it has to be reminded that water did not remain the
same when it let sugar in.
would that have happened if it refused to be whole?

sugar exists. with or without water.

look at yourself, earphones plugged in,
looking out the window,
your curiosity circling,
the most random, stupid thoughts that you don’t even wanna share out loud
the spotting of a yellow t-shirt hanging out from a window
and you thinking,
what if we could have a space to dry our clothes out in
the sun too, somewhere hidden from the public eye,
here in the city? the slight sprinkle of water droplets on your face as you shake the clothes straight, a welcome contradiction against the sun.

an audience at most would resonate with your feelings,
or not even care about them at all,
but sometimes why don’t you try falling in love with the
way your hand goes to your forehead in a facepalm,
laughing at the absurdity of your thoughts?

must you not exist for yourself as wholly and joyfully as you do when it comes to getting dissolved into a different, partnered entity?

when i leave, i’ll pack my bags and yours. i know you’ll leave right after me.

i’ll treat myself to that god awful mint choco chip ice-cream, one last time- just to remember the taste of your lips against mine, like the very first time.

i’ll leave behind pictures and songs and letters.

i will not stand back to watch you fumble around trying to find traces of me in the things that i love. tell you what, take a look in the mirror.

i’ll leave behind breadcrumbs that follow a wrong trail. you’ll always end up on the wrong path and you’ll always wonder why.

i will spray the bottle of perfume that you like the most all over the bedsheets where we’ll last lay together. you might change your sheets, but you will not stop spraying that perfume- even when it chokes you. i will take all of your warm words and wrap them around me. a little help for when the cold within becomes unbearable.

when i leave, i know my heart will sink to my feet and my skin will yearn for your touch- but i will leave. i will leave because you will want to. i will leave because you won’t.

[we are lazy syllables crumbling into one another

we are not bigger than this moment

we cannot be something that fades away]

you’ve always needed something to blame, anyway.

so i will be the collateral damage,

i will be deemed as the cruel lover,

and i will leave.

This is original piece I wrote in 2018, when I was 17. I hadn’t known love deeply, but I had known heartbreak and the feeling of not being enough. Writing flowed through me following the slightest pricks I felt. I wonder where that is lost now. I wish to come back to writing.