How To Deal With Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Career
When we talk about jealousy in relationships, we usually talk about fear or suspicion of infidelity. In my current relationship, which started the at the tail end of college and is still going on during the beginning of my career, I find that while I don’t worry about infidelity (OMG, does that mean I’m growing up?), I do have had insecurities and jealousy about my partner’s career opportunities and professional success.
I remember reading an article in ELLE (that was an excerpt from “Rookie Yearbook Three”) where Grimes gives advice on how to be a boss. One of her lessons was: “Avoid dating someone who does the same job as you. If you do end up doing that, make sure they don’t resent your success and that you don’t resent theirs.”
I immediately thought, “Well I’m glad that’s something James and I never have to worry about. We’re in two totally different fields.” But as our relationship continued, after we graduated and started trying to build lives and careers for ourselves, I realized that it’s possible to experience resentment toward your partner’s success no matter what field the two of you are in.
I work in journalism, and my boyfriend is in the tech industry. The tension we’ve experienced seems to stem from the perceived dichotomy of creative careers vs. money. I was jealous of how in-demand he was and whatever his salary was going to be. He had expressed regret and jealousy toward me because I was still pursuing the arts, because he felt that that was something he’d given up on.
When I thought about our projected future together, my biggest fear was that he would never view my work as valid — that my pursuit of a creative career was frivolous or “cute.” I thought about potential dinner parties and industry events he would take me to and how he would be the “more interesting” person.
You know what? I was trippin’. I was projecting my insecurities about my own abilities and other people’s perceptions of me onto my relationship. He definitely did not think any of these things.
So here are four things to remember when you start feeling jelly of your boo’s professional success:
1. The Alternative Would Be Just As Bad, If Not Worse
You don’t want to intentionally surround yourself with people who aren’t on your level ambition-wise, just to make yourself feel more secure about where you currently are. By doing this, you run the risk of putting yourself in the situation where a person could seriously hold you back from the things you want to accomplish. Instead of feeling resentment towards your partner for their success, view it as motivation and inspiration. This person shares your drive and challenges you to do and be better.
My boyfriend and I have learned a lot professionally from being with each other. He’s learned to notice gender disparities in his field and give opportunities to women in tech whenever he has the chance. And I took notice of how he never hesitated to apply for jobs, even if he wasn’t 100% qualified for based on the job posting. He inspired me to start applying for any full-time staff positions at publications that I was interested in. And guess what? They called me back.
2. Success Is Fluid
I’m currently at my first big newspaper-woman job. I’m sure it won’t be my last, but I know that it’s the right place for me to be right now. You should be comfortable and proud of the life that you’ve built for yourself so far, but you also can’t measure success based on one objective factor like salary or job title. There are so many other things to consider and weigh. Not that you should, but sometimes it’s good to remember. For example, maybe your partner is in engineering and makes three times the salary you do and you’re on staff at your favorite magazine growing up, like Bitch. Cultural coolness counts for something, too. And maybe you get cool perks at your job, like going to free press screenings and interviewing Mac DeMarco.
What is viewed as successful in your industry may be very different from your partner’s. What you want and what you find valuable also has a lot to do with it. And that will change. You reserve the right to change your mind. Right now, I have two professional goals for myself that are running in parallel: be able to support myself solely off freelance/remote work so that I can travel, and become a bitchy magazine editor/Miranda Priestly with my own pre-transformation Anne Hathaway. I view both outcomes as very successful, and they’re the complete opposite of each other. What you and your partner want professionally can be very different, yet both completely valid.
3. Be Happy for Other People
Everyone’s mom and queen Amy Poehler said it best: “Rooting for other people’s failure does get in the way of your success. You want to try to avoid being a person who’s never full, who’s never filled up, who can’t be satisfied. And the way to do that is to rejoice in other people’s victories, to be happy when people get what they want.”
This is especially true if that person is your partner. You’re a team, and competing against each other will end up hurting you both. The better your partner does, the better your team does. And vice versa. Because you’re a power couple, duh!
4. You’re a Fucking Bo$$
We all need to be reminded of this sometimes. Make these immortal words from Kanye your daily affirmation: “Cause my life is dope, and I do dope shit.”
