Fighting the way out of the egg
‘’The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born first must destroy a world. The bird flies to God.’’ — Hermann Hesse
Trigger warning: This content contains themes of suicidal thoughts, compulsion, violence, crime and sex.
– No, it’s not possible. I have lived through this before! Everyone around me wears masks, restricted from going out, talking to my friends and family only through the computer. I know I am hospitalised! You don’t need to lie to me, I can’t take this anymore!
— Daughter, stop it, you’re not hospitalised, the medication has been working for the past few months, and you haven’t had any psychotic episodes in a long time! We really are living through a pandemic, that’s why you’re stuck at home unable to go out, that’s why we’re talking to you via computer, you need to trust us and not leave the house.
— AHH! You’re voices in my head, I know it, enough.
I turn off the computer and start pacing the house anxiously. I live in an outbuilding in the Paraíso neighbourhood in São Paulo. Or I think I do, I don’t know, maybe it’s just the hospital room where I’m hospitalised. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 19, after an episode where I jumped out of the third-floor window of my ex-boyfriend’s building. I don’t remember what happened…
