Being effective at connecting with and building relationships with people is an essential skill. It’s not easy, though. Books and training usually focus on skills such as body language, communication techniques and networking strategies. While these topics are important, they are just part of the equation. They are the “doing” part of human connection. This article will focus on a much less talked about part of relationship building — the “being” part.

Regardless of environment, purpose, introversion or extraversion — you can learn to confidently and effectively connect with people. The concepts in this article — presence and curiosity, are valuable for day to day interactions with friends and strangers alike.

More exciting is that by making strong presence and curiosity a part of your general being with others, you will be able to confidently engage with even the most intimidating types of people in what you might consider scary events and venues.

While simply being present and curious sounds easy, it actually takes quite a bit of practice. Tuning out your own head-chatter and nearby distractions when engaged in conversation with someone goes against habits we’ve long cultivated. Our conditioned impulse to constantly check our always-on technology results in a persistent desire to have constant brain stimulation. This goes against what is needed for deep presence and curiosity.

The other source of resistance is our nervous system’s survival impulses, which is constantly on the lookout for threats. That is where our non-adaptive fears of rejection, of being seen, and of failing come from.

It takes practice to be free of our habitual pattern of being in our own head: thinking of what clever thing to say next, or ruminating on whether we look good or foolish. To become natural at genuinely connected with another human being means building a longer attention span, and creating a new autopilot: one of being fully interested and with someone.

Lack of presence is obvious

The importance of being present is not a new idea, and you’d think we’d all understand what it is and have it well instilled in our day to day interactions by now.

My experience is that people are often not aware of how obvious it is when they disconnect during an interaction. This can be briefly glancing down at a phone when it buzzes, or drifting away in one’s own thoughts even though eye contact is maintained (yes, this is noticeable).

Presence is a superpower, and a superficial attempt at it isn’t enough to leverage its true promise. Presence is a way of being that takes focus initially, but can become a default state if you put in time and effort.

How to improve presence

LEVEL 3 LISTENING: Listen attentively to what’s happening with the other person and also what shifts may be occurring in the dynamic between the two of you. Listen not just with your ears and eyes, but also through your intuition. In professional coach training through the Co-Active Training Institute, this called Level 3 listening.

Level 1 is when we’re hearing the content while also being in our own head preparing what to say next. Level 2 is when we are laser focused on what’s happening with the other person — how they feel and what they mean.

To be truly present with Level 3 listening, we are building our ability to not only be fully taking in the other person, but also to sense subtle shifts in what’s happening in the relationship itself. In ORSC (Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching), this is referred to as Relationship Systems Intelligence (RSI). With practice, we can learn to listen beyond what we think and what the other person says. We can start to listen for what the relationship itself is noticing and saying.

This may sound cryptic and mystical at first, especially since most listening skills training tops out at being an “active listener.” If you only take away the idea that there is in fact a level beyond that, and put in some time practicing tuning into it — I believe this article will turn out to be well worth the read just for this one point.

Curiosity

The idea of focusing on being interested rather than being interesting is another concept that has been around for a long time. I think curiosity is not just useful for interpersonal interactions, however. It is a superpower that has many applications. Because of this, it needs to be on everyone’s radar as a high priority skill to develop.

It’s not difficult to cultivate curiosity. It just takes doing the proper kinds of reps. Like building a physical muscle, if you regularly practice tuning into your curiosity muscle and feeding it, you will strengthen that mental state. Curiosity is something that can show up authentically and on-demand if you simply practice it over and over.

I encourage you to be creative in how you practice, but here are a few ideas:

• In conversation with others, ask curiosity-based questions that start with “what” and “how.” Make a habit of digging deeper into a subject coming from a true state of interest.
• Do mindful walks without any distractions (such as music or audiobooks), and purposefully be curious about various objects you come across during your walk. It can be anything: a fire hydrant, a squirrel, a garbage can. Practice being madly curious about the object, and even having an internal dialogue about what you wonder about it. Then move on and do it again with something else. This sounds strange but it works!
• Do improv and/or acting courses.
• Watch documentaries on different subjects.
• Read books outside of your normal topics or genres.

This way of making a genuine human connection opens up a world of possibilities in our relationships. Practice bringing the two concepts of curiosity and deep presence together. No matter the environment or type of relationship, come from this place in your conversations and see what happens.

How to Make a Genuine Human Connection was originally published in Mastery & Artistry on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Similarly, when working on a new skill or an important project, a strong approach is to strive for desired results, but not be attached to them. This means not letting the possibility of a “bad” result disrupt your attitude. You would then be more able to focus on putting forth our best efforts. When we show up being scared of losing, failing, or looking foolish, we feed a counterproductive mindset.

The mindset to embrace: we care tremendously about our art, but we are non-attached to the outcomes.

In an interpersonal interaction, attached “wanting” affects our choice of words, our body language, even our micro-expressions. This results in a way of being that is noticeable. People can intuitively tell when someone has a strong desire for a result when interacting with them. This is unappealing.

The better way is to teach ourselves to be indifferent to outcomes when dealing with people. If you’re not emotionally attached to a desired outcome, you know you’re going to be Ok if you don’t get a “yes.” This reduces the effects of fear and frees you up to be real, and at your best. Letting go of wanting allows you to be more authentically confident, and makes space for better ways of being. You can then freely tune into your curiosity, generosity, and creativity.

This leads to genuine connection and more Yeses.

Other ways indifference to outcome can lead to better outcomes:

Attaining Mastery

In his course The Misdirection Sessions, award-winning magician James Brown credits his level of mastery to not caring about getting caught performing his moves. He is able to get away with deceptions and pickpocketing that should be easy to detect because he has practiced repeatedly without attachment to “not getting caught”.

“It’s that weird line between not giving a sh*t, and caring incredibly about the art….we care about the art, but we don’t care about our ego.”

Ego is the heart of “I’m afraid to be caught…what will people think??” Brown asserts that if we allow what we do to threaten our sense of “me” (ego), it will lead to excessive risk aversion and slow progression. Indifference to outcome will give you the freedom to do without fear, resulting in the kind of repetitive, high-risk practicing that leads to mastery.

Learning New Skills

In his book The Practice, author Seth Godin shares his idea about how attachment to outcome can get in the way of learning a new skill:

“I’ve taught hundreds of people how to juggle. Learning requires a simple insight: catching the ball isn’t the point. People who fail to learn to juggle always fail because they’re lunging to catch the next ball. But once you lunge for a ball, you’re out of position for the next throw, and then the whole thing falls apart…Instead, we begin with just one ball. And there’s no catching: throw/drop, throw/drop, throw/drop. Twenty times we throw the ball from our left hand, watching it land each time. And then we do it again with our right hands.

Practicing how to throw. Getting good at throwing. If you get good enough at throwing, the catching takes care of itself…….The desire for outcome is deeply ingrained, and for some, this is the moment where they give up. They simply can’t bear a process that willingly ignores the outcome.”

Godin uses this example to make the point that attachment to outcome can slow or prevent the learning of a skill. This is true for social skills as well. To be effective with people, focus on “throwing” well. If you focus on being present and exercising your best interpersonal skills without being attached to making a good impression, getting their contact info, or selling them something — you will be more successful. The “catching” will take care of itself.

Lessons from Timothy Gallwey

In his highly insightful book, The Inner Game of Tennis, Timothy Gallwey shows a natural path to overcoming the nervousness, self-doubt, and interference that is caused by “Self 1” — our over-thinking conscious/ego mind. He teaches that letting go of self-judgements and our attachment to outcomes will lead us away from stress. This then also makes way for “Self 2”, our wise and capable subconscious mind, to naturally learn and fully express our abilities.

The author writes: “The cause of most stress can be summed up by the word attachment. Self 1 gets so dependent upon things, situations, people and concepts within its experience that when change occurs or seems about to occur, it feels threatened. Freedom from stress does not necessarily involve giving up anything, but rather being able to let go of anything, when necessary, and know that one will still be all right. It comes from being more independent — not necessarily more solitary, but more reliant on one’s own inner resources for stability.”

Although seeming to be only about tennis, Gallwey’s book is also intended to benefit the broader game of life and self-mastery. Reading it is a good investment in understanding the power of indifference to outcome.

Insights from a former Monk

Jay Shetty makes detachment a central theme throughout his New York Times #1 Best Selling book Think Like a Monk. He states:

“When we track our fears back to their source, most of us find that they’re closely related to attachment — our need to own and control things.”

“Only by detaching can we truly gain control of the mind.”

“…This is a lifelong practice, but as you become more and more accepting of the fact that we don’t truly own or control anything, you’ll find yourself actually enjoying and valuing people, things, and experiences more, and being more thoughtful about which ones you choose to include in your life.”

How to cultivate indifference to outcome:

Once you appreciate the benefits of non-attachment, the next step is to build your ability to tap into this mindset whenever it makes sense. Being proficient at non-attachment takes intention and practice.

Some tips:

• Decide to develop the mindset of non-attachment, and learning to let go of the desire to control outcomes.
• Reflect on the concepts explained above, and find ways to implement them in your life. Develop ideas of your own.
• Look for opportunities to practice showing up with an attitude of openness, curiosity, and giving — without attachment to specific outcomes. Be willing to make mistakes.
• Create many opportunities and types of opportunities so that any one, two or even a few of them don’t matter. In a business development context, the mindset is this: you may need the business, but you don’t need it from this particular client.
• When feeling attached, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen? And how likely is it that it will come true?” If in reality you can face that worst possible outcome, give yourself permission to let go of the fear.

If you are diligent, this work will become easier and easier. Trust the process, and desired results will become more abundant.

Get Better Outcomes By Being Indifferent To Them was originally published in Mastery & Artistry on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The world is changing at an accelerated pace. The evidence is all around us. We’re seeing the impacts of the rapid rise of automation and AI, shifting global competition for jobs, and economic uncertainty that can strike fear in even the most optimistic.

The World Economic Forum Global Risks Perception Survey 2022–2023 ranked the cost-of-living crisis as the most severe near-term concern among the 1,200 experts surveyed. This echoes what we’re seeing in daily news reports and the sentiment around the water cooler.

I believe regardless of what’s happening externally, we always have the ability to choose to create our own realities. One of the key priorities for living in scary times is cultivating personal mastery. We need to constantly adapt to the changing world by showing up at our wisest, most resourceful selves. Good luck can then be optional.

These are my nine principles of personal mastery for thriving in a volatile world.

1. Truly know yourself:

Understand your values, your purpose, and your beliefs. Know your “why.” Take a look for any stories you’re unknowingly carrying around that no longer serve you. By considering an holistic view of your life, you will gain the necessary perspective for understanding how to live joyfully and purposefully.

2. Heighten emotional fitness:

Our nervous system has inherited survival programming designed to keep us safe. But in our modern world this programming often holds us back from being at our best. Disempowering impulses like fear of failure, excessive people-pleasing or perfectionism can affect our decisions without us even knowing. Learn to better notice and let go of negative emotional triggers. Emotional fitness can be learned and strengthened.

3. Expand your comfort zone:

Work on stretching outside your various comfort zones incrementally every day. Be creative. Do at least one action every day that is scary but aligned with your goals. Growing your comfort zone will build self-awareness, boldness, capacity and effectiveness.

4. Be non-attached to outcomes:

Cultivating non-attachment from strong desires for specific outcomes is one of the most powerful ideas that is often overlooked. When our ego is attached and we ruminate on fear of failure, that can make us less likely to achieve our goal. Non-attachment does not mean you don’t care about results. It just means you know what you can control and what you can’t. You focus on and care greatly about your art. An optimal balance between goals and non-attachment can and needs to be achieved.

5. Strengthen the brain-body connection:

Modern neuroscience teaches us brain care principles and methods for nurturing the brain-body connection that promote heightened cognitive ability and general wellbeing. Harnessing this integrated awareness brings forth access to traits such as creativity, confidence, healthy risk appetite, and determination.

6. Be the creator of time:

For high level leaders to reach new heights, “having more time” is often the biggest obstacle. Just prioritizing blocks of time in your calendar won’t work, though. The key to breakthroughs is tapping into your most productive states, and optimizing your energy levels (including mental and emotional). That is the true currency. This can be learned and practiced methodically.

7. Develop superpowers:

Regardless of professional domain: interpersonal effectiveness, creativity, the ability to quickly learn new skills, and the ability to have uncomfortable conversations are all examples of superpowers that can drive success in the modern world.

8. Build resilience:

In her book The Resilience Dividend, Judith Rodin stresses that “Building resilience is one of our most urgent social and economic issues because we live in a world that is defined by disruption.” We must build mental resilience, sensibly prepare for likely challenges, prime our minds to see relevant opportunities, and maintain physical fitness.

9. Live a diverse life:

Engage with people from all walks of life and all age groups. Explore novel pursuits. Cultivate your intellect. This is designing a vibrant and fulfilling personal life. You will find that the more you do this, the more often unexpected insights, joy and excitement will show up.

Great thinkers throughout history have cited the importance of self-awareness and self-mastery as a path to living well. This has never been more true. But the fear that comes from when being reminded every day that we live in a volatile world can be paralyzing.

It may seem daunting to have to work on all of the nine principles above, but it’s easier than it looks. Just go for getting 1% better every day. When you do that, the compounding effect of 1% on top of 1% and on and on is that by the end of a full year, you’ll be 37 times better.

Let’s get to work.

Personal mastery for thriving in a volatile world was originally published in Mastery & Artistry on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern in which one doubts their abilities and has a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud,” despite clear evidence of competence. Ironically, if you’re a high performer, you’re more likely to experience impostor syndrome than people of lesser ability.

If this sense of inadequacy is holding you back from skillfully embracing challenges you know to be meaningful to you, it’s time to shift that pattern into something more empowering.

There are effective methods that can contribute to an overall way of being comfortable in this zone of discomfort. This article will focus on two simple, actionable ideas.

1. De-Stigmatize Impostor Syndrome

In a study of the psychological benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts, researchers found that accepting negative emotions rather than judging them leads to higher psychological health. This counterintuitive finding is the explanation why the recommended approach of de-stigmatizing negative emotions is effective.

When we resist impostor syndrome and view it as “bad,” we are actually making it more powerful. Instead, a simple way to reveal your reserves of confidence and resourcefulness is to reframe the sense you feel as being something empowering. For example, if impostor syndrome shows up as you’re about to give a presentation, you can choose to view that feeling as simply one of excitement and opportunity.

The opportunity can be framed as a playground for growing speaking skills, establishing a reputation, or deepening relationships. This reframing can have a powerful de-stigmatizing effect. After all, the physical sensations of excitement and fear are quite similar.

In his book The Expectation Effect, author David Robson refers to this as wishful seeing, psychologists’ term for our brain’s ability to create what we want to see or want to believe. The author writes:

“…it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you expect frustration to help you learn, it will; if you think frustration is a sign you’re out of your depth and always will be, it is.”

2. Letting Go

Ruminating on impostor syndrome as a negative emotion that needs to be suppressed or pushed away will actually amplify the poor performance you’re trying to avoid.

Instead, practice being with this emotion without judging it. Understand that impostor syndrome is just another example of a misguided survival warning. It is an impulse coming through our basic fears around survival that is just a part of the human condition. Practice being with and then letting go.

“Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind it.”

- David R. Hawkins, Letting Go

The more you practice this, the more impostor syndrome will become something that shows up quietly, and after you briefly dance with it — leaves.

We don’t need to enjoy feelings such as fear, disappointment, and impostor syndrome. We just need to reframe them into something empowering and be able to dance with them. The opportunity for growth here is to get good at recognizing the valuable part of impostor syndrome’s warning, and gently letting go the rest.

Impostor syndrome is often just a sign that you’re in the right place. I say it’s actually a desirable condition for success. When you experience impostor syndrome, know that you’re positioning yourself for growth and learning to be comfortable in uncomfortable circumstances.

These two simple strategies will help you manage your emotions, encourage a healthier internal dialogue, and as a result, call forth the resources you have within you to perform at your best.

Learn to Dance with Impostor Syndrome was originally published in Mastery & Artistry on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.