purity culture has existed in different forms across different tribes, religions, cultures and societies all over the world, for different reasons and purposes. although most of the time, the weight of it is placed more heavily on women than men. but today, i am only going to speak from the perspective i know personally, which is christianity… where the weight is equally placed on both genders. honestly, i don’t even think we call it “purity culture.” for us, it is simply called abstinence or sexual immorality. there is one bible verse many of us hear over and over again: “flee sexual immorality.”

christians, pastors, leaders, everybody would explain that the word “flee” is intentional. it does not say “resist.” or “manage it.” it says flee. run!

now, a few days ago, i was having a conversation with a friend after she saw a post online. something likeeeee “you are a christian sister asking the christian brother you are dating whether he is a good kisser?” and under that post, she said that it was inappropriate and wrong to ask such questions. but when my friend shared it with me, i remember asking… wait, how is that bad?

likeeee if i am asking someone i want to marry whether he is a good kisser, i am simply asking whether he has had sexual experiences before. people have lives before giving their lives to christ nau. people have histories and conversations should happen about it… so i said, “but they are only talking.” and she said “but the bible says flee.” and i said, “yes… but that question is not a bad thing” and she said “sex is bad o!” well, i’m going to hold your hands while i say this “sex is not bad until it is good!!!” sex was never bad, sex is not bad and sex will never be bad. what matters is the context!

what may go against your faith and your convictions is not the existence of sex itself, but the context in which it happens. see we cannot spend years teaching people that something is horrible, dirty, dangerous, shameful, and corrupting… and then suddenly expect their minds and bodies to switch overnight simply because there is now a ring on their finger. for many women, the act is deeply psychological. it is emotional. it is vulnerable. it requires safety, comfort, trust, reassurance, and emotional permission.

and this is why there are christian women who enter marriage still feeling guilty about their own bodies. women who still feel unsafe. women who still panic internally while doing something they are technically “allowed” to do now. because all their lives, they were only taught one message, this is bad! this is dangerous… and now, after years of fear, they suddenly have to retrain their minds into believing they are no longer sinning. i have spent time listening to married christian women talk about this. i am listening to married women who are struggling to separate holiness from fear.

and no, i am not a sex therapist. infact, this message is only for particular group of people who already understand exactly what i am saying. i mean, women who are abstaining… sex is not bad. it is the context, the environment (whether or not it is done within the confines of marriage) that makes it acceptable unto GOD! and like i wrote last night, i am always careful about giving advice or speaking too strongly from my personal experience. the fact that i was fortunate enough to have a partner who made my abstinence journey easier does not mean it will be easy for everybody else. everybody has different weaknesses, different convictions, different boundaries, and different struggles.

so if certain conversations make you feel tempted, aroused, or pull you toward sexual immorality, then yes, it is wise to flee. this post is not me telling people to stretch their limits or encouraging people to test their self-control and it is definitely not me telling you to intentionally put yourselves in compromising situations. this is simply the point i am trying to make: sex is not bad. it was never bad. i genuinely do not know a simpler way to explain it. the bible does not condemn the existence of sex itself. it speaks about the context in which it happens. and that is honestly the only message i wanted to share today.

STORYTELLER: MARY AYINDE

isn’t it funny how everything now feels like it is designed to make you angry? every conversation, every debate, every piece of content, even policies and trending topics seem to push you towards outrage. so today, i want to talk about rage bait.
in the last two months, i’ve been paying attention to how i spend my day, and as someone who works from home and freelances as a screenwriter, i naturally spend a lot of time on my phone and personal computer, but i realized that i spend most of that time being angry, and when i paused to think about it, i asked myself, angry at what exactly?
i noticed that it was mostly about the things i am passionate about. i am a feminist, i care deeply about women, the girl child, and speaking against abuse, violence, and hatred towards women, but somehow i realized that my algorithm was filled with things that were deliberately triggering anger in me. videos, tweets, comments, all saying degrading and ignorant things about women, pregnancy, labor, and life in general, and instead of me looking for solutions or having meaningful conversations, i was just constantly angry. it started to feel almost intentional, like these things were not random, and after speaking to a couple of people, i realized i wasn’t the only one noticing it, rage is everywhere.

now, i’m not a conspiracy theorist and i’m not saying social media is evil or designed to ruin your life. technology has done a lot of good, but at the same time, i had to bring it back to reality, just like lust was deliberately promoted for years, rage now feels like the new hottest thing. you read about politics, social issues, health, everyday conversations, and you’re just angry because you’re thinking, how is this even someone’s thought process? and it doesn’t even stop online, i started noticing it in my real life conversations too, friends sending me videos, people in my dms, random posts on my timeline, things that are clearly meant to provoke me. so in the last couple of weeks, i made a decision...
1. RECOGNIZE things that would rage bait me!
2. AVOID things that would rage bait me!

…
no arguing, no commenting, no engaging likeeee i am not losing my entire day to anger, and every time i see something like that, i pause and say to myself, “this is rage bait, don’t engage, move on.” “this is rage bait” i even remember telling a couple of friends who sent me some videos that “this is rage bait, i am busy.” “are you trying to rage bait me? not today, come back later.” and yes it sounds funny, but that is how intentional i became. the last month, march was one of the most productive months i have had, i felt like i was in charge of my time and my emotions despite being online.

so this is for you, if you’ve noticed that the things you are passionate about are constantly being used to make you angry, if you feel like every time you come online there is always something waiting to trigger you, if you find yourself carrying unnecessary rage over things you didn’t even plan to engage with, then it is important that you call it what it is, and choose differently, whether that means reducing your screen time, muting certain words, topics or even people, or simply choosing not to engage, because not every conversation deserves your energy and not every opinion deserves your response, this week, protect your mind and protect your time.

STORYTELLER: MARY AYINDE

okay, so yesterday was women’s day. and today… we are back to the world again, back to the usual. likeeee some people would say “back to a man’s world.”

for the past five years, i have made it a habit to write something the day after women’s day. something to remind us that women should not only be remembered, respected, or applauded once a year. whatever we deserve should not be limited to a single day. it should be something we see and experience every day of the year.

so today i just want to share three simple thoughts or let me rather say three random gists.

NUMBER ONE.

i remember when KAMALA HARRIS and DONALD TRUMP were contesting for the USA presidential election. i saw a clip where someone, a woman was being interviewed. they asked the woman in the video, “would you vote for kamala?” and she immediately said, “no, no, no. i would never vote for a woman.” the interviewer asked why. and she said something like, “what if she’s on her period one month and starts a war with iran?” but look at the world today. guess who just started a war with IRAN??? hmmmm??? a man!!! mennnnn!!! the people making those decisions are usually men. men who have never experienced a period.

for years, people have used women’s hormones against us. our periods, our moods, our cycles, our luteal phases. all these things are used to make it seem like women are too unstable to lead or make serious decisions. meanwhile, our bodies are doing extra work every single month. research has even shown that if men experienced hormone drops similar to what women go through during menopause, it would seriously affect their daily functioning and health. women manage these shifts and still show up to work, lead teams, raise families, and carry on with life. and this is not even to call anyone out. it’s just to show you that the world is always on the edge of one crisis or another. wars, conflicts, political tension. and the decisions leading to these moments are not being made by women. for so long we’ve heard, “don’t give women power. don’t put women in leadership. their hormones will ruin everything.” but when you look around… it hasn’t been women ruining the world.

NUMBER TWO

another thing i want to talk about is a tweet i once saw. it said something like, “as a man, take a moment and imagine you have a daughter. then think about how you treat other women. imagine someone treating your daughter that way. how would you feel? you would feel bad, right? then you need to change.”

but that idea always hurts me when i hear it. because hidden inside that message is something troubling. it suggests that a woman only becomes worthy of empathy when you imagine she is connected to you. like someone’s daughter. someone’s wife. someone’s sister. and that shouldn’t be the standard.

a woman is someone. full stop. not just someone that needs to be linked to a man before her dignity makes sense. you shouldn’t need to imagine that she is your daughter before you treat her well. you shouldn’t need to picture a personal connection before you feel empathy. i’ve even seen tweets where men say, “it was when i had a daughter that i became more emotional about women’s issues.”

and every time i see that, i pause because it means that before that moment, women’s problems were just abstract to you. like a discussion. like a theory. not something real. and that is honestly difficult for me to process. empathy should not arrive only after fatherhood. you shouldn’t have to reach that stage before you understand that women’s experiences and struggles are real. you don’t have to wait until life forces that perspective on you. it should already be there.

NUMBER THREE

one thing that feels like a win to me is a recent development i read about. in most places, women no longer need their husband’s or partner’s permission for certain medical decisions during childbirth. this matters because there have been situations during pregnancy or delivery where doctors say they may need to save either the mother or the child. and in the past, the husband was sometimes the one asked to decide.

there have been stories where some men chose the baby, and the woman ended up losing her life. i don’t have the statistics, but the fact that these situations even exist is troubling. i once had a conversation about this and someone said, “well, if it were a woman, she would choose the child instead of her husband too.”

but that comparison doesn’t really make sense. men don’t get pregnant. men are not the ones carrying the pregnancy or going through labor. the situation where a man is asked to choose usually happens because a woman is pregnant and her life is on the line. so saying “imagine if it were the woman choosing” is mostly hypothetical. very hypothetical!!!! the reality is that pregnancy places women in real, physical risk. it is not a theoretical problem. it is something that actually happens. that is why women’s issues should be treated as real issues, not as debates or thought experiments. so hearing that women now have more autonomy over decisions like caesarean sections or how they want to deliver their babies is something i am genuinely grateful for. especially for women where i come from in nigeria, where for a long time a partner’s consent was often required. now women can make those decisions for their own bodies. that kind of autonomy matters. and i hope more women know that they have these rights. because the more we allow women the freedom to decide for themselves, the more everyone benefits.

this year’s IWD theme, GIVE TO GAIN feels especially important because there is still so much we are not giving to women. and when i say we, i mean both men and women. many times, we are not giving enough to our girls, our ladies, and our women.

the truth is, the more we give them stability, understanding, education, freedom, and space to grow, the more everyone benefits from it.

STORYTELLER: MARY AYINDE

this is my not-too-hot take. i actually don’t think those people were not wishing you well. i don’t think they sat down somewhere plotting your downfall. i believe that some people genuinely want you to be successful… but in their heads, there was a limit. there is a version of your success they can process and there is a level that feels unreasonable to them. for example, they didn’t like that you were hungry. they didn’t like that you were jobless. they didn’t like that you were begging and stressed and tired. they really didn’t like it for you. but then you got a job... and not just any job. likeeee millions of naira or dollars kind of job. and they’re like… wait, what!!! they didn’t want you hungry. they just didn’t imagine that you would be fed like that. you’re single, you’re trusting GOD for a partner. maybe they’re married. maybe they’re engaged. and truly, they didn’t like that you were single. they understand partnership. they understand companionship. they even pray with you about it. they say “GOD will do it.” they say “your own is coming.” and they mean it. then your own comes. and the partner is caring, kindddd, intentional and showers you with love. and suddenly… they are quiet or awkward and you are likeeee “wow… you of all people? what’s up with this energy???" it is just their mental programming. i’m not supporting or excusing it. i’m just saying… sometimes people don’t prepare their minds for the possibility that you might exceed the version of you they’re comfortable with. and when you do, it shocks them.
they never updated the picture of you in their head. they simply did not enlarge their minds to see that version of your story happening. they didn’t like that you had carryovers. but they’re shocked you now have all A’s. they didn’t like that you were single but now they’re shocked your partner is this caring. they didn’t like that you were hungry but they’re shocked you’re eating at five-star restaurants likeeee as howwww...??? again, i’m not supporting it and i’m not excusing it. i’m just saying some people have a ceiling for you in their head... and when GOD breaks that ceiling, it rattles them. and i am writing this just to let you see another perspective to it.
this post is not to give you a stance or an advice on whether you should cut such people off or keep them close. but i just think it’s something you should notice and be cautious about. because some won’t say it to your face. it can just leak through their tone or their jokes and some will actually say it to your face!
so, pray, always pray! 2 THESSALONIANS 3:2 talks about praying to be delivered from unreasonable and wicked people. that prayer is valid because not everyone’s mind is prepared for your overflow...

and yes… let’s flip it. because what if you’re the one on the other side? what if you’re already in that season someone else is praying for? what if you’re married and they’re trusting GOD? what if you’re stable and they’re still figuring it out? then, boom!!! their testimony comes. and it’s bigger, sweeter and louder than you imagined...
why are you uncomfortable? why are you putting a limit on what someone else’s success should look like? that thing where you shrink people in your mind? it’s likeee an internal competition? check it!! because limiting people in your head says more about your capacity than their blessing. you need to enlarge your mind. big time. big big time and accommodate other people’s success. you can either expand your heart… or expose it.

STORYTELLER: MARY AYINDE

...i recently saw a tweet where a lady said she deleted her childhood friend’s number because every time she viewed her whatsapp status, it felt like her friend was doing better than her and she had achieved things she was still praying and hoping for.

the tweet has sparked a lot of reactions. some people said she was a bad person for feeling that way, while others said jealousy is a normal human emotion and sometimes it can be overwhelming. it made me remember when i shared a bible story about JUDAH being jealous of JOSEPH and how the jealousy blinded him from realizing that his own future was still bright and that someday he would be the great great grandfather of JESUS. ((i cited how the jealousy was why he suggested that the other brothers sell joseph off)) the post led to some private conversations with people who admitted how difficult it can be to watch others move forward while they feel stuck and all thatttt.

i personally don’t think i have a fixed stance on whether stepping back from someone in moments like that is right or wrong. cause i do believe that protecting your mental health is important. for example, if you just experienced a breakup and your friend is celebrating an engagement or proposal, you can genuinely be happy for them and still admit that it is emotionally difficult for you to constantly see it. muting a status or taking space does not always mean you wish them bad. but let me tell you a story my pastor has shared with us in church a couple of times. he said that there was a season in his life when he was trusting God for a car, and it happened to be the same season when almost everyone around him was buying cars. and naturally, he felt that human reaction of, “GOD, where is my own?” it was not that he was not happy for them, but it was difficult watching others receive what he was still praying for. he said that one day, someone came into his office to tell him he had just bought a new car. and instead of allowing comparison or discouragement settle in his heart, he went out of his office, prayed over the car, entered the car by himself, drove it to the nearest filling station, and told the attendant to fill the tank with petrol. and somehow his heart felt differently, more likeeeee a relief!

he said since then he made it a habit that whenever he was trusting GOD for something and saw that same blessing happening around him, he would keep praying and telling GOD that the blessing should multiply. you see, the real battle is not even what we are waiting for, but the condition of our hearts while we are waiting. because the truth is, jealousy can quietly grow if it is not checked. for example, if someone keeps experiencing heartbreak and then sees a friend happily getting engaged, it can be very hard to genuinely celebrate them and if such person has not worked on their heart enough to still bless that friend, it can slowly turn into something darker. i know this sounds extreme, but it is real.

if someone is trusting GOD for a child and their friend just had a baby, if they do not intentionally guard their heart, they may struggle to celebrate that child or even be around them. and sometimes, if something bad happens to that child or person , a part of their heart might feel relief instead of compassion. the same thing happens in smaller ways too. i have seen situations where someone who is single feels comforted when their friend’s relationship fails, saying things like, “now all of us are single together.” it may sound like a joke, but it shows how easy it is for pain to make us celebrate things we normally would not.

this is why i am sharing this because i truly believe that one of the best ways to keep your heart clean is by PRAYING FOR PEOPLE who have what you are still trusting GOD for. it is very difficult to genuinely pray for someone and still hate them at the same time. prayer forces love to grow in places where jealousy wants to live. prayer reminds you that another person’s blessing is not your loss. it also keeps your heart soft, kind, and hopeful while you wait for your own time. and of course, praying for others doesn’t mean pretending it doesn’t hurt; it just means refusing to let your hurt turn you into someone you don’t recognize.

so, maybe protecting your mental health is valid sometimes. taking space is understandable. but while doing that, it is also important to keep working on your heart so that comparison does not grow into bitterness, and waiting does not turn into wishing others bad. like i always say, life is different for everyone, and sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is celebrate others, pray for them, and trust that our own story is still unfolding.

STORYTELLER: MARY AYINDE