Editor’s Note: Upon first publishing this post did not link to a source article. This error has since been fixed.
There have been, unfortunately, a lot of lies — white and otherwise — going around about women and sex. They’re not helping anyone (and can, in fact, be emotionally and even physically damaging), so it’s time to get real about some of the lies that women have been implicitly or explicitly told about sex.
1) All Women Have Vaginas
Nope. Gender identity and sexual organs you were born with are two different things. No matter what genitalia a person born with, they can identify themselves as male, female, both, neither or however else they experience themselves in the world.
2) Virginity Is a Real Thing That Means Something
I made an entire video dedicated to this subject in particular. Basically, virginity only exists as a social construct. Historically, it was used to commodify a woman’s sexuality. Today, it elevates penis-in-vagina sex as the ultimate sexual destination. Not only is this a heteronormative view of sex that devalues LGBTQ sex, but it diminishes the seriousness of all other sexual acts. This can put added pressure on young people to participate in sexual acts they may not be ready for by lessening them to “not real sex.” The concept of virginity also places a woman’s worth on her sexual “purity,” which leads to slut-shaming and sex-shaming.
3) Women Don’t Masturbate
While studies have shown that women tend to masturbate a little less than men, most women masturbate at some point in their lives. And that’s a great thing! Masturbation allows you to discover what your body likes, and it allows for some pretty great sexual satisfaction. The myth that women don’t or shouldn’t masturbate leads many women to feeling shameful for exploring their bodies and, ultimately, for their sexuality.
4) Too Much Sex Will Ruin Your Vagina
The vagina is a highly elastic muscle, not a pair of jeans — it’s not going to “stretch out” after being used. This myth only serves to shame women for being sexually active (are we sensing a theme here?), hence the term “loose woman.” An unaroused vagina snaps right back to its original shape.
5) Having Babies Will Ruin Your Vagina
Although some women report changes in sensitivity, post-baby vaginas largely return back to their original shape within weeks of giving birth.
6) All Trans Women Want a Vagina
Remember before when I said that gender identity and sexual organs are two different things? That also means that not everyone who identifies as a woman feels the need to surgically alter her body. There are several different surgical options for trans women, including sexual reassignment, breast augmentation, facial feminization and more. Which (if any) of these surgeries to undergo is deeply personal to each individual woman and how she expresses her gender identity.
7) Size Is Everything
As Julianne Ross at Mic points out, size does matter. Kind of. To some people. But not as much as you think. We’ve all seen ginormous porn wangs that make your forearms look tiny in comparison, but the reality is that the average penis is just over 5 inches long when erect, which makes sense when you consider that the average vagina is only 3–4 inches long. The vagina is a muscle that stretches and also tents (elongates and widens) when aroused, and thus can accommodate all different penis sizes, but does not need a “large” dick to feel full.
Besides, for those of us born with vaginas, it’s all about angles. There are areas of the vagina that are more densely packed with nerves than other areas. Angling penises, fingers or dildos so they hit those areas (experiment with positions to find what works best!) is going to do a lot more than adding on a little extra in length or girth.
8) It’s Okay To Fake Your Orgasms To Make Your Partner Feel Better
Please, don’t do this. Nobody wins when you fake your orgasms. Not only are you not climaxing sexually, but your partner isn’t learning how to please you. Also, it’s dishonest, and my hope for everyone is to be in sexual relationships (really, all relationships) that allow for open and honest communication.
Additionally, faking orgasms contributes to the idea that sex is about, above all else, climax. Of course that is a goal of sex, but sex can be about so much more than that if you open yourself up to it. Sexual exploration is self-exploration.
9) Sex Should Be Like Porn
Porn can be hot and porn can be very arousing, but porn is also a lie. Mainstream porn especially is specifically made to appeal to male power fantasies, and the women in them (both cis and trans) are often used as objects with the sole purpose of sexually satisfying the man. The women are also shown as getting immense sexual pleasure from being used this way.
Because most porn is made to be watched by men, even much of the lesbian porn out there depicts women in ways that are meant to entice the male gaze. This version of sex is not what most women find pleasurable or sexually empowering.
10) It’s All About Penetration
If you’ve seen just about any sex scene ever portrayed in media, you’d probably think that all is takes to make someone with vagina come is to jack-hammer a phallic object in and out of it for a while. Turns out, as few as 7% of people born with vaginas can reliably orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone. Everyone else, it turns out, needs clitoral stimulation as well.
