My Facebook Is Not My Friendship
I used to believe in the myth of resuming friendships. The “we can go forever without seeing each other and still pick back up where we left off” philosophy. Partly because it was probably true. For years, no one in my friend group had drastically changed or altered their lives to a point that it didn’t take a simple coffee or long overdue brunch to get ourselves back up to speed. Sometimes there was a new romantic partner to meet, or a new job to explain, but we as individuals had remained steadfast and looked forward to our face time together — regardless of how difficult it could occasionally be to schedule.
This was also mainly before social media took off with a vengeance that it makes me not remember how I survived when I couldn’t Instagram my perfect bourbon cocktail for the world to see and acknowledge.
But this isn’t a knock on social media. I love Facebook. All social media really. Pictures of friends’ babies. Cuteness breaks of adorable puppies, kittens, goats or any other tiny animal. Every one of us on these platforms living our lives out loud.
Except I don’t believe in it as a replacement.
No matter how eloquently stated, I could never sufficiently share an emotion as well as I could in the actual company of a friend. I can’t cry, scream, shout, dance, giggle or love in a status update. I can only hint at it.
When I bump into acquaintances, I often hear the words “I know everything you’ve been up to! I’ve seen your posts!” And Facebook might as well be Disneyland for casual friend engagement. But when I have lunch with closer friends, they seem to assume the same as well as answer my questions about their lives with “Well, I posted it on Facebook” or “Didn’t you see my Instagram?” As if we’re speaking in verbal hyperlinks now as a way to save time. Or to admonish us that we should be engaging in some light research before meeting up in person. And then we don’t actually engage in the general type of conversations that we used to have when we didn’t have social media to rely on to fill in the gaps. Sometimes I even feel like I’ve fallen down on the friend job when I’m met with the “Well I posted it, you didn’t see it?” question and I know I have no idea to what they’re referring. “It’s an algorithm!” I want to yell. “I only stalk pages of people I used to date! I have no time to add all of YOU to that list! When would I sleep?” And when did the litmus test for caring succumb to the act of checking a page rather than even sending a text?
I asked my close friend Anju Andre-Bergmann, age 29, if she felt that she was adequately kept up to date with my life via social media, and her response was “I don’t need Facebook to know things because we talk to each other.” And I realized that’s what I still want. What I crave in a friendship. Social media only acting as a supplement and friendship existing off the pixel page. With someone who wants to spend time together rather than scroll a few minutes online and think they have a full picture of everything that matters to me at that moment in time.
Because when it comes to my friends, I am under no delusions that one fun meme post over the course of a week is giving me any real insight to how my friend is feeling or what they’re up to. And for several of my close friends? I want to know, but their lack of reciprocation outside of a digital sphere has led to my wondering if we’ve allowed social media to transform us into casual acquaintances who are now relegated to writing “cute hat” once in a while on a photo. And to me that’s sad.
Are we really too busy for anything more than online engagement, or are digital platforms just prominently demonstrating a relationship shift that happened from lack of contact. To this point, another friend, Stephanie Clarke mentions that the “Memories” feature on Facebook reminds her she used to post wordier, in depth status updates and now she tends to use far more brevity. Maybe when it was a newer medium to us, we did share more because it was presented as the communication of the future. And while we’ve all settled into our own individual usage style over time, it could be possible that the mentality is that this is where everyone goes to find out what’s happening. Rather than the old diner or Dunkin’ Donuts, this is where everyone is hanging out now and you don’t want to be excluded. Nor do you want to think that while being here, you’re still not quite in the know.
But again, while any social platform can give the appearance that we’re keeping track or not falling behind on each other’s big triumphs, random outrage, pics of sandwiches and every tiny thing in between, I’m left feeling empty. Like it’s some all encompassing cold storage box of relationship stasis. Everything stays even, balanced, but superficial. For me it’s the perfect stomping grounds for acquaintances to interact, but feels like a blurred no man’s land for the closer relationships.
Friendships ebb and flow. They need maintenance, but more importantly open communication. A friend of mine remarks constantly on the frustration of someone not ever responding to text messages asking to make plans but possessing plenty of time to click like and comment on various posts and photos. Leading to confusion of what it all means. And I agree. As Anju pointed out, I don’t actually need online interaction for my closest friends. Or I feel I shouldn’t. Sometimes I don’t know how to succinctly express that point since others seem satisfied to have settled into this venue for friendship communication without any qualms.
But not everyone. Substance abuse counselor (and friend), Carlton Tanis, age 34, believes that Facebook “gives a terrible excuse to avoid actually speaking to people and creates…a false sense of true friendship because of it.” The whole philosophy behind social media is that we’re all free to individually use it however we wish and to each his or her own. So how do you bridge the gap with friends if you personally feel it’s a great tool for casual reaching out, but is simultaneously distancing you from those you love? While they in turn seem to just extoll its ability to bring people closer together? I have this fear that we’ll continue to shrink further and further apart as if we are separated by thousands of geographical miles rather than the actual one subway transfer.
Will less and less interaction suffice until we barely remember to post a birthday GIF even with the reminder notification because we turned those off since our “friend” list grew too large? Is there a middle ground?
Or will we all become friends in name only?
