When it comes time to leaving a party, or a family affair, or any other social function, I get anxious. I get this feeling because I know that soon my arms will be forced to open up wide, only to quickly let another human between them. This will lead to them forcibly pulling me in closer as I pretend like the action is enjoyable. As I end the gesture, I will most likely try to muster some sort of smile to make the act look more legitimate.
Okay, I’ll admit it.
I hate hugging.
You’re probably thinking, “What is wrong with you?” But I don’t know. Maybe my Mom held me too much as a kid, or maybe I have other deep-seeded personal space issues (plz don’t sit next to me on NJ Transit). Whatever my real reason may be, I try to avoid hugs at all cost, which as you can imagine, has made a lot of goodbyes and hellos awkward for me.
A hug is more than a physical act — it’s literally a physical display of affection (platonic PDA, if you will). It’s how you approach people you’ve friend zoned, it’s how you say goodbye to a friend leaving for another country and most importantly it’s what you are supposed to do with your family. Despite all these normal reasons to get close to another person, the actual act makes me feel ill. Am I a sociopath?
It’s not like I don’t have any emotions. One time I cried in the theater just from watching the trailer to “The Time Traveler’s Wife”. Also SOMETIMES I actually want to give a hug to the people I care about. For example: if I am actually excited to meet someone, or if I haven’t seen bae in a really long time. Even if I actually am saying goodbye to a good friend I won’t be seeing for six months, the hug will come naturally. These are all seen — in my fucked perception — as a qualifying reason to hug. But all this bullshit of “I just met you, I guess we’re supposed to hug?” That is a waste of my arm movements. I don’t have patience for all that unnecessary time all up in your grill. Listen — I’m not not hugging because I hate you or I think you actually smell bad (however, some of you have and I really took one for the team), but I’m trying to justify if this hug is needed, and if I really mean it. I’m trying to spare you of receiving my half-assed hug, which people tell me it literally is like squeezing a dead fish.
The reason why I need to change is that I can see the problems that are created when I don’t hug. The main concern being that I come off pretty emotionally distant, and mainly rude.
I understand that in order to move forward in society, or at least the tri-state area, I’m going to have to quite literally learn to embrace the hug. I’m at the point where I either look like an extreme asshole in most situations, or just take the risk of putting my arms out there for the world to cuddle. I might also find that this physical gesture probably serves a better purpose than trying to seem normal around my ex-hookups (like Gwen Stefani in the “Cool” music video kind of way), but it could be used to bring me closer to the people I care most about. Emotionally and I guess, unfortunately… physically.
Oh, but as soon as you pull that move where you pat or rub my back during the hug — I’m out.
