I’m searching for a path to victory,
a silver light within my creative womb.
All I find is exhaustion.
Caution. Expectation. Pressure.

Was this the future I saw myself in?
What about the colors? The lunacy? The passion?
Where did they go?

I stood upon a rock,
hearing voices behind a wall,
in the midst of a war.
What a sad fortune.

But…
was this pain, this loss,
my only resurrection?
An awakening of creation
even within sorrow?

I want to hold you when you feel down.
I want to see your vulnerability. I want to see you honest and raw.
I want to take you in my arms and not let go when you want to give up.
I want to see you growing, changing, healing and learning.
I just don’t want for you to push me away because it feels too good and perfect.

To sit in silence not expecting nothing but love and respect.
I want to be with you without fearing you would go when things get too crazy in life. I want to be with you without feeling as if I’m always just on my own when everything sucks. I want to be with you not fearing about being sensible, vulnerable and creative.

And this is what I want from you. To be. To be us. For you to be you. For me to be me. Uncensored. All crystal clear.

By Tatiana Alfaro. Find me on www.tatianaalfaro.com

Changes don’t happen from one day to another. It took me two years to learn to let go and surrender to life. Bare with me, and get to know a part of my story. Because I want to remind you that it’s ok to not feel like a “new person” this month. That it’s ok when personal development takes time.

Where can I even begin? It’s hard to put into words how many emotions and events I’ve experienced the past two years.

A bunch of crazy events

Making a review of 2017 (what I called a year of brokenness): I went from an existential crisis to the loss of someone I loved deeply, to a breakup I didn’t want to happen, to a family crisis, to problems at work, to serious health issues, to a tough economic situation.

These events, altogether, were the perfect formula to develop a depression episode. For a moment, I thought death was the only way to calm pain, despair, and suffering.

I never had thoughts like these before, so I asked for help and went to therapy. I put all my efforts to get out of depression and this gave me the opportunity to see good progress. (*Here I’d like to point out that progress doesn’t mean all your emotional wounds are completely healed*).

By the end of December of 2017, I thought that new year would be a great time for me because “new year, new you.” We see it everywhere, don’t we?

Thought I was doing so great that I put into consideration ending therapy -thankful I didn’t- and trying to find a new job.

I jumped into new year wanting everything to be perfect and put so many pressure on myself on getting stable and get on track, that I forgot that life happens. ’Cause only found rest for a month.

In February I got a new job and was really happy to learn new things, but the fairytale didn’t last long. In March my right foot suffered an injury that forced me to be in recovery the whole year -and by the way, I still doing it-.

I had to spend two months in bed. Just can’t describe the amount of physical pain I experienced through this whole time, plus sleepless nights, frustration, anger, ugly crying and a lot of loneliness. Because even if your family or friends are around you, the process you live it’s only yours.

I got debts from health expenses, in October I got fired from my job and psychological therapy got extended, of course.

Lessons from pain

Normally, people think “Oh, poor you. What bad luck! I don’t know what I would do in your place.” I can’t tell you what would you do. But I know what I did: fight for myself. Heal. Let go. Forgive. Accept life as it is, as it comes. To love more. Not take anything for granted.

I won’t deny that all these years sucked because they did. But I learned to call them a positive pain. (And no, I won’t romanticize pain, just keep reading).

This positive pain gave me the chance to connect on a deeper way with my family and best friends. I broke up my own emotional walls. If I want to give you a compliment, I won’t keep those words into my heart.

I’m not ashamed of being a sensitive person anymore. The world made me believe that to be sensitive was a synonym of weakness, but it’s all the opposite. To say what you feel requires volumes of courage.

I used to think that I could do everything on my own, that I didn’t need anyone, because if I did it was like betraying my independence, autonomy, and solitude.

Yes, it is your responsibility to pick yourself from the ground, but you should know that human beings are social beings, that’s why we live in communities and that’s why people’s tenderness, love and help it’s important to our stability.

I also learned that I don’t want to spend my whole life just working and enjoy life until I’ll get retired. Won’t die to be the “best worker”, to have “the best idea”, or gain social recognition, because all of those things fade in a second. None of those things will be with you when you hit the bottom.

I found that my emotional and mental health is not negotiable with anything. No with a job, a great salary, nor with a friend, a family member or a love partner.

If something breaks me rather than give me stability, peace and calm, then it’s time to say goodbye. Even if that’s what I never wanted at the beginning.

Now I understand that without having a balance on your health, your emotions, your mind, and spirit, you can’t give true love to those around you, not even to yourself.

What now?

I bloomed, I reborn, I changed a lot since 2017 and this didn’t happen because of a new year. This happened because of time, suffering, loneliness and a very broken heart.

I don’t know what will happen in 2019, but I’m doing what it’s possible to do today. So, don’t worry about not being a “new you” this new year, take one day at the time.

Healing, letting go and stability will happen if you work for that and if you be patient with the process.

Do what you can with what you have today, celebrate yourself for that and leave the rest to whoever you believe in this life: destiny, universe or God.

💛Like this? Leave a comment, share it or give a clap. 😄

30 de julio de 2018

[Unas palabras para el hombre que se siente en caída libre en un mundo desconocido: Sentirse. Vivirse. Llorarse.]

Nunca se ha tratado de tu cara.
Ni de tu cuerpo. Ni de la ausencia
o sobreabundancia de tus vellos.

Olvidáte que tu virilidad
se defina en torno a tu sexo
o los gemidos que provoques.
Vos sos más que eso.

Nunca se ha tratado de
cuánto ganas o qué tenés.
Ni de los miedos
a no alcanzar tus sueños,
ni mucho menos de los escalofríos
que te dan por revelar
hasta los más grises secretos.

Se trata que te amés, en mayúsculas
sin hipocresías ni vacilaciones.
Que te respetés como guardería
y con reverencia dentro de un templo.
Que lo hagas con tanta intensidad
que ni te quepa adentro.
Que te rebalse así de los bolsillos
y nunca te canses de compartirlo.

Que sintás tu bello cuerpo columpiarse
entre las líneas rectas.
Donde no hay carretera sinuosa
y aun así el camino se disfruta.
Los estrechos monosílabos.
La torpeza de abrirse pero
que es suave entre tanta
testosterona.

Se trata que te sintás
cómodo en tu desnudez.
Que te trates con ternura,
paciencia y sencillez.

Se trata que confesés qué
te duele o aflige. Así, sin
titubeos. Aunque sea
con una lágrima
y en silencio, o con un grito
de desespero mientras te
jalas el pelo.

Que no tengas inseguridad
de decir que no te gusta
hablarlo todo, que te basta
con compartir una canción
que diga lo que sentís
sin tener que ponerte bolo.

Compartir una frase
que te tocó allá por dentro.
Confesarte la infancia
que te dolió. La que te alegró.

Mirarte en el cristal, el vidrio
y el espejo y sentirte orgulloso
que sos un hermoso sendero.
A veces un tanto agitado,
a veces un tanto caliente,
a veces un tanto templado,
pero sin miedo a perderse.

Que siempre te sintás completo y saciado.
Estés solo o acompañado.
Que no tengas resistencia
ni a la soltería, ni a tus espacios.

Que te olvides que tenés
que ponerte capa de héroe olímpico.
La de nada me duele,
soy fuerte, soy frío.
Asi soy yo y solo prosigo.

Que digas el vacío que te dejó
que no te repitieran
lo especial que sos en tu silueta
corpulenta y rígida.
En tu barriga con pelos o
en tus músculos de bronce y lirios.

Ya sé que no es que siempre necesites escucharlo,
pero es que, admitílo, se siente bien recordarlo,
sentirlo con todos tus sentidos.

Así que no sintas vergüenza
por anhelar un abrazo.
No mintás por que en secreto
también desearías masturbar todas
tus sensaciones:
el dolor, la ansiedad,
el llanto, el nerviosismo, la alegría,
la esperanza, el coraje.

Que te importe un carajo
tener la sensibilidad
que siempre has querido
esconder y que quizá
hasta odies.
Solo recordálo, tenerla
no te hace más ni menos hombre.

*Advertencia: este artículo se encamina a hablar de relaciones donde no existe ningún tipo de violencia física ni psicológica.*

En algún tiempo durante mi adolescencia fui presa de las expectativas acerca de una relación. Sí, presa de esta extraña idea social que nos enseña a esperar acciones de otra persona hacia nosotros, como si ellos debieran cumplir requisitos dentro de un contrato.

A mis veinte años decidí renunciar a ese forma de pensamiento y a medida avanza el tiempo esa necesidad de “esperar” ha logrado desaparecer un poco cada vez más, permitiéndome mantener paz con mi presente y mi pasado.

Esperando que sea útil para ti, quiero compartirte lo que he aprendido en este trayecto -en el que aún me mantengo- y que me ha enseñado, a través de los años, a liberar sentimientos negativos en relación a la vida y el amor.

La palabra “expectativa”, según su significado etimológico se define como “esperanza a que suceda algo”.

“Yo esperaba que él me acompañara a…”, “Después que salga con ella ojalá…”, “Cuando nos casemos esperaría que tengamos…”, “Yo quería que ella me llamara, pero…” ¿Ya has escuchado alguna de estas frases, cierto?

Desde el momento en que esperas que tu pareja le agraden todas las cosas que a ti te interesan, que haga por ti las mismas cosas que tu harías por ella, que te sorprenda en cierta fecha o que haga cualquier cosa que tengas en tu mente, desde ese momento ya tienes expectativas.

Todo lo que esperas de una pareja ha sido un deseo que ha surgido desde tu pasado. Este deseo se ha materializado dentro de ti como una idea que debe llevarse a cabo en tu futuro o en tu presente y un “no sucederá” no es negociable.

Las expectativas no son ni buenas ni malas. Pero dependiendo del grado de apego que tengas hacia ellas, pueden resultar nocivas hacia ti y la relación que tengas.

Cuando no ves materializado cualquier deseo que esperas de esa persona te decepcionas, te frustras, te enojas, quedas insatisfecho o incluso lloras. Y son estas mismas sensaciones las que pueden llevarte al camino de la ira, del resentimiento, odio y rencor hacia tu pareja.

Pero no será a tu pareja a quién debas esas emociones naturalmente negativas, sino a la expectativa que no logró cumplirse.

Los “yo espero”, “yo quisiera” se convierten en expresiones egoístas, contrarias al amor, porque lo único que buscas es que tu esperanza se lleve acabo como tú siempre lo has querido. No valoras las condiciones de la otra parte. Solo la tuya.

Una expectativa nunca será como la realidad, puede ser mejor o peor que ella pero nunca igual, entonces ¿por qué aferrarse a esa ilusión y no dejar que sea la vida quien se encargue de sorprenderte?

Renuncia a toda esperanza que creaste sobre una relación y el amor en tu pasado para que abras paso a la libertad de vivir en el presente y disfrutar a plenitud de quién es -o podría ser- tu pareja. Ese ser basto de sentimientos, de sensaciones, de virtudes, de desaciertos. Agradece tan solo su existencia, sus latidos, sus intentos.

Las personas pueden tornarse mejor que cualquier ilusión cuando nos dejamos sorprender por su verdadera esencia y no cerramos nuestras mentes a que deben cumplir con la fotografía mental que tenemos de ellas y de cómo deberían actuar.

Tu pareja nunca podrá ser esa idea que has alimentado a través de filmes, libros, canciones, redes sociales, charlas de amigos o incluso vacíos que deseaste llenar en tu pasado. Tu pareja, aunque singular en su naturaleza, solo será un ser humano más igual que tú. Con fallas, con aciertos.

La próxima ves que te preguntes, “¿Mis expectativas en el amor?” No te respondas, deja que las cosas sigan su curso.

Tú eres un ser único y nunca podrás ser las expectativas de alguien más. Tu pareja es un ser único y nunca podrá ser tus expectativas. ¿Para qué pedirle a un tucán que habite en la Antártida si para eso ya existen pingüinos?

Comparte conmigo un “clap” si este artículo te ha gustado, te ha permitido meditar o ha sido útil. Sígueme en instagram.

Since almost seven months ago I’ve been through a tough life roller coaster with up’s and down’s. In a blink of an eye I’ve had to deal with change, loss, trauma, health issues and a painful injury. But despite any kind of physical, emotional or mental pain I’ve been facing, there’s a word that has remain in my process: healing.

You know? I decided to invest my time in healing and do something more than complaining, feeling pity or mad with myself as I did in the past. This time I wanted to make things different.

I don’t know what situation you might be going through while reading this, but if you’re into a process of healing (physically, mentally or emotionally) I want to share with you some reminders that have helped me to not drown in this wave of life:

So, here it goes:

1. Be grateful:

I know you might be thinking this is a cliché one. But I promise is not. I used to think that way but I realized I never put all my intentions in this simple little action.

So, one day after having a breakdown, crying like a little baby coming to the world from her mother’s womb , I felt like I really wanted to try that exercise of writing just three things about what I felt grateful. It was like a call coming from my body and soul.

Each morning before checking my mails I wrote down on simple notes the things I felt thankful for in the morning and I gotta admit that I’ve found true happinness on those simple words. They gave me reasons to smile, keep going and strive for a recovery.

2. Be patience

Beep, beep! Slow down! Why are you running? Please, understand and acknowledge your body that “healing” and “recovery” is not about a race. There’s no winners or losers into this path. Is only about you and time.

I know there will be days when you don’t want to deal with any kind of pain and it’s more easy to get bitter, complain and be harsh on people. But choose with courage the difficult path: be comprehensive with yourself and your body. Don’t push him to be into a place where he’s not ready to be. Give him the space and time he’s asking for.

Take one day at the time. Try to control anxious thoughts about what it’s going to happen tomorrow, the next week or the next year. Tell yourself, that by thinking it, there’s no way you’ll still know what can happen in the future.

3. Be loving with yourself

Would you say to a loved one who’s going through a hard time (physically or mentally): “You’re body is so stupid and disgusting!”, “I feel mad with you because you can’t find a way to work it out”, “Why can’t you handle pain?”, “You’re so weak!”.

I’m pretty sure you won’t say it. So, tell me, why would you do it to yourself? Please, make a pause and check how you are talking and treating yourself.

As I decided to write three things I felt grateful, I also decided to write three things I love about myself. This one was tough but not impossible.

The results? I discovered new things about me, who I am now, where I want to go and new abilities I’ve developed in the past years. This one wasn’t only about “How much I love my hair and nails!” (Wich I really do!) . It was more about building a new kind of confidence into the adult I’ve become.

The more insights I did about myself, I discovered also the kind of companionship I wanted to be for others and the people who surrounded me.

4. Seek positive companionship

Be wise choosing where you look for support. Not all people are interested on your needs, battles, storms and crisis.

Protect yourself from persons who are making you feel drained, exahusted or misunderstood. Engage on those relationships that makes you feel cherished, calm and rested.

Put healthy distances on those companionships you feel are not helping in the recovery process. In a moment of healing: you are first, so don’t feel sorry to hide in your shell for a time.

5. Express yourself

Cry, scream, run, paint, write, talk, dance or do everything above. I can’t tell you how you should express your emotions. But find a way where you feel comfortable and do it! Put an exit for all those hard stuff that are attacking your mind and peace.

To talk stuff is hard for me, but I found painting and writing are my best friends to express my feelings. And now we are into a serious relationship!

It has been found that participating in artistic activities generates complex brain activity that can stimulate the growth of new neurons in the cerebral cortex. Taking part in artistic activities has been associated with better mental health outcomes. Exposure to music or the visual arts has been associated with reduced anxiety, pain, and length of hospital stay in various populations (oncology, surgery, geriatric medicine). Noiseux S, St-Cyr Tribble D, Leclerc C, Ricard N, Corin E, Morissette R, Lambert R BMC Health Serv Res. 2009 May 1; 9():73.

6. Work on your spiritual life

[Note: This reminder will depend on your personal beliefs.]

I consider myself a person who’s trying to follow Christ. That’s my personal belief. And no, I’ll not use this space trying to convince you to believe on what I do. But if you have any kind of spiritual life you feel you have disregarded, jump in her again.

Spiritual experiences have helped me to stay calm in my present and try to not get crazy about the things I cannot change. For me, this has been my key to trust into my process of healing.

When it comes to spiritual lives, it’s also never too late to beging again.

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Please share if this post has been useful for you on the comment section. Also, if you have a story to share, please feel free to do it. I’ll love to hear from you.

-How are you?
-Pretty good! -he/she said, lying.-

I’m pretty sure you can feel related to this kind of conversation where someone asks you how you’ve been doing and you feel forced to give a positive answer and pretend you are doing good.

Try to remember how many times you just wanted to say “I’m bad”, “I feel lost”, “I feel angry”, and then you wanted to cry or ask for a hug, but you felt you couldn’t do it. So, you just decided to lie and force yourself to say “I’m ok”. Have you asked yourself why do you act that way?

We’ve been socially taught that even if we’re not feeling in a good mood we should put a smile on our faces, pretend we are not having troubles and to “stay positive”.

One day I was walking at my office and a mate asked me how I was. For what I answered: really bad! Not feeling well right now. So, I’m not expecting a great mood for today. Of course I was not going to give him details about my personal life but I was validating my emotional status. He got uncomfortable and said: yeah… well! Just forget about the negative and smile.

Was he guilty for his lack of empathy? Not at all, of course. But this is just a simple example that we are not prepared to deal with emotions because we haven’t received any kind of education about this topic that is part of our daily lives and our inner selves. Just imagine this: we can’t even deal with our own.

We put a lot of emotional weight under our backs by pretending to feel positive emotions we’re not living nor having. And so we go on our ways carrying a backpack full of negative emotions until we get into a crisis and we don’t know how to deal with them.

If today you’re not feeling happy, friendly or active that’s ok. If today you feel sad, mad, scared, frustrated (put the name of whatever you’re feeling here___): please don’t lie to yourself. Just accept that emotion and let her be inside of you.

To accept a negative emotion doesn’t mean you’ll have to literally run into a street to scream, cry or punch someone in the face. To accept it means that you will help your brain to understand what’s going on inside of you. The more you do it the more you liberate weight from your daily backpack. Just remember: It’s ok to not be ok.