When Dating’s Not Easier On The Bi Side
As any woman knows, dating, even in age of Tinder and OKCupid can be an ordeal akin to slogging through a fetid marsh in search of treasure. For bisexuals, and indeed anyone who does not identify as being straight, gay or a lesbian, this is further complicated by the numerous stereotypes that have been associated with them.
In my experience, I’ve found that it’s often necessary to approach dating as though it was a hostile fortress in Skyrim, which seems appropriate, given how many men view bisexual women as tokens to be won. The problem is that it’s not always easy to identify these men, and I’ve had dozens of conversations that began promisingly, only for the issue of sexuality to come up and things to suddenly slide into a surreal horror movie. My bisexuality is seized like Excalibur by men who transform from good company to creeps in nanoseconds. Being treated like an anomaly is in no way a turn-on, particularly when it’s not as if LGBTQ people are an endangered population.
According to surveys done in the United States and around the world, an estimated 3.5% of adults in the United States identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual and an estimated 0.3% of adults are transgender, with the National Health Interview Survey finding that 0.7% of adults consider themselves bisexual.
The results of such surveys would suggest there are approximately nine million LGBTQ Americans, and of that number, bisexuals comprise 1.8% of that total. That means there are more bisexual women than men, and therefore far more of them are looking for a date than is suggested by the media. However, there remain a few hurdles to finding love, among them the fact that the very definition of bisexuality is under debate.
Bisexuality may be defined as “romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behavior toward both males and females, or romantic or sexual attraction to people of any sex or gender identity.” The latter may be considered as a separate orientation, that being pansexuality. To sum up, some people identify as being pansexual rather than bisexual, and others as bisexual and are attracted to people regardless of gender identity or sex. All of this means that human sexuality is extremely diverse, in spite of the prejudices that still exist.
Many of the stereotypes and assumptions about bisexuals are wildly inaccurate, and often also offensive. Of them, “wow, you’re bi, you must not have any trouble finding a date” is both.
As it happens, identifying yourself as bisexual isn’t a guarantee to fill your dance card, and it often deters members of the queer community — which is odd because one might think that they would be the most open to dating people who are attracted to more than one gender.
In fact, some lesbians and gay men are hostile toward bisexuals because they think that being bi is “just a phase,” your sexuality is “college experimentation” and that you should “pick a side already.” Contrary to popular misconceptions, sexuality is not a matter of teams, and you don’t have to choose. Even so, when asked if they would date a bisexual woman, many lesbians often say “no,” with their answers ranging from not wanting to bring men into their relationship, to worrying that being bisexual is synonymous with cheating.
Breaking down those two misconceptions should be relatively simple. Unless it’s agreed upon, your bisexual girlfriend is not going to assume you have an open relationship. That segues into the assumption that bisexuality activates some as-yet-unidentified part of the brain called the Cheating Zone, and compels a bisexual woman to sleep with anyone she meets — regardless of attraction, personality or indeed, common sense — which is another level of insulting supposition that bi women can expect to deal with when navigating the murky waters of dating.
On the other hand, dating men can be equally problematic. Straight men are notorious for reacting to learning of a woman’s bisexuality with the phrase, “Oh, that’s hot.” Some of them then go on to ask, “So can I watch you and another woman have sex?” The answer to that is that a person’s sexuality is not a kink or an all-access pass to your personal porn fantasy. A guy saying that it’s great you’re bisexual, because he’s “always wanted to sleep with two women” makes him sound as if he thinks he’s in a video game and you’re an achievement to be unlocked, and reacting to such a creepy proposal with a “GTFO” is perfectly reasonable.
Then there’s the expectation that bisexuals are kinky by default. Not every bisexual person is looking for a BDSM relationship, the same way that not everyone likes pineapple on their pizza. It seems obvious when one thinks about it, but nearly every other bisexual woman I’ve talked to has at least one story about somebody wanting to add a little kink into their sex lives and assuming dating a bisexual is the best way to do it. This may be shocking to some people, but not all bisexuals want to have a threesome, and for a couple to make that suggestion to another person based only on the fact that they’re bisexual is not the way to a second date.
All of these assumptions are emblematic of the fact that bisexual people are either dismissed as being unfaithful and promiscuous, or little more than a prop to someone else’s sex life. And, while this may seem relatively harmless, the reality is that bisexual women have been shown to suffer from more mental health issues than lesbians.
“Bisexual people are at particular risk of invisibility and marginalization from both gay and lesbian communities and mainstream society,” said Dr. Ford Hickson, of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. In other words, being treated in this way by the very community that should be the most inclusive has a profound effect on bisexuals.
For many of them, it may be easier to simply omit the fact that they’re bisexual rather than tackle biphobia. And, in some cases, it’s a matter of personal safety. A report from the CDC found that bisexual women were twice as likely to be sexually abused as heterosexual women, which is not something one hears in discussion of bisexual women, nor how best to help these women stay safe.
Society and popular culture teaches people who everyone should find love and acceptance, but given how exhausting it can be to deal with the same old assumptions, it’s no wonder that many bisexuals may choose to keep their sexual orientation to themselves.
However, as with any stereotype, there is always room to grow and learn, so when someone chooses to share that part of themselves with you, try not to make snap judgements, and listen to them instead. You have nothing to lose but your prejudice, and it could be the beginning of something amazing.
