Sex 101: A Guide Of Mistakes
Let’s get one thing straight: if you’re having sex, you’ve either had a mortifying experience, or there’s one coming atcha soon. It feels like, in that moment, there’s literally nothing worse than being embarrassed when you’re physically naked and (probably) emotionally starkers too.
In an effort to stop you from constantly thinking back to that thing that happened three weeks ago that’s still turning you bright red, or resigning yourself to a life of chastity for the sake of your self-esteem, here are my screw-ups.
- Semen will not help your sunburn. Do not encourage your boyfriend to finish on your back in the hopes that it will. In fact, it’ll burn like a motherfucker.
- That stainless steel dildo-cum-“art object” is all fun and games until you lose your grip while it’s inside you, drop it, and end up bruising your bits.
- The noises you make while getting a serious charlie horse in the arch of your foot or side of your hip sound an awful lot like you’re really enjoying whatever your significant other is doing at that moment.
- Despite having a calendar, a brain and an actual period tracker, sometimes your period just sneaks up on you. Sometimes it’s in the dark, during sex and leaves your sheets looking like a murder scene.
So while learning aloe vera is bottled for a reason is probably useful, what’s more important was learning that the world did not end when I explained to my boyfriend that I couldn’t have sex because I had a mishap with four pounds of steel. Embarrassing stuff happens, but it shouldn’t get in the way of getting your freak on.
Take it from someone who knows.
