Sex With Swoozy: Feeling At Ease In Our Sexual Bodies
I was very excited when I found out that this month’s theme for Femsplain is Comfort. My greatest hope for everyone is to love themselves and be comfortable in their bodies and in their sexuality. Unfortunately, that’s too big of a dream to realize through one post, but I do want to focus on a small aspect of this dream: being comfortable, as people identified as women, in the sexuality of our bodies.
As women, whether cis or trans, we are constantly told that our bodies are not our own and definitely not for our pleasure. In mainstream porn, our bodies are displayed as objects to be fucked, fetishized and ejaculated on. In movies, TV and ads, our bodies are to be leered at, lusted after and stripped down in order to increase sales. In everyday life, our bodies are commented on, whistled at, told to smile, touched and assaulted. Women who make it clear that they own their bodies, women who control who can take pleasure from their bodies, when and how, are called sluts, tramps, bitches, stuck up and frigid.
On top of this we bombarded with messages that our bodies, in their natural state, are shameful and gross. We are told to shave off most (if not all) of our body hair to be attractive. We must burn off every ounce of fat. For women born with a vagina, its natural odor and hair are regarded as unhygienic. We slur women by claiming their smell is rank or by comparing it to rotten fish. Even saying the word vagina must be substituted with childish euphemisms to avoid being distasteful. For those of us not born with vaginas, women’s bodies are seen as so offensive as to warrant assault, and even death.
All of this adds up to a very clear message: Our bodies are for the consumption and pleasure of others — primarily cis-gendered, heterosexual men. Any attempt to control our bodies or sexuality is to be shamed to the point that many of us never have the opportunity to discover ourselves as sexual beings. But who we are as a sexual being is an integral part of who we are as a person. This is true for everyone, from those of us who have little or no interest in sex to those who are highly sexual.
Our conception of our gender, who we find romantically and sexually attractive, what acts give us physical and mental pleasure, how we value our body and parts of our self-confidence are all wrapped up in who we are as a sexual person. Sexual discovery is self-discovery. By taking ownership of our bodies and eschewing the shame that society heaps onto us, we can explore and become comfortable with some of our most intimate parts.
Female masturbation is rarely discussed or depicted. We are often taught that women don’t masturbate or that those who do are hypersexual, dirty or “easy” women. Even in most porn, women masturbating are often doing so in a way that is meant to titilate men, rather than show acts that are actually pleasurable to the women on-screen. These views of female masturbation both contribute to the shame and objectification of our sexuality. However, through masturbation we discover how our bodies work and what feels good. We become familiar with our bodies, how they feel, how they change with arousal and what, if anything, leads to climax. We also start working through the emotional aspects of our sexuality — perhaps starting with fear, shame or disgust and over time moving into pleasure, self-acceptance and empowerment. (If you were born with a vagina and new to self-pleasure, these articles at Bustle and Vice may be a good place to start.)
Through partnered sex, we get to explore an even wider breadth of the intersection of our sexual bodies and our whole selves. During sex we are naked both literally and figuratively, exposing ourselves at our most vulnerable to another person or people. Here we explore what turns us on, what excites us that we cannot do to ourselves, what parts of ourselves are expressed through sex and sexual play that are hidden in other aspects of our lives. Having a partner or partners who are thoughtful, communicative and willing to explore can open doors to parts of yourself you may not have even known were closed.
Through owning the sexuality of our bodies, we are one step closer to owning our complete selves. In a society that often views us props in the lives of men, it’s one of the most radical things we can do, and is truly an act of self-love.
