Template to Persuade Your Cousin Who Coaches Youth League Football to Vote for Bernie Sanders

Dear Cuz,

Congrats again on the big win against _________. Those little turds never stood a chance!

Proud as I am of you for taking those boys under your wing and showing them how to be good sportsmen, I’m even more impressed with your willingness — after a long day’s work at the _________ — to spend your precious free time involved in positive civic activities that will undoubtedly make a lasting impression on young men who might not have a role model otherwise. You remind me of _________.

I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing that makes me feel more American than being in the park on a Saturday afternoon, babies rolling around on blankets, hot dogs sizzling on the grill, boys and girls sneaking off to _________ underneath the bleachers, maybe sneak a cigarette or two. Reminds me of when we were kids.

Feels good to be an adult now, to have my hard-earned paycheck in my back pocket, ready to buy little _________ an ice cream cone after the game, and to know that I can buy ice cream cones for less fortunate kids, too, thanks to record low gas prices, an economy that has improved to pre-Recession levels, driven by record-high corporate profits for the past five or six years.

Speaking of which, I write you regarding Bernie Sanders.

Guys like you and me — just regular dudes — we might feel pretty stable, but despite how hard we work, we aren’t seeing any more money coming in; we can’t save for the future like we should, we worry about our kids’ college, we stay up thinking about some financially crippling medical misfortune. If we can get Bernie Sanders in office, I believe we can get America back to a place where little _________ and little _________ can have the same opportunities we had.

He thinks people should be paid a livable wage, because it shouldn’t be the case that some of those kids you coach can’t afford good cleats and decent meals. I agree.

He thinks college should be available to everybody, just like high school, since a college degree is as essential to getting a job as a high school diploma was for our folks. I agree.

He thinks healthcare is a right, not something that should be regulated by big pharmaceutical and insurance companies. I agree.

And the top income tax rate to accomplish this won’t be anywhere near 90% like the TV would have you believe. We might end up paying more in taxes, but it’ll be a lot cheaper than little _________ racking up $40,000 in student loan debt or going bankrupt paying for medical treatment.

I’m tellin’ you, cuz. You gotta see past the “democratic socialist” thing. What Bernie Sanders is talking about is a country where everybody gets an equal shot at doing well for themselves. There’s not a single other politician looking out for guys like us. Believe that.

Besides, you’ve got Papaw _________’s bullshit detector. Watch one of Bernie’s videos and see if it goes off.

I love you, bro. My best to _________ and the kids. Go (NAME OF FOOTBALL TEAM)!

_________