Fear — Friend, Foe Or Both?
My stomach flips as my brain runs through the umpteenth hypothetical outcome. I haven’t given a real smile in hours, maybe days, and my eyebrow muscles literally ache from the intensity of my concentration. I’m probably staring at an email draft. I’m definitely about to make a career move — this is the only time I ever truly feel the fear of life within me.
To be honest and terse, I sailed through K-12 on a breeze. So the crippling fear that I’d always heard about didn’t actually set in until moving out of the loan-endorsed-womb-of-a-house that I lived in for my last year of college. I think my graduation smile faded at the same rate it took for my cap to hit the ground. “So… now what?”
Never before had I felt such an instinct of survival. Every second seemed like a test of strength and strategy. I felt invisible eyes watching me all the time, to see if I would figure out how to start flapping on the long fall down. Transitioning into the adult world is the only time I have ever truly felt challenged and found the need to use every fiber of my being — into becoming something.
I have no problem navigating scary i-d-e-a-s. I can daydream for weeks about ways to improve my life and standing, and changes that I would like to see. But once I’ve actually made a decision in my heart — it’s then, that my blood quickens and my throat closes and I’m already crying small tears in anticipation of the sobbing that will undoubtedly happen, should this new endeavor fail. Isn’t that nuts? There’s no use crying over spilt milk, but it makes even less sense to cry over milk that hasn’t been taken out of the fridge yet.
Fear, of course, has different waves of intensity, and they seemed to wash over me on a daily basis when I first embarked on my career. For me, it was things like a phone call instead of an email. Debating for 10 minutes on whether or not my question was stupid before I asked it. Asking for more responsibility. Negotiating rates for a new position. Speaking my truths in scheduled company meetings. Finding the strength to leave the comfort of a full-time job. Staring my boss in the face, and basically telling him in subtext, “You’re a self-righteous manic asshole and I choose not to work for you anymore.” Even just sending the email to request that final meeting was daunting.
Luckily, the enemy of fear is confidence, and confidence comes with experience. I’m so grateful for the emotional rollercoaster that was my first employment. Every turn was terrifying, but I learned so much, and feel so ready, should I ever decide to join a company workforce again.
Freelancing has it’s own set of fresh fears — now, instead of working with the same people day in and day out, being able to predict their moves and reactions, I am working with new producers all the time, and I have no idea what annoys them or even how to charm them when our only contact is through informative email. And NO ONE uses exclamation points. (!!!!) I feel I am constantly walking on thin ice in unchartered territories. It’s scary… yet, exhilarating. I’m only a few months in, so I’m hoping that with each new project, I’ll get a bit more comfortable.
However, another enemy of fear is comfort. It’s hard to be quick on your toes when you are resting on your laurels. And that’s what I’m really getting to, here. In my cushy 9–5, a lot of my fear had dissipated within my tenure. And because I was in a position far from where I meant to be, that absence of fear left a lot of room for bitterness and frustration. My dream job was not on that path, and every second I wasted there felt like another chunk of my future being stolen away from me. I was hardly even afraid of what my boss thought of me anymore. When once, I was terrified at the thought of being fired, I eventually started fantasizing about it on a daily basis. When left unchecked, these kinds of feelings can render an environment toxic, not just for me, but also for the entire team.
Fear may not be the most ~pleasant~ of human emotions, but it’s important. Fear is what has kept us alive for so long, heightening our senses and forcing us to make decisions before consequence strikes. I’ve been told before, “If a decision is scary to make, it’s probably the right one.” It’s honestly healthy to keep putting yourself out there and taking advantage of new opportunities, even if it may be terrifying to explore your options in a way that threatens what you’ve already secured. In the end, fear is neither friend nor foe, but it will always keep you feeling alive.
