Let’s face it: sex is fucking embarrassing. There are weird noises and bodily fluids, awkward positions, sometimes blood and omg what is that smell? Is it me? All that while you’re trying to look hot, moan, say the right things and relax enough to let an orgasm happen. There’s a lot of pressure to look right, feel right and sound right, and often that pressure is not coming from our partners; it’s coming from inside our heads. The version of sex we see in media and porn is nowhere near what sex looks, sounds or feels like in real life, but that’s the ideal we all hold ourselves to. So let’s talk about REAL sex so we can stop feeling embarrassed and start reveling in the pleasure our amazing bodies are capable of.
There Will Be Blood
Let’s knock this one out right off the bat. If one or more of your partners menstruates, there will be period sex. And guess what? Period sex is not gross! It can be awkward the first time it happens, and it will definitely make a mess, but with some navigating of who is comfortable with what (maybe no oral on those heavy flow days?) plenty of fantastic sex can be had. Even better, with all that extra blood flow to the pelvis, sex can often feel better than normal, and orgasms can help relieve menstrual cramping and give an extra boost of endorphins!
All forms of sex are safe while menstruating, even that oral on heavy flow days, but practicing safe sex is even more important during this time. When a person is menstruating, their cervix is open, making them more susceptible to STIs. They are also more likely to pass blood-borne diseases like HIV and Hep C to their partners. If you or a partner’s STI status is unknown, it’s even more critical to use a form of barrier contraception for all sexual activities.
It’s Probably Normal
Lets talk about smell. Everyone’s genitals have a natural odor. Everyone’s. And they are all different. This has absolutely nothing to do with cleanliness or hygiene — it comes from friendly bacteria living on/in your genitals to create an inhospitable environment for other, less friendly bacteria. This is a good thing! Unfortunately, we are taught from a young age that a) body smells = dirty and b) genitals are inherently gross and shameful. This combination leaves a lot of people afraid that their particular odor is unnatural and unappealing. If you practice even the most basic of hygiene, that odor most likely means you have healthy genitals with healthy flora. Plus, more likely than not, your partner is attracted to your smell!
Here’s when you should be worried and consult a medical professional:
• The odor is much stronger than normal (keeping in mind that vaginas will have changes in scent associated with their menstrual cycle) or smells foul.
• There is an unusual discharge or pain.
Sexual Cacophony
What about all those noises? Sex is full of weird noises: bodies slapping, that farty noise when your armpits suction cup together, actual farts, queefing, fluids squishing around. It’s easy to get embarrassed by these noises, especially when they’re associated with bodily functions, but this is what sex sounds like. It’s not the serene, quiet scene you see in the movies with the only audible noises being kissing, gasping and moaning (although hopefully you hear those too!); sex is full of sweat, skin, fluids, air and body parts all interacting to create a pleasurable symphony. And let’s be honest: those noises are sometimes hilarious. It’s okay to stop and laugh at them — you’re not killing the mood! Sex should be fun!
Let It Go
We all have embarrassing sex stories (shout-out to my friend who ended up in the ER with a dildo stuck up her ass!), but sex itself should be about pleasure, lust, friendships, trust, exploration and getting your physical needs met. Worrying about making the experience “perfect” pulls you out of the moment and keeps you from fully enjoying your self and your partners.
