You know when I always say !?” Always expect the unexpected “

I always wanted to go one of those horse and carriage ride through Central Park with that one special person. ,but that never happened.

So I took the initiative on Feb 14 of 2023 and jumped on the carriage all by myself. At first. I was sad ,because I wanted to share my first time with some one ,but that never happened.

And now today ,for the very first time I had the opportunity to go to my first ever Baseball game.

I had no clue what was going on ,but listening to the crowd,and trying to understand the game was a whole other Experience.

The emotions going through my veins,brain and heart were overwhelming but I kept my cool and was normal to the people around me . I don’t. Think it was fair off me to put my emotional drama on them .

It was spur of the moment thing .Bought The cheapest ticket we could find and that was that .

I always tell my self “never have expectations,expectations only gives you disappointments.”

I was a little disappointed ,because I wanted to go to my first Baseball game with that one person who had tried to explain the game to me,but I guess shit happens ,right ?!

I know that psychics are not real .But I will never forget that one psychic who told me that ,there is no love in my life line .

So from now on ,I have to make peace with that fact and stop looking for that one thing that does not exist in my lifeline .

Third time is definitely no fucking charm .

So from now on what ever I want to do ,that will forever be me and my self . There is no us .

I know that longing to finally be the one that’s worth fighting for will always be there ,because t I have to learn to live with that one truth ,that there is no one there to fight for me .

I am the only person that will always be there for. Me.

I have learned that instead of arguing and trying to prove that you are worth it ,to just let it go .

No one cares about you .

Every one only cares about them selves.

You are just a disposable disappointment.

So I’ve stopped Fighting to be me and just let everything happen. .

No one will ever know the real me .That person is dead and gone .All there is ,is the shell that every one wants to see.

I am a disappointment to everyone around me ,so why fight something,I know i will never win .

I will always long yo be me but I know that will never happen.

I will forever be lost .

No point in fighting. For something. That is not there .

Today I realized how much pain I have in my heart and there is no one there that I can turn to and just cry my heart out .This is my pain and my pain alone .

My life is such a mess.

All I want to do is crawl in my shell and hide for eternity.

I’m afraid to lose my self again .

And it’s happening again .

I can feel my self control slipping away .

Why does it freaking hurt so much .

I wish there was some one,any one to tell me for once in my freaking life “don’t worry ,I got you “.

But as I look around me ,there never was any one there and there will never be any one there .

I have never felt more alone than today .

I finally said it

I Am no one’s fucking second choice.

For once in my life I wish there was some one there that would fight for me .

But again there is no one there .

I am so tired of this pain .

I’m just tired .

I’m so afraid to self destruct.

I know that self control I have is slipping. And when that goes ,there will be no return. This time .

I will burn everything I touch down to my core .

I’m a disappointment to everyone. There is nothing. Left to fight for .

This time if my self control breaks . The damage. Will be worse than before. All I have to do is … let go . And make that call .

And this time that choice will be. … just to let go and not feel and burn everything.

It’s a cycle I can’t get rid of . Pain -love-self destruct — same circle again .

I don’t want to think I don’t Want to feel .

I want to scream my pain away .

For some fucked up reason I miss that fucking beach . That night I sat there alone screaming at the waves .

That’s all I want to do . It’s suffocating. I can’t. Breathe .

I pray to God to please give me strength. To hold on and not let go but I can feel myself. Slipping again.

I know this time , there will be no coming. Back from this .

No one needs me any way .So why fight it .

I’m broken all over again .

There is nothing left . I was broken before and I put the pieces back together. Don’t fucking judge me for the way I chose to heal .

This time there is nothing to put back together ,I’m all out of fight and I’m all out of love .

Now I’m just a shell . Walking shell of a person.

“I’m all out of life “

That stupid song is playing. While I’m pouring. My heart out here .

Why is life so fucked up .

A piece of advice ladies

Stop doing long ass monologue’s

No one fucking cares .

This is part of how I deal with my emotions.

If I let go that will be worse .

I here by close this chapter in my life .

It was a pleasure knowing Stanley aka 5 o clock ,he thought me a hard lesson about life .Every one only thinks about them selfs.

No one cares about you and your drama ,but you .

My ex husband physically abused me that’s a fact that I will never heal from .But Mark aka pluck-chicken ,my ex husband and Stanley aka 5 o clock emotionally hurt me .

Every one of them did so in their own screwed up batshit crazy way .I told all 3 of them ,please don’t hurt me and that’s exactly what they did .

I’ve always put every one else first ,but from now on. I will always choose me ,because I am no one’s second choice.

Sometimes I think to myself, maybe it’s me .I’m the one that’s to blame ,but no I am not the fucking one .

I put to much effort and expect that ,that will be the glue ,but no .Non of them have ever known me .And now no one ever will .

I said it before and I’ll say it get .

The grate wall of fucking China will be in place for as long as I’m breathing.

When your heart is big enough to give Love ,you heart is also strong enough to end that love.I will always put myself first.

I am done feeling sorry for any one .My ex husband saw me as his personal slave ,pluck chicken saw me as the cleaning lady ,5 o clock was in disbelief that he picked me up from that hell hole of a so called spa.He always wanted a super model,but he got me instead so go fish .

With his life style .he wanted fancy .

I will never be fancy .

When you lose yourself you will never be happy .

And me ? Well I lost myself along time ago .Stanley just put the last nail in the coffin .

When you don’t see me reacting that’s me faking it until I make it .

I’m 44 and I really don’t know how long I’ll be here .Life is only good as you make it .

I remember telling Stanley I was not ready for another relationship,but he asked me to give him a chance ,well here you go a chance and what was the outcome ?!

Sometimes my heart hurts so much that all I want to do is scream my pain away .

But that’s not possible. .

Not here .Not in this place .

For 5 years all I wanted ,was to be me again and all. I got was pain .

I lost myself for years .I missed being me .

Now I will forever, Choose me .

Even if I have to fake it until I make it .

I love me .No matter what I love me .

That day Stanley called me up to go to London. Lenny ‘s ,I wanted to so bad ,but I’ve been in that scenario with him before and I am always the one that loses the most ,so this time I choose me .And he blocked me .So much for me counting on him .So much for him being there .Lol

Life is such a joke .

When you step out of it and look in ,all you have to do is enjoy the show .

I will never regret my choices,because my choices do not define who I am .

I ask God every day to please,please give me strength to go through this phase in my life and have patience with me .

Because I know this too shall pass.

As the saying goes when one door closes another door opens.Lol

Don’t worry I’m not going out there looking for another so called love story that will end in disaster again.Lol

Me and God are always in conversations lol

I have repeatedly screamed to God ,if there is no love in my life do not send another joker to come in my life otherwise we will have beef this time .

I’ve made peace with the fact that love does not exist in my life ,no matter how much I crave it .

This life has been a learning experience on so many different levels.

Each teaching me something new .But I will always pick me .Because in the end it will always be Me and my self .There is no one else there but me .

I always hated that song “I can buy myself flowers”,but now I will buy myself fucking flowers .And I will go on that carriage ride in Central Park .Cheers to me getting dumped and fired at the same time .

So I started a blog ,nothing fancy .Im no expert and I wanted to keep my blog clean from all the bullshit that has been going on.

Any one interested. Check out my blog www.mykitchenmyhome.com and help me get the 3 sales from Amazon.

Thank you

God Bless you

From the bottom of my heart for every Person that buys something through my links .

Life is full of surprises.

This chapter will be one of my making.

Just need the money and motivation do it ,because to make money ,you have to have money .So go check Out my website wwwmykitchenmyhome.com

I keep getting lost in my past ,my present and forget to focus on my future.

With that being said ,here are some factors that I will always live by and never make a compromise on from here on out .

I will never look for validation from any one ever again .Don’t ever say these to me again,I do not want to hear them :

Babe,sweetheart,dear,love,baby-girl and I appreciate you .

I will never believe anything. My fear will always,always be there ,that will never change .

Never have expectations,when you have expectations you get disappointed

I will always stand by “don’t hide me “.

I will never be classy or fancy .I look for the good in people not how fancy their car or house is.

I appreciate a fancy dinner and a falafel on the street both are equally delicious.

I will never ever let anyone get close to me again. That mother-fucking Great Wall Of China will be in place like Armageddon.Drilled,cemented and fucking welded shut .

I have learned that psychics are not real , but damn that woman I met a few years ago knew what she was talking about.

That psychic said these 3 things to me and damn do I believe her now more than ever .

Unfortunately I never saw her again. It’s like she vanished in to thin air .

What she said to me was : “1 Quite your job ,That place is not good for you . You know what I’m talking about . I knew what she meant .

2 You will be traveling a lot .I did travel a lot in 2021- 2022 . Loved every minute of it too.

And the last one was ,and this one will always be stuck with me,and that is that there is no love in my lifeline.“

Somehow I lost my self. No one cares about you . Every one has their own shit to deal with . I know that , but for once , just once , you know, I really really thought that no matter what , no matter the circumstances that this time it was real .

That’s the thing though. You don’t know , what you don’t know .

But what I do know is what I feel . How I feel and now I will do everything that I possibly can to make sure to work on what I want .What I want to have and be .

I’m done hiding and trying to please other people when they will only see them selves as the best.

I love standing on the side lines and act dumb and stupid just to see how every thing unfolds.

You want to see how people react to you being dumb,Stupid jobless and broke .

That mother fucking show is worth watching.

All I wanted was for him to want me as I wanted him. There is a difference between wanting someone and needing some one.

Life will always be complicated no matter how much we try it will never be as we want it to be. I know I will never fight for someone again. I will always be grateful for everything that Stanley has done for me. But it will always hurt that he called me an ungrateful fucking asshole .I don’t know where life will take me from here.

My anger strikes again. I guess I don’t deserve to have love , that’s ok. No second chances for me.

I have survived on my own for so long,i’m sure I can do it again. I don’t feel sorry for myself, because I wanted love and time , but that will never be mine.

A relationship is a two way street. There is no blame game. I’ve failed and there is nothing I can do to make it right. Because I don’t have a heart. I don’t feel.

Wherever life takes me after this I won’t fight it anymore. There is nothing left to fight for. And this time it’s all my fault.

How do I fix what I broke? How do I stop loving ?How do I let go?

How do I not feel pain ?How do I stop my brain from looking for text and phone calls when there is none?

I’m so lost .What do I do? Where do I go?

Please tell me!!!! What should I do?

I was afraid To ask for anything .Because of this sentence “ungrateful fucking asshole “

All I wanted was love ,to feel loved .Now I know love does not exist. When Stanley wanted to date me .I made sure to tell him that I am not ready for another relationship that I can’t go through another break up and guess what people ,shit hit the fan.

I know I was in the stupid spa ,but the fact that he keeps throwing it in my face and calling me ungrateful all because. I wanted to see him .

That hurts. He doesn’t. Realize how much I’ve fallen. In love with him .He doesn’t see that .

All he see’s is the person that he picked up from that stupid Spa that wants his attention.Wow what a life.

He kept asking me what do you want .

All I wanted was him ,all I wanted was for him to love me .But he thinks I want him while he’s spending time with his family .

I respect that he has a family and a business.

But he does not respect me .He kept asking me what do you want !what do you want .I want you ,you stupid asshole .But he can’t see that .

I’ll be ok .

My heart will heal or maybe not .At this point I just don’t know .Now I’m broke and jobless .

Let’s see where life takes me .

I tried to explain to him but he wouldn’t listen ,so all I could do is make it easier for him and just step away from him .

I will heal my heart .Now I rather be alone than go through this again .

Another year of heart ache .

I will never trust another person

And never tell me to not give up hope

Because. I just gave up on love and hope

Welcome 2024

I will self destruct and I will heal . I will never let anyone come close to me again .there is no such thing as love .

When I was eleven years old I had read my first romance novel and I was hooked.I know,I know ex-rated books are not for young kids,but growing up those books were my only comfort when my childhood was full of violence and abuse.

And besides, back then in those days,the books I would read were in Dutch and they were from the harlequin romance books,not harlequin the comic book character.They had no sexual content.Those books were about love and happy endings.But as I got older,so did the books.

The books I loved reading changed from love and happy ending’s to dark romance novels.Why I feel the need to explain this,I have no freaking clue.

Long story short ,those books became my escape from reality.My child hood was full of abuse from my father and later when I got married at sixteen from my stupid ex-husband.

My fairy tale was always in my dreams.Dreaming about love and Prince Charming,but reality was a whole different ball game.

I soon learned that there is no Prince Charming in the real world.

I craved for love.I craved for some one to come in to my life and just kiss me with so much love and passion that my soul would shiver from pleasure.But that never happened. Not with my stupid ex-husband and not with pluck-chicken.

When I broke-up with pluck-chicken I wasn’t interested in starting a new relationship.It took me a while to heal from my break up,but I did heal and on Valentine’s Day 2023 I did everything I had always dreamed of doing with a partner that never happened. I bought my self gifts and flowers ,I had the dinner I wanted and went on a carriage ride in Central Park and enjoyed every freaking second of that ride.That was my 2023 Valentine’s Day Gift to myself.On that Valentine’s Day I learned that I don’t need some one else to make me happy.They can add to my happiness but I don’t need them to make me happy. Wanting someone and needing someone is a totally different concept.

Happiness comes from within and to love some one else ,you first have to learn to love yourself.

Now,on Valentine’s Day of this year I had no expectations.I had already planned on doing my own thing.Buying my self flowers and everything I wanted as a present to my self and I was looking forward to another carriage ride in Central Park by my self,but ….

Valentine’s Day 2024 was my first ever Valentine’s Day that was Amazing

I have no words to describe how amazing this day was.

The first text I got from MrRight was ‘Happy Valentines Day’

I still had no expectations.I did not want anything either.No flowers ,no gift ,nothing.Because in my brain I had planned my carriage ride.Because in my previous relationships I had never gotten a happy Valentines Day so I was not expecting anything on this Valentines Day either. I guess I’m so used to ass holes in my life that I stopped having romantic dreams.

But here comes Mr Right. The way this man kissed me, was breathtaking .

Now my brain has been focused on my dark romance novels,so just go with the flow here (lol).

The way this man kissed me ,was just amazingly sexy.

Let me see if I can describe how that first kiss went.

While Mr Right was kissing me,he gentle grabbed me by the back of my head. That kind of kiss has been described in books now ,actually being kissed liked that was like being a heroine in one off those dark romance books .God,that was so hot. Now ladies this man had my panties in twist from that kiss alone. The sex was amazingly beautiful. Hot steamy ,messy foreplay to orgasms and being satiated.

Let’s just say he knows where the G SPOT IS. For some stupid reason I can’t stop smiling.

I know my brain is always a mess and I’m working on not overthinking everything. I can’t help it. My trust issues are from here to Timbuktu.

But being in MrRights arms just feels right . All I have to do is practice my way of staying calm and see how everything goes ,because my stupid fear hits me like a ton of bricks out of no where. But I’ve learned that no matter what the circumstances are I will never ever force someone to stay with me.I’ve fallen for this man in every way possible ,but I will never force him to stay with me ,that choice is his and his alone.

This Valentine’s Day will always be my dream Valentine’s Day”Perfect in every way “.