Lessons from abstinence-based sex ed, applied to other things

  • The odds of death or maiming upon leaving your home are 1:3, so if you set foot outside three times, you gone! It’s just data-backed math. The only way to remain safe is to never leave.
  • Well, sure, there are some ways to ensure that you’ll be fairly safe when leaving your home, but that’s really a discussion best had at some vague point in the future with your church elders.
  • Greek roots can help us understand a hidden history of words! For example, “archangel” is Greek for “ruling angel” and “gynecologist” is Greek for “sin janitor.”
  • Compared to the bananas pictured on that informative slideshow you saw in health class, this banana is relatively maggot-free, so enjoy!
  • But wait. Bananas should only be consumed orally with someone you love and even then only as a last resort, i.e. when you’re on your period.
  • The thing about Pringles is that once you pop, the fun don’t stop. And someday, when you meet the person you want to spend your life with, you’re going to wish you had a fresh, unopened sleeve of Pringles to share, rather than the empty one with some stale crumbs at the bottom that you carry around with you everywhere now.
  • Entering a retail store through the exit door will give you AIDS.
  • God gave trees foliage because bark is shameful I guess?
  • Read the labels! Most tampons are made with bleach and other unhealthy chemicals that can be absorbed into a woman’s body through years of use. Super-plus tampons are for whores.
  • Discovering the joy of cooking for one is a slippery slope to lesbianism.
  • For erections lasting longer than four hours, consult a doctor or the nearest gym teacher.