1. I have always been an outsider. Be it in a gang of girlfriends or medical statistics. Unlike a glove, I never fit.
2. I was the one the other two gossiped about. My choices were the most discussed. Never in front of me.
3. Difficult, opinionated, not subservient, and too much are ways in which I have been described ‘to me’ by others. All accompanied by a peal of uncomfortable laughter.
4. If there is a large group of people gathering, I am giving it in writing that I wouldn’t blend in. Never on purpose.
5. I turned out to be that 1% we all assume doesn’t exist when we sign a medical risk waiver.
6. ‘It won’t happen to me’, I had thought in my attempt to blend in.
7. It did.
8. ‘What sort of pregnant woman did not know that her baby wasn’t kicking?’ questioned the doctor. Even here, I didn’t belong.
9. I was the sort that didn’t know, unlike all the other women in the world who were so far along in their pregnancies. (Another score)
10. ‘We found nothing wrong with the fetus in the biopsy’ declared the genetic expert most empatheticly.
11. ‘It happens in only 1% of the cases’, she repeated, proving my point again.
12. Years later, I named her Tara.
13. Even in her absence, she makes sure no other woman feels the need to blend in when what she really wants to do is to be heard and understood.

Often ends are also the new beginnings.
There is pain for what we have lost, yet relief for the end of pain.
There is a change in how we define ourselves, yet we find ourselves completely changed.
There is a bucketful of emotions to live through, yet there is a total void.

Often ends are also the new beginnings.
People around start seeming different, meanings of relationships are altered
things seem trivial, and intentions seem faltered
Kindness feels precious, and tenderness much desired; there is so much to do & organise, but all I feel is tired.

Often ends are also the new beginnings.
We start to find new things around us, or do we start noticing what we had earlier ignored?
We get support from strangers, or were they someone always known?
We start seeing the light in things that did not earlier matter.
Words suddenly hold a value that formerly just seemed like a natter.

Tears where there were none expected, hugs from those that love us
What shall I focus on; the new dawn or the passing dusk?
I want to see the light, and I want to focus on the new innings,
because often, my friend, ends are also the new beginnings.

Do you love who you are?

Complicated question?

Here’s a simpler one: do you like the person you are?

Need help answering that as well? Let me help you.

Think of a person you deeply love. Now think of why you love them; a simple list will suffice. The reasons in everyone’s lists are usually that you like who they are, you admire them for their determination, you enjoy how they make you feel, you can respect them, you trust the choices they make, plus or minus a few and the list is complete. Every reason focuses on a quality ‘they’ possess, a positive. Now try and answer the same question for yourself with the exact same criteria. Do you admire yourself for your determination? Do you trust your choices? Do you like the way you treat yourself?

It gets difficult when we have to talk about ourselves lovingly, doesn’t it? We often talk about loving and valuing ourselves, but have we ever questioned how are we supposed to love ourselves without liking who we really are? Or what does loving ourselves truly mean?

Loving ourselves means loving who we are, accepting our shortcomings as well as our strengths, giving ourselves a breather every once in a while, knowing when to say stop, and understanding when we can push ourselves. Pampering ourselves, not the mani-pedi kind, but really pampering our soul, knowing what we deserve and not accepting anything less. Above all, loving ourselves means liking and respecting who we are.

In reality, when asked to talk about ourselves, don’t we usually have a list of complaints to begin with? I look too fat, I eat too much, I haven’t achieved anything, I think too negatively, I am too jealous, I am too sensitive, I don’t trust my thoughts…

Today, through this article, I want to give you a gift: a gift of working on your core beliefs about yourself and changing the ones that need to change. Working on the so-called negative associations that we have within ourselves. Ignoring them and suppressing them doesn’t help. The core negative beliefs keep popping up in different forms; they manifest themselves in various situations and continue troubling us. So let us learn an effective process of dealing with them once and for all. I am listing the steps to simplify the process. You are welcome to follow these steps alone or with the help of a professional.

The first step to work on the core negative beliefs or the feelings that constantly trouble you is to identify the feelings/beliefs: what is it that you constantly feel in every situation, what is the most common feeling you deal with? A few examples are: people always make me feel rejected or I often feel all alone, I feel I am not loved for who I am, the world is against me, I think everyone is out there to get me, I feel like a failure and other such feelings.

The second step is to systematically work on those beliefs.

2a. Deeply understand all the aspects of the feelings.

Identify who the perpetrator was: where do these beliefs come from (eg., childhood, incidences in school or with friends, something someone said, etc.).

What do they represent in your life? (It has started defining who I am/all my reactions come from this belief/it reminds me of the way my parents spoke to me, etc.)

Who do they make you? (In your own eyes, what sort of a person are you for thinking in this particular way: weak, a victim, unforgiving, alone, a failure, rejected, etc.)

2b. Answer why you haven’t been able to give up this belief yet.

It could be simply because you had not identified it yet or it could be something deeper. It could be because holding onto this belief helps you gain something! So ask yourself, how is this belief helping you? What purpose is it still serving in your life? A few examples could be: playing a victim helps me be the center of attention, holding onto anger towards the perpetrator means that I have someone to blame and hence don’t have to take the responsibility of my actions, judging myself for my body size reminds me of how my mother spoke to me and it is the only connection that I have/had with my mother,I can’t forgive/let go because it would make me more vulnerable, etc.

The third step is the change itself.

3a. Ask yourself what will help you change the beliefs?

You will have your answers only if you peer deep within. After all, you know yourself best.

Maybe you simply forgive the perpetrator, and that helps you let go of the negative belief. For some, it could be something as simple as that. Look at your situation as an outsider and understand the roles each person played. Accept that the other person did what they felt was right, not in trying to hurt you, but maybe as their way, however wrong, of protecting themselves and you.

For some, a daily reminder/ an activity/ a fixed plan and schedule will help them change the belief. Having an accountability partner can also help tremendously. Another things that works as a motivator is understanding how letting go of that belief will impact your life and personality in reality. Visualize how much lighter you will feel, get in touch with the emotions that you have been so craving all your life. Imagine feeling loved, cherished, light, successful, accepted or whatever feeling it is that you are longing for.

3b. Make the change. Choose a day, carry out the activity that you thought of above and rip off the bandaid. Tips that will make the process a sure shot success are:

• Take it slow. Don’t try to change your entire life in one go. Take it one step at a time. Work on one belief at a time, however long it takes.
• Be patient with yourself. Don’t expect miracles. You have thought in a certain way all your life, for so many years; give yourself at least as many months to see the results.
• You make take one step forward and two steps back and that is okay, too. It is a process that will impact your entire life, so slow progress is still progress.

The fourth and last step is to replace the older negative belief with a new neutral or positive one that will work for you. Then reinforce the new belief everyday until it becomes permanent and natural.

Happy changing, everyone, and happy falling deeply and madly in love with yourself. In case you have specific questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I would be happy to be a part of your journey.

That first sip of coffee felt like a holiday. (February 2019)

When we finally reached home after not being able to return even after several months, the house had a stale smell, the one typical to a house locked for about four months. We aired the house for several hours.

That first gush of air inside the house smelt like a holiday. (May 2020)

A week full of work, kids, classes to drive to, playdates to plan and coordinate, Christmas gifts to arrange, a book to finish, my own language homework to complete, when I was too exhausted to cook. My husband took over the kitchen. I was truly glad for that. I decided to help him finish the meal by putting the rice to cook.

That first bite of my husband’s chicken curry tastes like a holiday. (Nov 2020)

As I sat thirsty on my sofa, tucked in a warm blanket editing my book. I asked my daughter if she would like to bring me a glass of water, just because I was lazy. She went into the kitchen with excitement and came back several minutes later with a tall glass of water with a straw and a lemon slice.

The first look at that glass of water felt like a holiday. (December 2020)

If you hold good self-esteem, you like yourself. Others automatically perceive you as likable. You approve of yourself and are in balance overall. Saying ‘No’ is not a problem when you don’t agree with an idea. You are sure of yourself and others around you.

False Sense Of Arrogance

Ego, on the other hand, is defined as “an exaggerated sense of self-importance”. Buddhism defines the ego as “an illusive mental phenomenon with which we identify and cling due to ignorance”. It is the selfish feeling that “everything is about me and for me”. It can become all-consuming, leading to a false sense of grandeur and making one function out of a compulsion to fulfill one’s unrealistic desires.

These unrealistic desires are mainly about self and the image one portrays, about being the centre of attention always; about a need for everyone to agree with us.

They can also be to get credit for everything, the desire never to be wrong and other self-defeating cravings.When these cravings and desires increase, they lead to greed, jealousy, hatred and a deep sense of insecurity and eventually a blow to where it all started from — the ego.

Most people are unaware of their ego. They are even unaware of the distinction between their self-esteem and ego. According to author Wayne Dyer, “Ego is simply an idea of who you are that you carry around with you”. It may be an image that one has created in one’s mind. This image may or may not be true but one does everything to preserve that image, getting defensive in the process.

When a person is operating out of ego in any conversation, they will want to be the centre of attention, not truly listen to the other person, often believe they know everything and compassion and respect for others’ viewpoint will be missing.

Need To Be Appreciated

For the ego, the belief is “No one is better than me” and hence, no one can teach me anything new. In an everyday example, when one is operating out of ego, one is often impolite, even rude to people one considers “lower or less important” than oneself. But someone with a healthy self-esteem will always treat everyone with respect.

To quote the Bhagavad Gita, “The ego is a false identity crafted to preserve the sense of being the most significant and the most important all the time.” In short, it is a narcissistic search for being loved, validated and appreciated.”

So remember, your greatest enemy is your own inner perception, your own ego. The ego disguises its feelings as your feelings, its thoughts as your own, and people think it is you. An ego is pseudo and comes from insecurity. Look for the true authentic and secure you.

Healthy Sense Of Self-esteem

It is necessary to understand where we use the ego in our everyday behaviour and where we actually function from a healthy sense of self-esteem. As Pastor Nathaniel Boranner Jr puts it, “Ego often has a voracious appetite; the more you feed it, the hungrier it gets.”

Hence, it is necessary to understand where we use ego in our everyday behavior and where we are actually functioning from a healthy sense of self-esteem. This is not difficult to develop.

Here are a few tips to kill your ego and function with a healthy self-esteem:

# Be open to admitting your faults. There is no harm in apologising.
# Learn from your mistakes and use feedback for self-improvement.
# Have a purpose and direction in life. Value yourself.
# Try to understand others’ viewpoints and respect differences.
# Be respectful of everyone, even those who work under you.
# Believe that you are good, but remember that there is always scope for improvement.

Sitting at a cafe yesterday, I was thinking of the precise ways the Corona pandemic has changed us as people. Here are my top ten.

1. We have started to connect with each other’s soul.

How? you ask, because now we only focus on the eyes when we talk to someone face-to-face. Only the eyes are visible and the eyes never lie. Eyes, they say are a way to peep into someone’s soul.

2. We have started re-prioritising, focussing only on things that are most essential.

We meet selected people, only those we really want to meet because it is too much of a risk to meet just acquaintances since we don’t know where they have been. We step out of our homes only with specific purposes at hand, strolling around the market doesn’t seem to be the best idea.

3. We are coming face-to-face with our inner demons.

Stepping out and meeting different people always gave us an outlet to be different people at different times. In the past it also helped us hide the parts that we didn’t want to show everyone. Now there seems to be very little choice in that. We are spending most of our time with the same people within the same four walls. It brings out all our insecurities. It has made us more anxious and quarrelsome so to say.

4. Our humanness has also come up to the surface.

We are willing to help each other. We are willing to rescue those who are stuck. We have somewhat re-started to connect and work as a community. At some level we realise that we are all interconnected. We are all one.

5. Our privileges are becoming more obvious with each passing day.

How are we privileged? When we think of migrants walking hundreds of kilometers in India, just to find the safety of home, when we think of the health care facilities that we can afford but a lot of people can’t, when we can decide to sit in front of our screens and earn a living and others have to go out there and face dangers everyday, when we still get salaries into our accounts, when we can make sure that our loved ones remain safe… with each of these when’s we become more and more privileged.

6. The virus has made us humbler and more egotistical at the same time.

We realise how powerless we are that something so tiny and invisible can control and change our entire life and yet we buy diamond studded masks to keep the virus at bay.

7. The value of money had increased and decreased in the same breath.

Money can’t guarantee health and recovery, if we get infected by the virus but the same money that can ensure we do get proper treatment and nutrition.

8. It has increased the number of times we hear about someone we know dying.

It is taking too many souls with it. Spiritually speaking it is almost like mass ascension but it is not. The family doesn’t get to meet the person who went, there is no final goodbye, no closure for the people left behind.

9. We are more unsure than ever.

We can’t be sure of our plans, we can’t be sure of the things we touch or the people we meet. We are unsure of our future as a race. We don’t know if life will ever be normal again. We aren’t even sure of how to define normal anymore.

10.Our homes have become our havens and prisons as at the same time.

They are our yoga studio, our therapy room, our office, our ballet floor, our stage, everything.

Our home keeps us safe now but I am not sure it is keeping us sane.

You have an 11th and a 12th?? Please add in the comment section below..

We heard about a unicorn who saved a little girl from a dinosaur because it could fly, whereas the dinosaur could not, and we heard about yet another unicorn who flew so high up that it could see the Earth from up there. The unicorn was obviously not alone; there was a little girl with it who touched the Earth, which felt warm. I am not sure if the Earth can be warm to the touch from space, but our little girl really did warm my heart. I decided to take inspiration from her and write this piece with her by my side. She wanted to help by sitting on my lap. She waited for me to type my first words, as I just stared at the screen blankly. She turned to me and asked me to start typing; I said I was thinking and she asked me why?

Why do you need to think, Amma? You can simply type whatever comes to your mind, she said, even pressing a few keys to demonstrate how simple it really was. I told her that I needed to think because I wanted to be sure about what I write. I had to make sure it was something that I believed in and something the readers would relate to. She didn’t seem convinced, yet reluctantly decided to give me some more time to think. When my fingers still refused to move, she asked me if I could play Uno with her and that is exactly what we did.

How easy it was for her to make up a story, how effortless it seemed when she decided to support me, and yet it was so natural when she decided to entertain herself. Passion and expression comes so easily to these little people who rule our lives. Three days later, here I was still thinking about what to write. It was supposed to be about something I am deeply passionate about. I had my answer in the beginning: I was going to write about writing. Still, it took me days to decide what to write and days to figure out if it would be well-received. My doubt wasn’t about the passion itself; it was about the feedback that I might or might not get.

Yes, I can give some credit for my brain not working to me being sick for almost two weeks, and at the same time I can give loads of credit for finally getting started to the little inspiration that runs around from room to room in my house.

What is my passion, I got to thinking. Is it being a writer or being a mother? Am I more passionate about baking or gardening? What about my profession, does that have any ranking in this list? What is that one key thing that drives me? The truth is, my answers keep changing depending on what is happening in my life. Some days I want to be the most successful and famous therapist there ever was, and on other days a hug from my child suffices for everything. There are days I am frustrated by how slow some of my projects are moving, and then there are days when cooking an exotic meal for my family is what I am most passionate about. With so many options to choose from, I asked myself, why did I need to define any one thing that I am passionate about? Isn’t life made up of many many tiny ingredients put together? Isn’t that what makes it exciting? A little bit of this, a lot of that and a whole lot more of something else is what the spice of life is, and that is what I am most passionate about. Like they say, a spoonful of sky, some strands of the rainbow, a handful of giggles and a whole lot of laughter make life worth living.

Hence, I decided to declare that I am passionate about being who I am, at every moment; being who I want to be, unapologetically. I am passionate about being good at the things that I do, I am passionate about trying, really trying hard before I finally decide to give up. I am passionate about giving up if that is the right call for me. I am passionate about my truth and I am passionate about sharing my views with others, even if it means being diplomatic. I am passionate about doing it with passion or not at all. That is my passion. Have you found yours yet?

Think positive and all will be positive. Focus on the positive. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones and the results would be positive. Positive this and positive that, it is everywhere. It almost seems like a fad or an epidemic to talk about positive thinking. Sadly positive thinking is being used as a blanket and is being used far too often. It has impacted our lives in the opposite way that it may have been intended to. It has changed us and made us more critical.

In a world where we are trying to create sensitivity and acceptance towards mental health issues, we have become much more judgemental towards people going through a tough time. When we hear people say positive thinking, we almost judge ourselves and others for feeling low.It is the equivalent of saying that one should avoid feeling sad- ever, that feeling lonely is bad, experiencing grief means you aren’t focussing on the right thing and anger is a demon. Anxiety is only for the weak-minded, guilt is exclusively for culprits and frustration makes you unreliable. We have started questioning the existence and experience of the very feelings that truly make us completely human. Feelings aren’t just feelings any more, they are categorised as good-bad, lower-higher, positive-negative.

Why?

Imagine a world where we aren’t ashamed of telling someone that we feel lonely. Think of how liberating it would be to tell another about our disappointments and failures without a background fear of being judged or considered lower. I truly fail to understand when did our pure expression of emotion become an inconvenience that we need to apologise for- What if you don’t say sorry for crying during a conversation? What if expressing yourself isn’t considered drama?

So many what if’s but the answer to me is really simple- if we make these what if’s realities, we would feel light, heard and more accepted. It would help us overcome some of the biggest emotional struggles- of feeling unheard, of feeling rejected and of carrying the burden of our emotions everywhere we go.

How do we do this?

We simply drop the judgement. We stop judging ourselves for feeling sad or angry. We let ourselves express truly, believing that the listener is empathetic and we do the same for the other person when we hear them.We just listen and accept, especially with our children. We let our loved ones convey their feelings and not jump-in to offer solutions. We give time and space to all the relationships. We become more accommodating. We don’t push aside the unpleasant feelings, rather we embrace them and live them as a part of who we are. As humans we are bound to be disappointed. We are bound to worry and be stressed sometimes. We just accept that. We consider occasional doubts normal and we allow ourselves and the other to be.

Would we be able to enjoy a sense of security if we have never been insecure? Would we cherish the calmness if we have never lived through a storm? Can we ever be elated without working really hard towards something? The struggle, the sorrow, the pain and anguish are all important parts of who we are. Stop rejecting those and we would stop rejecting parts of ourselves.

Is it practically possible?

Yes, it is. I can tell you by practice and experience. In our household our four year old is encouraged to share her feelings. She can express her anger as easily as she is capable of sharing her joy. We don’t yell at our child for throwing a so-called tantrum. We hug and make-up and talk about the things that made us angry, once the anger has passed. We apologise to each other and value what our child is saying as much as something that an adult would say. We NEVER call her a drama-queen for expressing herself (in whichever way she likes).

Crying is considered normal, even for adults. When she saw me crying last week, she wasn’t overwhelmed by it at all. Instead, she walked up to me, gave me a big hug and then went into her room to get me a musical toy. She handed it to me and said, Amma, this could make you feel better and I can hug you some more if you want.

When I came to Munich almost six years ago, it was for a holiday. Not literally for a few days of holiday, but as a holiday that I had decided to take for a year. My husband was offered a temporary posting to Munich for a year or two and we saw it as the perfect opportunity to travel Europe at much cheaper rates. Flying to each of the places on our wish list from our home country would have been extremely expensive and it would have been impossible to cover the whole wish list. I had been running my private practice for more than ten years back then and life had suddenly thrown some not-so-great unexpected turns our way. All in all, I was really looking forward to a break from my work.

Within the first few weeks of arriving here I was handed my work permit, which I must admit I denied accepting at the Visa office. I so vehemently did not want to work back then that this new piece of paper looked like a threat to me. The man handing me the visa finally said, “This just means you may work, not that you must.” I reluctantly took that green thing and hid it away. A few months of travelling later, I came across a zen teacher who was adamant that I had to help her deal with some personal issues. I tried everything in my power to tell her not to come to me, but she was insistent. I gave in and finally my first therapy session in Munich happened in my living room. I got a home-baked chocolate cake as my fees.

As time passed, more and more people started coming to my living room and I started receiving many packs of tea, cakes, cookies and plants. I recognised it as a sign from the universe and decided to finally set up my formal practice in Munich. The process was pretty simple, but what after?

When you start formally, you hire an office, get furniture, buy mugs and glasses and tea and tissues, redo your website, get business cards printed… All in all you invest a lot financially. I was naturally expecting a regular and easy flow of clients from day one.

I couldn’t have been more wrong!

I realised that it is easier to get clients when you charge nothing and that was a BIG blow to my ego. The ego I had no idea was there, crawled within me. Back in India, I was almost a celebrated therapist. I gave regular interviews to news channels and newspapers, my appointment diary was always full, people had to wait for weeks, sometimes months, before getting to see me, and I had been recognised on the street on more than one occasion, and yet here I was waiting for a single new client to call me for an appointment.

I had failed. My legacy ‘should’ have continued, it ‘should’ have been carried here, I ‘should’ have had work easily. These were my constant feelings, until I actually sat down to introspect and realised that this was my ego talking. Not my skills, not my talent, but my ego. I had started seeing myself from a very different viewpoint, not as who I was, but as what my achievements were. I was judging myself for not getting instant clients and putting myself down for being new to the market. Munich taught me to fail and for that I am forever grateful to this city.

It helped me adjust my lenses, gain perspective, and see me for who I was, not for my achievements, not for my past fame, but for me. It let me be; it neither rejected me, nor loved me overtly. It gave me the breathing space that I needed, the freedom to rediscover myself and my work, and it showed me how setbacks bring about incredible transformations. It changed me as a person and that in turn changed my flow of work. Today I am grateful for what I have, for the opportunities I have been able to create. I don’t hesitate before asking for work; it doesn’t make me lesser. I happily give referrals to other professionals in my field and I am always open to failing. I trust that it will make me better. Like they say, failure teaches us much more than success ever can.

Mallika Bhatia is Life Coach with a Master’s in Clinical Psychology and a Diploma in Hypnotherapy, with more than 13 years of experience in this field. She is a writer, a blogger, and a published author with regular dedicated columns in two National Dailies in India. She also manages The Hope Tribe, a platform to share true stories of people who overcame obstacles and became real heroes. She practices in Munich and over Skype/FaceTime. Please clap for her if you like this story.