Dear Incel
I am writing you because I am older and have been through a lot. I have had to learn much of what I know the hard way. I did so when things were more straightforward than they are today. However, the lessons still are relevant to you, and I think I can save you a lot of heartache if you hear me out and take what I have to say seriously.
First, our country (if not the world) has let so many of you young men down. The education system never prepared you for the complexities that you face. It is easy to get confused, making you an easy target for people who want to use you. It could be the so-called Alt-Right or anyone wanting to make a buck. I know many of you are being preyed upon by “pickup artists” who are conmen. You may be stuck in a chatroom that does not offer real solutions but reinforces negative stereotypes and behavior. You don’t want to be stuck, right? You want to move forward and obtain what you want in your life. I want to help you with that because I want to live in a society that offers you the best possible chances for success. I don’t want to live in a society that breaks people apart and creates unnecessary anger.
I will drop some truth bombs and take them for what they are worth from someone who has been through this process already. I want you to skip the nonsense.
Hate will not bring you love. It just won’t. In this case, opposites do not attract. Hate is the opposite of love and repels love. The people stoking your hatred and anger towards women have a goal. The goal is to keep you hooked and line their pockets with your misery. They are not providing solutions that you could use to improve your life. That is not part of their business model. The ones who actually run the chatrooms are the same people trying to sell you bogus ideas about the nature of women and how to “pick one up.” Those techniques are designed to give you a false sense of confidence that keeps you returning for more. They are designed to ensure that you do not form healthy relationships that will make you happy. In short, you will be on the hook for more of their bullshit. You are just a customer of greedy evil people. I know this because I tried this crap when I was younger, thinking it was a shortcut. It did the opposite. When I finally figured that out, I became successful with women. I finally dated a lot and learned a lot. So, I will pass some of that on to you free of charge. My only agenda is to help fix a problem that is causing a lot of pain. Pain for you and pain for women. It is just not good for the world. We have enough problems and will only solve them if we work with each other, not against each other.
Dating is a long haul. It just is. It’s like trying to pick a lock. Sooner or later you will find a combination that works. However, that doesn’t mean you are guaranteed a 50-year bliss ride. The world doesn’t work that way. So be honest with yourself and change unrealistic expectations. You are going to face rejection. Lots of it. That is entirely normal. I remember this, and it sucks. It really sucks. The thing is, much of this is a numbers game. You have to go into it with the attitude that every no will get you closer to a yes. Again, it is a long haul. Keep trying! You may get a yes that turns into a no. When that happens, regroup and try to figure out what may have gone wrong. It may be nothing. Yes, nothing. You just needed to be compatible, and you weren’t. That happens more than any of us would like. This is why we date.
Some people will never value you, but some will. You may have to earn it or be gifted to you. Regardless of how you come by it, it is up to you to remain a person of value by being fair, honest, open-minded, willing to adapt, discerning, etc. This, too, takes time to acquire. Again, be patient with yourself. You have to learn all of this over time. It is all part of the process.
There needs to be said that women have also been very hurt by men. However, we don’t need a “Pink Pill” movement to drive a deeper wedge between the sexes. Simply throwing a blanket over a pile of garbage doesn’t make it go away. So, saying that an entire gender is the problem is reductive and filled with inaccuracies. People hurt people. They always have and always will. It may or may not be intentional, but it happens. Men hurt other men. That is part of life. There is no avoiding that fact. However, you don’t have to hate everyone for it.
Holding anger against someone is like holding a knife to your own gut and pushing it a bit at a time. Then you are expecting the other person to bleed! Well, that’s not going to change your situation. It just makes you easy prey for con artists. It is ok to get angry in the short term. It is not ok to carry that to other relationships. Let that crap go. Admit you may have made some mistakes, and so did the other person. Learn from it, don’t wallow in it. Forgive those who have hurt you simply because you don’t need to carry that negative energy forward and become a self-fulfilling bag of hot mess. You would take it to heart now if you knew how long I took to learn that lesson! It took time to come. I hope you will understand how important it is to uncloud your mind and move on by telling you this. The truth of the matter is that people get hurt in the world. Almost everyone has felt it at some point. That only translates into hatred if someone is giving you bogus information. The world is filled with bogus information. For instance, you are only of value if you have billions of dollars. Or you have to be good-looking to find someone. It’s all bullshit.
Those people who hurt you may be fucked up (or not), just like everyone is at some point. No one pops out of their mom perfect. An extended learning period takes place and does not end when you hit a certain age. No one expects you to know everything right from the start. You have to experience it but shed the hate, or you will never move past that point. You will just get stuck. Some people may have done unforgivable things, but you can still process that without dragging yourself down. If you don’t know how to seek therapy. It’s not a sign of weakness but a sign of intelligence. Weak people never ask for help and will try to bring you down if they find out you are trying to fix your life. Avoid those people; they are not your friends. You will find that only a handful of people actually are.
Finding a place to commiserate online will not direct you toward true self-improvement. It will just be an echo chamber of falsehoods that anger you further. Sure, there may be some good information there, but can you honestly choose what is beneficial and detrimental in all that noise? I can’t. I don’t know anyone who can. If you need to dump your emotions on someone, it is best to see a therapist. Why? They are the only ones who can help you objectively navigate all of your confusion. They are trained to see patterns others cannot see, and they will walk you through them step by step. It is a weird thing, but we sometimes cannot see the behavior causing our issue, but everyone else can see it. That is actually normal. This is why very successful people have therapists that they see regularly.
It is good to be social. It is not good to be sucked into a chatroom. You want to socialize with people who will build you up and not keep you down at their level. It’s good to talk about the fact that you were hurt. It’s not good to cling to a community that has ultimately dismissed the possibility that there is shared fault. Or that only one group is responsible.
That is unhealthy and will confirm your negative views without giving you a solid alternative. You will stay stuck.
Blaming women, half the species, for your shortfalls is utterly counterproductive. It makes no logical sense. I have shortfalls, and so does everyone else. The key to dealing with them is admitting you have them. Smart people do this all the time. Then getting help for whatever may be holding you back. Help can come in many forms, not just therapy. Saying you have shortcomings doesn’t imply judgment; it is realistic and practical. It is honest. Being able to see those shortcomings and deal with them is what sets you apart from others. Women will notice this. Being stuck will get noticed much more quickly.
You are going to feel pain in your life. There is no “happiness” in the sense that you will be forever happy. You will not be. You will have emotions that are appropriate to the situation and will range the full spectrum of emotions. If you were always stuck in a happy state, you would be locked away or medicated for a disease called mania. So, get used to the idea that things are going to hurt. Stop judging these things as negative. Sometimes they are, but sometimes they are clues guiding you to do better. At the end of the day, write down your experiences. After a while, you will be able to pick up on the things that you can change and things you have to accept. So, let’s be honest and accept that there is no fairy tale ending or life. There are going to be ups and downs. It’s easy to judge them as good or bad at the time, but you really only know if they were good or bad, for the most part, once you have lived long enough to learn from them. I suffered a lot of pain, but I needed to grow. That was the clue that I needed to listen to. It was saying, “Something is wrong; fix it.”
Anyone trying to sell you a shortcut is a charlatan. The only shortcut is taking the long way, the hard way. Nothing is gifted to you, nor is it deserved by the mere fact that you are male. The same goes for women.
There are no fancy pickup lines that will magically work on someone who doesn’t like you already. Literally, the best thing is to start talking. If you don’t sense a good reaction, then walk away. Don’t be hurt. It’s normal. One good tip here is to learn about body language. Body language says so much more than people are willing to consciously say. I cannot tell you how often I missed the cues that a woman was interested in me (or not). If I had known how to read body language, I would have had many more dates far sooner than I did. Another thing regarding pickup lines: If you sense that she likes you, say, “Hi, I don’t believe we have met; my name is___. What is yours?”. You don’t need anything more than that. Yeah, that is it. Women appreciate honest and straightforward approaches, not gimmicks. This will help you more than you may think. Keep the conversation going by asking her about her life. If she doesn’t like you, guess what? There are 3 billion other choices on this planet. You will only get to some of them, but you get the idea.
Another reason you will only get to some of them is because if you keep trying sincerely and straightforwardly, you will eventually find someone. That does not guarantee anything, but it is a start. Remember, no one owes you anything. No woman is required to have sex with you, date you, or even acknowledge that you exist. You don’t want women you don’t like running up from nowhere saying something like, “Marry me and have children with me.” That isn’t a vibe you will not like; it is the same for women. They can sense the desperation just like you can. It is not a vibe you want to put off. You may be desperate, but you must hide it and go slowly. Work on yourself and gain confidence in this way. There are no shortcuts. Become an expert in something. Go to the gym. Working out builds confidence and helps you deal with stress. It clears your head and only takes 90 minutes a couple of times a week. You will be surprised at how quickly it helps you. Always use the best hygiene. The confidence will come. Still, the rejection will come. Just be ready and know it is part of the process.
The things that matter in life typically have to be earned. It takes a lot of work and a lot of patience. But most of all, it takes a lot of forgiveness of yourself for not being perfect. As long as you work toward trying to be better, not perfect, you will generally reap the rewards that you so hope to have. Sometimes it takes a long time to learn that lesson. I hope you take it to heart because it’ll save you a lot of grief.
The way to meet a woman is to be respectful, proactive, accepting of failure, and patient with the world. Again, Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Forgive women for not being perfect. YES, forgive women for not being perfect! They are not all underwear models. Plus, those models are airbrushed to look perfect. Porn is fun to watch but just be aware that those women were selected from millions. All women do not look that way. Obviously. The point is do not place your emphasis on looks when dating. You will be surprised to learn that some of the prettiest women are some of the shallowest. Only sometimes, but I found this to be true frequently. Looks still matter, but don’t fixate solely on looks. We are visually stimulated, so I know that this is difficult. I see a beautiful woman; my heart still pounds, and I am 60 years old. We are just wired that way. It does not mean we have to be slaves to it. Plus, we are bombarded with images of seemingly perfect women. That is solid bullshit. It is damaging to all of us. Seeking based on looks should be much lower on your list, especially for the long term. I have seen too many people focus on looks and then have them fade. Then they are left with a partner they no longer like. It is easy to do! Avoid that. Seek a personality that compliments yours. It will be so much better for you in the long run.
Be yourself because being genuine is the key. Someone will see that, and it will matter. It will really matter if you are seen to be working on improving yourself. That is what makes real connections. Not corny pickup lines.
Find an older male figure in your life to help guide you. It could simply be your grandfather. Or if you do not have a grandfather, just an older person you have decided to trust. Try hard not to find somebody that will put you down. The best choice is somebody that will evaluate what you’re saying and feeling and give you advice from their own experiences. If you do not have such a figure in your life, try to find a therapist to hear you out.
Again, It is so easy to be blinded to yourself. What is evident to everybody else can be entirely unconscious to you. This is the value of having a therapist. Even if you are not having problems and want to fine-tune your life, having somebody who can be objective about your thought processes is valuable. This is a sign of strength, not weakness. When I did therapy, I could see a few small things I needed to work on. It worked! It really worked! Therapy is expensive, but you can find someone who works on a sliding scale. I chose to see a woman therapist. I wanted to get the best feedback from a woman. But you can choose who you want. Just make the commitment. You cannot see the benefits you will get from where you are right now. No one can. Just trust the process.
I know several people who did therapy and several that did not. Guess which ones are in relationships right now? I have a friend that never wants to go. We all see his issue. He won’t let you get in a word edgewise. Interrupting women drives them up a wall, especially from a man. He never has a girlfriend. Never. He is stubborn and will not seek help. We have basically written him off. Even though we have told him this several times, he is still oblivious to the one flaw that keeps him alone. He is otherwise a great guy. He should have women knocking on his door. He doesn’t. Not ever. There is probably something you are doing or not doing holding you back. It never hurts to let a professional help you with that.
My problem was I did not know how to listen to a woman. I still screw up sometimes, but I catch myself and apologize. My girlfriend gets that I am trying. Women want to be heard. They want to vent. They want you to avoid solving their problems for them. They want a sympathetic shoulder to rest their heads on. We, men, want to fix the situation as quickly as possible. No matter how obvious the solution is to you, they aren’t asking for that. They want to feel safe, heard, and appreciated. If she wants you to fix something, she will specifically ask you to fix it. My girlfriends kept saying, “You’re not listening,” in a very frustrated tone. I was like, “ What the fuck, I am right here, I have two ears, I hear what you are saying, but…” Once I figured out the problem, I was astonished at how easy it is to make a woman feel loved and appreciated. It took some therapy, but I have been with the same woman for ten years. That was a simple fix! There were other things I had to work on, but that was a massive breakthrough for me. It enabled me to keep my relationship with her going. She would have bailed like the others had I not learned that simple lesson. Having a women therapist was the best thing I ever did for myself. I pretty much fell in love with her, lol. She is awesome! I could tell her anything, and she wouldn’t even flinch. She always had the right thing to say. That is the value of a professional.
Forget about measuring your penis, or comparing it to the guys in pornos. Most women could take a penis that large, nor do they want one like that! Most women cannot achieve orgasm through vaginal sex anyway. I think it is like 80%. So who cares how big your dick is. But she will find it pleasurable anyway. If you really want to please here there are plenty of women on medium that write about how to perform oral sex. Follow them! If you get good at that you will be shocked at how often you woman wants to get with you. If you want it done to you, you should really learn how to do it for her. Learning it may take some communication with your girlfriend, but its worth it :)
I am saying all this because I have seen the comments in the so-called manosphere. Very few are helpful; if I was a young man again, I might easily fall prey to this trap. When I was a kid, none of this existed. When we had a problem, we sought out people we trusted who knew what they were talking about. Sometimes it helped; sometimes, it didn’t. It was easy to fall into the wrong crowd back then. It is easier now. It would help to take what you see in chatrooms with a grain of salt. If it works for you, keep it. If it is holding you back, or sending you backward by feeding your negative feelings, then get rid of it. If it is providing feelings of anger, then it is propaganda designed to keep you hooked. Avoid it! Yeah, that is a thing. There are AI-driven chatbots that look like real people that feed you this stuff to keep you there and then target you with the real agenda. The real agenda might be white supremacy or to sell you a book on “How to Pickup Girls.” It’s fucking evil, and it should not be happening, but it does. Social media companies perfected the technique, which is now widely used against young men in such chatrooms. You don’t know it is happening. That is the evil genius behind it. If you knew what was happening, you would laugh at it. That is how propaganda of all types works. I was educated in these techniques, so I know what I am talking about. We used it on our enemies, but the private sector learned how to use it against you for profit. It is used against women as well but in different ways.
You are on a long journey. You may think you have a destination, but you must know other choices exist. So if you’re bogged down in a chatroom blaming the world’s ills on an entire group of people, you should take advantage of all the other options. Nothing in life is simple. It was never meant to be simple. It was meant to be meaningful and a chance to grow. Take the opportunity to grow, and eliminate the junk keeping you in the same place. It’s easier said than done, but that is a lesson I have learned over many decades. I hope that this helps you.
For other readers, the educational systems need to address this ASAP. The world is constantly changing, and people need to learn coping skills and learn to adapt. The education system was designed decades ago. The world is drastically different now, and it will forever change. Therefore, education needs to keep up with the needed life skills. While it is good to learn how to think, with classes like algebra, that should only be a focus if a student is going to direct their lives to science or finance.
A 13th year of education should exist in public schools. That year should be devoted solely to life skills like using a credit card. And the differences in how the sexes relate to the world. At this point, we hand graduates a keyboard and say, “You figure it out… We did”. Well, the world is entirely different now. And navigation takes a level of discernment that is not possessed by the average 18-year-old of either sex. If they choose to go, the first year of college should have a required class on these topics. There are very advanced propaganda techniques being used by our domestic and foreign enemies that are meant to sow discord and pain in our country. These techniques are arduous to unravel. They are designed to be insidious and to fly under the radar. If you are explicitly educated on using them, they are easier to avoid. When you learn to use them, you learn to recognize them. Awareness is critical, and our country is very naive. Our population is subjected to these techniques via algorithms designed to keep them hooked.
The biggest “Tell” is your emotional state while reading or interacting with them. Be mindful of your emotions online or while watching cable news. Suppose you sense a consistent pattern of emotional disturbances. In that case, you are likely being subjected to a marketing plan that does not involve the truth. Avoid those sites and channels. If you start hating your neighbor, or the opposite sex, or anyone for that matter, that is a sure sign something is not right. Some people are vested in dividing us and have the tools to do it quickly. Awareness of your emotional state while interacting with electronic media is vital. It is a skill that takes time to develop. Still, it will keep you out of the downward spiral of social media and subtle propaganda.
