How I Became Friends With My Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend
There’s a time in every relationship when you move past the stage of politeness and overthinking and dive right into the emotional stuff, like the past. When the time came to talking about our past relationships, it was more difficult for him than it was for me, and after hearing him tell the story, I understood why.
My boyfriend and his — let’s just say she’s an ex — had an interesting relationship. He basically played mistress while her actual boyfriend moved away to Florida, at which point their love tale began. All the clichés of their relationship were evident: the secret rendezvous, the stares in public with hidden meanings, the promise that she would end her relationship with her distant boyfriend once and for all (which she never did). In the end, he did as anybody should and got out of that toxic and hopeless situation. My response was what any current girlfriend would say about an ex: “I hate that bitch.”
At the beginning we talked about her a lot, like high school girls gossiping in the bathroom. “Why would she do that?” “Who does she think she is?” “Did you really get closure?” etc. For a while it overcame our relationship, providing its own form of toxic. I just disliked her so much for what she did to him, even though he was already looking past the situation. It wasn’t until one day when she messaged him on Facebook, basically asking for a truce, apologizing, understanding why he left, that I thought to myself… I don’t even know this girl.
As their friendship slowly reformed, and her college being no more than an hour from our own, I told my boyfriend that I wanted to meet her, that I had to. I needed to meet the girl I despised so much, despite knowing nothing about her. I hated her for a reason that had nothing to do with me at all! But as any boyfriend would, he felt uneasy about the situation. His past and his present colliding, his ex and his girlfriend seeing each other face-to-face — in his mind it could not end well. But I was persistent and in the end, he made the arrangement for her to come to Philadelphia and watch a Story Slam with us.
When the day came, I worked so hard to put myself together. I dressed up, wore makeup, did my hair. I looked good. I had to. I was meeting my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, his previous love. It was intimidating. They were texting the entire day until we met up outside the venue. It was raining, so all my hard work was basically shoved into some big, puffed up jacket. That plan was ruined. Still, I waited nervously as I saw this curly brown-haired girl with bright red lipstick and glasses come up to us. Damn, she was cute. First she hugged my boyfriend, awesome, and then she stuck her hand out to me, smiled and said, “You must be Sam.”
At first the dinner involved a lot of them catching up with each other, which was fine and predictable. I was more into observing at the time. This was the first time I’d met an ex, much less going out to eat dinner with one. Still, I felt very out of the loop at the beginning. I had nothing to contribute, I wasn’t there, I didn’t go to school with them or grow up in the same area and I felt like an outsider. I started to regret this decision, afraid I might have reignited something here, but then the topic changed.
“Whose idea was it to go to a Story Slam?” she asked. I told her it was mine. She then talked about how she’d always wanted to go, how she loved telling stories and how she enjoyed writing. The next thing I knew, we engaged about our interests of screenwriting, poetry, our favorite inspirations, etc. I was bonding with her. I was having a wonderful bonding experience with my boyfriend’s ex, whom I despised so much. In fact, I was genuinely starting to like her. The next thing I knew, I have her number in my cell and now we’re best friends on Snapchat.
Now, that does not make us best friends in real life, but I feel comfortable around her, as well as with her friendship with my boyfriend. In fact, I’m very much okay with it. I know that to many people it may seem weird and abnormal. Maybe that’s exactly what this is, just abnormal, but due to this abnormality, I’m even more comfortable in my relationship than I was before. It built our trust on both sides, and now I have a friend as an added bonus. But for the people who have been asking me how I did it or why I did it, I have only a few things to say.
- Do it for you and no one else. Not even your partner.
- There needs to be trust on both ends.
- You have to clear your mind of any previous notions, about the person and the relationship.
- It is a past that was out of your control; focus on the present and the future.
This was a task I took not only to further my relationship, but also to grow as a person. Through this experience I was able to unleash an unnecessary hatred toward a person I knew nothing about. In the end, that hatred turned into a mutual understanding that blossomed into a very nice friendship, for all three of us.
