The Pleasure’s All Mine: How I Learned to Orgasm
For a sexual person, it was quite a while before I knew with certainty what an orgasm felt like. As a matter of fact, it took me longer than I thought normal to feel sexual pleasure at all. Sometimes — especially in the beginning — it was painful. Most times I felt nothing. In my teenage and young adult mind, sex was a magical spell I could put people under to gain desire and affection. Rarely did I truly enjoy myself in the act, because the other person’s satisfaction was primary. Mine was irrelevant. I didn’t know any better.
Having been raised conservative and Catholic, participating in sex or merely talking about it outside of its sinfulness was punishable. In grade school, the subjects involving sexuality and human bodies were tiptoed around rather dryly, as if they were nothing but clinical, medical facets of life. As a result, a well-rounded grasp of sex and its functions in a social, emotional, and spiritual context was entirely off the table. Plus, shame and guilt caused me to avoid exploring — knowing — my own body all together.
Having trouble reaching climax later on in life was a clear result of a lack of understanding and confidence in myself, although orgasmic dysfunction affects people for a variety of reasons. Amongst women, never or infrequently orgasming is common; whereas less than 3% of men experience trouble coming. Given the unique struggles of non-binaries and other genders (gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, and other wild shit I can’t even imagine because I’m cis), they might spend more time figuring their sexual bodies out.
Whatever is your situation, here’s what I personally did to learn how to orgasm:
Understand the sexual self
The first hurdle towards coming was understanding myself in the context of sex. Taking a good, hard look at my feelings and attitudes towards it revealed a lot about why I was never truly present in the act. As I mentioned earlier, I once regarded sex solely as something that satisfied others. The reward I was seeking was their acceptance that I had done well, rather than my own enjoyment.
For me, unpacking my then-religious beliefs and learned social roles helped me see the bigger picture. From there I was able to take the steps necessary to feel present enough to peak. There are many moving parts that may dictate how we frame sex, including social views, relationships, self-image, and sexual trauma. Birth control, antidepressants, alcohol, and other drugs may also play a part in the ability to reach climax.
It’s also important to consider whether or not you actually want to orgasm, or if this inclination is an external pressure placed on you. There are many levels of pleasure you can enjoy during sex without the grand finale — plenty of people are entirely satisfied riding these waves. If infrequently or never reaching climax isn’t causing distress to you or your relationship(s), it’s not something to create stress over.
Ask yourself: What is your goal when you participate in sexual acts? How important is an orgasm to you personally? How does your self esteem tie into this? How open is your communication with your partner? What thoughts occur while you’re having sex, alone or with others?
Masturbate
Spending some time pleasing myself was instrumental in learning how to orgasm with a partner for many reasons. Masturbating takes away the pressure to perform, since less external triggers may take place. Going in with the intention of exploration rather than finishing on a high creates space for discovery.
I first experimented with all the fancy toys and lubes, because it didn’t feel super intuitive to use my hands. My Catholic guilt-ridden mind couldn’t decipher the many holes and folds, let alone how to touch them. The LELO Sona Clitoral Massager, We-Vibe Nova Dual Stimulator, and LOLA Organic Aloe Personal Lubricant have been my longstanding go-to’s for years. Eventually I learned where I liked to be touched, at what pressure, how fast, and for how long. I also noticed that my breathing — its pace, depth, holding, and releasing — played a huge role in coming.
Address other aspects of life and wellness
Sometimes zeroing in on a situation puts you in a box. Humans are complex creatures; there’s rarely a cut and paste, straight path of answers to anything. When I committed to improving my wellness overall, my relationship to sex and my own body slowly but surely improved too.
There are at least seven interconnected dimensions of wellness: physical, emotional, intellectual, social, spiritual, environmental, and occupational. It’s a lot to tackle at once — and it’s an active, ongoing process — but the benefits are vast: orgasms and beyond.
Eating healthier, adopting a meditation practice, going to the gym, bettering my self-talk, enhancing my communication skills, setting goals as well as boundaries, cutting toxic relationships, seeking professional advice and therapy are some of the approaches I personally take with my overall wellness. The way the pieces fit together in your life’s puzzle are unique, but I’ve found that conceptualizing them with the seven areas are a helpful mind-map.
No content on this site should ever be used as a substitute for direct medical advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician. Felix is not a pharmacy or drug manufacturer.
