Looking down at my quickly swelling leg in the back of a van, while one kid screamed to go back to the park and the other sat silently judging me, the first thing I thought was, Ashley, you fucking idiot.
Minutes prior, I was running around the playground with these two amazing boys I used to babysit. This was a farewell playdate, and I was really giving it my all. If this was the last game of tag we’d play for months, I wanted it to be a mind-blowing game of tag. Weeks before I’d been offered a job at BuzzFeed as a staff writer. I was moving to New York City, and I was both terrified and so excited I could hardly see straight. Maybe that’s why I landed the way I did when I jumped off the playground platform. Which is to say, I landed wrong. I landed so wrong, in fact, I completely tore my ACL and lateral meniscus.
Ashley, you’re a fucking idiot.
Immediately, my friends and family wanted to know if my plans were changing. I understand why it seemed like they would. My friend Danielle asked, “Who moves to New York City with a torn ACL, and on crutches?” The only answer I could give her was: Me. I’m the person who moves to New York under such inconvenient and improbable circumstances. I am not a stubborn woman as a rule, but when I’m determined, you can go ahead and call the game. Moving to New York represented something bigger than a new job or a new address; this was about saying “Yes” to myself and everything I’d ever wanted in this life. The knee could wait.
I’ve never been particularly good at asking for help (maybe I’m more stubborn that I thought?), but my friends showed up to help me pack anyway. All of my worldly possessions were brought before me, and I directed them into boxes, bags or a trash pile. The next morning, my friend Austin was coming to help me move everything across town. My move was two weeks out, and in the interim, I would be staying in my boyfriend’s parent’s house, even though my boyfriend lived in Seattle. It was a strange setup, I know, and I never would have asked to stay there. It seemed like I’d be a huge inconvenience, but his mother insisted, and I really like her. She may be even more stubborn than me.
Soon after I temporarily moved into their home, I found out my grandmother’s cancer was back, and this time, the doctors didn’t think they could help her. My boyfriend’s mom handed me the keys to her car and told me to go to my hometown and see my grandmother. I hardly needed the push, but I think a stubborn woman gets another stubborn woman. She knew I wouldn’t have asked her, so she preemptively insisted. I took her car, vowing to fill up the tank on the way back, and folded my crutches into her backseat.
When I crutched into my grandmother’s hospital room, she said, “Hi, baby.” I smiled at her, sat down and held her hand. Her smile faded. “You not supposed to be here! You’re supposed to be in New York!” I explained that I still had another week before I needed to leave. She laid back in her bed, relieved, but still exhausted. We watched an old black-and-white Western on the TV, just the way we’d been doing all my life. I waited until she fell asleep to cry. I did not let go of her hand to wipe my face.
By the time I got back to my boyfriend’s parents’ house, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. It was hard seeing my grandmother ill and knowing she wouldn’t be getting better. My boyfriend’s mom made us tea, and sat at the kitchen counter with me. She asked how the trip went, and I said, “Fine.” She asked how my knee felt, and I said, “Fine.” She asked if I was having second thoughts about leaving for New York, and I said, “No.” She took a sip of her tea, smiled at me and said, “Good.” The thing about stubborn women is that we get each other.
One week later, I walked into the Indianapolis airport with two bags, still on crutches. I headed straight for security. The TSA agent looked at my driver’s license and asked how long I would be visiting New York. I said, “I’m not visiting.” He looked at me, looked down at my crutches and looked back. “Okay, how long will you be staying in New York.” I chuckled at his confusion, and stood up as tall as my body would let me.
“Indefinitely.”
