Now: 25 Bits of Advice for my Beautiful Teenage Daughter, to take into her adult life …

1.) Love yourself. You’re the only you that the world is gifted with. Your ideals, your beliefs, your core, your moral compass: they are all uniquely you, E. Yes, you will grow and question and test your limits and beliefs, and you should. We are not static: our bodies and brains and spirits are sources of energy and light and motion and life. Please don’t ever stop growing.

2.) Be honest. Lying is rarely the right way to go. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t be tactful; if someone you love wants your opinion — i.e., approval — about something that won’t hurt them, such as their love of all thinks pink or plaid, be kind. Say, It’s not for me, but I can see why you like it. If, however, someone wants your opinion about an action they’re going to take that may hurt them or someone else? Be honest. Be kind in your honesty, but be honest.

3.) Be a person of integrity, always; you will be able to look in the mirror and know that you have been true to yourself and your beliefs. And others will know you as a person of good character, and that is important. Don’t do something that makes you feel uneasy inside just because someone else wants you to do it. Rarely do decisions that matter need to be made on the fly; listen to your inner voice: that’s your integrity calling. And it’s telling you to listen, and consider, and to be true to who you are. Don’t be a people-pleaser or go along to get along. Don’t let yourself be talked into something and don’t try to talk someone else into doing something you know will cause them distress, simply because you don’t want to do it alone.

4.) Create. Feed your soul with music and words and art. Keep your guitar close; lose yourself in discovering how to make strings and wood speak. Write your own music and play it for yourself if no one else. Go to that place in your mind and heart and soul that feeds on music and creativity and let go. Be in that moment and let your joy and creativity speak through your fingers and across the strings. Speak to the world through music, give that gift to yourself and put that beautiful energy out into the universe. Share that love with others and spend some time busking. It will help you spread love and joy to a hurried world, and give you pleasure in knowing you’ve made someone smile. Everyone speaks the language of music.

5.) Keep your library card current, and read. Books of fiction and nonfiction, poetry, plays, lyrics, news, magazines, longform journalism, personal essays, biographies: read it all. Take yourself out of yourself by reading. Grow your mind and spirit through the printed word.

6.) Explore bookstores, especially bookstores that sell only used books. Savor the musky, woody, leathery smell of books. Pick up whatever looks interesting to you, be it a blurb, or an illustration that catches your eye, or the thinness or thickness of a book, but don’t limit yourself to new books or books that you ‘must’ read for school or your job. Old books are treasures; someone, or many others have held those books before you. Respect the gift that books give to the universe; some person, somewhere, believed in their ability to tell a story that needed to be told.

7.) Help others. If you’re walking down the street and you see a homeless person, stop and offer them something to eat or drink, or take what money you have and give it to her or him. That woman is someone’s daughter, that man, someone’s son. Maybe she once was a soldier and saw her friends killed in combat; her return home was a haze of PTSD and she became addicted to drugs and lost it all. Maybe he was a carpenter and hurt his back and lost his own house and then his family. The fact is: you just don’t know what results in a person living on the streets. Don’t judge anyone. People are fighting a good fight inside every day. Give thanks for your own good fortune and work to make others’ lives better.

8.) Live globally. Wherever you go, there you be. Just remember that there is someone tens of thousands of miles away who doesn’t have it as good as you undoubtedly will. Be conscious of that and live accordingly. Make economic and environment choices that have a positive impact on your life, the lives of others, and the planet that we all share.

9.) Explore the treasures that exist beyond the walls of your home, wherever you may live. Support local businesses; they help keep your town vibrant — whether your town is the 16th arrondissement, or a tiny US town, or a village in South America. Explore it, appreciate it, make it better and welcoming.

10.) Travel and see the world. When possible, live like a local. You love French & are making your first trip to France in a few months to stay with a family for two weeks. I am so happy for you, E! And I am proud of you for your desire to take yourself out of your comfort zone and see the world! Enjoy it! Eat bread and drink wine and walk and walk and walk and enjoy the air you’re breathing. La vie est belle! La vie est une fleur dont l’amour est le miel!

11.) Don’t take anyone for granted. Put time and effort into relationships that are important to you. Don’t be complacent and assume the other person will always be there; relationships, like flowers, need attention and care to blossom and flourish, and to survive the rough winters and summer droughts. Don’t always be the taker in a relationship, E. That tends to happen when the other person seems so effortlessly to make efforts to include you in her or his life. If someone sends you a card or email telling you how much you mean to them? Call them and let them know how that made you feel. Simply saying Thank you sometimes just doesn’t cut it. Eventually that person might decide that the effort is too one-sided, and they’ll pull back. One day you’ll wake up and think, Gee, I miss that person. Chances are they will miss you too, but they’ve decided to invest less of themselves because they felt unappreciated. Make amends if you must, but avoid it all together by simply giving of yourself and not taking others for granted. You don’t want to miss the opportunity to tell someone you love them, you appreciate them. There are no guarantees they’ll still be around when you decide you have time to give. Make time. It matters. Love really is all that matters. The rest is just stuff.

12.) Send cards for no reason. Yes. I know that actual paper mail, i.e., snail mail, is for the ancients. Tough. There are few things better than opening the mailbox and seeing a creamy Hallmark envelope addressed to you, in actual ink. It means someone, somewhere, cared enough to go to the store and buy a card (or better still, made one!) and handwrite you a note. No matter how crappy the day, you’re guaranteed to feel better. Make someone’s day. Share your love.

13.) Take naps. Don’t deprive yourself because you feel like you ‘should’ be doing something. Replenish your body’s energy by resting. Give your brain time to dream. Napping IS doing something, and there are few pleasures that top drifting off on a rainy afternoon to the sound of the sky watering the Earth.

14.) Cook for yourself. You don’t have to have a million things in your cupboard or fridge to eat well. Just keep some onions, garlic, good pepper & sea salt, canned Italian tomatoes & paste, quality olive oil, cayenne pepper, eggs, carrots, peppers, potatoes, shallots, dried peas, stock, and pasta on hand. Frozen fruits & veg are great; stock up when they’re on sale and you’ll never go hungry. Use real butter, always. The other stuff is just shite. (Butter can be frozen, too, FYI.) Make yourself fresh soup: you love my butternut squash soup and you can replicate it with ease. All you need: 1 1/2 lbs of chopped squash, a quart of stock (chicken or veg), dashes of salt, pepper, cayenne, and nutmeg, if you have it. Boil it all together on a low boil; when the squash is tender (22 mins or so), use your stick blender to purée it in the pot. Add heavy cream if you’d like, and a TBS of butter. Enjoy. If you’ve apples? You can add them to the mix along with the squash. This makes plenty & you can freeze half for later.

15.) Be thrifty — not cheap. Invest in quality clothes that will last you a long time. If you can’t find it used, save your money. It’s better to have a high-quality wool coat, that costs more but lasts forever, than a cheap version that was probably made by people earning slave wages in poor countries and falls apart in a few months. Recycle when you can, but don’t donate crappy stuff that’s falling apart. That just says you don’t think people who shop in thrift stores deserve to have quality clothes or furniture. Don’t be that person. Shop in thrift stores. You’re recycling and contributing to charities, like Goodwill or Sally’s. You’ll find the best quality stuff in wealthy towns. And by quality, I mean clothes that will last. When you’re done and you don’t wear something for more than a year? Re-donate it.

16.) Accept and embrace a little chaos in your life, E. You cannot plan for everything, so please understand and accept that sometimes the Universe will throw a curve your way. It’s ok. It’s healthy to be a little unnerved but please be strong enough to withstand some chaos. It’ll be good for your soul, I promise. But don’t let chaos become the norm.

17.) TIP. WELL. Your grandmother was a bartender who raised three kids on a $2.18 hourly wage. How? People who tipped. Thank god for those folks, who saw my mother busting her hump every day and knew she deserved more. Always assume the person providing a service, whether it’s cutting your hair or making your meal, is counting on you to help them pay the rent or feed their kids. If you can’t tip at least 20 percent? Go to a cheaper restaurant where you can.

18.) Always say Please and Thank you and Hello and Goodbye. Whether it’s a toll taker, a server, a store clerk, or the POTUS, manners matter. Being polite shows your respect. Do it.

19.) Smile at old people. If I need to explain this, just listen to the John Prine sing “Hello In There.” http://youtu.be/RfwGkplB_sY

20.) Go to the beach and listen to the waves. The ocean, not some sad little pond. Be in the moment; inhale the ocean air, absorb the sounds of the waves and the gulls. Feel the sun warm your skin. Live in your head and be one with your senses. That time is precious. Be ‘selfish’ with it, my Cancer girl. You’re a child of the ocean. You need this for the restoration of your spiritual, mental, physical and inner beings.

21.) Donate your time or money, or both, to support causes and people you believe in. You have a beautiful heart, E. Give of yourself to others and the things you believe are important. I guarantee you’ll feel better knowing you’re making a difference and the world a better place.

22.) Actively work, in every part of your life, to create equality. Black Lives Matter. You know this and you understand why. Society as we know it is controlled by the white ruling class for the express benefit of the obscenely wealthy, privileged few. Those bastards have made their fortunes through inheritance, for the most part, but always on the backs of the working person and at the expense of the poor and marginalized. They demonize any attempt at leveling the playing field by saying unions are the problem because they want more money for workers, or people of color are takers and not job creators, or the poor are lazy and don’t really want to work. That’s utter and complete horseshit. That evil myth is perpetuated by the WRC (white ruling class) to stoke endemic racism among ignorant and scared white people, regardless of their socioeconomic status. Fight this garbage at every level. If someone says something derogatory about People of Color, or immigrants coming to this country to have a better life, or the poor? You are obligated, E., morally, and ethically, and spiritually, to tell them they are wrong and ignorant and racist. Just do it. Not to do it implies approval.

23.) Be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up about things you’ve done that you later, with hindsight, regret. Regret is pointless. That isn’t to say you can’t feel badly about a choice you’ve made, but regret is an emotion that makes you relive said decision over and over — and that’s unhealthy. You are human, E, you are going to make mistakes and do things that, in hindsight, you’d have done differently. That’s normal and healthy. But don’t let poor choices haunt you and live in your head, replaying a harmful tape of regret. Instead, view those decisions and consequences as opportunities to learn, to give thought to how to approach similar situations in a more thoughtful, long-term way. None of us are perfect and those who would have you believe they are, are utter charlatans. Or clueless. Probably the latter. Tell yourself daily that you are beautiful inside and out, and worthy of all good things.

24.) Use the good silver every day. Buy fresh flowers in the winter, and grow your own flowers when possible. Why save the good silver for special occasions? LIVING is a special occasion! We are guaranteed only one life: You are worthy of having the same beauty you bring to others, in your own life! And I have to tell you: the good silver that you’ll have is a mishmash of pieces stolen by my Aunt Dot from the fancy dinner parties she attended over the years. God, Aunt Dot was fantastic. A 4-foot-9 ball of energy fueled by brains, filterless Camels, and brandy for breakfast. She wore great wigs, called everyone Babe, was married to Uncle Stanley (he was 6-foot-2), had a silver Christmas tree that she decorated with pink balls and kept on a tabletop from Thanskgiving through New Year’s Day, kept an endless supply of rock candy swizzlers in a glass bowl on a shelf in their Queens apartment, and always drove a gorgeous Cadillac, ones with real leather seats and burl wood. Oh, and she carried these gigantic purses: it’s how she was able to accumulate so much silver. And crystal drinking glasses. She loved Elvis Presley and had the giant poster on the bedroom door to prove it; mingled with the wealthy (she was a Cornell grad and worked at Belleview); and wore fantastic flowery bathing suits with matching bathing caps to Jones Beach. Oh, and she once let me drive her giant white caddy on the Long Island Expressway and Northern Boulevard from Queens to Port Washington. Did I mention I was 13? I was. I wish you had an Aunt Dot; maybe I’ll be that to your children someday: crazy Graama H. I’ll call your kids Babe.

25.) Be yourself and do what makes you happy and live each day with a bit of gratitude. Yes, you come from a family (ok, me and mine) with a history of addiction (booze for some, drugs for others) and mental health issues (ok, depression), but that doesn’t mean that you will be saddled with those struggles. In fact, knowing your risks, and I think you do, will help you to make decisions for yourself that will be good for your life. Don’t strive to be successful at accumulating things or having the most or the best; you cannot take that shit with you, and at the end of the day that won’t matter. What matters is that you are happy with yourself, the woman you are, the partner you’ll be, the friend you are, the mother you might be someday. What matters is that at the end of the day, you can take a deep breath and be grateful for your life, even when it’s hard, because you know it is a gift. In fact, each and every day is a gift, a jewel box waiting to be opened and appreciated. Calm or chaotic (or a mix of both), Life Is Beautiful. Be grateful, even when you’re not. And know that you are never alone, E. No matter where I am, you are there, too. I love you, my beautiful, kind, smart, thoughtful Daughter.

Namaste, Mom.

17 October, 2015