I tried to understand why this is happening. So to decode my emotions, the first thing I did was to notice the patterns — when I am feeling this way? And what I noticed was not shocking at all. I usually used to feel like this during the night or when I was doing nothing — and in all those cases, I used to scroll through social media — which led to social comparison, and all the things that were big achievements for me never felt enough. I go out with my friends, have good scores in exams, have loving parents, still, this never felt enough because I was looking at somebody’s finish line and considering it as my starting line, and hence, I used to feel this is unfair, but I can’t have the same starting line as others.

It really woke me up — I remembered all the projects I ignored, all the things I procrastinated on, thinking they were so imperfect to present in front of the world because of this comparison.

I started to use the phone less; still, there were moments when my hands used to go towards the phone, my mind saying just for five minutes, and half an hour later, my fingers were still on the screen scrolling reels and posts. I understood, I gave time to myself; I stopped running towards perfection and tried doing things that I used to love — drawing, painting, taking a walk. I used to think that social media was an escape for me from boredom, but I noticed that social media was my coping mechanism against anxiety, and it was also the source of it. So, I replaced the coping mechanism; I started reading or listening to music.

The fear of being alone with my thoughts used to scare me, so I used to block those thoughts by listening to a stand-up comedy or a crime podcast in the background while doing chores or writing an assignment. I stopped that, too. It was hard at first, but now it feels like therapy — I am untangling the complicated feeling while washing dishes and fully concentrating on my assignment — rather than surviving it, I am enjoying it. Also, I noticed that scrolling through social media led me to ignore my surroundings. The small things I used to notice that used to make me happy, like birds chirping, cats yawning, kids playing, or any small interactions with people or interactions that do not include conversations, but used to make me feel warm from inside, used to put a smile on my lips, and even on the worst days, used to make me feel better. These small things that used to make me happy, or as I call them, ‘The happiness pills,’ were really important to me, and I started to understand that now.

We can not change things in a day; it’s a slow process. It took me a month, or you can say more, to achieve this stage. There are things like not being able to go out without headphones or wanting things to be perfect or fear of missing out on things due to not being on social media, etc are still in progress. But probably me writing this blog ( which is my first ever blog) really is evidence of my progress. So I just want to say live in the moment. Love yourself and don’t be hard on yourself. Changes are slow, but the efforts to make those changes are worth it.