Forgiveness is a complex topic. A large part of enabling the skill of forgiveness is choosing to live in peace by not needing things from others emotionally or in actuality as far as personal independence. Working towards not living in anger or frustration when we are having difficulty forgiving is a part of the process. How do we handle this dichotomy and the role of tension emotions play which hold us back from forgiveness? The skill of forgiveness may be more important to us socially than we realize. Findings from a study conducted by the Fetzer Institute reveal that most Americans feel the need to show more forgiveness in their personal lives and worldwide.

In my experience there is a fine line when trying to manage my capacity for forgiveness. I have also consequently held friends to low standards for the quality of our interactions. Even recently I had an acquaintance tell me I needed to get better friends. How do we decide when we just plain deserve better? Forgiveness can either be accompanied by the continuation of a situation or the end. As an adult friendships can be difficult to come by. Personally I’ve had a lot of difficulty dating as well, as an adult it just seems to ruin things. Consequently I tend to keep things in the “friend zone”, because forgiveness is very difficult territory in these situations for many people, me included. However, blocking out dating and relationships does not get me any closer to the fulfillment of having a family and being loved by a husband of my choosing as I envisioned since childhood. At times maintaining forgiveness can seem like a trade-off for respect or be confused with lowering expectations. As a single black woman I often feel held to insurmountable expectations from strangers all the way up to family and friends. How I should behave, what choices I should make, what I should allow or give time, attention, energy or money to shifts with an ever changing hierarchy. My existence feels relative, and dispensable. It’s difficult to forgive when the stakes seem high, because in many cases my forgiveness will probably not be reciprocated.

At some point the anger or the grudge or the action led by resentment or repressed feelings is all we have to cling to when things change. Realizing that the toxic attachment we create to emotions, people, and situations when we are unforgiving is only affecting our own reality is the first step. When battling these types of things with others we are more so battling our own self by recreating a significant negative interaction to continuously engage with emotionally and mentally. It’s almost like an addiction, and all you have to do is go to that memory in your mind to justify the emotional pattern once the situation is over.

We may need to come to terms with the idea that most people, places and things come and go throughout our lives. We must greet a new season in our life with trust curiosity and open arms and say goodbye to the past with the same vigor knowing that closing a chapter is not negative, but a natural progression of your lifes true purpose and journey. We may struggle with letting go because we can’t fix things or make them go back to the “good times” and yes that’s uncomfortable, but we have to forgive in a way that does not perpetuate agitation. We have to choose to truly move on from it and transition. That’s where the grey area is. Do we start to shut ourselves off emotionally from the world in order to not care? Do we take on all the responsibility and burden of constantly fixing or mitigating our own pain, suffering or anger?

In some schools of thought they teach you to observe your feelings more like a guest passing through your awareness. In this way we are not the hosts of emotions, but vessels where they pass through. Secondly, as humans we tend to attach meaning to all feelings thereby creating an emotion and subsequently attaching a story to it to rationalize it and so on. How dare we allow any mysterious vibration in our stomach or strange energy in our chest to dictate so pointedly our outward interactions or the sense we make of the world around us? Each way we turn it seems like running from being human is the thing we have to do and we may even feel guilt for living in a mindset that needs to constantly be corrected. The mental stamina it takes to constantly be correcting or fixing ourselves can be exhausting. Its difficult to go from a scarcity mindset to a mindset of abundance and maintain it. Life is happening constantly all around us regardless of how we wish or plan to react to it. Life’s situations have their own demands. We can either surrender to the unknown or keep fighting for an idealized life of our choosing.

Forgiving myself allows me to learn from past experiences and attempt to do better in the future. This applies to both personal and professional life. I think in sharing our forgiveness practices we tend to express them in broad sweeping statements or one or two particular instances. However, it’s really the complex grey area that we need to unpack and create tangible steps for if we want to consistently and methodically help ourselves and others to forgive as part of a health and well-being practice. Below are some things to consider in order to help fight through the grey area of forgiveness.

1. Regret: Being conscious of the feeling of regret is very important, because it makes us feel wrong for making decisions or changing things from the way they once were. Often times regret comes during moments of nostalgia when you think of the best possible times a situation had to offer. Be careful not to fall into this trap. When I sense myself becoming nostalgic or see people try to engage me in conversations about the past that seem overly idealistic I turn to the lessons learned rather than try to wish back the experience. I counterbalance regretful moments that seem to thrive in uncertainty by reminding myself of the cause for needing to let go of that circumstance or life choice. Finally, another tool I use to combat regret is rooted in gratitude. Acknowledge the people and places that exist in the present and write down one reason you can be thankful for each of these present constants even if they also have flaws.
2. Feeling wronged: Sometimes we are forced to be in proximity to people who have wronged us or want to manipulate us. In these circumstances it’s easy to fall into the role of feeling victimized. When I start to notice feelings of defensiveness or victimization I try to realign my consciousness. There is no way to ignore the elephant in the room, but the elephant is not the entire room. In this way you can allow yourself to not need tension to thrive even if the other person does. This will probably not stop the other person from trying to make you engage with their negativity, but it will allow you to have the power of choice to not engage and this is also a form of forgiveness. Not all forgiveness looks the same. This does not mean you can’t respectfully speak up for yourself, but always consider if its worth it or not to engage. In this way we forgive by “letting it go” even if you are justified in feeling wronged.
3. Understanding: Try and understand the other side. Perhaps they are viewing the situation through a very different lens. Sometimes if we feel misunderstood we can start by understanding a situation from the view of other people in it. At times this can be difficult or even painful. It also requires “being the bigger person” which doesn’t come with any flashy bells or whistles attached and also may mean we have to sacrifice our own ego or rightness for someone else’s. This is a form of forgiveness, because although there is no resolution there is a conscious choice to exercise compassion as a tool rather than negativity.
4. Self-love: Remind yourself that you are malleable and can trust yourself to find good solutions for any situation. There is no perfection, you will not please everybody. You can still be whole and happy if others are displeased or upset. This is another form of forgiveness, because you acknowledge that you are mentally and emotionally stable regardless of perceived imperfections.You forgive your human nature and surrender to self-acceptance which is probably the only potential constant you control. Confidence or the feeling of success does not need to be determined by the outside or collective approval of others. The same you is present in perceived success or failure.

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The Grey Area of Forgiveness was originally published in Thrive Global on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

As we approach the new year we acknowledge a time for change and commitment to goals. In doing so I begin to think about the preparation involved in yielding success as well as a healthy balanced daily life. In most cases success isn’t something grand happening everyday. More reasonably it is an ebb and flow rather than a consistent repetition of outward proof or accomplishment.

The plague of questioning ourselves at every turn challenges progress and gives power to nuisances like impostor syndrome or a lack of productivity. Similarly, I have been consciously considering how to actively and consistently feed the progress of a new or enhanced life. Gaining from past experiences and recognizing negative behaviors and patterns in our lives especially when masked by new circumstances is critical for our self awareness. This will assist in prioritizing actions for being our best selves.The more we acknowledge complacency or old positivity that is lacking the more we are feeding the past or attempting to coddle ourselves in our comfort zone. Without inward or outward blame realizing these changes and making adjustments towards your new fulfillment is key, but how? In preparation for a successful start and finish to the new year here are some things to consider.

1.) Setting incremental goals

A lot of times we hear people telling us to “jump” or make these big faith-based changes. While this approach has its place in some capacities it can be impractical for many people to do all at once in a big grand gesture when changing their lives. However, making small commitments to change and sticking to them can add up as well without jeopardizing your current well-being. Chipping away at actions large and small day by day or changing our surroundings and the company we keep can suffice. One simple practice to try is using your personal calendar daily and planning your personal time for the week in advance with the core tasks scheduled as an outline. This way even if you postpone something it can be done consciously by actively rescheduling it.

Making incremental changes will lots of times be invisible to people around you or even unwelcome when not accompanied by a fuller picture. It is important to not need outward validation for incremental progress. Incremental shifts can be more manageable and sustainable over time for feeding the new in a steady incline of growth. The imagery I have for this is like feeding a baby bird. Preparing a small mixture doing everything just right one important step at a time and in the end what seems like the tiniest amount providing enough sustenance.

2.) Giving less power to circumstances that no longer serve your goals or well-being.

This can also be a challenge since we tend to contextualize our lives with familiar people places and things. This does not mean you need to eradicate all your life structures. However, community and interconnectedness should be navigated with care and self preservation in mind. Not needing to appease people’s expectations or places they have for you in their lives can create friction, but the greater good is your own personal progress. This includes not being dragged into character roles of other people’s lives thereby negating your own truth and existence. This is a form of self respect. In doing so we may need to give up our need to be understood. This can be difficult, since we want to be accepted and reaffirmed with agreement. This may become an opportunity to change your hierarchy of personal need or check your ego. Potentially, this will be painful or cause feelings of betrayal and deceit, but change is real. Attempt to be observant rather than reactive or participatory in thoughts or feelings. Keep in mind that you want to strategize the pieces more like a game of chess. This will require the capacity to have a removed perspective otherwise we can become easily overtaken by distraction. In this way our only opponent is our own self. Attention and thought process can give way to creating aspects of our life and awareness that require us to live in stress in order to maintain, but consequently are unnecessary.

3.) Take action

A big reliever of stress is rooted in action. Once you start to do something fears like inadequacy begin to shift into growth of knowledge and new capabilities. Akin to putting one foot in front of the other task oriented progress is results driven. Staying rooted in action or tasks will be very important in carrying on beyond imperfections and perceived lack in comparison to our end goals

4.) Our existence as people is both big and small.

Even though we are microscopic in comparison to the vastness of the universe at times we put so much pressure on ourselves to meet goals and achievements that once met still leave us standing in the dark. Therefore even when we are “not there yet” we still have to reinforce the same inner work and self care as what we think we deserve or will feel when “we are there.” That is because “there” is relative.

It is likely that your destination is not what you imagined or that once reached there will be a new ceiling or more that’s required to garner the full capacity of what you want to obtain. In all these scenarios it’s imperative that we master the art of feeding the new. It should be approached in a multifaceted way that encourages longevity rather than perfection. Every year at the same time we make promises and start new endeavors or strive for more. When doing this it’s important to prepare yourself and plan for longevity. When the “going gets rough” you will need a plan or reserve for self preservation. This plan should include tools for creating perspective. This will be helpful in not allowing circumstances or perception of self to diminish progress. One tool for creating perspective is being careful not to expect or require more than what something presents at its base level for satisfaction. Some examples are a social situation or a job. Each has the capacity to contribute more than the base offering to our lives which is great, but we also need to be comfortable at the base when add ons or “perks” whether social or financial are not present. This practice also assists in feeding gratitude. Often times the things we enjoy exist outside of the base level. Acknowledging them and being grateful no matter how small or seemingly insignificant is a healthy practice.

In greatness or defeat our true self is the consistent baseline which can be compromised in both capacities if we allow ourselves to be defined solely by circumstance. Feeding the new requires a long term sustainable approach. Strategizing consistent incremental progress is critical for navigating a life of our choosing, and is best supported by acceptance of self.

Want to learn more about At Liberty LLC? Listen to a recent interview with founder Tiffany N. Spearman here.

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Feeding the New was originally published in Thrive Global on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I have recently been making a concerted effort to bring spirituality back into my life on the daily basis. When Thrive Global asked “How do you make spirituality a part of your life?” I became both reflective and observant. Sometimes people who are good at spirituality can appear ostentatious almost as if it’s a contest. Who’s the best “Yogi”and meditates daily or who’s the most religious person? Part of this dynamic may be rooted in the ego or a popular mindset that encourages comparison. I grew up going to church every Sunday. As a child I never imagined that spirituality would exist as a struggle. It always seemed a natural part of things or omnipresent. As an adult my spiritual practices vary and include prayer as well as mindfulness techniques and transformational knowledge.

It turns out that feeling conflicted about spiritual practices or religion is not uncommon. Research shows that millennials are likely to be the least religious but alternatively may be more spiritual. Statistics from The Pew Research Center 2014 Religious Landscape Study shows that just 41% of millennials think religion is important vs.55% that think about the meaning and purpose of life as being important. Is spirituality something you’re looking to strengthen along with your overall well-being? Part of the progress may be as simple as acknowledging spirituality as a true practice. Meaning that it takes a repeated exercise in performance just like building a muscle.

• Try not to block spirituality with overthinking. Having faith or a sustainable approach to a long term spiritual practice also requires letting go and having trust in those systems. Whether it be transformational knowledge or religion we have to allow the practices to work by relinquishing some control. This primarily includes overthinking desired outcomes both short and long-term. Creating a predetermined schedule is one way to relieve stress associated with strengthening spiritual habits. One thing to try is inserting a practice like meditation for example daily for a certain duration of time. You might plan to wake up twenty minutes early every day for fourteen days and start your day with a short meditation. This way it doesn’t seem like a large burden to make a life change. You can try it then document for yourself how it felt or may have enhanced your life. You can then feel accomplished at the end of that duration and make a conscious choice to continue or try something different. Either way you get to experience having accomplished a reasonable measurable spiritual goal.
• Simple cooking has become a great mindfulness exercise for me. It helps stimulate an interactive nowness. Watching the oil get hot, cracking an egg and watching it begin to sizzle is a simple vivid, visceral, and interactive experience when fully engaged in the moment. Cooking also helps encourage a non-scarcity mindset. Rather than just thinking how you “didn’t get enough sleep” or “time in the day” you feel gratitude because in front of you there is proof you are fortunate and there is enough.
• Having conversations with others about spirituality. This is something I had stayed away from for a long time. Mostly because it can often be stigmatized as a taboo topic since spirituality tends to be more of a private topic publicly. It’s important that we create safe environments for people even with differing spiritual practices to talk with one another without fear of conflict. Talking out loud again with others about spirituality helps me to stay actively engaged and encouraged. I have always been a spiritual person, but over time my practices became very “to myself” or isolated. Community oriented spirituality can play a vital role in strengthening our practice.
• Being conscious not to replace spirituality or a heightened sense of being with social media. Social media has the potential to be a place to escape or even to be happy or relieved on a gloomy day. It can become oversaturated and repetitive with all the attention grabbing clutter and become a distraction. I think society would benefit from a new type of social media platform. One that’s carefully crafted and not solely full of user generated content. The popular social media platforms undoubtedly have their place. However, with all the algorithmic advances and AI I wonder if something more personalized can exist? In our augmented realities can we go on a mindfulness retreat or play laser tag with friends in real time as easily as joining a group chat? Could it remind me of something I forgot without having to enter all my alerts into the calendar alongside advances like texting without the need to type? In the below 2017 graph from the American Customer Satisfaction Index (ACSI) we can see that popularity or relevance doesn’t necessarily correlate with overall customer satisfaction.

Spirituality has easily become more complex and more multifaceted over time. If we want to bring spirituality closer back to the core of our awareness then we need to consider the same thoughtfulness and discipline we bring to our work-life or bucket list. With willpower and action based progress we can create new habits and enhanced lifestyles of our choosing with greater ease.

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The Thrive Global Community welcomes voices from many spheres. We publish pieces written by outside contributors with a wide range of opinions, which don’t necessarily reflect our own. Learn more or join us as a community member!

Originally published at www.facebook.com. and can be found at Thrive Global.com

Plan Trust and Let Happen was originally published in Thrive Global on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Even among the living sometimes we never know when the last time we will see a person may be. One day you’re frequently saying hello to a peer or colleague and then maybe even years later you think “ oh yeah I wonder how that person is doing” and then realize because of life changes or happenstance that it’s very likely your paths will naturally never cross again. This is what I call a tiny death. Life can seem to be an interesting place filled with the excitement of uncertainty masked by mostly feigned control. As we further this concept and reflect on our daily lives I think how this idea of the potential for constant shedding or “loss” can be used to better our personal lives? First through our awareness as with passerby’s now gone and secondly, through consciously attributing the idea of loss to positive gains as often times when we think of the word loss there is a negative connotation.

My most recent selection for At Liberty’s Booklist is “The Mandala of Being” by Richard Moss, MD and one thing he touches on is the idea of positive affirmations actually being slightly harmful as a manifestation of a feeling of being inadequate in that it reinforces the idea that there is something you must always obtain and the benchmark you “fall below” is constant positivity or a new goal etc. Through this lens we attempt to be better individually by negating our current self as being “enough” or “good”. In the affirmation state of mind there is always a benchmark we are falling below. In this way we are also trying to achieve a tiny death of something we don’t like about ourselves or current circumstance. We want it to go away and never exist again. Can we re-imagine a positive affirmation as a tiny death? Having the capacity to let negative feelings simply fall away and become lost almost without our noticing can be a powerful tool if we begin to engage with our self as the pillar dynamically. Can you “meet” this feeling today and tomorrow be so enthralled with your attention fully engaged in the present that it simply falls away? In this frame of mind rather than reinforcing awareness of negativity by trying to grow beyond it or attain something emotionally that you have not “reached” we now start with our own self as the pillar rather than the task. We can pick and choose what we want and let the rest fall away if it does not suit us, rather than us as individuals being “unsuitable”.

This brings me to another gentle reminder I was re-acknowledging recently. Only we as individuals can be responsible for how we feel. Even if a strong emotion is caused by another person’s actions it’s not up to that person to apologize or for that situation to be rectified in order for you to “feel better”. Often times we want to be understood or for the person who has done something “wrong” to empathize and if we are looking at circumstances bluntly that notion in many cases is unreasonable. It does not mean that you don’t have a right be upset when you’ve been wronged, but seeking reconciliation outside our immediate selves allows our “self” to be removed as the pillar of our reality.

It can be difficult at times, but returning any personal conflict inflicted by outward interactions back to yourself should be the primary goal. Reflection then identification or labeling and a gentle reminder or correction in your perspective can benefit one greatly in a short amount of time. As the pillar of your own existence that is a source of power. An example could be you have switched roles or started at a new company and because of the stature you previously gained you expect to be treated with a higher esteem in your current role and maybe you’re not. In this case although the impact on self-esteem vs. expectations may be generated from an outside circumstance the self should still be the owner of the emotion and may think after reflection and identification how “silly” it is needing constant praise. Then we can shift our thinking and emotional state appropriately. Maybe acknowledging how the less than friendly or excited greeting may be a reflection of work related stressors and next try to get to know people as well as their perspective on their roles and contributions. This quickly returns your focus to the work at hand as to not lose sight on the end goal of your work related responsibility. When we can accurately decipher what has allowed us to be upset by an outward occurrence it allows us to choose “a tiny death” or to let it fall away consistently or permanently through acknowledgment and redirection. This of course does not mean that a situation is never bad or some circumstance does not need outward correction such as a work team that has a lack of accountability that has reflected badly on a leader or someone you trusted who used your friendship against you publicly. It does however mean that in these types of instances your emotional state however caused is not the responsibility of an outside force. It is not up to an apology or for a situation to auto-correct itself in order for your emotional state to shift. Turning the focus inward and labeling the core of your emotional state is the power and privilege of self that you possess when your worth or emotional state is not task driven or affirmed.

What are some tools or resources you use to manage your emotional well-being? If you would like to read along or continue the conversation subscribe to At Liberty’s Booklist here.

The Self as the Pillar was originally published in Thrive Global on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

As society continues to battle with its direction of growth into post-truth it is important to reflect on the influence of emotion and opinion over facts and how we navigate our identity. What things define our core truth, or is there one at all? Perhaps there is only existence or state of being and perception. Perhaps it is things like our profession which is one of the most translucent pieces of identity that we wear on our sleeves. Similar to the way we choose our clothes, the question becomes how easily can I portray myself to the outside world in a way that’s instantaneously palatable and moves me forward in the direction of my choosing? In a post-truth era, we constantly want to project our most ideal truths and desires like an outfit. What does that mean when we are constantly manipulating our appearance or personality in such a two dimensional fashion? Are there things that are sometimes true in the foreground and things that are more consistently true hiding in the background or vice versa? How does the fluidity of our truth make up how we are perceived and able to progress inside societal constraints? Are some fake truths necessary in order to succeed inside the finite confines that are often demanded by both a public and personal image? As our lives become more compartmentalized, it seems to become important for us to know who we want to be at any moment depending on our surroundings. It may be true that you are a woman or a man or transgender and it may also be true that you have a family or love bike riding. These are consistencies that ground us in a shareable identity. We may then treat these types of consistencies as a base from which to promote ourselves to the outside world and navigate our way through the seas of life.

One situation can breed multiple truths based on our own perception. How much does opinion weigh in on the outcome of an individual’s truth or desired circumstance? Neither the opinion you have of yourself, nor the opinion others have of you are indefinitely true or permanently relevant. We struggle as a society with the idea of fluidity in our existence; rules and expectations are harshly defined despite the fact that there are an immeasurable amount of variables each instant. Any misstep or awkward moment somehow becomes seemingly off-course in a system akin to tightly wound, structured chaos. If we mimic the mentality of mass social media in our daily self-assessments and interactions with others, how is that affecting our identity in a post-truth era? The presence of immediate gratification by clicking a button to “like” something or buy something that arrives the next day without leaving the house has undoubtedly made us impatient and sometimes unrealistic. If we are not able to separate the mentality of the habit driven by online culture from daily interactions at a grocery store or in line at the bank, where else are we unable to see the differentiation? It is through this habit that we extend falsehoods: wanting virtual life to be mimicked in reality.

Think of all the ways we can portray ourselves to the world through the filters we choose, Photoshop, and perfectly placed “candid” moments. It is both a privilege and a struggle to have such resources for attaining our idea of our best selves. We should additionally consider it a responsibility to manage this domain with care.

Technology can lead to a false sense of manifested control that breeds unhealthy behaviors. Just the buzz of a phone can cause us to lose our train of thought. Without even thinking it’s as if the wonderment of what it could be or “Who needs what” could potentially be more important than anything existing in the present flesh. Think about how we scour the internet on apps, social media, and web browser searches that have features that allow us to freely probe and submit content. Do we play our own sort of “Big Brother” or are we building a more interconnected world? Is the knee jerk reaction to the “Ding!” of a notification a sign of the importance that has been deeply trained inside of us to exist more fully through our devices?

How does the presence of technology feed into self-identity and perception in our post-truth era? Trying not to care creates an internal opposition that requires energy and focus to maintain like a stretched out rubber band or positive and negative magnets. Acknowledging that we do care, asking why, and then accepting both a negative or positive internal response and moving forward releases this tension and moves us away from the fraudulent release of denial. There is a place of rest when we face issues and occurrences as they really are rather than pretending or wishing they were matched with our inner dialogue. The simple act of being truthful with oneself and one’s current inner perspective assists the resolve. Discomfort in truthfulness is more rational as we are not creating additional tension where there needn’t be any; internal resistance prolongs or increases the stress. These are things to consider for identifying our own truth both in relation to our use of technology and otherwise. Once we are able to be truthful and objective about how we are feeling and why, without placing judgment on the outcomes, we are then better able to have clearer pointed interactions outwardly.

How does the post-truth era play into the oneness and the duality of the self? In other words, how do we reconcile how we are vs. how we want to be and how we are seen vs. how we want to be portrayed? How do we maintain these very separate aspects of our lives in a way that allows us to continue to be rooted in our overarching goals? Staying on track with the “you” that you want to become and how to recognize when you’re getting off track is very important. So is letting yourself off the hook and realigning yourself when you feel you’ve veered off course. Acknowledging that you were wrong about something, felt bad, were anxious, or even laughing, allows you to make peace and move forward rather than trying to deny ever having been anything you didn’t like in all your doings and interactions. Acceptance allows us to simply correct our alignment and move forward and feel good that we have taken the opportunity to stay the course or try again.

What grounds our facts for ourselves internally as individuals? Is it will power when we want to grow in a specific direction, or is it really the room or place we are in on earth or social status? Engagement in social media can also be a defining factor for many people as a reflection of their highest truth and is often a large part of our planning for social and professional development.

It is important to drive our chosen truths through planning and executing consistently, particularly in the constant fluidity of a post-truth era. It is in this era that the importance of disconnecting grows far beyond relaxing or recharging. When we disconnect we allow for unplanned opportunities and important self-discovery. When constantly planning and executing with no release we are blocking the natural energetic progression. When we disconnect we open ourselves up to the opportunity of not controlling.

Our culture demands a bit of hidden arrogance as we always need to know what to plan and how and why in order to meet our desired life goals. Allowing ourselves space to disconnect is necessary, otherwise we may become neurotic and self-obsessed without being fully aware of it. The underlying arrogance that exists in micromanaging, for example, can lead us astray rather than to our destination even with our best intentions at heart. There’s a fine line between being continuously productive and an unhealthy perspective of the human experience. We can benefit from acknowledging that a lack of control exists in our being alongside our free will, similar to a Yin and Yang. Perhaps in some ways we subconsciously attempt to overcompensate for the small amount of our brains that we use consciously vs. the importance of our intrinsic functions. When we work hard and plan then execute accordingly it’s important to counteract that momentum occasionally with a reasonable amount of disconnect or unplanned space to allow for the opportunity of the success we can’t plan or foresee that allows us to grow personally and professionally.

With all the “noise” we have to decipher in our post-truth society from external sources including technology, friends, or colleagues as well as our inner voice, it may be unclear to us at times what is necessary in articulating and actualizing our truth. When we intermittently break ourselves apart to allow the release of energy to move us, opportunities can arise in a way that would be impossible to plan or anticipate. Suddenly a burst of significant creativity that’s been lacking may come to us or perhaps we meet a new contact or potential client inadvertently. At times we need a gentle reminder to allow the plan to work for us in a reciprocal manner. This way when we are in output-mode we allow space for a natural return, or input, which can only happen by disconnecting from our normal routine, changing pace or opening our awareness to the possibility of the universe beyond our direct control. In so doing we can further energize and strengthen our desired truth in the present.

Identity in the Post-truth Era was originally published in Thrive Global on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Becoming aware of how we perceive and process instincts is critical to building the muscle of conscious mental shifts in relation to emotional and cognitive distress. A way to do this is by writing down attributes you experience when distressed. A feeling you get in your stomach, tension that quickly manifests in your neck and forehead, or a change in your breath are all examples. These types of instinctual responses can not only identify for us that we need to make a shift, but also aid us in categorizing what type of shift is needed. Is it sufficient to greet the instinctive reaction with opposition through release rather than opposition by force?

Imagine a large boulder is in front of you, it would be better to go around or perhaps go in the opposite direction rather than to try and move it. These solutions would be obvious to us if we were standing in front of a boulder that was somehow blocking our path. Often times with emotional and cognitive distress, we feel responsible to push the boulder or move it by strength. Often times we think we have to forcefully power through at 100% no matter what when sometimes it is enough to modify the internal or external demand.

Another example is learning to move to the next moment cognitively as a response to anxiety. By this I mean acknowledging life as commonly accepted in a linear chain of events and simply moving “forward” into the next moment, or second because that’s where the opportunity is. This means not blaming yourself for the anxious moment before or holding onto potential embarrassment or feeling that it caused, but instead simply focusing on the next second forward in life and time and understanding that it has already arrived, and taking the opportunity to be engaged in it. It does not mean that you necessarily go immediately from a state of panic into peaceful bliss, but each new second offers itself as a gradual stepping stone and shift forward and away from the previous moment of anxiousness. Every internal upset when consciously observed is an opportunity to self-assess and redirect.

When we become conscious of the visceral and cognitive moments of emotional shifts, it allows us to self-asses and bring consciousness back to the present like an elastic band. We then are able to make choices where we now feel empowered in our emotional management. Once we feel empowered, it is helpful to pair it with foundational support. Being empowered in your emotional management can be supported and further enabled by planning or “knowing where you’re going”, so to speak. It is difficult to expect that you will let go or attempt to shift and at the same time in that moment figure out how you will get to the next moment or desired emotional state successfully. Consider planning and taking time to decide; be informed and know where it is you want to go emotionally, when you want to shift, and how. This way, when the moment arrives, you will be better prepared for success. Below are three areas of practice to consider when planning conscious mental shifts, as well as a simple exercise. Be mindful and flexible that different needs, desires, circumstances or outcomes can require different types of shifts. Feel free to be malleable in your exploration and what individually works for you.

1. Learning to pause and reflect while the thought or emotional pattern is occurring can be difficult. Often times we don’t recognize it until we have gone seemingly to the point of no return within our spiral of emotional distress. One thing that can be helpful is meeting yourself where you are. Start with the earliest point of distress that you can actively recognize and work your way gradually backward to awareness of the moment before and so on. After time you may begin to recognize commonalities in your physical being or thought patterns that can be helpful in building your foundational support for your emotional management.
2. You may have to reassess your plan for the same emotional pattern several times. Be kind to yourself as a gentle reminder to go back to the process you want to strengthen without negative self talk. It’s also likely that your plan will evolve naturally with you without a lot of attention as you begin to strengthen your muscle to consciously shift.
3. Noticing that you feel rushed or agitated at a time when it’s actually out of place like for instance on a day off or at dinner with friends, rather than preparing for a presentation or being on time for a meeting, can be a good place to start. In these moments you can begin to “loosen” up your cognitive pathways because now you are noticing when a trait or thought process has become toxic. There is a degree of depth and perception that becomes involved. In this way our thoughts are not seemingly only what our brain is receiving and processing in a victim like dynamic through signals or circumstances. When we are able to decipher when a thought process or emotional pattern has become toxic, we can also engage consciously with what seems to be dominating subconsciously or from an outside force which we can not control. This keen awareness and ability to pause and shift, or correct, with a gentle reminder, even at the start, should be recognized as an accomplishment in itself. This ability can be deepened over time without feeling the stress for perfection or constant engagement. As this awareness muscle begins to strengthen, you will more naturally begin to feel the ability to free yourself instantaneously from the potential bond of a toxic internal rhetoric, whether minute or large.

One Exercise to Try

One physical exercise I call the “10 second smile” can be applied first thing in the morning as a helpful way to set the tone for the day, or consciously applied right as you catch your mood or thought pattern starting to slip into a negative direction. This exercise can be helpful as a starting point for a successful emotional transition. Here’s how it goes:

It is very similar to how it sounds with a few boundaries. If you are near a mirror go and stand in front of it. If not, simply keep doing what you’re doing moving through the moment and smile really big for 10 full seconds and hold the muscle. If you feel your smile start to waiver, you should start again from 1. At times it can be extremely difficult, particularly if your situation or mood is not positive. If your surroundings make you uncomfortable, try to find a private place, or a place off to the side, if removing yourself is not possible. Using the research we know regarding the health benefits related to smiling ,along with the rigor of the applied practice of holding the large stretched-out muscles in the face to smile, along with the conscious choice to insert it when you feel a negative shift beginning to occur, can be effective. After you have been able to maintain the large stretched out teeth showing smile for 10 seconds, you are now physically dominating the flow of a conscious mental shift.

The benefits of applying the healthy practice of smiling in an applied way with a tangible exercise like this one can assist in grounding your efforts for a successful conscious mental shift if you want to try something beyond thought process or breathing.

Up Next: 5 Dynamic Emotional Perspectives

https://www.atlibertylife.com/

Founder of At Liberty,LLC /Creative Executive/Writer at Thrive Global

Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com on May 24, 2017.

Building the Muscle of Conscious Mental Shifts was originally published in Thrive Global on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Emotions are something that we know exist and often try to describe and define for ourselves and to others. In both our conscious and subconscious mind, there are many phases of feelings that we may be unable to fully communicate whether due to language limitations, self-consciousness, or social and peer pressures. A few predominant human emotions are frustration, happiness, and anger. These can be experienced as somewhat of a roller coaster effect or a gradual change on the wide spectrum of emotions. These emotions can be induced in a state of work, play, or relaxation. At times there is nothing specific to provoke the emotion such as a person or situation, yet these emotions still come to the surface. In such situations there is certainly a thought process involved but why, for example, during a holiday break or vacation does internal unrest still exist? Perhaps we feel we are not readily producing results which may cause unrest, and as such we may feel impeded, and that causes upset. Alternatively, we may simply feel the need for a certain amount of mental exertion by exercising the mind through studying or reading and that need manifests itself emotionally.

Within the emotional spectrum, there can also be a waiting game. One waits for emotions like grief or anger to pass. In this phase, there is a long term effect that can correlate to the daily or short term effect. We have the possibility to experience daily micro emotional waves and long-term macro emotional waves in a kind of emotional duality. One certainly affects the other and when we feel the same intensity of emotion such as frustration due to an overdue deadline (a potentially short term emotion that may go away by the end of the work day) as the long term frustration of a large amount of debt, we can put our level of emotion into perspective. Removing the negative emotion surrounding a task does not denote the task’s importance or need for a solution etc. If anything, such an emotional shift amplifies the importance of a task by removing the potential emotional distraction.

As humans, how can we get to the point of productively processing and utilizing our emotions? How can we focus and shorten emotional distress and prevent it from spiraling into the macro level of frustration or elongating past the point of being an identifier? Accurately labeling and utilizing our emotions productively leads to an understanding of what might be good, wrong, irrelevant, or needs to tweaked in a given situation or task.

Perspective comes into play to assess the degree of emotion in relation to its severity, length, and context. In the workplace, it is easy to act superficial, or try to subdue emotions, or fix the interaction merely enough for the task at hand. The mentality is basically “what do I need to do to get through this until the end of the workday?”. In our personal lives, however, there is no end of the workday. How can we be sure that we are not simply repeating certain negative emotions on autopilot as part of our subconscious characteristics?

A negative feeling is more likely to be endured longer. How can we exchange the length of happiness to be more extended even when something is wrong? Do we have something to prove by holding onto bad feelings about mistakes or hardships? Are we not the only ones who truly have to experience our feelings? Feelings and intuition have their place and can help aid us to grow intellectually, spiritually, and professionally. Is it possible to be more critical and targeted with this aspect? How can we begin to make more actionable use of emotions on the short term, long term, professional and personal basis? Consider the merging of your personal and professional journey to nurture your emotional spectrum in a way that is not only resilient, but also dynamic. Your emotional spectrum can be viewed as linear, cyclical, even as multidimensional. Are we an emotional pattern? Are we seeing many circumstances through one emotional lense? Is there a stopping and starting place? We can begin to be empowered to feel more that we exist in an emotional spectrum that can be experienced both firsthand and from the outside in a freeing way that does not exist solely from the idea of the need for emotional improvement or gaining, but considers emotion simply as part of our existence.

Below are 5 diagrams that begin to illustrate some of the ways we can envision ourselves inside the emotional spectrum:

Dynamic Emotional Perspective 1: Depth and perspective are shown. Short term is farther away from the core and is as large as long term, but is not as central or critical to the self. Size may be large, but is not indicative of affecting the true core. In this diagram long term and short term orbit the self consistently.

Dynamic Emotional Perspective 2: In this diagram there is a beginning middle and no true end. It is more practical that this linear path will be initiated situationally an indefinite number of times and that potential ends will resolve at the achievement. The achievement can be created by the self or an outside influence.

Dynamic Emotional Perspective 3: This is an example of how emotion or intuition is known to propel change. This diagram acknowledges an iterative nature with an applied purpose of emotion.

Dynamic Emotional Perspective 4: In this diagram long term emotion is shown continuing to dominate the self over time, increasing in severity, but also resounding or existing from circumstances in close proximity and far from the actual self.

Dynamic Emotional Perspective 5: In this diagram the self looks remotely in or as a third person reflectively as the larger circumstance is orbited by the changing or existing emotion.

https://www.atlibertylife.com/

Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com on April 28, 2017.

5 Dynamic Emotional Perspectives was originally published in Thrive Global on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

One of my favorite quotes is by Albert Einstein “Education is not the learning of facts but the training of the mind to think”. The transference of knowledge is highly beneficial across industries, particularly in today’s ever-changing professional landscape. The awareness and importance of incorporating artists in the workplace has risen. In particular I have observed that the visibility for dance as a platform in general has grown exponentially over the last five years. Having spent most of my life as a dancer and choreographer, I continue to have a strong inclination towards, the study of processes and interpersonal connections. Being able to translate these skills to mediate high level organizational shifts as well as improving existing structures is something that the dancer and choreographer in me truly enjoys. When examining relative perspective to share I hearken back to studying some of the greats particularly Martha Graham, Jose Limon, and Robert Battle. These leaders are excellent models for the rigor and deep internal and external processes to “Achieving the Orchestrated Power of the Whole” on which I expound. Below are three areas of insight for understanding and approaching the benefits of the methodology for business.

1. How We Get There

The Orchestrated Power of the Whole is what allows for optimal execution as well as the optimal received result by the end user or audience. When I say “optimal”, for business as well as in the performing arts I mean much more than just something being completed or on time. Even as part of the planning and execution process when addressing the scope it is not only the Kaizen or the Ishikawa and how many times we ask why, although those concepts are a part of the process but additionally the subtle nuances that make each individual organization tick or pause. This cannot be analyzed or improved as a one-size-fits-all mapping of solutions. Whether you have a company of dancers or a team of business executives and IT admins, it is important that you have selected choreography, a map, an approach, or school of thought that best enables your particular types of talent and incorporates their current strengths. This will allow that particular group and its’ mission to ultimately be the most successful while fostering growth towards the next “plateau”, “Mountain top” or area of desired mastery. In using the example of a dancer as the physical sense of arrival, the idea of balancing is useful. Balancing is not achieved by locking energy or holding still, but instead by a continuous growth of energy circulating upward through the body. An instructional leader does not teach or correct this skill without first understanding how the dancer is thinking about the task at present, where their understanding may be incorrect, as well as possible physical hindrances that may be blocking the student from the goal. Meeting people where they are at and targeted continuous observation is an important thing to gauge as a leader, even if the long term goal is a more complex form of professional development, or technological advance. Leaders must be focused on removing barriers and increasing self-awareness in order to be effective. This requires creativity. When choosing choreography, a group of dancers may be capable of various different styles, but in order to optimize results it would make no sense for a group of ballerinas to perform “Stomp” or Fosse’s style as tappers or classical jazz dancers, even if the desired outcome is to create a high brow impactful performance with talented people. The same is true for a group of executives when wanting to achieve a particular group of common organizational goals across industries. The process of “how we get there” as we all know is important but also somewhat individual to each organization. The approach should be observed, nurtured, and steered incrementally with an open mind throughout the process in order for your talent to be able to use their tools well to produce a desired outcome.

2. Strengths and Weaknesses

Addressing core strengths and weaknesses directly and transparently, allows the organization to move more harmoniously through pauses and barriers “ticking” around common understandings and goals. A necessary degree of transparency and a straightforward approach allows us to plan appropriately for the task. This does not mean attacking individuals for their recent procrastination or embarrassing people by having performance-related conversations in front of everyone. This is not what I mean by transparency or addressing things head on. It is about simplifying and being clear about intentions. Simple and clear intentions coupled with focused direction and lines of energy allow a dancer to go from doing three pirouettes to four or to successfully transition from the foundation of a pirouette into the progression of fouttes.

In the workplace we can be simple and clear by first drawing a table with two columns and listing “Overall Strengths” and “Perceived Weaknesses”. Second, taking the time to revisit the list a day later and assess why things are in which column. Could your perception be marked as inaccurate from a non-partial third party? If you have “raised the bar” with a weakness is it a core weakness or perhaps something that can be addressed as a subphase of strengths and weaknesses? By addressing it, are we demanding too much too soon when comparing other milestones at hand? Rather, is it something we can address incrementally that does not seem like an additional burden for employees? An example being, if employees are struggling with projects that are interdepartmental, this can alternatively be viewed as a subphase weakness. A solution may be assessing current use of communication channels and available tools possibly resulting in raising awareness of options or frequency of use. Perhaps broadly readdressing more appropriate protocol for escalation as a friendly reminder amongst team members or refining the escalation plan for your organization can be simple and effective. Small incremental tasks like this are easily attainable for team members to make small adjustments of their choosing around pre-existing structures that are in line with company goals. This also allows people the chance to improve or make desired changes independently without feeling overly dictated to. Positive results from a simple, clear incremental shift like this can potentially be seen right away, which can create an immediate sense of achievement. This can foster longevity and incentive for addressing larger more primary weaknesses and strengths that have long term results or more labor intensive achievements.

The balancing act of “How we get there” is an important part of Achieving the Orchestrated Power of the Whole. The transparent and direct approach in relation to high priority strengths and weaknesses does not exclude high level executives. It includes the group or organization as a whole and gives leaders an opportunity to think critically about how they encourage their team uniquely towards growth in perceived weaknesses while using, acknowledging, maintaining and growing organizational strengths. Transparency and simplified head-on clear directives are two attributes that assist in harnessing the power of directing organizational energy and focus toward achieving the necessary alignment needed for movement towards continuous goals. In working towards continuous goals, or improvement both personally and professionally, the conversation of “How we get there” and addressing strengths and weaknesses does not stop, but continues on to ways of being, to action based conceptual thought around company core values, to the mind-body connection, and effectively considering the organization and the individual within it holistically.

3. The Ego, the Group, and the Individual

Professional dancers are often trained to surrender their egos. In my experience this mentality is not as common in the workplace. This form of training has positive outcomes and is crucial for Achieving the Orchestrated Power of the Whole. Letting go of the ego is not something that one can do after simply reading an inspirational quote or understand after one conversation, it is something that has to be relentlessly reinforced. As a dancer I would often hear “we can’t get the work done with egos in the way”. Almost every day my instructors would tell us “Leave your egos at the door”. Seeing the same human quality at play in other industries, the importance of the message is even more evident. Letting go of the ego is not about devaluing the individual but rather to maintain a healthy focus and perspective on the desired result and reason for engaging in the task. This way, we are more satisfied as a whole and as individuals when outcomes are appropriately correlated under an objective. When being part of a team or an organization, think about how many times you have seen small or large tasks take too long or get hindered due to a conflict regarding who has been placed in charge of the task, or push back from “doers” because of a non-directive opinion about the work to be done. At some point in these types of interactions, it will often undoubtedly boil down to the interference of egos blocking the highest intention for the organizational movement. Our egos lead to placing disruptive blame on oneself or others. Our egos lead to a team member getting upset thinking they should do a certain role because of the one they did last time. Our egos lead to team members flying out the door because their exact perception of their needs is not being met. For example, if something used to be one way and then a change is implemented, it is the ego that will be resistant to change. Our egos often stand in the way of the process of fulfilling the project goal. Although as people no one is perfect, we do get better with practice. There is a need for the ego to be considered in the workplace and often times it is not. The ego is motivated mainly by achievement or congratulatory moments and if these moments do not occur it can affect performance in an ego-driven circumstance. Releasing the ego will allow the work to flourish rather than the “self” exclusively or predominantly being the driver. This doesn’t mean rewards; notable achievements or congratulatory moments don’t occur however in this case they are appropriately measured and internalized in correlation to the work. The monitoring or “loss of the ego” does not mean that there is no room for human emotion or conversations with management or colleagues.

4. The Coaching Mindset

The natural pieces of pros and cons that often come with the territory of working with others should ideally be nurtured, planned and executed with the same importance as creating the business case itself because the people are what bring the business plan into reality. This includes coaching your teams to think holistically about their work and their involvement by not separating a new incentive to eat healthy and exercise entirely from the office or cubicle experience and especially not the next milestone. How we speak as leaders is important. Giving consistent “gentle reminders” rather than using the accusatory tone of being incorrect when bringing team members back to the core of an overarching understanding or awareness is a good method for receptivity. If we are all aware that this quarter we are focusing on not “end gaining” then it makes all areas of focus increasingly easier to attain asynchronously and from there can be deepened in the direction of management’s choosing.

This of course means leaders must provide tools. In the example of end gaining offering a dialogue of literature and other resources or bringing someone to speak about the theme from a different frame of reference can be beneficial. In dance training unnecessary tension, whether physical or mental, can lead to injury. Guided physical exercises as simple as the process of sitting and standing that also enforce actionable focus on end gaining can be used both as an ergonomic solution for the workplace and be correlated to the importance of doing things correctly. A dancer can force their body incorrectly and put their leg up high, however when the same goal is reached with all best practices met along the way the end goal of the correct arabesque or a al seconde is fully achieved. This is similar to the Samsung phone that was recalled and caused fires but was brought to market vs. the iPhone or another more successful version of a Samsung model. Think of all the negative repercussions that occur with the latter although the same “exciting” or “impressive” goal is being attempted. The concept of end gaining is one in particular that can easily be re-enforced both through the individual as well as the working team around an overarching business goal and draws on mind-body awareness and interconnected success with work related goals. This approach fosters a broader holistic understanding that is beneficial for the work life balance even while working, and the optimal use of the individual as well as the group within the end result.

When team members are connected both individually and with one another as a group under a common goal the outcome can be compared to a beautiful core of dancers in Swan Lake or Revelations. The integrity and importance of moments of perfect unison required in juxtaposition to a solo or non-unison moments do not simply happen because performers are incessantly counting the music. It is a much deeper connection and overall thought process that fosters both the individual’s responsibility to the group as well as the importance and respect for the overall success of the outcome. Under this overarching common understanding the performers are deeply connected to the work, themselves and the group all at once as vessels for the artistic vision. Although those famous works in particular have been performed over and over again there is a strong common understanding regarding the execution of process and aesthetics including strong person-to-person connections when getting the job done. This happens both over large periods of time during the rehearsal process as well as in the moment during live performance. The connection of the group as a whole has a strong qualitative implication for the end result in the common workplace as well. One attribute to attaining this type of success is consciously monitoring the ego and coaching purpose-driven success to shine.

Simplified, the careful nurturing of process, commitment, and understanding through the mind-body connection as well as interconnectedness in both verbal and nonverbal communication are a handful of the attributes to “Achieving the Orchestrated Power of the Whole”. It is both an intellectual and emotionally intelligent process that is important for the success of every business.

Happy orchestrating!

Visit: https://www.atlibertylife.com/

Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com on February 14, 2017.

Achieving the Orchestrated Power of the Whole was originally published in Thrive Global on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.