Transference of blame in my option hasn’t always been like this. Over the years I’ve discovered my many faults, whether through self reflection or through the views and opinions of others and used this as the fuel for improvement and become a better person.

In some ways we have always had something to blame, looking at religion as a prime examples here, there were demons and the devil too but alongside that, the church did push their bullshit views onto people to try and get them to become better, otherwise suffer that wondrous wrath of god. Eternal punishment from a deity that is supposed to love you. Definitely doesn’t seem like much of a healthy relationship to me…

Anyway…. Back onto accountability. What is it about life today where everyone wants to blame everything and everyone else for their behaviour. Why not engage in some self reflection or perhaps this is partly based in fear, fear of looking in the mirror and hating what they may see. Never open the can of worms may seem simpler for them but causes pain, misery and suffering for others who have to deal with this bullshit.

I guess a part of this is also this thing about opinions and them being forced on others. Recently had an argument with someone out in the world over some minor wrongdoing, when I engaged in words with this person, he instantly starting shouting that I am a racist. I guess rather than accepting that he was in the wrong, it was easier to go forward with the lowest common denominator for the sake of the argument.

If this negative way of thinking continues, with everyone constantly believing they could never be wrong, their opinions are correct, everything else beyond their viewpoint is offensive and vile and should be banned then I feel like the effect this will have could never ever have any positives to it. But then again, these are just my views and perhaps I am wrong. The difference here is that I am open to the possibility of being wrong and would want to improve myself for the better.

Stick your ‘mercury is in retrograde’ up your arse and try becoming a better person.

Sadie, my wonderful 8 year old daughter occasionally makes the odd mistake. Silly little things that really don’t matter. This has led me to saying to Sadie, don’t be sorry. Sorry is just a word and words can be empty. Instead, make a promise to yourself that you will try to do better in the future. This has led me to think about how I am treating this new adventure Im taking about giving up drink and drugs.

To do this, I need to look forward. I’ve made a ton of mistakes over the years. As have others around me, however I can’t control other people and their cock ups. Only my own and I’ve taken inspiration from the words I have said to my daughter. This means I am making a promise to myself and to her that I will do better. Some of the things in my past, I don’t think I can forgive nor forget but I can acknowledge that I was not fully in control back then. Stimulants, depression and other ailments led me to being such a piece of shit over different times. Made vows so many times to change, apologising and crying with heartfelt devotion but I always went back to being a piece of shit.

Strong with words, weak with actions. This is stopping now. I do not forgive myself, but I can’t continue living in the past. I must look to the future. I promise to be better.

I like to think I am great with words, well spoken, literate and very proud of both of those points but as soon as emotion becomes a factor, all this goes out the window. As soon as something becomes real, fear will kick in and I will instantly forget every possible word that could potentially summarise what I might be thinking, feeling or wanting. Weird isn’t it.

Right now, something has me feeling fear, a fear I haven’t felt in a long time, or possibly even ever before. I don’t really recall anything coming close to what is going on for me right now and when something so good happens, it. is bound to pack in some fear around it. That trope of something being too good to be true and all that shit.

The fear feels like a devil on my shoulder, a dark shadow, a replica of myself packed with insults and insinuations around who I am, what I deserve and that I will never succeed however there is now someone who instantly takes that away. I must learn to accept this gift, but not by relying on it and she is helping me learn this. Making me feel like the most important person in the world and capable of anything. Things I never thought were possible. My strength has hulk like proportions right now.

And so onto the acceptance part, this has so many variable factors wrapped around it that its almost to much to want to face but I am facing it head on. The first point of acceptance is based on a vulnerability I feel when I am with this person I am now deeply emotionally connected with. This is a new development for me but it’s something that has been growing for years now, like one of those rare exotic flowers that takes a decade to bloom but when it finally does, it astounds everyone with its beauty.

I have a lot to accept and nothing to fear. There are going to be slips around this and the odd blip, trauma has a way of rearing up and performing a donkey kick to the balls when I least expect it. The irony of course being that I am right now still learning, growing and feeling. I accept that this will not be an overnight development, but something that will come over time but time I have and time I want to utilise in order to grow. Become someone Id never even imagined could exist, not just for me but in general. Fear and acceptance are big words, but happiness and forever are the words I am focused on right now.

Is it really enough to just survive, investing the entirety of ones life into another. This creates a non-existence. Something fragile and reliant on others, weak and delicate at its core but aligned with peaks and troughs of happiness and heartbreak.

There’s been a bunch of things throughout my life that should have killed me, broken battered and scarred Ive pushed on and maintained a core lifestyle. This also led to the singularity lifestyle. Not really living at all, part of being single and without a family I have completely based my life around my daughters happiness. Of course, not a bad thing and has created a relationship between us with such a foundation based around com and munication, freedom, strength through unity with a vision for the future which has both our eyes focused around being happy and pushing on to achieve the goals we want.

All the time I was convinced I was happy but this facade was maintained by going to extreme measures to block out emotions at all other times beyond when we were together. Drugs and alcohol being the main ‘go-to’ remedies to ensure that I wasn’t having any pesky feelings.

Over years of doing this, I forgot how it feels to feel. How it feels to care for someone or something new and the overwhelming feelings of being cared for. over the years I managed to balance this by rejecting any attempt by others to get a view of me or my fortress of solitude because of a ton of reasons. Easier to cut off others rather than risk getting hurt again. Or risk hurting someone else and having to deal with guilt? Oh hell no.

Now though, things have changed and really bloody quickly. Fallen for someone that provides comfort, someone who challenges me, possibly without realizing it? I’m not sure on this and not sure I ever will be but thats also part of the allure of this bond. Things dont have to be a certain way and it won’t always be sunshine and buttercups but this connection, this bond has opened up my eyes and my heart to how wonderful life can be when shared with someone else.

And so this is the true cost of living, opening up ones heart and becoming vulnerable, trusting in that person that they won’t fucking rip me apart of destroy what we have but by doing this, I have to smile while being vulnerable. Fragility is not a good look and is far from attractive to most. People don’t like negative Nancy-esque bitchy baby behavior.

I dont want to survive. Its time to live.