An Expert’s Guide To Getting Dumped
I have never broken up with anyone, but I have been dumped, and dumped, and dumped again.
I’ve been dumped via text, via email, via Gchat. I’ve been dumped during a college day party, at a coffee shop, in the middle of the street. I’ve been dumped on Valentine’s Day, before the date. (I had to change out of my dress and into pajamas). I’ve even been dumped via a messenger because he was too scared to do it himself.
A year ago, my serious boyfriend abruptly ended us. From there on, I resumed the persona of a steaming sack of useless fury, alternating between feeling livid and bitter to hopeless and inactive. I ate hundreds of tacos and wrote approximately 30 shitty love poems. I lived on the precipice of tears for nearly five months. I made a lot of mistakes. My obliviousness was embarrassing. How could I have not known?
Despite the fact that “heartbreak” is a universal pain, the mere camaraderie does nothing to ease discomfort. We all endure soul-crushing breakups in which pain latches on to every thought like a parasite, feeding off of our consciousness. But we all get through it.
As a survivor of all type of breakups — big and small — I begrudgingly concede to being somewhat of an expert in being dumped. While everyone experiences heartbreak differently, here are a few tips from my personal experiences, which I hold to be universal breakup truths:
1. Disconnecting Is Key
Immediately unfollow your ex on all social media. Even LinkedIn. Hide them from your Gchat buddy list. Ask your friends to delete your ex as well, because you will beg to stalk and they will let you. Delete your ex’s friends who may post photos of them; nothing will set you back more than when a photo of your ex looking particularly gleeful at Hair of the Dog pops up on your timeline.
Do whatever you need to do to completely disconnect yourself from what they are doing. It is extremely unhealthy to be able to track their activities while you are in so much pain. Protect your future self by doing all of this immediately.
You may get creative in your craziness to connect — but forgive yourself. At some point, I frantically searched through old emails from 2012 to find the signature that I knew listed my ex’s cell phone number. It wasn’t worth it.
2. Alone Time Is Crucial
While surrounding yourself with loved ones is important, being alone is equally as important to move on. Constant distractions inhibit you from truly dealing with all the emotions involved in getting dumped. Admit defeat. Feel hurt. Get it over with, so that you can be happier than you were in your relationship.
In order to do so, I would quite literally block out times to feel the pain. I scheduled time to be alone. During that time, I would let the pain come to me violently like a brief tropical storm, then let it pass.
When hurt, it’s healthy to let yourself feel angry, sad, disappointed, rejected. Don’t cower from pain; this will allow you to better interact with your friends and family because you’re not masking your pain — you’re dealing with it head on. You’re facing it like an enemy. You’re living with it like a new roommate and adjusting. Soon, you won’t need to do this because there will be no pain left to feel.
3. Rebounds Don’t Work in the Long Run
You’re capable of convincing yourself of almost anything when you’re hurt enough. When it comes to breakups, we’re particularly prone to believing that it’s to possible meet, date and marry a “soulmate” approximately one month after getting brutally dumped. In actuality, your brain is protecting you from dealing with pain by immediately replacing it with amusement.
Take it from someone who has jumped into a relationship mere months after an emotional breakup. You are not in a rational state to understand what you need, who you need and what’s best for you immediately following a breakup. If you do dive into one of these unintentional rebounds, it’ll eventually come to light either that you’re not compatible or you didn’t give yourself enough time to get over the person that dumped you. If said rebound happens to actually be “the one,” they’ll wait for you to be ready. Be strong enough to tell them that you aren’t.
4. There’s Really, Really No Such Thing as Casually Hooking Up With an Ex
Not two months from now. Not two years from now. If you loved someone, you simply cannot maintain a purely platonic, physical relationship.
I, for one, have never had a “clean break”; every split has been followed by a period of delusion in which I genuinely thought platonic hookups were possible. It has always only made me feel worse. In truth, hooking up with your ex is self-inflicting torture, no matter how much time passes. It diminishes all of your progress. It’s like starting a thousand-page Word doc and X-ing out before saving. Just think about it: there are so many people out there who haven’t dumped you (yet).
5. Making Lists Facilitates Positive Thinking
Breakups define what used to be, but is no longer. When heartbroken, you have no choice but to counter this directly by creating a life in which you celebrate what isn’t yet, but will be.
After the breakup, I physically wrote down the top 10 things I want to achieve. I made a bucket list of adventure activities, and I started doing them. I wrote down the attributes I’d like my future significant other to have. I wrote out a list of the places I’m going to visit (and I’ve been to a few of them already since making it).
By creating an obtainable future by yourself, for yourself, you’re establishing that you can achieve what you want. Forward thinking is key when getting through the dark times. Honestly, the blessing in getting dumped is that you are able to start over and make a new friend — yourself!
