Growing up in the Message cult of William Branham, Matthew 5:48 was cited often in my church, usually leaving teenage me with feelings of shame and heavy responsibility. Shame because I knew for a fact that I was far from perfect. The feelings of responsibility were more complicated.

It’s normal for a Christian to strive to be like Jesus, but for us, it was different. According to our pastor, we were Jesus — or at least had the potential to essentially become him. Branham himself had indirectly called himself Jesus Christ, causing subsects of the cult to form after his death in 1965(1). We didn’t believe the Rapture would be literal trumpets with the clouds parting and Jesus gloriously descending for his bride. The second coming of our Jesus, was him manifesting himself through his believers.

It was our responsibility as believers to enter into our full spiritual potential and not only begin the Rapture, but usher in Jesus’s perfect kingdom on earth. Stories were told of hypothetical situations where we would gain supernatural powers like teleportation, healing illnesses, and even creating life and whole planets. One of my favorite fantasies growing up was thinking about my perfect planet, which I would one day bring to life, and all the wildlife that would live together in perfect harmony. Of course, the expectations of spiritual perfection were a little lower for me because I was a woman — a byproduct of the original creation and designed by Satan according to Branham(2). The most valuable things I could do were to love Jesus, believe the prophet, and one day marry a devout Message man and have lots of babies.

As I entered my 20s and gained more life experience, core elements of the Message didn’t make sense to me any more. What do you mean I’m chosen bride and my Christian friends and coworkers are not, just because they don’t follow the prophet? Why is interracial marriage a sin? Why is it a sin for women to wear pants when men’s and women’s pants are clearly different? I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had a few mini-deconstructions in the years following the big one.

The big one hit me in April 2022. A few traumatic life events and a close friend leaving the cult gave me the courage to finally critically examine the Message. I purchased the book Preacher Behind the White Hoods by John Collins and finished it in two days. I was blown away by how little I truly knew of the prophet. This was the point of no return. I read everything I could on the holes in the prophet’s Message and listened to podcasts by ex believers sharing their personal stories. To try to be fair, I also read and listened to podcasts by Message apologetics but I found their defenses usually fell short.

Losing my entire belief system felt like being thrown into the void with nothing to ground me. I didn’t know what was going to happen to my personal relationships or my sanity. Daily life felt robotic; as if I was simply carrying out the orders of my program to get through each day. There were nights I prayed I wouldn’t wake up the next morning because reality seemed too heavy to bear and I was emotionally tired. I was tired of being human and pretending to be ok. If it wasn’t for my supportive husband and my two cats, I don’t know if I would be here typing this blog today.

When I wasn’t staring into the void of meaninglessness and despair, I tried enjoying my new freedoms as a “worldly” woman. I bought my first pair of pants for work, got my earlobes pierced, and cut my hair short. I leaned on my husband and non-Message friends for support and started researching on religious trauma. Reading content from Dr. Laura Anderson and Dr. Steven Hassan gave me a better understanding of cult mind control and how trauma is stored in the body. Understanding what happened to me and why my brain and body react the way they do kickstarted my healing journey.

I’m in a better place today, though I still feel like I’ll forever be rediscovering who I really am instead of who I was programmed to be. I was told to be perfect, but I’m finding that my imperfections make me unique, and the process of self improvement has been far more rewarding than believing I am perfect. Two years later I have fully deconstructed my old beliefs and am now focusing on reconstructing beliefs centered around science, philosophy, and spirituality from a secular viewpoint.

I’m currently participating in a religious trauma recovery course and discovered in my weekly reflections that journaling my thoughts is therapeutic for me. This blog is mostly for myself to help me vent and organize my thoughts, but maybe someone out there who’s on a similar journey will resonate with my ramblings.