I told everyone that I was getting a pixie cut because I thought it looked cute on Jennifer Lawrence.
I told no one about the indefinable something inside of me that was excited to look like a sexy, dark-fringed anime boy.
I’ve been somewhat of a tomboy my whole life, but I wasn’t just a girl who loved sports and playing outside — I was a girl who was fascinated by the way that emulating boys made me feel. I remember feeling more like myself when I pretended to be Prince Charming than I did when I pretended to be a princess.
Anytime I began to think about what this meant, my thoughts instantly arrived at negative things I’d heard about girls like me: “lesbian,” “dyke,” “butch.” While I had no problem with people having different sexualities, I knew that I was a straight girl who just didn’t identify with all of the “girl traits” I was supposedly supposed to have. Why would embracing a few male traits give people the right to assume my sexual orientation? I was scared of being ridiculed and hurt just because I didn’t feel comfortable being as feminine as other girls my age. So, for years, I played it safe. That wasn’t bad because I still enjoyed being “girly,” and it wasn’t like I straight-up wished I was a boy. I didn’t even know what a “gender identity” was. All I knew was that I did not connect with all of those girl traits.
When I got the pixie cut earlier this year, I ignored the fact that I was excited to have the ability to look like a boy whenever I wanted. I often joked, “I can’t tell if I want to marry *insert name of whichever male celebrity I had a crush on* or look like him.” So I rolled with it. I’d send selfies to my friends with my boyish fringe styled like Louis Tomlinson’s, with joking pickup lines. I’d do the infamous cute-boy-hair-flip, just for kicks. I would laugh with glee when my mom told me that I looked just like my brother with that haircut when I didn’t wear makeup. But while those things made me feel excited, and a bit like a badass for going directly against the stereotypical girl traits I had faked my entire life, I realized that I felt just as uncomfortable with those masculine traits as I had with the feminine ones. If the girl traits weren’t for me, and now the boy traits weren’t for me, what was for me?
I definitely knew I didn’t want to identify as androgynous or gender-neutral or any other daunting label; I was a girl. There were no doubts in my mind that I was a girl, and I wanted to embrace that. But how could I do that while also embracing my male qualities? Would people think I was ashamed to be a woman? That I thought men were superior?
Until recently, when Gerard Way (my favorite human being in the whole entire history of forever) spoke out about his own similar struggles, gender identity scared the hell out of me. After I read what Gerard had to say about his gender identity, I decided to take mine seriously. What you’re reading right now is the first time that I have ever talked about my gender identity.
I’ve learned that people don’t like it when they can’t put you in a box. If you don’t fall under the common pre-existing categories in their heads, they’re probably going to have a problem with you. That doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you; it means that something is wrong with them. Screw the gender roles and create your own gender identity. People don’t need to label you as anything other than your own name. Some days I want to curl my hair and wear red lipstick, and some days I want to wear my brother’s old leather jacket and rock my sexy, dark-fringed anime boy look. And that doesn’t make me any less of a woman.
