Secrecy And Self Harm
I can’t remember the first time I did it, but I certainly remember the sensations that followed: the initial pain, the ensuing dull throbbing and then the numbness that sets in. What was meant to be a one-time curiosity had turned into a part of my regular routine, a part that could not be revealed. It was a source of shame, and I worked hard to make sure it wasn’t obvious to onlookers.
Yes, this description sounds like a strange addiction, and I’m sure that assumptions were made as to what “it” was. Well, “it” actually meant self-harming. In this specific case, it would be cutting, but there are multiple ways a person can harm themselves without taking their life. This seems conflicting, and that’s understandable. Why would a person hurt themselves if they did not intend to commit suicide?
The reasons behind an individual’s self-harm vary as much as personality types. Often, many turn to self-harm as a way of channeling complex emotions. The inner turmoil is expressed through the physical damage, and thus it is used as a coping strategy. This behavior is also associated with such characteristics as low self-esteem, and on the other side of the spectrum, perfectionism.
These seemingly opposite traits can be correlated with the two spheres of self-harm: one in which the victim is attempting to send forth a cry for help, and one in which the victim withdraws and becomes reclusive. Both merit plenty of reason for concern, as they both are a signal that there is something greatly amiss. A cry for help is not “attention-seeking;” thinking of it that way is problematic because it places blame on the person who is already struggling.
I fell into the secretive lifestyle that those who self-harm are familiar with. It began as an innocent curiosity, and then slowly morphed into a presence that was felt in all aspects of my life. I had to plan out when (and where) to cut my arms according to what shirt I was going to wear. Short sleeves meant that I had to abstain for a few days, and this led to obsessive thinking about my clothing. I changed the way I showered, so that the soap wouldn’t run so painfully over the fresh wounds.
I had always been introverted, but that became even more pronounced and noticeable during this time. This was emphasized by my mother’s constant questioning, and reminders that I could talk to her about “anything.” For me, it was not the lack of a positive force in my life. It was the inner turmoil that told me to hide my emotions, conceal my thoughts and continue on with my life. In essence, I was attempting to purge my stress through a blade running over my skin and pretend that nothing was wrong.
I was found out soon enough by my mother, and I am forever thankful for her nosiness. You see, this was back in the days of MySpace. Evidently I had left myself logged in on the family computer, and she had read a message I sent to a friend discussing the self-harm. The friend and I had both shared the habit and confided in each other. This could be seen as either a positive or negative thing… whichever one it is, I’m still not sure. The evidence was plain to my mother, and it was even in my own words. It could have been equivalent to being caught “red-handed.”
That day was traumatic and it is cemented in my memory. When one is surrounded by people crying, and the source of the pain is yourself, it acts as a shock to your system. Perspective slid back into place. I realized that the secret had not only eaten me from the inside out, it had also hurt my family without me intending it to.
The nature of secrecy is that it requires much energy from the individual, and a large amount of energy is spent in the process of hiding, lying and concealing. Secrecy is taxing on the soul, and the “big reveal” was cathartic in a way. The weight on my shoulders, of having to carry the burden alone, was lifted and distributed to others who cared for me.
If one is struggling with self-harm, I would highly suggest finding an outlet for your energies. Whether that be by writing, drawing, painting, surfing the Internet or simply having a conversation with someone, it can do wonders for the psyche. Above all, I would impart this message: You are NOT alone. There are others who have obliterated the temptation to self-harm. It is possible to defeat this, and rise above.
