Snapshots Of Sibling Rivalry
“Your teeth are so white it’s distracting,” my sister said, as we floated in the pool one afternoon last week.
“I’m sorry,” I answered. I recently had some dental work done that made them look whiter, but I didn’t think they were unnaturally white.
“No, they look good. I’m jealous,” she replied, casually.
I thought, Wow, she’s jealous of me? Usually it’s the other way around.
About a year ago, I was looking through photos from my grandparents’ old photo albums. Since my sister and I were the only grandchildren, there were plenty of us. As I look at the ones of my sister and I together, they made me stop and think. We’re taught not to compare ourselves to others, yet when you’re looking at two people in a picture, it can be hard not to compare them, especially if you are one of them.
Photo #1: A new big sister, with a wide smile on her face, is holding her newborn sister for the first time. She had been wishing for a sister.
My sister, Caitlin, was born when I was three and I’m pretty sure we bonded instantly. Some first-borns feel left out when the baby gets so much attention, but I don’t remember feeling that way at all. I loved helping take care of her and I felt that I still got enough of our parents’ attention. And, as evidenced by home movies, I probably demanded more than my fair share of attention at times.
To me, having a sister meant having a built-in best friend. Yet, no matter how close you are, sisterhood is complicated and some sibling rivalry is to be expected. We didn’t have the typical sibling rivalry where one child stands out from the others as a star athlete or valedictorian or anything like that, but the green-eyed monster still reared its ugly head from time to time. There were countless little things that I was jealous of when we were younger; she didn’t freak out when she saw a bee, people could pronounce her middle name correctly, she could do a better underwater backflip than I could. Of course, there was always the battle over who was getting their way more often. Yet, if someone had asked me if I was jealous, I would have said no. I don’t think I was even aware of the envy I felt at times.
Photo #2: Two young girls are posing in floral bikinis. The younger one has one hand on her jutted-out hip and the other just above her head. The older one is standing with her arms down and has a tight-lipped smile.
This was around the time I started losing my baby teeth, and I refused to smile with my mouth open for any pictures because it wouldn’t look “perfect.” Looking back now, I think it would’ve looked better if I just smiled naturally. When we were taking pictures my mom would often tell us different ways to pose, but I rarely did it for fear of looking “silly.” I couldn’t seem to make it look natural, but Caitlin could always pull it off. This theme continued to occur in our lives — we both had the personality and the desire to let it shine, but she had the confidence to act on it while I let shyness and anxiety hold me back for a long time. We both enjoyed acting and took classes, but she was the only one who did shows. I loved performing on stage, but I knew I would have to deal with nerves beforehand, and I didn’t like that feeling so I avoided it for a while. I was envious when I saw my sister getting to perform.
Caitlin always had a big group of friends, while I had a smaller group. She seemed so comfortable around them and had no qualms about telling her friends exactly what she wanted. I could be myself around my closest friends, but I was still hesitant to put my true feelings out there. When it came time to make plans I was always the one saying,”I don’t know. What do you want to do?” for fear of suggesting the “wrong” thing. I was envious of my sister’s ability to just say things and not worry about what anyone would think of her.
Photo #3: Two teenage girls are standing next to each other, arms around each others’ shoulders. You can see the physical differences; one girl is taller and has slightly darker hair. The other girl is more petite, with lighter hair and darker eyes.
I always felt short next to my sister, and people always assume she’s older because she’s taller. In this picture her hair seemed to lay nicer than mine. It drove me crazy because I would wake up early to do my hair and makeup, yet she looked good with seemingly little effort.
I was perpetually single, and my sister had several longterm relationships. This was the source of a lot of my jealousy. I was the older one — I was supposed to be the one to have a serious boyfriend first, right? All social things just seemed to come so easily to her, while I really had to work at it and still didn’t feel as successful as her. At times, this jealousy left me feeling like I wasn’t good enough, and I worried if I would ever have the things I wanted in life. I wondered, “Am I boring? Am I not pretty enough? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be more like her?” On a positive note, the fear of her getting married before I was even engaged was enough to get me to put myself out there more and dive into the online dating pool.
My sister took art classes and karate lessons, while I took piano lessons and dance classes. My parents hung a lot of her artwork around our house, which was nice; she was good at art and her pictures were pretty. However, I felt left out whenever guests came over and complimented her. I wanted to scream, “Hey, I have talents too! You just can’t hang them on a wall!” (My grandma did hang one of my essays on her wall though, which I appreciated!) I was beginning to worry that people saw me as “untalented.”
Photo #4: Two sisters are sitting in front of the Christmas tree. One has a headband on her head that’s fuzzy as her hair is growing back.
It took circumstances beyond our control to teach me the lesson I didn’t realize that I needed to learn. Soon after my sister turned 18, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She underwent chemotherapy and lost weight, along with her hair. I definitely was not jealous of what she had to go through. I hoped she wasn’t jealous of me. I didn’t want her to feel like she wasn’t as pretty or interesting anymore. Once she got healthy, she seemed to bounce right back to the person she had been before getting sick. I was so relieved that she was healthy and back to herself that I didn’t feel jealous of her anymore. I tried to stop comparing us since she had just been through something I couldn’t even imagine dealing with.
Photo #5: Two twentysomething sisters, both wearing sundresses and hair blowing in the wind, are posing on the grass of a beachfront resort, just before the sun sets.
It was around the time when I saw how Caitlin handled her illness and recovery that I began to recognize the real difference between us. It wasn’t that she was prettier or friendlier or anything better than me; it was simply that she had confidence in herself. How had I not realized that sooner? When you exude confidence, people are drawn to you.
Over the past year, I’ve become a more confident person. This summer my sister and I have gotten along better than we have in years. Maybe the jealousy, even though it wasn’t something we ever talked about, was getting in the way of our relationship. Caitlin still teases me about things, like wearing too much pink or having “no eyebrows,” but now it doesn’t bother me. I tease her back. I even mock her when she misses a chance to make fun of me (because there’s nothing wrong with making fun of yourself sometimes; you don’t always have to take yourself seriously!) and now that I don’t take it so personally anymore, I enjoy our back-and-forth banter. Mostly, I enjoy spending time with my sister since the green-eyed monster has gone away… at least for now!
