles. The grit factor will clean off all the gunk and the toothbrush will get into all those little crevices. A tube will last for a week or more after you “think” that it’s run out.

8. Olive oil. When the container is almost done, mix 1 squeeze lemon, 1/2 tsp. dried oregano, salt and pepper in a 2 cup container with a pouring spout. Pour this mixture into the olive oil container and give a shake. There you have a tasty and delicate Greek-inspired dressing for summer salads with tomatoes, cucumbers, and Kalamata olives. Delicious!

9. Face lotions. Any bottle with a pump has product left inside after the pump has stopped working. Open that bottle up and either using a cotton-tipped swab or a toothpick, dig that gold out of the container. Facial lotions cost a pretty penny, so don’t waste any. I once went a whole two weeks on just what was unable to be reached by the pump. If I’d have purchased a new one at $14 that would’ve been a waste of a good $2–3.

10. Hair products like gels and creams. Take the top off and turn the container upside down in a shallow, small lid like from a sour cream container. When all the product has fallen down, recycle the container, if possible, and use what’s on the lid. Every little bit helps.

There you have it. Dig it out, shake it up, or tip it over. You can extend products and foods you buy for more bang for your buck while limiting the number of times you purchase new products every year. Less purchasing is more money in your wallet.

How do you prevent extra waste in your life? Is there a tip you’d like to share in the comments? Love to hear from you.

I invite you to join my newsletter to hear about updates with my writing and future speaking engagements. https://julesdixon.substack.com/

My parents had been married for almost forty-five — yes, 45 — years when they separated. It wasn’t expected. It wasn’t fun. It was hard and emotional and probably no easier in my forties than if it’d happened during my childhood.

I’d love to think that I’m a minority in this area, but I’m not. One in four divorces in 2010 occurred to persons aged 50 and older (Academic.oup.com) and those numbers haven’t gotten better since then. Now that I’ve navigated the choppy waters of parental divorce, I’d like to share some insight on how to survive this tumultuous time as an adult.

First, let’s talk about why this would happen? I mean, these couples have been together for possibly twenty, thirty, forty, or in my parents’ case, forty-five years, what could’ve gone so wrong?

“Marriages change and evolve over the life course and thus may no longer meet one’s needs at later life stages.” (Academic.oup.com) We all change over time. This is clear. Sometimes people become disenchanted with partners who don’t understand the challenges and adjustments that come with advancing age. After retirement, sometimes the constant interaction, without the break of work, may show a couple that they have different ways of living and perhaps that they’ve grown apart.

Sometimes incompatibility becomes clear. When people have a common bond of children, many will do anything to stay together. They will fight to maintain a status quo and ignore issues that will continue to fester. This concept is changing in younger generations as co-parenting without a personal relationship is happening more and more with amicability that didn’t happen in their actual marriage. Studies show that staying in a marriage with frequent conflict can be as or more damaging than divorcing and allowing for distance to ease tensions.

But when you’re a child you want your family to stay together. I can honestly say this is one of the biggest regrets of my childhood. When I was about ten, my parents told us that they were considering separation. I freaked out. I demanded they stay together. I told them I would hurt myself if they didn’t. I really wish they hadn’t believed me, but after having children myself, I understand why they did. My mother says that I’m not to blame for her sticking around for another thirty-plus years of marriage, but I can’t help but feel like some of the onus is on myself. That is definitely such a “child of divorce” thing to say, right? Sometimes these events can affect us more than we think, even when we’re adults.

My mother has expressed remorse for not ending the relationship sooner, but I don’t think that’s a healthy thing either. She did what she had to while she had to. She sacrificed some of herself for her children. She found her voice and used it later in life. Better late than never.

However, I understand why she has this burden to bear. Out of three sisters, two of us have twenty-plus years marriages and one has an off-and-on unstable relationship that reminds me profoundly of our parents’ rocky relationship. And if we have learned anything, our family can verify that distress in adolescent and adult relationships can be a reflection of marital conflict of parents. (Heysigmund.com) When you see fighting or hear it all the time, or witness marital discord in other ways like cheating or lying, it is hard to comprehend what a good relationship is and how to emulate positive partnership. I’ve never claimed to have a perfect relationship, but I also believe that my parents taught me what I didn’t want in a relationship, which might be a blessing in itself.

But after coming to grips, mostly, with what has occurred, I’ve talked with several friends and online with people facing the same situation as to the reasons that this is happening so prevalently. I’m finding there are three common reasons.

1. Unresolved issues. Communication is one of those main issues. People knew their parents had different communication styles and yet, their parents didn’t realize it. They spoke almost different languages and didn’t understand each other’s base needs. Although in reality, they were probably screaming their needs at each other. Their approaches had morphed into anxious, pointed, and ineffective interactions. They learned how to basically push each other’s buttons until one gave the other the silent treatment and they actually liked it. They liked not communicating. Imagine that.

2. Financial problems or disagreements on how retirement should proceed. Especially in houses that grew up financially unstable or low-income. When people retire, they may need to enact strict budgets, but they may also have access to retirement funds at the ready. This can cause issues when one person believes they have a right to those funds because “We’re married. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours.” Depletion of financial security can lead to divorce.

“A recent report by Bank of America showed that while 13 percent of baby boomer couples maintain separate finances, 28 percent of millennials keep their money separate.” (Huffpost.com)

I really wonder if this separation of funds might become an issue later in life. Will they be able to each live off of their own retirement funds or social security payments individually? How will they have to alter their living, and will they be willing to? After conversing with people, I found most of their parents mingled their funds, but when one broke the financial trust they’d established, it was detrimental to the relationship and ultimately, if they couldn’t recover, one left the union.

3. Infidelity. This one was actually a shocker to me. As I near my fifties, I’ve had a few friends tell me they’d like to explore their sexuality, especially if they didn’t when they were younger, and they’ve considered asking their husbands for a “hall pass.” I have no clue if the men would agree, but here’s the deal, I do know if couples don’t discuss it with honesty, it’s more likely that it may end their marriage immediately.

But when it comes to what research says, it shows us an interesting detail. “Even as overall divorce rates have fallen in recent decades, there has been a startling surge in ‘grey divorce’ among the middle-aged. Part of that story seems to be a corresponding increase in midlife adultery, which seems to be both the cause and the consequence of a failing marriage.” (Globalnews.ca, Wolfinger) So do people start seeing other people before ending their marriage to explore the potential of future relationships? Or do they start seeing other people because in their mind their marriage is already over? I don’t know, but it’s clearly a complex issue that has many interwoven parts of relationship.

In the end, if your parents are getting a divorce, the reasons sometimes aren’t the important part. If you’re in your thirties, forties, or beyond, what do you need to know?

I have five pieces of advice for navigating this rough time.

1. It’s still not your fault. Yes, they tell this to young children all the time, but older children still need to hear it. No matter if you snuck out while you were a teenager or ruined the family car by driving through a cornfield (Never happened, okay, maybe it did.), your actions in life had nothing to do with your parent’s relationship demise.

2. If you must take sides, make it a clean break. If something happened that you are vehemently opposed to, that’s fine. You are allowed to have an opinion, but you are not allowed to use that opinion to hurt your other parent. Continuing to punish one parent is no better than a parent using children against another parent. Be an adult and own up to your choice, and move forward with an understanding of where you stand.

3. Your parent(s) will need support, possibly your time or financial backing. You will need to decide if you’re willing to be there for that need. If not, be solid in your decision. Supporting one side financially and not the other is a tough position to be in, but you are allowed to do it. It’s your money and your time. You get to decide. And if your parent starts to exhibit depression or other emotional or mental issues, then please help them find help.

4. Your feelings are real. You are allowed to be hurt. Yes, even if you’re fifty years old! You are allowed to be angry or sad or indignant or just plain okay with your parent’s divorce. Any emotion is a valid one. Just don’t project that emotion onto your parents. Understand that they may be struggling themselves. You had expectations that they would last forever, they probably did, too, but that’s not the case.

Coping with unexpected changes in life is never easy for anyone. It’s often a grieving process. Same steps can be applicable: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. If you feel yourself in the throws of any of these stages, or someone suggests that you are, talk it out. Make time for you to feel and know that those feelings are real.

5. If your parent or parents move on to new relationships, you may end up having a blended family later in life. You are not obligated to get to know any stepsiblings or partner of your parent, but keeping your parent’s happiness in mind, you may wish to make an effort. No one says you have to become best friends with your parent’s new partner’s family. Just be clear with your parents if you do or don’t want to participate in holidays and events. Eventually, those people may be as close to your parents as you are and may want to help out with their care. Don’t discourage their participation. To have an expanded and blended family can be a blessing to your parents after the hurt of divorce and being alone. Keep their feelings in mind.

In the end, gray divorce isn’t black and white, it truly is muted shades when it comes to experiencing it as an adult. It’s not ideal, but you can forge the rocky waves of parental divorce.

I invite you to join my newsletter to hear about updates with my writing and future speaking engagements. https://julesdixon.substack.com/

References:

Academic.oup.com. The Gray Divorce Revolution: Rising Divorce Among Middle Age and Older Adults, 1990–2010. Retrieved August 1, 2019 from https://academic.oup.com/psychsocgerontology/article/67/6/731/614154

Heysigmund.com. Unhappily Married: What’s Best for the Kids — Together or Apart? Retrieved August 1, 2019 from https://www.heysigmund.com/unhappy-marriage-and-kids/

Huffpost. Six Women Share Why They and Their Spouses Keep Separate Finances. Retrieved August 1, 2019 from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/women-keep-finances-separate-spouses_n_5b35117ee4b0cb56052084b4

Globalnews.ca. This is the age group that’s more likely to cheat (it’s not what you think). Retrieved August 1, 2019 from https://globalnews.ca/news/3580013/this-is-the-age-group-thats-more-likely-to-cheat-its-not-what-you-think/.