Life Status: “Somewhere Between I Want It And I Got It”
As a 23 year old, I was still living at my parents’ house because I couldn’t afford to live on my own; I was seeking full-time employment and searching for a job that would compensate me fairly and fulfill my professional goals; I was navigating the stress of student loans and post-college transitions; I was coping with the recent death of a friend whom I once loved; and I was trying to find my way out of a toxic relationship that did nothing but bring me down, increase my anxiety and take a tremendous toll on my overall sanity. I was trying to figure out what I really wanted out of life and assumed that I needed to have it all figured out.
I wasn’t necessarily at rock bottom, but just because you’re not living at your lowest point doesn’t mean you can’t feel the pain that’s a result of other kinds of struggles and hardships. My depression was slowly creeping back into my life and setting in again, manifesting in small ways that affected my day-to-day routine and usual sense of normalcy.
I couldn’t bring myself to do the things I normally loved doing, like going to the movies, spending time with my friends or basically anything else that involved leaving my house. I couldn’t even listen to my favorite artist’s new album I spent years waiting for.
It wasn’t until a few months after Drake dropped “NWTS” that I sat down and listened to the album all the way through, from start to finish. Not only was I pissed at myself for not letting these 15 enjoyable tracks into my life sooner, but I was especially taken aback by the striking lyrics on “Further Thing”, the second song on the album.
Drake raps the first line in the first verse, “Somewhere between psychotic and iconic,” followed by these words that cut right to my very core and have since occupied a space somewhere deep within me: “Somewhere between I want it and I got it.”
My emotional reaction to these lyrics seemingly came out of nowhere, but I felt moved. They hit me hard because I couldn’t relate to them, yet I had such a strong desire to understand the feeling of being happy with the life I had and still yearning to achieve more. I aspired to be at a place in my life where I could afford to be happy and still know that I could be even happier. I wasn’t anywhere near it, but little did I realize these lyrics would ultimately help change my life. They were the words I needed to hear at a time I needed to hear them.
In this darker period of my life, I had adopted a more introverted persona and became incredibly shy when it came to putting myself out there in vulnerable positions; I was intimidated to ask for what I want outright.
But what’s the point of having desires if you’re not going to act on them? I was tired of just letting things happen to me. I had a pretty great life, but I wanted my best life. I wanted to live a life based in my own decisions that was chosen by me, on my own terms. And for a little while, I forgot how to do that.
Something needed to change, and I was the only one who could make it happen. I worked hard and relentlessly applied for the job I wanted at the company I wanted to work for until I was offered a full-time position; I started saving enough money to eventually leave my parents’ house and move into New York City with one of my best friends; I initiated interviews with interesting and compelling people who I’ve always been curious to meet and, in turn, have met some of my lifelong heroes; I socialized more and made plans to have fun and blow off steam with people I enjoy; I made spontaneous decisions to travel and see more of the world, within the limits of my budget.
I saw what happens when you ask for what you want, and as a result I started living my best life. I wake up every morning excited to go to work, happy to spend time with my friends and share my life with people who bring me joy, and elated to see what other adventures the day will bring me, and yet I know I’m only getting started.
To celebrate my year of happiness and also remind myself that there’s even more potential for happiness on the horizon, I asked my friend to make me an embroidery of my favorite Drake lyrics (or as she calls it, a “Drakebroidery”). It sits on my bookshelf and serves as a concrete reminder not to be complacent and keep chasing the next thing. I look at it when I wake up every morning and every night before I go to sleep, and use it as my inspiration. I’m lucky and fortunate enough to be happy and content with my life (“I got it”), but in order to keep striving for more, I have to be clear and declare what I really want (“I want it”).
When all’s said and done, I want a life I asked for, not just one that happened to me. Putting yourself out there is scary, but the cheesy, age-old saying that taking big risks makes for big rewards isn’t without truth. I realized if I didn’t start articulating what I wanted, no one else was going to do it for me.
