Overcoming Failed Friendships As an Activist, Advocate, or Academic

Nope.

N-O-P-E.

I don’t have time for it anymore. I can’t keep making excuses. The tenth and twelfth chances shop has closed. I have no resources to spare. See, I am accustomed to failed friendships. I know the pattern all too well and though there is a part of me that wants to forgive, I recognize that certain things don’t get a pass.

Racism, prejudice, discrimination, and misogyny are present in nearly every aspect of my life. As a Blaxican woman, I must protect myself. It is my only defence against a system that continues to devalue, derail, and devastate the masses.

Every day is a test.

Every day I am confronted with the failings of society.

Failings that are deeply rooted in unjust systems and infrastructures. And while the suffering seems obvious to me and countless others, many are still in denial.

In this day and age tensions continue to rise. Americans are learning that our supposed past with racism and discrimination could very well be our perpetual future. Election season may cause a rise in people, and strain relationships to a degree, but at what point do we accept defeat?

We don’t.

We keep fighting. We keep protesting. We keep informing and educating one another. We keep nurturing our families. We keep providing. We keep striving. And though we’d like to believe that our friends will be there to support us, we accept the possibility that some of them won’t.

I need people to lean on, not fight against. I desire friendships that outlast political differences and challenge misconceptions and cultural barriers. I deserve that. We all do. But due to my professional and creative endeavors, I know that I will face obstacles.

In the event that friendships begin to decline, take note of these signs:

Political, Social, and Cultural Issues

Friends that fail you don’t care about issues that are important to you. They don’t care because those issues are not relevant to them. They are not affected by your concerns or fears and see no reason to be involved. They may attempt to villainize the Black Lives Matter movement, or view the empowerment of disproportionate communities as a disruption to their livelihood. When it comes to Black Excellence, Black Girl Magic, or Intersectional Feminism/Womanism, they get “offended”. Our suffering is “inconvenient” to them, but it is not urgent.

These spaces form as a necessity. Movements like Black Lives Matter and others call attention to Muslim, immigrant, global, LGBT+, disabled, and young lives. These extensions of progress are not just about “sides” — they are about goals.

Platforms that highlight the contributions of black and brown youth such as Afropunk, Black Girls Rock, and Femsplain are created out of love, peace, and justice — not separation. No, these spaces welcome all. Most importantly, they do not downplay the harsh realities of our society. Recognition for people of color on a mainstream level is sparse, and that’s why our communities take a DIY approach to creating movements that empower.

The demand for equality and accountability when LGBT+ identities are threatened is significant. Blaming victims and insulting those who are most vulnerable contribute to hostile environments that target marginalized people. Barriers may prevent less marginalized folk from relating, but that doesn’t mean they should participate in the slandering.

In contrast, friends that earn an A will make a conscious decision to be engaged. They are dedicated to learning. They are compassionate. They are open and transparent. That extends beyond sympathetic superficialities, because they don’t pity you, they value you. They remind you of your worth and brilliance. They don’t look down on you or feel threatened by your presence. They connect with you on the basis of personhood. Friends that won’t fail you know how important assurance is. You root for them and they root for you. You give them a shoulder and they give you a tissue. The path to understanding may present bumps, but you are determined to get to your destination, together.

Finding Success and New Opportunities

Friends that fail you may discourage you from pursuing your goals. Instead of supporting you, they plant seeds of doubt. As a result of their own insecurities, they minimize your skills and talent. It’s not a competition though. There is room for everyone to grow, yet they take delight in seeing you squirm. They may turn against you when you need them most and make it difficult to rely on them. Who needs that in their lives? Don’t chase them, chase your dreams!

Choose the friend who has your back. Find someone who gets it. Reach out to the people in your life who keep you on track, who are willing to figuratively smack some sense into you. Spend time with the friend who gives you a boost of confidence and tells you, “You are capable!” They want to see you thrive, not tear you down. Conversations with them will reflect honesty and positivity as opposed to hindrance. Their personality enhances your life.

Pettiness and Perception

Friends that fail you will criticize your appearance and interests. Instead of being positive towards a change you have made, they’ll find a way to be negative. They’ll make jabs. They’ll get salty for no reason. And those wounds and bruises that you showed them are fair game too. Vulnerabilities that you expressed are used to hurt you. Friends that fail you go for the gut: name calling, belittling, and insults are common tactics they practice. And on top of that, they’re judgmental and hypocritical. Isn’t that upsetting? Phony? Tired? Can’t we live, breathe without being scrutinized?

Be among those who aren’t just watching or waiting, but listening actively — whether near or far. Be with a friend that truly cares and reaches out. They welcome your input. They don’t tug or pull you around. If you do something wild, they might call you out on it, but instead of judging you and gossiping, they acknowledge you privately, and with discretion. They make it a point to notice and pay attention. Humiliation isn’t a game they play. You can joke with them, but they are respectful of your boundaries. They view you as an individual, deserving of love, but they know it’s not their responsibility to correct you or critique you.

Childish Games and Selfishness

Friends that fail you make you choose. They try to control you or manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. At times this puts you in compromising situations since they have no respect for your personal choices. If you have a prior engagement, they may guilt you into cancelling. If you are with someone they don’t like, they get on your case. If they’re in a hot mess, they may divert attention to you to keep themselves from getting boiled alive. They’d rather see you burn then take responsibility for their actions. They take advantage of your loyalty, hell, all they do is take! Steal! Lie! Front! Their ridiculous antics feel like high school/middle school all over again.

The honest friend gives you space to breath. In heated situations, they respect the process. They don’t expect everything to be perfect, but they know better than to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. They know how to apologize. They know how to listen, and receive what you are saying instead of rushing through your healing to appease their own egos.

Remember, a failed friendship is not a reflection of you. As humans we are growing, changing, and evolving every day. Our priorities shift. Our call to social justice and education is not shared by all. Though we’d like to open the doors to understanding and communication, some doors must close and eventually lock. Allowing negativity and toxicity in our lives deter us from becoming our truest selves.

In my day to day existence as a Blaxican woman, the battle for acceptance started at birth. I was not always vocal. In fact, I was very quiet. I always felt different. Rejection was constant and I struggled to accept who I was.

After many failed friendships, I learned how to appreciate my own company. I learned how to love myself. I learned how to let the right people in. Reaching a point of confidence took a lifetime which is why I believe in activism and advocacy.

My convictions are important to me. The causes I stand for are rooted in values that are central to this nation. A failed friendship or five or twenty is not a measure of my success, but rather it is proof of my perseverance. It is a lesson that I learned. It is a battle that I won.