Growing up in a family where affection was rarely expressed and emotions were something you had to keep to yourself honestly changed me in ways I’m only starting to realize now. I became someone who hides pain automatically, someone who feels embarrassed for needing comfort at all. Being away from home made everything feel heavier somehow. I thought distance would make me stronger, but instead it just made the loneliness louder.

What hurts the most is knowing I technically still have people I could call when things get too overwhelming. I still have family. I still have their numbers saved on my phone. The call button is right there every single time I break down, every time exhaustion makes me cry at night, every time I feel like I can’t carry things alone anymore. But somehow my fingers never press it. Because somewhere along the way, being vulnerable started feeling terrifying to me.

Instead of comfort, I got used to being mocked by other family members whenever my emotions showed too much. Even when I’m doing nothing, I still get reminded of things I did in the past, things I did when I was younger, when I was still just a child. And somehow those moments still get used against me like I’m not allowed to outgrow them. It hurts because sometimes I feel like people only remember the younger version of me, but never the part where I was still learning, still growing, still just a little kid trying to understand everything.

And now even when I desperately need support, my first instinct is still to stay silent and deal with everything alone. Sometimes I cry so hard that I completely forget I’m not actually alone in this world. I forget there are people connected to me at all. Loneliness has started feeling more familiar than comfort ever did, and I think that’s the part that hurts me the most.

Sometimes I wonder if this is why I became so afraid of taking up space emotionally. I keep everything inside until it hurts too much because somewhere in my head, I still feel like my feelings are “too much” for people to deal with. So now, even when I’m exhausted to the point of breaking down, my first instinct is still to disappear with it alone instead of reaching out for comfort.

Sayang, there are days where I look at myself and feel nothing but unfamiliarity. As if somewhere along the way, I lost pieces of who I used to be without even realizing it. I keep trying to search for the version of me you once knew so easily, but every time I reach for him, my hands come back empty.

Sayang, I think the saddest part about losing yourself is that it does not happen all at once. It happens slowly, in ways nobody notices. A little exhaustion here, a little emptiness there, until one day you wake up and realize you no longer feel like home to your own soul.

Sayang, I still want to be your safe place. I still want to hold you gently after difficult days and love you in every way I can. But lately, I have been collapsing in places nobody can see. There are nights where even breathing feels unbearably heavy, where my own mind turns against me until I cannot recognize the person staring back at me anymore.

Sayang, sometimes I am terrified that one day there will be nothing left of me except exhaustion and ache. Terrified that I will keep disappearing piece by piece until even you cannot find me anymore, no matter how hard you try.

Sayang, even in the middle of losing myself, there is still one thing inside me that remains—

Aku sayang kamu.
Sayang, even if one day I completely lose myself, my heart will still remember you.

Happy 5th Mensiversary, Baby! To be honest, I didn’t prepare something properly for today and I felt a little bad about only having these words to give you.. But I realized that no gift could ever truly capture how much these past five months have meant to me. My heart is just so full of you that I had to let it all out..

Honestly, looking back to the beginning, I never could have imagined we would make it this far and become this close, my love.. It’s not that I doubted us, but rather I’m constantly surprised by how much deeper my feelings for you grow every single day. I’ve reached a point where I can’t even remember what my life was like before you were in it. You’ve become my go-to person, my safe harbor, my favorite reason to smile, and the one who can make me blush just by saying my name.

Please don’t get bored of reading this, but I still find myself giggling like crazy whenever I remember how you first started approaching me :] (SOALNYA AKU GAK NYANGKA BENERAN SIH???). I actually love re-reading our old chats whenever you’re off to work, tee-hee :3 it’s just so adorable looking back at it. I remember how you were always finding excuses to talk to me and teasing me constantly. 🤏🏻 Even now, just thinking about it makes me so incredibly shy and giddy (I’m blushing so hard right now, thamkyoy!!). Thank you for not giving up on me during those days, baby :3

Also, I’ve noticed that these past few days you’ve been feeling a bit down. Please know that it’s always okay to feel sad, okay baby? You don’t have to pretend to be okay for me. Please remember that I will always be right here by your side. I’m here for you through every single up and down, and I’ll be the one to hold your hand tightly until things feel okay again. You don’t have to carry the weight of the world by yourself because I’m right here with you, my love.
I honestly don’t know what else to write, and I have no idea why I’m babbling all over the place like this.. Maybe it’s just because I have so many feelings for you that they’re all spilling out at once! 🥺 But I hope you can feel how much I mean every single word.

Thank you for these amazing five months, sayangku. I’m so incredibly grateful that you chose me and that you’re still sticking by my side. Pacayan tuyus sampai 72838382 juta abad tahun berapalah itu kedepan, mau cayang? :3

I love you, I love you so much, I love you a lot, I love you more than words can say, Noamku sayang. ♥