My Deterioration Defined
FemTruth Spoken-Word Rantings
We met year eleven
That’s when my secret revealed itself to me
Each night, I cried and I prayed
While my body was succumbed by
Gnawing, stabbing, twisting, throbbing
I’m drenched in blood and sweat
Being tugged from fight to flight
Clothes wet
I’m collapsed, distressed
A total mess, and sobbing
This is what preparing for his seed feels like?
I’m a girl, not interested, too soon, ewwwww
I’m feeling humiliated, bleeding like this
A scarlet puddle frames my hips
Adding dizzying texture and color to my new bed, the bathroom floor
What’s gushing from my you-know-what?
Is this my coveted red sea?
Silently still pleading
“Dear God, I’m not ready, please not me”
My world’s spinning, I’m nauseated
Body tightly clenched, cheeks toilet-kissed
Lifeless, but surviving
Left in purgatory like this
Coming to, disoriented
Bruising, loss of time
Each month is worse than before, leaving me behind
Year after year after year…
Wearing the repellant, female shame
I’d barely survived
I was so naive about ovulation, but that pain soon came
And sliding right into PMS
I’m a shell of myself, a hollow mess
I’m looking inward to ignite my courage
To kick down this door
To stop this churning furnace
Where the hell is my care?
Where the hell is my cure?
I’m one in ten
Broken black magic women
Santa Maria homegirl
A mystery to the medicine human
My flower too threatening
For toxic zealots
In vain
Living intentionally pure
I was completely blindsided by what developed
The life I earned I ceased living
Born blessed with superior chromoszoning
One with Mother Nature
I’m life giving
Banished to the Tower like Anne Boleyn
Punished for the witchcraft of pre-existing
His expert words stung indignant
“You’re hysterical, promiscuous,”
You should be pregnant.”
Withering in chagrin, and full flush, but cards folded
Menstruation, Ovulation, Procreation
I’m depressed in fruitless denial
Chasing the less traveled road of holistic survival
No interest in bringing my claim to trial
Not my dream to burden friends and family
My unspoken inherited burden, poor me
Sitting pretty on an abundance of estrogen oozing femininity in first-world luxury
Where now?
The expert? The gatekeeper?
One belittles “It’s in your head”,
The next accuses “Drugseeker”
They say pregnancy is the cure to my taboo flow
My squad rained on this baby incubator,
I am so grateful to be glistening in glow
My womb is oven ready, enjoying menses reprieve
Something’s wrong. My glow’s gone.
Postpartum expired too soon
What the hell’s unraveling in me?
A slap in my face, iron-clad gates slam shut
They said they had reasons
“Impossible! There’s no more endo to cut”
“Can you check a leaking bladder, colon or gut?”
How does he know there aren’t any more adhesions?
Same ol’ medical gaslighting, feels like pharmaceutical treason
Stage four swallowed me whole
Living right under the surface, my hell on earth
Post ablations, post pregnancies
Non-stop pain worse than birth
Shackled by skeptics
PTSD accompanied each appointment to guard against their weapons of useless words to devalue my worth
One day I was introduced to gold standard excision
They do what they can, but egos creep in
Each like the used car salesman before him,
They can turn on a dime.
Dumped in ways third-world countries get sanctioned
Patient-blaming, rights-taking,
Thirteen ruling men, women-hating
Still slipping post hysterectomy, post menopause
It’s My history. My tragedy. My cause.
No more debt-inducing lures
Armed with characters, tweeting my advocacy status
Endo everywhere, I don’t care about symantecs
Adhering and inflaming
As it attacks relentless
Keep telling my doctors all. The. Same. Thing.
I don’t want to be crippled by sciatica, lead limbs
Fainting spells, migraine
Shortness of breath or is it my lung collapsing again?
It’s fogging my sparkle, stealing my light
And revealing my shame
I’m demeaned in medical files
Labeled non-compliant
Because I don’t want your addictive cocktail?
All that does is hide it
I want to inspire a sisterhood rising, backlash from Salem Witch Trials
Buffalo stance, my mantra signature dance
Skilled, strong-willed, I do not cower
I am one with my avatar
Sly Serenity, Town Crier
Has ignorance always surpassed humanity?
All these women, all these witness,
Just like Cosby, this is insanity.
Testament of abuse, coins win, more abuse, female agony
My tormentor hides in plain sight,
Oppressing my health
Fem-washing my plight
Do you see me?
I’m now a contender, focused and stealth
Leveling higher, prepared to test
Enhancing my cracks with gold
Ready to rise above societal jest
I’m a warrior,
Like JLo
I’m living in color
Super fly shero
I’m adulting in real time, authentic and raw
No longer a bystander paralyzed in awe
Not a backdrop of fragility
This inhumanity has baited me to push taboos and red-pen law
My voice steady and deliberate
Shortness of breath but sharpened lucidity
Advocate, collaborate,
Resist like Lilith Fair, girl power in unity.
Imprisoned by my own body, resolved to waiting for check out
I am fiercely protecting my clarity
I’ve been known to flirt with the valley of doubt
Seeking strength and solidarity
Resisting their ignorance, their clout
I rise above their heartless misogyny
Sometimes a whisper is as powerful as a shout
No beast can steal my sunshine, my flicker
I am equal parts
idealistic, rebellious — salsa, salt, vinegar
Scorpian-born with tenacity, packing my dry-wit trigger
Watch me speak with my spoons heaped
In unapolegetic vigor
In the footsteps of my foresisters
My energy is empathy
I finally found my voice
Now I float in a bubble of levity
Living a slow death
In and out of consciousness
Ready for my end
Until my last breath, activist
Endometriosis defined
Deterioration of body and mind
I have ceased living
Merely existing, in time.
