She doesn’t deserve it.
That was my only justification for withholding a small piece of information from someone I called a friend. This piece of information could land her a job that could kickstart her career, and I didn’t want to give it to her. Because she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve one easy-to-find email address.
Yes, an email address. My friend wanted an email address and my first reaction was to pretend that I didn’t have it. You know, I “lost it” in one of those iCloud updates. I was angry that she texted me. I was angry that she wanted to get ahead. But, get ahead of whom? I wasn’t interested in her career, yet I was envious of her desire to pursue a path, even though my “path” was drastically different from hers.
But, she was my contact, I justified to myself and to anyone who would listen. The owner of said email address was someone I knew. Someone that I had a connection with, and she wanted a piece of that connection. I was intimidated by the potential that the email address could bring. By sharing it with her, I thought of the worst. Maybe she would land a coveted spot on a Something Under Something list that would not be given to me.
I envisioned myself flipping through The New York Times’ Sunday Styles section and seeing her face staring back at me and not my own. I was jealous of what the email address could bring to her that I would not get. This desire to place our LinkedIn connections, our email addresses and our business cards under lock and key is not a new concept, but it’s causing more harm than good.
This Secrecy of Success encourages women to keep their successes and connections to themselves, out of fear that another woman will steal them from you to get ahead. While women are encouraged to Lean In, allow their friends to shine and be an all-hands-on-deck cheerleader when it is their turn to achieve success, it doesn’t always work that way.
Growing up, we gossiped in the lunchroom and texted about a girl sitting next to you to the girl sitting on your other side. While this is not the case for all women, I know I am not alone when I say that this mentality has transitioned into more professional relationships with other women.
When a friend gets a new job, my first reaction is often jealousy. Why not me? When I get a call from another friend saying she just had coffee with a potential mentor, I often ask myself: Now, how did she swing that?
I should not be biting my tongue when I congratulate another woman for her professional win or occasionally give unintentionally back-handed compliments when they are making it and thriving.
A culture of Secrecy of Success only makes it harder for more women to break that damn glass ceiling.
Today, women only make up 5.2 percent of CEO positions at Fortune-500 companies and only 17 percent hold a seat in corporate boardrooms. Wouldn’t we want to play a small role in changing this statistic by helping out a friend?
Shouldn’t we share that email address?
