Anyway I’m glad I decided on the first anniversary of his passing that this day is significant to me but not special cos of that. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel today cos grief always seems to have a life of its own. However I woke up feeling so much peace in my heart and gratitude that I survived literally the worst day of my life. I never thought this day would find me feeling not just fine but good inside.

I think I’ve done an amazing job alchemizing that pain. I won’t lie. I am in awe of the resilience of my spirit. I really took the greatest tragedy of my life and transmuted it. What a feat!! I am soooooo damn proud of myself!! Today I am most grateful that I chose to stay. It was so incredibly hard but I survived. Of course I miss him and would give the world to have him back but as Cheryl Strayed says, “he will always be dead.” I have finally come to terms with that bit. He will always be dead.

I’m thankful I found my way again after that tragedy. I sincerely hope and pray anyone going through a tough time right now would somehow find this story and get proof that we do survive the worst days of our lives. Literally. You can survive ANYTHING just as long as you want to survive it. I guess that’s the secret. You must want to make it out.

I think sometimes we make the mistake of seeing tragedy or any bad time really as if that’s how life will always be. Let me tell you, the tide does turn!! I am living testimony of that. The sun can set but it WILL rise again. The sun set for me on 26 April 2021 and right now on 26 April 2026 the sun is shining SOOOO brightly for me it’s even hard to imagine what night feels like. The sun is so bright in my world it feels like there will never, ever be another sunset again.

And that’s just the beauty of life! Unfortunately (or fortunately) if the sun has set for you you’ll have to stay alive to see it rise again cos I promise it WILL rise again.

This April has been by far the happiest April of my life. My new partner and I are celebrating one year this month and we chose to celebrate all month. I’ve dubbed it the #AnniversaryTour and I’ve been sharing what we’ve been up to on my Instagram account. We spent all of last week at Sun City and let me tell you, my heart could burst at its seams with the joy all this has brought me!

My man proper treated me with that trip. I felt and still feel so happy that you’d swear I’ve never experienced any pain in my life. It’s feeling a lot like Sanele szn around here. And there was NO WAY I could have guessed that 5yrs after the greatest heartbreak of my life I would be this happy again! I am so deliriously happy! My man loves me as if he’s making up for the pain I suffered.

BUT. Yea, there is always a but isn’t?! I had to go through 5 whole years of grieving to reach this point. My goodness! You’ve really got to trust the process, trust the timing of your life and trust God. Only he knew this day would come. 26 April 2021 almost convinced me that I would never be this happy again. I almost fell for it. Thank God I didn’t! Cos I would have missed out of this joyous chapter of my life!

I am so grateful to God that I didn’t let one season of my life end my entire life. The sun does eventually rise again no matter how long the night feels. I’m reminded of this quote that says, “Even the worst days have 24 hours.” I find that so comforting cos it reminds me that my suffering will eventually come to an end.

The past 5yrs haven’t been 10yrs for me. I’ve still experienced the same amount of hours per day as everyone else and I am thankful I have not been made to suffer any more than I needed to.

Today my heart is just so filled with gratitude. I went to church with my man today for the first time in 14yrs! My boyfriend usually goes to church alone and leave me sleeping in. I told him way back either in March or beginning of April that I would be joining him at church today. I just felt I needed to surround myself with fellow believers as I thanked God for all that he has done for me in these past 5yrs!

Just like Hagar in the Bible, “I have seen him who sees me.” God sees me and he has carried me through to this point.

You guys. I am so grateful that I’m one person who’s always honest about her feelings. When I was deep in grief I never hid it from anyone. It was all I felt at that time. It was honestly so hard to imagine I’d ever be happy again. But here we are. I am deliriously happy! I am SO in love with my man!! He is the true meaning of God doing more than I could ever ask or imagine. My man is awesome!!!

I’m in love again!! I even think this time I’m having a much deeper experience of love than before because grief cracked me wide open. I am experiencing my love with the wisdom only this grief journey could have given me. I feel like ours is a story written by God because what were the odds of us meeting in April? A special month for me.

Tshego’s birthday is in April. Our anniversary is in April. We used to go away in April to celebrate those two special occasions. Then he went and died in April. Gosh. What a way to ruin my fav month. For four years I struggled through April. And then April last year I met my now love. We have spent all of April 2026 just celebrating!! If that ain’t God then I don’t what is!

I am so thankful for all this beauty I have been given in exchange for my ashes. God restores. God is faithful.

I am just filled with so much gratitude for the grace that has carried me! My love story now is nothing short of a miracle. I am so happy! My heart is full.

My sun did set for me but it did not end there because IT ROSE AGAIN!!!

I am just so grateful for it all! What a life! What a journey.

Happy one year anniversary, my love!! This is just the beginning!

It took me a while to figure out what we were gonna do for his birthday. I believe in birthdays more than I believe in myself. Nobody loves a birthday like Sanele does!! My boyfriend on the other hand is a grinch who could not be bothered about birthdays and most public holidays. Yep, he is the grinch.

However I made it clear right from the start that in this house we celebrate Valentine’s Day and birthdays whether you believe in them or not. I’m glad he never tried to put up a fight about that. He just surrendered to love and man, I am SO glad he did cos this Valentine’s and his birthday weekend was absolutely AH-mazing!!!

We went out on Friday night for drinks with a close friend of his and his girlfriend. Although it wasn’t discussed prior I dubbed that his pre-birthday drinks. My goodness! My man got me wine drunk and I should have known that was a prelude to the weekend. Sidenote, I thought I was off alcohol forever cos ever since I turned thirty alcohol hasn’t been kind to me. I’d wake up feeling like garbage and honestly for me drinking wasn’t worth it if I was gonna feel so awful the next day.

However recently I realized that red wine is still much kinder to me. I can drink more than my usual two glasses (I’m a light weight please) and wake up fine the next day. Ha. A real miracle of miracles, right in time for my man’s birthday! If you’ve known me for a long time you’ll know I love wine. I truly believe wine is the drink of the gods. Therefore I am most grateful that I can drink it again and not feel like death the next day.

I had red wine on Friday evening and that kinda set the tone for the weekend for me. Yesterday I woke up late and went to see my mom who was at my brother’s place- it was her birthday yesterday. Unfortunately I wasn’t expecting her to be around for her birthday so I’d already made plans for the weekend with my boyfriend.

In the afternoon my man and I left for a night stay on a farm 45mins out of Joziburg. I’m obsessed with these farms that are an hour or less away from Joziburg and I’m obsessed with farms in general. It was such a stunning place with zero cellphone reception. We were completely unplugged just enjoying each other’s company.

A lot of men act too cool for love. They act like they are doing their partners a favour by being with them. I hate that a lot about most men. I think God really understands how much I hate nonchalant men so he gave me the most chalant of them all!! My goodness. I am in heaven with this man!

He doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day, he says, but he loves me so much he will do whatever makes me happy. We had a braai for two. Well, he braai’d and I drank red wine. And we were having great conversation as always. My boyfriend and I’s superpower is conversation!! My goodness we TALK!!

We talked, played a game outside then had dinner and hung out some more. My boyfriend is not too cool for love. He is ALL about me and he shows me that DAILY!! I love that A LOT. When we are together he doesn’t act disinterested like he’d rather be somewhere else. Gosh. I got me my golden retriever man and I’m in love heaven!!

We checked out of the farm this morning then when to a love concert at the Nirox Sculpture Park. My goodness. What an excellent show!! 10/10 no notes!! I think the best part for me was seeing just how genuinely happy my boyfriend was!

It took me a while to figure out what we’d do for his birthday. He’s a well travelled man who loves riding his bike. I had to scratch my head to think of what he’d enjoy outside of that. His biking hobby costs two million so I wasn’t gonna do anything bike related. I’m just a girl please. It was such a treat to see him genuinely have fun on his birthday!!

Ugh I guess I’m now a seasoned girlfriend of an elder. LOL My boyfriend is ten years older than me please he’s not going to enjoy what a man my age would enjoy. Which is why I say as a first time girlfriend of an elder I nailed this one and I’m super chuffed with myself!

I was calling him ‘my princess’ today. Because of course my man is gonna be my angel princess on his birthday alright! He cracked me up at dinner when we got back to Joziburg today when he said “thank you, my king” to me. Gosh. I have SO much fun with this man!

I was always anxious to have such a big age gap between my partner and I but gees, it’s worked out too well for me. I don’t feel the age gap between us. We are like two ageless souls when we are together. We can be kids if we want to be or adults depending on what the situation calls for. But we are always just the right dose of everything!

I love this man with all of me. I was telling him today how there are no half measures when it comes to Sanele in love. I’m an all or nothing person when I’m in love. Life is too short for half measures. I am ALL in in this relationship and it feels soooo good to have my energy matched the way my man matches it! I told you he has ALL the chalants!

I am one happy girlie and I am so grateful not just for this weekend but also for the life and love I share with this man.

I’ve always known this, but this weekend confirmed for me that him and I could have fun ANYWHERE. We don’t rely on anything outside of us to enjoy our time together. We just really like and love each other A LOT and that comes out so effortlessly between us.

I wish I could bottle these feelings and open them on a bad day to make myself feel better.

This afternoon at the concert I got so emotional thinking of how good God has been to my man and I. Me losing Tshego, him going through a painful divorce only for us to end up deliriously happy together. Goodness. God is kind AND he restores. He has restored to us tenfold. I am just so grateful for it all. Truly, truly grateful. I hope I always remember this when the difficult times come as they always do.

15 February 2026. My goodness! One of the best days of my life. I had no idea that being Ms. Party could be this much fun. Oh and being my boyfriend’s king for a day. LOL. I had an excellent day and weekend! Grateful for the man I got to share this weekend with. What a privilege and honour that I also get to share my life with him.

Man. In case you were here when that dreadful day happened in 2021 I want to let you know that I am SO happy again! This once felt impossible. I NEVER thought I’d be THIS happy again and yet here we are. Man oh man. Life is truly a gift!! I’m grateful I hung on through that awful time cos being here right now makes it all worth it.

Would I do that again? Not if I had a choice. But if I knew that going through that dark, sad and lonely path would lead to this moment I would go through it all again. I am SO happy sometimes it feels too good to be true! But my life is just THAT good again. I am so happy and so thankful for it all!

Happy birthday to my angel-princess-elder-boyfriend!!! I love you senselessly!! Here’s to many more happy times together!

Anyway last night I FINALLY got to experience Ry X in person!! I missed his show in Capetown which was on Friday then I randomly decided last night that I’d catch his dj set in the inner city. My goodness! I am SOOO glad I went even though I cried the entire time I was there. I got there at 8:30pm and left when Ry X was done playing just after midnight. His set ended at midnight.

Back story to explain why I couldn’t hold back my tears.

Ry X wasn’t one of my fav artists, he was Tshego’s. I’d say Ry X was one of Tshego’s top 5 musicians. I didn’t even know about Ry X until I met Tshego. And to be honest I found his music depressing. Tshego liked a lot of music I called depressing. To be fair it wasn’t really depressing, it was just waaaay slower and softer than what I like listening to. I’m a dance music girl. Give me house music, afrotech and electro music any day! That’s my preferred music when the sun is shining in my world. I will switch to listening to Tshego’s music when I’m feeling low.

It’s not every musician that Tshego loved that I also grew to love. For example you can’t pay me enough to listen to BadBadNotGood even though I went to their show with Tshego when they came to SA in 2016. LOL I didn’t care for them I just wanted to hang out with him. Tshego just loved music, he even called himself a music god even though I didn’t always agree with him. He did put me onto A LOT of good music though!

He was also very considerate. He wouldn’t play music he knew I couldn’t stand when we were together. So in the car or when we were chilling and listening to music through one of our bluetooth speakers he’d play music he knew I could tolerate if not actually like. I have a playlist I called the “boyfriend playlist” which simply has songs I’d heard him play often meaning he super liked them. That playlist made him feel close to me when we were physically apart. And let me tell you, Ry X dominated that playlist!!

That is how I got to love Ry X. I still thought his music was depressing but it made my angel man happy so that was enough for me. I loved seeing him happy and music made him super happy! I wasn’t always this into music. I used to play music mostly while driving and then on random occasions when I was in a good mood at home. However I didn’t always have headphones on like I do now.

When Tshego died I threw myself into music. My goodness. I have really listened to more music post his passing than before and gone to more gigs too. While he lived I was happy for music to be something he brought into our relationship. Then when he was no more I now had to build my own relationship with music. I finally understood why he loved it so much.

Music will be there for you when no one else is. It sure has been there for me since the day he passed. I first turned to our playlist and his other fav songs as a way to try and connect with him when I could no longer physically be with him. Then the music just grew on me. It’s almost as if he showed me while he lived how I would survive his passing. Music and dogs are the two things that have carried me since that dreadful day now almost 5yrs ago! And it was him who introduced them to my life. Goodness. I can’t believe it’s gonna be 5yrs soon. Time has flown past hey but also moved slowly. Next year he’d have been gone for as long as we were together and yet it still feels like it happened just yesterday.

I cried so hard seeing Ry X live in the flesh play fire, FIRE beats making me dance like I had no care in the world without the person who introduced me to him. It was bittersweet. I have no doubt that if Tshego was still here we would have gone to his show in Capetown on Friday!

As much as I called the music depressing what I would give to see Tshego thoroughly enjoy that music again. It’s funny how I said the music was depressing but when Tshego was no more I missed seeing him enjoy his sad music more than anything. It made him happy and I just genuinely loved seeing him happy. It could have been any other artist really and I would have come along on the journey simply cos it made him happy!

I went to see Ry X not because I’m a super fan but because I loved and still love a super fan! My goodness. Oh gosh I enjoy Ry X a whole lot more as a dj! I was NOT expecting him to drop banger after banger the way he did! It was just tew good!! What a night!! I gotta thank my late love for introducing me to such top tier people. I think of two people in my life that he told me I would love long before I met them and sure enough I love them. I feel like Tshego got me as a person. He had a way of knowing what I’d love without me even knowing I would love it. What a gift that was.

I cried last night cos I couldn’t believe that if it wasn’t for Tshego I wouldn’t have been on that dance floor having the time of my life. I am SO happy I finally got to make this dream come true for him. I know he wanted to see him live even though then we thought we’d have to go to Europe or the USA to see him. He’d never believe that I saw him in Newtown of all places! You know how they say the dead live on in our hearts? Oh I believe that and feel it sooo much. Tshego lives on in my heart. It is his heart beating in my chest that can appreciate Ry X that much. Gosh I even named my first baby dog after him! Ry was named after Ry X. That’s how much Tshego’s love for him got into me.

It’s so weird being the surviving partner. Cos life keeps happening and some dreams he dreamt are coming true in his absence. Seeing Ry X live was actually a dream come true. My goodness. What a moment! I will never forget last night. It was so heartbreaking and so beautiful all at once!

And before I go I have to say that I didn’t have to stop loving Tshego to be able to love my new love. Love in its nature is BIG. It is also roomy and stretchy. Love expands not contracts. If I had to stop loving Tshego to be able to love my new love then it wouldn’t be love. I love them both equally. It’s not a competition and there is no worse or better love. It’s love, just different.

I am thankful that I have been blessed with a heart and love SO big. And also for the courage to love again. I love love. I grieve Tshego and celebrate my new love all at once. Joy and sorrow can coexist and they are currently coexisting in my heart. I will always love Tshego. And I love my man now senselessly! Both things can be true all at once.

I’m on the coast with my baby dog and nephew! My boyfriend had planned a biking trip before we met so he’s currently out of the country on that. This is me preempting the question of why he isn’t here with me. And no, I didn’t want him to cancel cos it’s MY birthday not his. 🤣🤣

Anyway, my goodness! What a life!

I think I mentioned on a previous post that I sold my house. I moved out of that apartment at the end of August and moved into a cosy free standing house that’s 7mins away from my boyfriend!

In all my years of living alone I’ve always lived around the same area. Even the house I bought was right next to the complex I used to live in. I just love that area so much.

Anyway I left that area for the first time in 14yrs when I moved out now. I was originally looking to stay there but then I met my man and thought since I now had the flexibility of moving why not move closer to him who’s not selling his house.

I am SO glad I did that cos it has proven to be SUCH a blessing for us!! We are seeing each other a whole lot more often and that’s just too good!

I even met his kids after I moved cos it somehow felt inevitable now that I was THAT close. And shame I hope they are not tired of seeing me cos I LOVE being at their house and I’m basically there all the time. 🫣

That’s such a shocker to me cos no one is more attached to their space than Sanele!! My boyfriend’s house feels like my second home. I’m telling you River feels the same too! When River sees that we are at the gate to my boyfriend’s house he jumps out of his seat ready to get out of the car.

He seems to really love it there and I ain’t complaining! Of course I want my son to love being at his daddy’s! Also I am SO grateful for the daddy daycare that has opened up as a result of me moving closer to my boyfriend.

Whenever I need to run errands and can’t take River I just drop him off at his dad’s house. I feel SO spoilt! I knew I was gonna love having a boyfriend I was this in love with but I didn’t realise how much I’d enjoy having a coparent for River!

I’m still responsible for River cos well, he’s mine but I like that I can now share other responsibilities with my man. Sometimes my man takes River to and from boarding. His new boarding that his daddy found him is awesome and in between our new house and his daddy’s house.

My life feels a little too perfect right now. I’ve had to stop and check that I’m not being pranked or dreaming right now cos it just feels so ridiculously good!!

I am loving where I find myself emotionally and mentally right now. It’s easily the best chapter yet!

And that’s the thing. My life just seems to keep getting better and better with age. My twenties were garbage please. I suffered SO much!! But in my thirties the tide seems to have turned.

Now at 35 it feels like I’ve summited a very tall mountain! And on the mountain peak I’m shedding off all the baggage I had to carry to get here.

The last time I felt this deep shift in me was when I turned 30. 30 made me softer. 35 is making me more sturdy. Right now it feels like the ground is solid. Like I could do whatever I want and the ground will always be there to catch me. I am so grateful for this feeling cos my life hasn’t always felt this way.

Especially with Tshego passing the ground had never felt so shaky. My goodness! I’m glad I made it through to reach this point in my life at 35 where it feels like the ground is solid again. The ground IS solid!

I am also so grateful to know the love of my perfect little baby dog! River is such a champ!! I’m obsessed with his little self! I’m so thankful at 35 I have the freedom to pour my love into my dog and not a human child. I am now even more sure that the path of motherhood is NOT for me.

I mentioned I’m on this coastal vacay with my nephew as well. As I’m growing older I’m starting to appreciate my nieces and nephews even more. I find I’m very interested in knowing them as people which is why I’m so intentional about spending time with all of them.

I’ve also become a little more patient with them. When I was younger I didn’t really have the patience I have in me right now. I can really feel age soften my ages and I won’t fight it. I’m leaning into it! I’m thankful I’m in a relationship with a man with kids at this chapter of my life. A year or more ago he would not have met THIS Sanele. So thank God for divine timing. If I was in charge of my life’s schedule I would mess it up. So thank God I’m not and life unfolds as it should.

I’m gonna do something with my nieces when I get back to Joziburg then I’ll see my other nephew when he comes to Joziburg for his school holidays. This birthday I feel especially mushy about my nieces and nephews.

I think it’s so nice that even when you are childfree you can still have kids that you love like they are your own just without the stress of full time parenting. I honestly think my being childfree has made me a better aunt. I care about being a good aunt ok. I love these little people and I am so honoured to be in their life!

Tshego said people get more emotional as they grow older and omg I can’t believe I’m here proving him right. 😩 I’ve been in my auntie feels since yesterday. Just acknowledging the blessing that it is to be these kids’ aunt. It means everything to me. I am so lucky! I wish I had an aunt like me growing up. But it’s ok. My nieces and nephews get to have me.

Gosh I really do feel mushy today. I can’t believe I get to call THIS my life! It feels so unbelievably lucky!

And omg my birthday present from my man was actual money! Loool that was the highlight of my day! My boyfriend is a divorced father of two! Meaning he’s got real responsibilities in life AND he works hard for his money. So I’m grateful that he can still spare some of his coins for his money loving girlfriend. I’m telling you guys that if you wanna make me happy just send me money. 🤣🤣🤣 He made my day! And I’m glad he took me seriously when I told him how happy money makes me! 🤣🤣🤣 Thank you, baby! I’m gonna give you triplets!!

And then wait. Two highlights. A friend baked me my very own chocolate cake as a birthday prezzy. Then bought me the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen!!! My goodness. I’m not big on flowers but goodness! Those ones made me feel ✨something!✨

I honestly feel so swaddled in love right now. And for someone who literally lost her big love just 4yrs ago I feel so unbelievably lucky!! I can’t believe I get to call THIS my life!!

God has been sooo kind to me!

Oh and this house we are staying at for our vacay feels like such a gift! I lucked out on this find. Beautiful, affordable, dog-friendly AND beachfront places are so few and far between. I always prefer to get a whole house/apartment firstly for River cos he’s not used to too many people moving around as I find they do in hotels when they walk past your room. If he hears movement he barks! I’m even scared to imagine how we’d fare in a hotel. I’d hate to be kicked out cos my dog won’t stop barking.

Also I’m a home body so I want that feel of home even when I’m away from home. Also being stuck in a hotel room for a week makes me feel trapped especially if it’s just one room plus the bathroom. Gosh. I need space to move around. This place ticks all the boxes for me. What a lucky find!

Anyway, all this to say happy 35th birthday to me!! I have survived 100% of my worst days to get here!! What a feat!! I am immensely proud of myself!! And I am so deeply grateful for the life and love I’ve been blessed with!!

Here’s to many more wonderful years!! 🥰🥂

Listen. I hope by now we all know our superpowers and callings in life cos I will tell you about my life’s 3 biggest callings which also happen to be my zones of genius, my superpowers! In no particular order, it’s being an aunt, a dog mom and a girlfriend!

Those 3 things unlock my favourite version of myself to date! I enjoy and love those 3 callings SO much that I feel like God placed me on this earth to be just that! They make me feel most alive, happiest and just so fulfilled! I would stay alive just to fulfil those 3 roles in my life. I enjoy them THAT much!

Anyway, I’ve been meaning to write this post since my love and I got back from our baecation the last week of July. However I’ve also been feeling very selfish with him. Wanting to have him all to myself and savour him before letting you guys into my head and heart. I am thoroughly enjoying this man! It’s like I measured the ingredients and made him myself. He is THAT perfect *for me!!*

My goodness. What a miracle! Our story still blows me away. A girl was just trying to sell her house not knowing it would lead her to her BIG love. My goodness. I still feel like I’m dreaming!

My boyfriend makes my entire nervous system feel calm. I feel SO safe with him! That was one of the things that sealed it for me- just how safe I felt talking to him. Listen, I have all the feelings and opinions in the world. I generally don’t engage men as my whole self cos I feel like not many of them can handle Sanele. I am not for everyone ok.

I am ok with not being for everyone and I do not make it my business to convince people of my magic. It’s either you get it or you don’t and that’s ok. Those who get it, get it. This is why I never go beyond two weeks in a relationship with someone I’m not sure of. Cos I believe it’s either you get the Sanele magic or you don’t. Move along if you don’t.

My boyfriend gets the Sanele magic. I didn’t have to bend and twist myself to be liked and loved by him. I came as myself and he was into that. My goodness. To be seen and wanted AND loved as you are, WHAT A GIFT!!!

That’s one thing I was sure of- that I wanted someone who would effortlessly GET the Sanele magic. I am deeply introverted, I have many words to say, I am obsessed with my dog and I like to be at home. I don’t want to perform for someone I want to share my life with. I just want to be myself and that’s what I get to be with my boyfriend.

I also have rituals and routines which someone could easily find annoying if they weren’t into me. I have some undiagnosed ADHD tendencies lol that you might not notice until you are THAT close to me. I feel like I’ve been steadily peeling off my layers for my boyfriend and instead of backing off he keeps moving in deeper. My goodness. It is SOOOO good!

I tell him that being with him feels like swimming in the ocean. I have this depth to me which I suspect has even been made deeper by having experienced the kind of loss I experience when my late love passed. That loss CRACKED me wide open. I like to invite people to those depths but not everyone can handle it. Not everyone has the capacity for it and that too is ok.

However my boyfriend has not been intimidated by the depths I have been pulling him into. He follows me wherever my heart takes us. I feel like we are slow dancing to music only we can hear. We are moving together with rhythm to music only we can hear. My god it is DELICIOUS!!

My boyfriend’s divorce also forced him into the depths that losing Tshego took me to. And you know what? He faced death squarely and told it to fuck off! I admire that a lot. I admire that kind of courage. I value that kind of courage. I feel like because of that we get each other on a spiritual level. Life has brought us to our knees and even then we refused to give up.

I honestly feel like we are each other’s reward for not quitting on life when we had good reasons to. Divorce is nasty, you guys. It is a death without a funeral. It’s painful to go through that thing. But as with ALL things in life, you can survive it. Same as you can survive losing the love of your life at 30. EVERYTHING is survivable. I feel like we are each other’s reward for making it through!!

My goodness. I feel like that man gets Sanele at her core. I don’t have to be anyone I’m not around him. My love is super duper extroverted. He loves people and he LOVES outside. I’m the opposite. I don’t like people like THAT and I prefer being at home. But we work. We get each other and love what we see without trying to change it.

I don’t want my boyfriend to love people less neither do I want him to see people less. Nope. That’s his thing. That’s what helps me stay happy and fulfilled so he must do more of that! I also don’t feel pressure to be outside more cos I’m dating someone who loves outside. He knows to come find me at home when he wants to see me. There will be that odd day when I want to go outside but I don’t feel any pressure from him to be outside all the time.

I think that’s one of my favourite things about us as a couple. We genuinely love each other *as we are*. He’s not with me “cos I’ll make a good wife one day” lol. As a divorcee he knows marriage is overrated. LOL Also I’m not called to be a wife, sorry not sorry. We are never having kids cos he’s done having kids and I also don’t want any. He’s had a vasectomy and I tied my tubes for those who wanna say we’ll change our minds. We are really together just to be together! Ain’t that a gift?!

I feel SO incredibly lucky!! Love is such a beautiful thing. I told you guys I absolutely enjoyed myself with Tshego and I definitely wanted that again!! I have it now and I feel so unbelievably lucky! People had cautioned me to brace myself for never finding such a good love again. And I won’t lie I had kinda made peace that I’d never find that again.

I mean, how greedy does one have to be to not want one but TWO BIG loves in one lifetime?! C’mon Sanele! But turns out God never ran out of stock. My goodness. I may be the luckiest girl on earth to experience TWO big loves in one lifetime!

My goodness. I don’t have to compare my new love to Tshego. They both shine SOOO bright in their unique ways. I feel so lucky!

My man makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world. Like it’s just him and I with the world’s greatest playlist playing in the background. I am thoroughly enjoying this chapter of my life! A love that found me when I wasn’t even looking. This man literally found me AT HOME!!

I can’t remember if I’ve shared the story of how we met here. But I was trying to sell my house, he’s a real estate agent. I reached out to him to sell my house but we had such a powerful connection that we both had to rearrange our lives to make space for what was budding between us.

He ended up losing the deal to sell my house cos I didn’t want to mix business with pleasure but at least he gets to keep me?! LOL me thinks that’s better than any commission he would have made from selling my house.

I had SO much doubt about my decision to sell a house that I loved SO much but I keep asking myself how we would have met otherwise?! That alone is enough for me to conclude I did the right thing, the thing that was meant to be just like him and I were meant to be.

I never used to believe that someone could be meant for you until Tshego died. He had literally given me himself til death. When I was now looking at our story going back to the beginning I realised that we were each other’s chosen family and had always been meant for each other! I hope he died knowing that. I didn’t believe or even realise it until he was gone. But now? Now I can tell right from the start that this man and I are just meant to be!

Another thing I like about my man and I is that we are both adults in the relationship. You’d be surprised how many adults still don’t realise that they are adults and therefore keep acting like children in adult romantic relationships.

I can’t stand the infantilisation of adults! We are grown, man. I love that my boyfriend does not act like my child and neither am I acting like he’s my father. We are partners. No one is responsible for the other. We have a responsibility towards each other but we are not responsible for each other. I like that a lot. It’s freeing. It’s exciting!

I’m not with him cos I want him to take care of me and he’s not with me so I can labour for him. We are with each other to truly savour each other. We delight in each other and this is why our time together ALWAYS feels so short no matter how long we spend together!

We get each other as people and talk endlessly! We’ve got this long conversation going on daily on whatsapp. As an entrepreneur and full time dad he’s quite busy, but he always makes time for me! We see each other whenever we can (not every day) and it’s ALWAYS so special!!

I love, love this man and I cannot believe he is real! I love how he took his divorce and used it to bring out his truest, happiest and most secure self! Listen, EVERYTHING that happens to us can be material for building a better version of ourselves if we want it to be. I also used my loss to fashion the Sanele that I am today.

Anyway, all this to say I have met the love of my life and I am deliriously happy again and I just CANNOT believe this is my life! Do you realise the same heart that loved and had to grieve Tshego is the same heart that is now loving this man?! My goodness! Talk about resilience!!

I am so proud of myself for grieving honestly and letting the pain take me where it would take me for it is that journey that has led me to THIS moment!! My goodness!! It’s great that if I had known this man was waiting for me FOUR years after Tshego was gone I would have grieved exactly the way I did! I regret NOTHING!! I showed up for myself and proved my own strength and resilience and THIS is my reward for being so f’n courageous with my heart!

I can’t believe I get to be crazy in love AGAIN!!!Like, what do you mean?! AGAIN?! In this same lifetime?! Goodness. I know it’s easy to look at me now and wish for this same kind of love and maybe life but let me tell you that to get the rainbow you HAVE to put up with the rain!! I HAD to grieve Tshego to get here! There’s no other way unfortunately. The thorns come with the rose unfortunately!

And that’s just life hey. If you’ve been reading my blog from when Tshego was here, to when he died and then to now when I am in love AGAIN- I want your one take away from all this to be PROOF that ALL pain is survivable!! ALL of it!

It took me FOUR whole years to get here. FOUR! But I got here anyway. Meaning you too can reach your mountain peak. No matter how tall the mountain, YOU can summit it! I am not special and I’m not made of steel. I’m made of flesh and blood and my heart did break. I remember three days after Tshego died I went to the emergency room thinking I was having a heart attack only to get there and be told my heart is fine I’m experiencing broken heart syndrome.

I came back from THAT.

ALL pain is survivable, my darling. Let this be my testimony! I am SO happy again like I have never experienced the kind of pain I experienced. I didn’t know I’d ever find another love. Perhaps knowing when my heart would heal and when I’d find another love would have made the grieving easier, but I had to go in blind not knowing what the future held for me.

It wasn’t even that I had faith things would get better for me. Nope. I was just stubborn and curious. I wanted to see how Sanele would handle such a loss and also see what life without Tshego looked like. I had never imagined that life for myself so I wanted to see it for myself. Hold on to whatever helps you hang in there. My curiosity is what kept me going. I was just curious.

I am SO glad I stuck it through cos I could have NEVER imagined this chapter of my life! I had no idea SO much goodness was still ahead of me! My goodness, they were right, “our best days are ahead of us!” Oh trust me! Your best days are ahead of you!!

I am so happy. So, so deliriously happy! My man wants to be with me and it shows. He’s also done the work and it shows!! Oh “he’s a good man, Savannah!”

Yoh guys. What a man. What a love! I may be the luckiest person alive!

If you had told me at any point in the 34yrs I’ve been alive that one day I’d be so madly in love with a dad I would have laughed in your face. I am happily childfree and for the longest time I thought I could NEVER be with a parent. I even scoffed at childfree people who dated parents. Oh the foolishness and naivety of youth!

I remember I matched with a guy I found pleasing to the eye on tinder. When he told me he was a dad I told him that we wouldn’t work. I unmatched with him and that was the end of that story. I’m so sorry you now-stranger.

Anyway, I was wrong about this. I was wrong in the sense that I thought being a parent took over someone’s entire identity that there wouldn’t be a them without the children. In my head I couldn’t see the human in the parent. Gosh. I also said I’d never date someone in their forties and here I am with a guy ten years my senior and also a dad of two!

My boyfriend and I were talking about this and he said I settled for a dad of two. Gosh. No. You cannot put Sanele and settling in the same sentence.

So here’s thing. I met my boyfriend as himself and not in his capacity as a dad. I don’t think I’ve shared the story of how my boyfriend and I met.

I’m selling my house. Yes, I am letting go of my most prized possession. My boyfriend is in the real estate business. I’d known of my boyfriend for years but I’d never spoken to him or seen him in person. He says he once saw me at my brother’s place but I have no recollection of that. He was married then and I don’t make it a habit to look at people’s husbands.

Anyway I asked my cousin to connect us so he could sell my house for me. I reached out to him and as per standard procedure when selling a house, the agent has to come and see the house they will be selling. We set a date and he came through to my house to see the house. Funny when we met I’d just come from a therapy session in which I’d spent the entire 50mins of my session saying just how much I was over romantic relationships. LOL

Anyway, my boyfriend viewed the house then we sat down to discuss the sale. I felt like we had an unexpected connection that day. I know, I know I was just trying to sell my house so I dismissed those thoughts. We kept talking over Whatsapp. Then one day we talked until midnight. That weekend I told him that I din’t want to mix business with pleasure and would therefore be going with a different agent to give what was budding between us a chance.

I was NOT looking for love but love found me literally at home.

My boyfriend has this softness to him I find so irresistible. I don’t like the kind of masculinity that needs to constantly reassert itself. His is a soft kind of masculinity that is sure of itself and secure so it does not need to be shoved down people’s throats.

I fell in love with my boyfriend as a person and wow, I was wrong hey. One can still have a whole identity that has nothing to do with the children they made. My boyfriend is a very cool human being if I do say so myself. I know his kids are a HUGE part of his life but they are not his life. I did NOT expect that. There are parents who no longer know who they are outside of their parenting role and I think that’s just unfortunate.

It was so easy to fall in love with my boyfriend cos he’s such an amazing man so much that the kids just became what he comes with not who he is. I had never been able to see people like that before. I lie I have a cousin who’s a dad who I see as a person beyond his parenting role but the rest? Just parents to me.

Gosh it’s so humbling to type all this but I really had just stereotyped parents in my head. To me all parents were boring and had no lives outside of their children. Boy was I wrong. THAT is humbling to admit cos I tend to be arrogant in my belief that I am right. Turns out I’m not always right. How truly humbling.

Anyway, I won’t lie this relationship has taken me by surprise. All the things I thought I’d never want in my man that my man is- lol I’m eating humble pie.

Turns out 45yrs aren’t as old as my parents and dads are people too. For someone who reads a lot I can have the most narrow view of the world and life and people! Ha. I can’t believe how wrong I was. Also I was quite the ageist it turns out without realising it. Yoh guys life comes at you fast!

I’ve also been SO surprised by how much I love how my boyfriend loves his kids. He is one of those few (I assume) dads who actually love being dads. I won’t lie as a childfree person I’ve always low key assumed that parents secretly resent their kids. LOL I thought it was one of those things you need to get close enough to parents to find out.

I was genuinely surprised to see how much my boyfriend LOVES being a dad. As much as he loves his bike and me, those kids are his everything. And I get it. They are his literal own people that him and his ex-wife made from scratch. They are half him. How amazing! My favourite man multiplied.

I had never thought of how dating a dad would be cos I never thought I’d date a dad. Now that I’m here I’m learning that dads are people too. LOL trust Sanele to need to be reminded of that. I tend to be all black and white in my thinking. I don’t allow a lot of grey in my thoughts. I am aware of it and I’m working on it. This parenting and parents thing was a black and white thing in my head. But it’s actually more nuanced than that.

Dating a dad has also further confirmed to me just how abundant love is!! A man can love his kids and love a girlfriend who is not even their mother the same. Love is expansive in its nature. Please remember this the next time “love” tries to shrink your world. Love GROWS to accommodate people. Love doesn’t ask us to shrink or cut off people to thrive. Love in its nature will expand to accommodate all those who are being loved.

My boyfriend doesn’t love his kids any less now that him and I are together. Nope. Love expanded to love me too. He loves us all in the unique ways we need to be loved. Loving me has not taken away from his love for his kids and loving his kids does not take away from his love for me.

Being with a dad has also made me realise that we are all just grown babies in adult bodies. My boyfriend can be so playful you’d think he was 13 all over again! But he’s also two people’s father. That cracks me up honestly. Like how could they let this little boy trapped in an adult’s body make his own little people who he is also the leader of. LOL

I laugh when he has to discipline his kids cos what do you mean they listen to him! Hahahah that is funny to me!! Life is not as serious and as deep as we make it seem if humans are allowed to make their own humans. What do parents even know to be entirely responsible for other human lives?! There’s a lesson in there about the nature of God and his faith in humanity. If I was God I wouldn’t let you guys make your own other people. Nope. Enough foolishness to go around we don’t need more. And yet, here we are!

In one of my past two-week relationships this guy said he’d never date a parent again cos “the kids always come first.” LOL people are seeking mothers instead of partners out there. Of course the kids come first! Your partner did not make you but they made their kids so that’s their primary responsibility in life. Sometimes I wish people would google the meaning of the word “children” to understand why they need to come first to their parents. LOL

I personally am not trying to compete with my love’s kids. There truly is enough love to go around. Plans will be canceled on account of the kids and as the ADULT you must live with that. It can suck but you won’t die. I’m actually surprised by how easy this has been for me. LOL I guess I am a real adult after all I’m not just pretending to be one.

Turns out dads are people too who also want companionship just like their childfree counterparts. I don’t know why that was so hard for me to see!

And no, my love, I did not “settle for a dad of two.” Settling would have been me being with a deadbeat who wants me to help him take care of him and his kids, is good for nothing, doesn’t treat me right, doesn’t see me, doesn’t see me as a full human cos I’m female. Yoh I could go on forever.

Guys. My boyfriend has the “Sanele for dummies” book. I swear he does. He just gets me! And more than that he sees me and values anything and everything I have to say. He makes me feel like I matter and loves me like he was planted on this earth to do just that. You know how many people dream of that?! An uncomplicated love. A “ here I am, as I am. I will love you the best way I know how to” kind of love.

Gosh I’ve been floating on this love bubble for almost three months now. This week marks three months of us and I cannot believe just how lucky I’ve been!

I just realised I cannot talk about my boyfriend’s parenting without giving a shoutout to his older sister who helps him with the kids now that he’s a divorced dad. My boyfriend lives with his kids and when my boyfriend and I are together it is his sister who stays home with them. Gosh. I don’t know how we’d survive without that sister! I am forever indebted to her. LOL If she wasn’t there I’d probably see my boyfriend way less cos I don’t like children spending too much time with nannies instead of their parents or some family at least. That could be my childfree naivety showing there. Perhaps in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter but it’s what I’m most comfortable with.

Anyway, I am so happy to be here!! My boyfriend communicate like we have PhDs in Communication and that means everything to me! I believe great communication is the foundation of any great relationship. No conversation is too hard or too uncomfortable to be had. We are always talking!

Oh by the way what got me really paying attention to my boyfriend was him telling me he’s had a vasectomy. Gosh. I once met this guy who also didn’t want kids. Then we met a year later and he now wanted at least one child. New fear unlocked! I didn’t realise there were some people who were still changing their minds about children. Yoh a partner suddenly wanting kids would be a dealbreaker for me.

I tied my tubes while I was single so there wouldn’t even be a conversation worth having about kids with a potential partner. I don’t want kids and don’t try to change my mind. I’m glad this isn’t even a conversation my boyfriend and I are having. He’s had the snip, my tubes are tied. He’s got his two kids, I have my dog and together we make one big happy family. I realise now that I was sometimes holding my breath that men I was hoping to have something with would change their minds about not wanting kids.

I no longer trust guys who say they don’t want kids but haven’t had the snip. In my mind they are just not as sure as I am about kids and I cannot risk being with someone who’ll change their mind about my non-negotiables. I find that I am more relaxed, more comfortable, more into my boyfriend cos I know for sure he’s never gonna want a baby from me. I am so grateful for that! I like to love with no reservations and without not that fear of a man asking me for a baby hanging over my head I am relaxed and able to be all in this relationship and love with reckless abandon.

Gosh. I am SO happy!! Y’all know I’m a sucker for love please. I know a lot of people thought I was being dramatic when I kept turning guys down. LOL This man is who I was looking for it turns out! I always tell him that it’s like his heart carries my heart’s AirTag and when we met my heart wouldn’t stop beeping!! That’s honestly how this love feels. Like he is a glove made especially for Sanele’s hand.

I am so grateful him and I get to exist in the same time and space and do life together. My man has been to the lady (a therapist) and it shows. Oh shucks his therapist is actually a man! I just like it when therapists are referred to as “the lady” on the internet. But yea my man has done the work and it shows. He’s precisely what I was looking for in whoever would be River’s dad.

I don’t want to do the emotional labour for a man. Men talk shit about therapy then want their female friends and partners to do what a therapist should be doing for them. Nope. I do NOT do that. My man has met himself. He has made sense of his life including his childhood and his divorce. He has done the work and IT SHOWS!!!!

I LOVE the kind of conversations him and I have. We have a joke that 5hrs together feels like 10 seconds when we are together. We just never have enough time together. To think he’s doing all this on top of his being a dad?! Gosh life is quite big hey?!

Ok I’ve said enough. I’m in love with a man who also happens to be a dad. No, we are never having kids. River is our joint child. I am not a step mother they have a mother, Auntie Sanele until until. I am so happy and so deeply thankful for all this and more!

Here’s to us!!

Yoh. I feel like this week a decade happened. Yesterday I received news that I can’t proceed with my Masters studies because and I quote, “The Postgraduate Research Committee is of the view that from a Business Management perspective, very little merit exists in this study. Furthermore, there are major issues with the proposal too.
• The PRC feels that if you wish to pursue this area of investigation further, it might be better to approach the Department of Industrial Psychology and People Management at UJ, as this study is more in line with their focus areas.”

Yoh cishe ngafa! If you read my blog you’ll know this Masters is something I wanted real bad. Strange that I got the topic from them and I have been getting raving feedback along my journey. I mean look at this feedback from my supervisor after I presented on my research topic for the first time on 25 April 2025 to some of the members of the PRC and some postgrad lecturers:

I got 85% for my first assignment then 69% in my second assignment and I was told the 69% was cos of my literature review, I needed to do some extra work on it. And no, I did not change my research topic in the end. It’s been the same topic right from the start, a topic I got from UJ as they wouldn’t let us choose our own research topics.

Yoh. I cried so hard yesterday and I’d been feeling so sad and sorry for myself until my boyfriend texted me earlier to ask how my day was going and when I told him he responded with, “too busy to be sad” and you know what, that made me laugh cos yes, I’m an accountant and right now it’s month end so yes, I am too busy to be sad. LOL

So yea it seems like my Masters journey has come to an end. How tragic. I am devastated but I’ve survived worse things. If anything life and listening to Pastor Steven Furtick has taught me that you’ve got to trust God the most when things AREN’T going your way. Life has a way of fixing itself all the time. You’ve just got to hang tight through the difficult parts but the sun does rise again eventually. So I will be here waiting for my sun that just set to rise again. Oh I know it will, I just don’t know when!

And you know what? My boyfriend has been the star of this whole show! He was busy and tired yesterday but he still came through to be with me in my sadness. I think I fell a little more in love with him yesterday cos that was the first time I’d faced real tragedy while in this relationship. I like to feel my feelings so I wasn’t sure how he would react to seeing me so sad and devastated for the first time. We’ve been floating on our little love bubble since we got together so this was really the first time I was genuinely sad about something.

He came over and just sat next to me. We talked and I told him just how sad I was and we hugged it out and talked some more. He really just let me be! My biggest desire for myself from when I turned 33 was to just be myself. I realised then that I was wasting so much time and energy constantly trying to be who I thought people expected me to be. I gave that up for my 33rd birthday. I no longer hang out in spaces and/or with people who need me to perform when I am around them. I enjoy myself too much for that.

So it is SUCH a gift that my boyfriend is someone I can be myself with! I never have to perform around my man and neither does he need to perform around me. We are just ourselves with each other and omg what an incredible gift that is!

My man is so comfortable with his feelings that he makes me feel comfortable to be in my feelings around him. I was crying about school at first but at the end of the day I was crying cos I realised just how incredibly lucky I was to be experiencing a BIG love for the 2nd time in my life. I feel SO incredibly lucky!! Like omg. This man is MY man!! Goodness. SO good!!

I now see my boyfriend as my lone star shining brightly and so faithfully in my dark night. I don’t think my boyfriend became that shining star yesterday. He’s been shining but in daylight. It took my sun setting for the light to shine and goodness he shone SO bright!! I’m not feeling as dreary as I felt yesterday but I will never forget the brightness of the star that is my man!! That is etched in my mind and heart forever. So in a way this sadness has been a blessing in that it has revealed just how awesome my shining star of a man is!

I have trained my mind to always seek out the good in every terrible situation. I am a firm believer that certain things stand out clearer in times of darkness in our lives and I am not one to waste a tragedy. As soon as I realised my sun had set I started looking for the light. Asking myself what was standing out for me in the darkness. I will look back to yesterday and see it as the genesis of what will be the rest of my life.

I was wallowing this morning but my boyfriend’s message about me being too busy to be sad cracked me up and simultaneously snapped me out of the pity party I was throwing myself in my head.

I have lost this one dream but no one has said I can never do a Masters ever again in my life. I am smart, I am capable and no one gets to say it’s over for me until literally when my life is over. My life is not over yet. It is far from over! I’ve still got SO much going for me. And on the upside I can go back to reading as much as I like now. That is one thing I missed the most! I love reading but I don’t enjoy reading academic papers please. I actually also don’t enjoy academic writing so I missed just writing for fun.

I missed my old routine before I had school. School had “ruined” my life. I will not miss that. I was willing to make the sacrifice for my education but now that I don’t have to, I will treasure all the things I get to do now that there is no school to think of. I will study again one day but maybe not at UJ. This experience has left a very sour taste in my mouth about UJ. But maybe when I finally do that Masters it will be something more aligned with who I am as a person. I hate how rigid the SA university system is.

There isn’t much room to wiggle in academia in SA. You make the mistake of studying Accounting once and you are stuck with it forever. Gosh. I like how western universities allow people to pursue whatever studies they want to pursue regardless of what they studied previously. In SA you can forget about that. They work in silos and that’s just disgusting. LOL ok maybe not disgusting but I’m annoyed by the whole thing.

Anyway, it is what it is. I am grateful that my wonderful job is not impacted by this at all. I have a damn good job omg and I am SO grateful I can still continue with that even without the Masters.

Listen. God sees everything. He is not stunned by this. Also while “not everything is God inspired, EVERYTHING can be God used.” This darkness just became material in God’s hands. He will use it for my good. I know for sure that one day I will look back on this and say, “had it not been for that experience, I would not be here.”

I lost the love of my life at 30 I know exactly what I’m talking about! God restores. God redeems. God is God, man!! He can do stuff that only God can do. If I look back at all the things that happened after Tshego passed I can trace a few of them back to his passing. I wouldn’t be this Sanele if I hadn’t suffered that loss. The man my boyfriend loves now was made in that fire.

There is a future Sanele who needed this disappointment to emerge. I welcome her and I assure her that I will NOT waste this tragedy! I am SO grateful I don’t have to go through this heartbreak alone. My man truly is the star that has stood out for me in this darkness. I don’t have to go through this alone cos he is with me!! I am SO damn lucky I’m telling you!!

Oh and River took part in Father’s Day celebrations for the first time ever this Sunday now that he has a dad! And let me tell you, nobody LOVES having a dad as much as River does!! I am so thankful I found him a great dad!! I promise I will not date a man who does not like my dog and/or who is not liked by my dog. Oh it matters to me! So to see how well my man loves River is his big, giant green flag!!

This man is a man after my own heart. My very own bright star whose light cannot be hidden. I am so lucky, so thankful, so blessed!!

I love you my angel and thank you! Keep shining!!

As for me? Oh I’m gonna be alright!! There is nothing as resilient as Sanele’s spirit in this entire universe! I will be alright. In fact I will be more than alright!!

The end of one thing always marks the beginning of something else. Here’s to the genesis of the my big, beautiful, shiny life! UJ can’t take THAT away from me!

This is how my son and I woke up today. I usually sleep facing him but the side I sleep on when I face him is my bad shoulder side. Yes, I’m so old now I now have a “bad shoulder” 😂😂 I’m playing it’s not bad cos of age it’s just been bad for most of my life so sometimes sleeping on it hurts. I fall asleep facing River but I will turn once I can tell he’s dead asleep.

However when he wakes up to find that I’m not facing him he comes to my pillow. Yes, I’m in a codependent relationship with my dog lol. Sometimes I hear him when he wakes up then turn back to face him but last night I didn’t hear him so that made him camp on my pillow for the rest of the night. Listen, I’m also someone’s child I don’t have time to be fighting in the middle of the night so I just moved out of his way and carried on sleeping.

But that just shows the kind of bond my son and I have. He is obsessed with me and I am just as obsessed with him. Loving River is how I flex my love muscle. This dog will never do anything for me in return for my love for him. We love each other just because.

Sometimes parents to human children fall into the trap of loving their kids for what they will do for them in return when they are older. There is no such with dogs. Even if River lives to be 15 he’ll always be just a baby who can’t do anything for me. And that’s the beauty of it. A love so lush, so abundant that we can love simply for the sake of loving!

Having a dog has helped me become the best version of myself. It has taught me to love for the sake of loving. River can never repay me for all I do for him. I am just pouring love into him to get nothing else but love in return. How beautiful. How poetic.

I am so grateful he’s in my life! My life just makes sense with him in it. I love being his safe space. I love having him for a shadow since he follows me everywhere 😂 I just love being loved by him!

He is my love that expects nothing but love from me. There isn’t a version of me I need to be to be loved by River. He just loves who I am as I am. Ain’t that a gift!! I don’t have to twist and bend myself in uncomfortable positions to be accepted by him. He just loves and accepts me as I am. And what a gift that is!!

I am so grateful to love and be loved this way. My zero expectations love. My simple love. My easy love. My everything love.

I am feeling happy and thankful today for how my son and I woke up. It just made me smile so I thought to freeze this moment here. I love my baby dog with all my heart!! Life is infinitely sweeter with him in it. My heart is full! I am so grateful him and I get to exist at the same time and share such a beautiful love.

Happy Thursday! Wishing you sloppy dog kisses today! 😘

Goodness. My heart! Do you guys remember what I dubbed the “smiling tour”? On Tshego’s last Saturday alive he took me to Soweto to show me where they once lived, granny’s house then we went to see his aunts then later to his uncle’s house. I smiled SO hard that day I dubbed it the smiling tour! It was such a beautiful day!

Anyway I retraced that path again today with my boyfriend. My heart. You guys. Love is SUCH a big deal alright!! Love is worth ALL the hype!! Goodness. What a thing!! The love that stretched to welcome me after my angel passed has now expanded to embrace my boyfriend and I. My heart.

I think I will be crying about this for the next few weeks. It feels like such a full circle moment. I was telling one of the aunts that my boyfriend is NOT Tshego’s replacement. Nobody could ever take Tshego’s place. Ever. In the same way that no one could ever take my boyfriend’s place. Ever. I’m not trying to compare my loves. I am saying they are both such special human beings that nobody could ever take their place.

I feel so unbelievably lucky. I feel like this guy has reached a part of me I had closed off without realising. It’s the tenderest part of my heart that I hadn’t really allowed anyone access to until now. My heart. I feel like I’m free falling. I feel like I’m free diving in the ocean. Goodness. I don’t have the language to express what I am feeling.

I am SO incredibly lucky. Goodness! So very lucky. It’s like my boyfriend’s heart has my heart’s AirTag. Like I have been searching and searching for my AirTag and finally I found it. What an intense, deep emotional connection we have. I highly recommend road trips as a first date! My heart. I never thought I’d ever have such an intense emotional connection with another human again.

For real. I thought this part of me was now reserved for dogs. I am SO happy to be proven wrong. Goodness. It is SO good!!! SO, SO good!

I believe in love with my ENTIRE being. My heart is wired for love. Love is hardcoded into my DNA. I am most myself when I am loving and being loved. It feels like having the sun touch my feet on a beautiful day by the beach with my favourite music coming through my headphones. I am happiest when my feet are warm!

I am SO happy. So deeply thankful to be here. I acknowledge that it takes immense courage to love again after loss. I am in awe of the fierceness of Sanele’s spirit and her resilience. Like. Who taught her to be SO brave?! Where did she learn this from? To love with such reckless abandon.

And also. For this man. To not only love Sanele but Tshego and his family. My heart. On Wednesday last week we had dinner with Tshego’s brothers. Guys love doesn’t die. Love will outlive us. I am so thankful to have found a man who understands love the way I do. I cannot believe he is real!! What a BIG love!! My heart. What a BIG love!!!

I cannot believe he’s real. My heart.

Anyway I just concluded what has been a great Saturday by my standards. I was in and out of sleep until about 2pm. I got out of bed cos I was hungry. I left the house for a short while and even then I didn’t have to drive as I was with my bonus baby brother and he drove us to and from where we were going.

I came back home and continued to rot on the couch. That makes for a perfect Saturday for me.

Listen. I put the “I” in introvert. I need a LOT of time alone to recharge. A day is usually just enough based on the amount of human interactions I had during the week. Every time I’m in a social gathering or just hanging with someone it is taking from my energy reserves. I then need at least a day alone to replenish myself.

This post is actually about my fav day of the week AND my boyfriend.

I was just reflecting on that one of my absolute favourite things about my man is that he has LOTS of things to do!! A LOT. He’s a couple of people’s boss, a daddy, a biker AND also a boyfriend. The good thing is those other things he has in his life take up quite a bit of his time and energy. I love him, I LOVE spending time with him AND I also love being alone at home with my dog. Many things can be true at the same time.

I can’t remember if I mentioned it on this blog but last year I was in a two week relationship with a guy who wanted to see me ALL. THE. TIME! Ha. That put me off SO much and probably traumatised me a little bit. I don’t want to see anyone ALL the time. You guys. I live with a dog that puts his two front paws on my lap WHILE I PEE!!! I already have clingy and I don’t need more! Ha. River is SO clingy, goodness! Now to also have to deal with a clingy person?! Death. Literal death.

A person must have responsibilities AND hobbies apart from their romantic partner. I am very much against partners doing EVERYTHING together. Which is why I don’t think I could ever live with anyone including a romantic partner. But let me not say “never” cos my man is a few things I once said “never” to and yet, here we are. LOL truly humbling so I won’t say I’ll never live with my partner but it isn’t something I dream of.

I LOVE my space. I like to live in silence with the only sound being on my headphones. I’ve got a routine that works perfectly for my life. I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I love that I can be with my man AND still have that. I legit feel like I’m having my cake and eating it. Even if my boyfriend wanted to spend every second with me, his life doesn’t allow! LOL I am definitely NOT complaining!! I like it this way.

When we are together he gets my full attention cos that’s our time. Actually having full lives apart from each other makes our time together even sweeter. Cos we are literally making time for each other not just hanging cos we had nothing better to do. Oh we always have stuff to do! Not necessarily better stuff but important stuff nonetheless. Doing nothing (for me) IS having something to do! I consciously choose to do nothing on Saturdays cos it’s my rest day. Having nothing to do doesn’t mean I’m open to plans with people. No. Doing nothing IS the plan!

I feel so happy realising my changed relationship status doesn’t affect my Saturdays. My boyfriend is the most ideal man for Sanele! You’d swear I measured the ingredients myself and baked him especially for me. I cannot believe my luck! Two big loves in one lifetime?! Man. The angels must be so envious of me!!

I am SO happy with this man!! Content. At peace. Him and I are meant to be for real for real. I’m gonna see him tomorrow and it’s gonna be so special cos I’ve had today to recharge.

I am a HUGE advocate for couples having their own lives outside of the relationship. Don’t make me your everything. Only River is my everything and only he is allowed to make me his everything. Humans? No, thank you!

My boyfriend LOVES riding his bike!! I support that hobby and passion with my entire heart. He goes on solo rides even. I love that a lot. I love a man who knows how to be alone with himself cos then I know for sure he is not using me to fill his loneliness. s/o to Bell Hooks for that thought! I am excellent at being alone ok. I would get a degree in solitude if that was a thing. I don’t use people to fill my loneliness and I don’t want to be used for that either.

I guess this was a winding way of saying I love how expansive the love between my boyfriend and I is. We stay in touch throughout the day but it’s not in obsessive kind of way that all day we do nothing but talk to each other. Nope. We talk in between stuff which I think is great!! We are *a part* of each other’s lives not each other’s lives. I want to be a part of my love’s life and not his entire life.

I’m also a home body of note. But being at home doesn’t mean I have nothing to do. I LOVE having uninterrupted music listening time, writing time, reading time, working time, River time etc. My life is already so full I do not have capacity to also be someone’s everything.

I’ve had a really great day. I am happy. My heart is full and that’s cos I was left alone. If you want to make Sanele happy leave her alone. My brain is just always working. I need that time to think or else I’d never be able to write. Every writer needs space to hear their own mind. I’m grateful to have a man who doesn’t try to take over that space.

I love this man alright!! I feel like he is my BIG love cos he really has capacity for ALL of me. I’m not having to shrink myself for him. I’m not bending or twisting for him. I’m just myself and that’s all I’ve wanted to be. To be myself in any and every space I enter. This is quite an expansive love. We both feel we have space to be ourselves which is awesome if you ask me!

I am happy. Happier than I thought possible. I have a pretty good life. I have been happy. Having this man in my corner feels like dessert after a really good meal. My life before him was the good meal. I was happy. Content with it. And then he came along and now it’s like I’m having dessert. Oh the deliciousness of it all!!

I really feel like I’m cheating life somehow. It feels too good to be true. I am sure of his love without him being in my face or blowing up my phone 24/7. LOL I really think I have trauma from my experience with the two week guy from last year. Men must have hobbies pls! I don’t want to be the hobby. I need actual hobbies outside of me.

Anyway yea I needed to have record of this day somewhere. It was a great day. I am happy. My heart is full. And I get to see my man tomorrow!! Dessert I tell you! So, so delicious!!