The Webcomic That Helped Me Find Myself
When I was in high school, I fell into webcomics. For the first time in my life, I had Wifi and a laptop, and I would shut myself in my room for hours binging on them. It started when a friend insisted I had to read MegaTokyo and Questionable Content, and from there, it spiraled. Soon, I was clicking every partner banner ad I could, following a breadcrumb trail into the depths of the webcomic net.
I can’t remember where exactly I saw the ad for Yu+Me:Dream, but I remember feeling drawn to it. Maybe it was the way the main character, Fiona, wrapped her arms around her friend Lia. Maybe it was the look in her eyes. I didn’t know they were lesbians, but I knew there was something about this comic that fascinated me.
As an angsty teenager, Yu+Me:Dream was just what I needed. Fiona is a put-upon 18-year-old. Her classmates hate her, the nuns at her strict Catholic school hate her, her wicked stepmother hates her and is frequently giving her supper to the dog. I saw Fiona’s torment and saw myself. Maybe it was a little exaggerated but I, too, was teased in school and at church, isolated by my peers, mocked for being strange. Fiona escaped into her dreams, sleeping away the torture, and I escaped into the comic.
When Fiona realizes that she has developed feelings for her new friend Lia, when she discovers what being gay is and realizes that that word describes her, I was taken by surprise. It’s not the biggest twist in the comic’s run, but again, I was oblivious about the implications of the romantic embrace in the Yu+Me:Dream banner ad. I remained similarly oblivious to Fiona’s growing attraction, at least on a conscious level. Subconsciously, I was rooting for Fiona and Lia to overcome all obstacles, to be together forever, free from ridicule and hate. Also, I wanted to see them smooch.
As I watched their romance grow from a deep friendship to love, weathering the attacks of classmates, family and the world, I was grappling with my own growing emotions. Around the same time I fell into the world of Yu+Me:Dream, I also fell for one of my best friends. She was punk, with short, asymmetrical hair, and an affinity for plaid vests and thick eyeliner. She loved webcomics, too, and was constantly recommending new ones to me. We took physics and journalism classes together, and over the course of a couple years we turned from acquaintances to close friends. And then I realized I had a crush on her.
I had a boyfriend at the time, and so did she, but she would give me a peck on the lips to say goodbye at the end of the school day, and I would lie in bed at night thinking about that kiss and wondering what she could have meant by it. I would lie in bed thinking that I shouldn’t be staying up late feeling these feelings, that they were sinful, that I couldn’t be attracted to girls. I pushed them as deep as I possibly could. And when they would bubble back up, at nights when I was alone in my room, tears would come with them.
And yet, as I was carefully constructing my own closet to hide in, I was thoroughly absorbed in the story of Fiona and Lia, hoping for their happy ending. Even as I hated that part of myself that fell in love with my best friend, I couldn’t hate Fiona or Lia. They had the courage to face the obstacles I couldn’t. And they deserved love.
It took me years to admit to myself and others that I’m bisexual, years of secretly pining after girls and nursing a sharp jealousy of out and proud lesbians. When I finally did, it was an admission that slipped out during drunken St. Patrick’s Day revelry.
“You’re so queer,” my brother teased me. I stared him straight in the face.
“Yeah. I am.”
“Really?” He looked shocked for a second, then broke into a smile. “I knew it.”
It was the first time I was able to say it to anyone else, and to myself. And then I was free for the first time, and couldn’t get enough of it. I told friends and coworkers. I couldn’t wait to go to Pride. I started wish-listing bisexual jewelry on Etsy. I tentatively and very poorly flirted with women. I got my hair cut into a side mullet, but that look didn’t really work on me, so I’m growing it out again.
A couple years ago, I invested in the Yu+Me:Dream Kickstarter. I now have a complete, two-volume omnibus of the comic. It’s one of my most treasured possessions. When it arrived in the mail, I spent all my free time over the next two days reading it from end to end. I hid in the closet for years after discovering the comic, dreaming of being free like Fiona. Today, it remains my favorite comic, the one that helped me realize I am queer.
